Both Sides Now

[author_by_night]

Title: Both Sides Now for starfishstar

Prompt: One or both share with each other something about their past that no one else knows.
Rating: PG-13

Summary: Tonks delivers some news - or lack thereof - to Lyall Lupin. Takes place towards the end of HBP, when the Montgomery boy is killed by Greyback.

Author's Note: Here are the lyrics to the song I quoted. I'm sure it's on YouTube, too.

Additionally, a lot of this fic is based on new Pottermore information - for example, the names and stories of Remus's parents, although of course I have taken some liberties. You shouldn't need to know the backstory to follow, although it's on the Harry Potter Wiki if you think it would help.

"Have you heard from Remus at all?" Tonks asked Dumbledore.

Dumbledore peered at Tonks through his spectacles. Why did he always do that? It was somehow both endearing and unnerving Tonks saw Dumbledore as almost akin to an ancient God - both merciful and unbearably ruthless at the same time, often just when you'd reached your breaking point. Tonks knew a lot about breaking points; she'd reached hers, and was still having trouble bouncing back. But perhaps bouncing was what had gotten her into trouble to begin with.

"No, I'm afraid not. He hasn't made contact with anyone from the Order, you say?"

"Not a word, Professor. But... Kingsley and I were the ones he spoke to the most anyway, and Kingsley hasn't heard from him either."

Dumbledore sighed. "Perhaps you should try his father."

Tonks hesitated. "Lyall and Remus have a very... complicated relationship. I don't think he's heard from him either."

"You would be surprised who people turn to at moments like these. Whatever their differences, they are still father and son. At the end of the day, Lyall may be exactly who Remus needs. Lyall also knows Greyback's history-"

"Yes, of course," Tonks said, "but you also advised him not to tell his father."

"I did indeed, except for special circumstances. Try his father, Miss Tonks. I cannot promise you it won't mean an unpleasant conversation, but it is now our last option until Remus is able or willing to contact us."

Tonks nodded. "Very well."

She made to turn, but Dumbledore stopped her. "One last question - how is your mother?"

Tonks hesitated, then decided it was best to be honest. "Truthfully, Professor, she's still cross with you. She'd just gotten her cousin back, and he was barely there because he was stuck in Grimmauld Place. But she doesn't hate you, so that's something, isn't it?"

Tonks disapparated before she could take in what she'd just said to the man most wizards -  the ones who weren't Death Eaters or sympathizers, at any rate -  hailed as their hero.

Especially Remus. Which was, perhaps, where the trouble had begun.

Lyall Lupin's home was a small muggle town near Cardiff. Tonks supposed he was trying to blend in - it had been his life ever since Remus was six years old. He'd also met Remus's Mum, Hope, in this same town, so that must have had some significance.

When Tonks got to his street, he was on the sidewalk n the speaking with an elderly woman. They were both laughing hysterically.

"Mr. Lupin?"

Lyall looked up, and he smiled when he saw Tonks. But then his eyes seemed to register that Remus wasn't there, and a familiar look of worry fell over his face.

"Dora Tonks!" He said, cheerfully, clearly trying to remain calm. "Mrs. Hobbs, this is Dora Tonks, my son's - lady friend." Tonks smiled wryly.

"It's so nice to meet you," Mrs. Hobbs said, shaking Tonks's hand. "Of course, it would be even nicer to meet Lyall's boy. I keep telling him I want to have them both over for dinner."

"We'll make that happen," Tonks lied.

"Well, I won't keep you two," Mrs. Hobbs continued. "Take care, Lyall. Thank you again for the soup."

"Don't mention it."

Tonks watched Mrs. Hobbs walk to her house. "She seems friendly."

"She is. All of her children live far away, so I daresay I've been adopted."

Tonks laughed. "You love it."

"I do. What brings you here?"

"Can we talk in private?"

"Certainly."

Lyall let Tonks into his house. It was a small home, of course - he'd lost a lot of money over the years, between constantly moving and trying to find cures for Remus.

