Apparently I'm crazy
It's hard to read those e-mails, it's hard to look at those text messages. It's hard to see him around. It's hard to sit and talk to him like everything's okay. It's hardest being so close to just putting myself out there, but in the end not doing it, and instead wondering to myself what might be if only I had the nerve. I know in my head he is not all I make him out to be. I idealize him, and the sooner I realize this the better. This would be so much easier if I did not have to see him 6-8 times a week. I need distance more than anything. But it seems like he's there at every turn laughing, wanting a hug, asking me how I'm doing, saying something ridiculously sweet. "You want pizza? I'll pick it up and bring it right back here, what kind do you want?" The eye contact kills me. The quiet silence, the shy smile and stolen glances and trying to be secretive in a room full of people...start the collective gagging now, I know I am. The stolen glances...this is getting fucking ridiculous. When did I become this type of girl. Yesterday? This is not a good type, this is a type that is hyper-emotional because it's that time of month all the time and has spent way to much time in the greeting card isle of Albertsons. I have not had my head on straight in what feels like forever. I need space and distance. Possibly a new look too. I need freedom from the reminders of "that" me. That me that is as recent as just a few hours ago. I was tempted to delete all those emails, but I can't. I can't really read them right now, but I can't delete them forever either. Well, I've had my twenty minutes of being that girl...back to reality. This was nice. Thank you for being my diary. One more thing, if I see one more goddamn commercial for "He's Just Not That Into You" I'm breaking the TV with a fucking baseball bat. Thank you again for listening. It's been a wierd month.