It's been a while...
So I realized it's been a while since I last posted. Things have been pretty insane, but not terrible for once. I know it's been just over a month since I last posted something of substance, so I figured I should give you all an update to let you know I'm not dead and things aren't as bad as they seemed the last time or two I wrote. They were for quite a while, but they're getting better every day. The whole boy situation pretty much ate my soul and made life miserable for a while, but it's working itself out. It all ended with a bunch of horriffic theatrics and a really late, bad night. There was me realizing exactly how bad the situation got(I'm not going to post the details, just know it was really REALLY bad...), deciding enough was enough, and then dealing with the consequences of that. It's been a bit of a long road, with plenty of bumps, but I've been really working on myself lately, and people have started to see the difference. I'm much happier than I was. No more cloud of doom, emo Lindsey here...well, ok, I have my moments, but they're NOTHING like the utter state of depression I've lived in for most of this school year. I'm really proud of that. I've been losing weight (since I'm not literally feeding my depression with food), I've been staying happier longer, and I've had a lot of pressure lifted from my shoulders. Things aren't easy, it's often a huge fight inside to stop from slipping back into that emoness, but it's getting easier as time goes on. I'd cut him out of my life completely, which was helping, and now I'm thinking about opening back up to him in a limited role. It's going to take a while to get anywhere near trust with him again, and the dating thing is now absolutely NEVER going to happen again, but I think I do want to get back to being at least a little bit like we used to be. I do miss a lot of the aspects of having him in my life, and if he's doing as well as he says he is, I might be able to reach out and take a bit of a leap of faith. He says he's miles above where he was when things fell apart and he realizes what he did wrong, so I might begin to open up again. I don't think things'll ever get back to where they were when we were at our best, but honestly, that's probably a good thing, since our best was really his best, and not mine at all. We've had some small contact within the past few days, which has been hard for me, but I shouldn't expect anything to be easy with him for now. I guess I'll just have to take it slow and see how it goes. I'm nto ready to hang out with him again, but I did just accept his friend request on facebook...baby steps...as far as the rest of my life goes, I pretty much ruled out relationships and hook-ups as long as my healing process was going on, and I'm glad I did. I definitely had my nights where I was thinking if I didn't get some kind of attention, I would die, but in all honesty, it's a really good thing I've stayed away from it all. I won't lie and say it wouldn't be nice to have someone I could run to in a fit of low confidence and get built back up, but it just hasn't been time yet. Not only has it not been time, but there hasn't been anyone I could trust enough to really have them benefit me in any way other than the physical. Actually, there hasn't even really been someone I could turn to for the physical stuff either, but like I said, it's better that way for now. I think I'm just starting to be ready for that again. I've worked hard on myself, and if the opportunity was to present itself, I might be willing to give it a chance. I'd definitely have to explain to whoever it was about my situation and the lack of trust and amount of baggage that comes with it, but I might be willing to try if the other person could understand that and was willing to take me on as a bit of a project, lol. I've heard through the grapevine that there might be someone that IS interested, and I've seen a few signs of it, but we'll have to wait and see how it pans out. I was SOOO surprised to hear it...pleasantly, of course, since it's someone I never dreamed would have any inkling that I was even alive, let alone have real interest in me, so we'll see how it goes. It has to go slowly or not at all I'm afraid, but we'll see all the same. You'll get updates on that as well for sure. Schoolwork is a pain in the ass, and I'm a little behind due to catching the dreaded Goucher Plague (a vicious stomach bug that took over campus for like 3 weeks), but as long as I can make it through the next few days I'll be ok. Spring break starts Friday at 1:30 for me, and I'll be headed up to Stratton Mountain in Vermont to chill with my friends at the US Open Snowboarding Championships for the weekend. We have our own house, so party isn't even the word for what we'll be doing, lol. It's going to be amazing to say the least, and I'll be on the hunt for Shaun White the whole time...*sigh* the love of my life...! anyway, I'll be heading back to Westchester either Sunday or Monday depending on timing, and then I'll be there till Friday when my family will be going up to Windham, as long as there's snow and they're still open! Then it'll be back to school to finish up sophomore year...! I think that's about all I could possibly think of to say for now, so I better go finish up a paper before class time. I'll update about the Open next week sometime when I'm back in Westchester...