Tonks had only met Lyall twice - once by chance, when she and Remus were in Diagon Alley and he happened to pass, another time when Lyall had pressured Remus into having Christmas Brunch with him. Tonks hadn't understood why he and Remus weren't closer - after all, Tonks knew Remus didn't blame Lyall one bit for Greyback's actions. If anything, Remus always indicated Lyall blamed himself too much. Perhaps that was why? After all, Tonks knew now that Remus was prone to distancing himself from people. He didn't seem to understand that only made their guilt and fear worse, not better.

Lyall led Tonks into the living room, which seemed to serve as a study as well. A bookshelf was attached to the wall, and on a lamp table was not a lamp at all, but rather, a Grindylow in a tank. Like the one Remus had. In so many ways, he truly was his father.

"I wanted to know," Tonks began, "if you've heard from Remus."

Lyall sighed. "No, I have not, not since he told me what happened to Sirius. I'm sorry, by the way."

"Thank you," Tonks said. "I got your card, too. It meant a lot."

"You are very welcome."

"But Remus hasn't contacted you at all?"

"Not once. I sent an owl the moment I heard what happened to that poor boy - I knew he'd be shaken, wonder if that could've been him... I know I did."

"The thing is, I'm concerned Remus might have been more affected than you realize," Tonks said. "I don't know what he's told you about his Order duties."

"Barely anything, though he did ask a lot of questions about Greyback last time I saw him. He wanted to know his entire history -"

Lyall stopped, and eyes widened. "Oh. He's not going... after him, is he?"

"It's even riskier than that. He's -" Tonks hated having to say it out loud, to Remus's Dad no less - "he's spying on him for Dumbledore. Pretending he's joined Greyback's side to gather information."

Lyall grabbed the head of his chair as though not to fall. "What? Is he mad?"

Lyall stood up and began pacing the room. "I should write Dumbledore at once. How could he let this happen? Greyback'll - if he figures out where Remus's loyalties really stands - assuming he even cares..."

"I know," Tonks said quietly. "That's been running through my mind for seven months now."

"Seven months - and neither one of you told me?"

Tonks shook her head. "Dumbledore urged us not to. He now sees that it was a mistake-"

"Mistake?The whole thing's a mistake! Nymphadora, I've faced Greyback. I may have said some shameful things all those years ago, things that haunt me to this day, but Greyback is not Remus. He's... he'll..."

Lyall was panting now, as though nearly unable to breathe, and his face was pale. Tonks instinctively stood up and helped Lyall sit back down. She let him collect his breath while she hurried to the kitchen for water. Brandy was what everyone wanted, but it tended to spark the nerves more.

When Tonks came back, Lyall took the water absently. His breathing was slowly coming back to normal, and his color had come back.

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before," Tonks said.

"And I'm sorry you had to see... that. Remus is far better at handling this than I ever was. But he's still... stupidly noble. He probably thinks he has to do this, as a debt to the rest of the world or something."

"Pretty much, yeah."

Lyall sighed. "That's why I never told him what really happened to Hope."

"I thought she was killed his seventh year," Tonks said.

"Oh, she was. She absolutely was. But I had to make it seem like it was random. I didn't leave out the part where she'd defended herself - Remus deserved to know that she'd done everything she could. But the killer... nobody at the Ministry believed me when I told them who it was."

"Why?"

"Because it was someone everyone looks up to. Someone I had looked up to myself, before I'd seen him for the monster he was. I'd always disagreed with him on how he viewed magical creatures, but he wasn't as clearly for the kill back then as he would become. Once You-Know-Who fell, I suppose he had to kill in a legal way."

"Wait - are you talking about MacNair?"

Lyall nodded solemnly.

A chill ran down Tonks's spine. "What happened?"

"Early on in my career, we'd met Macnair a few times. We always got on with him, would have business dinners with him and his wife. His wife loved Hope, you see. She was a good person, too good for that grisly husband. Hope and I were always wary of Macnair himself, of course, even then it was obvious there was something... about him."

"Then Remus got bitten, and we knew we shouldn't tell him. My views on werewolves were his at the time, and while mine changed, I didn't think his would. They figured it out, of course, and Macnair offered to..." Lyall stopped, and Tonks let it all remain unsaid. She had a feeling she knew what he was getting at, and  had no desire to actually hear it. "So we went our separate ways. But I think Macnair figured it out."

"Years later, I came home one day to see the Dark Mark over my house. Dora... pray you never see such a thing. I ran in at once to see Hope on the floor, dead. She had a knife with blood in her hands, so it was clear she'd tried to defend herself. I floo'd for emergency Healers, but..." Lyall's voice broke.

"Are you sure you want to finish?"

"I've never told anyone except Ministry officials, who dismissed the claims. I had no idea how much I needed to finish."

Lyall shook Hope. "Hope. Wake up! Hope!"

She was holding a knife, and her eyes were wide. But for all the life she'd possessed in the last few moments, there was none left.

Then Lyall heard another scream. He looked up to see Florence Macnair staring at Hope's body, her arms covered in knife marks.

"What have I done?" She moaned. "Oh God.... God, forgive me..."

Lyall leaped to his feat and shook Florence's shoulders. "You did this?"

Florence was shaking head to toe. "I don't remember... I think... I think my husband imperiused..."

"What?!"

But Florence had fallen onto the floor, sobbing. "No... no, no, no, not Hope... Walden, how could you?!"

Lyall had already summoned the Auror Department. "You should go."

"I swear to God, I would never "

"GO."

Lyall wiped his eyes, and Tonks looked away so as to give him privacy. After he'd regained his composure, she asked, "what happened to Florence?"

"She disappeared. I don't know to this day if the grief was too much, or if Macnair did something to her so she would never talk. In any case, I had no proof that he'd done it, so his father - who was a name at the time - saw to it that he was let go to kill more people. But I never doubted he'd put her up to it, not after she said his name."

"So all these years, he's been walking free? In the Department you work for?"

"Yes."

"How do you stand it?"

"You begin to realize most of the Ministry is filled with people like Macnair, and you look at the people who aren't. I was no better, was I? I was never a Death Eater, even at my worst -  but I held views I'm not proud of. I only work at the Ministry in hopes of reforming it little by little. Besides, I don't have to interact with Macnair often. Believe me when I say I look forward to the day he's apprehended. But you see now why I couldn't tell Remus? He would have done something rash, and you know the Ministry would have used that as an excuse to take brutal action."

"I think you should tell him," Tonks said without thinking.

Lyall raised his eyebrows. "Excuse me?"

"Forgive me for speaking out of turn, Mr. Lupin, but... I don't know. Maybe hiding things from him isn't ever going to help him trust people. That's his trouble, isn't it? He's distanced himself from you... from me..."

"From you? How? He's made it very clear to me what you are to him."

"It's nothing," Tonks said quickly. "He's just... we're on rocky ground right now."

Lyall peered at her closely. "He's trying to protect you too, isn't he?"

"Like you said, he's prone to being stupidly noble. But it's fine. I'm fine."

Lyall put his hand on her shoulder. "If I may, Dora... you're not fine. I knew from the moment I saw you on the sidewalk that you were not fine. I hardly recognized the girl I met a year ago, the one who brought out so much fun and joy in my son, something I hadn't seen in years."

"Yeah, well... things have been hard lately."

"Hard? Or hell?"

Tonks couldn't hold it in anymore.  "Honestly? Hell. I spent so much time last year trying to keep things light - it's what I do, isn't it? I've always been the spunky, funny one. And I was happy. I had two of the most important people in my life, Sirius and Remus, I thought I was going to save the world, I thought I was going to be able to help a kid who'd lost everything - I can't even look at Harry, Lyall. If I hadn't been cursed, Sirius would still be alive. I know it's dumb, it's ALL so dumb."

Tonks tried to stop herself from crying again, but it wasn't working very well. "And now Remus has detached himself, and it's not just because of Greyback. He thinks he's protecting me, thinks he's putting me through this as an act of mercy. It's not even merciful, it's insulting. How dare he decide what I need? How dare he do this to me now, when I've lost people I care about, when I need the person I love the most more than ever? I don't even know what to make of it... make of any of this..."

Lyall had squeezed her shoulder, and was not saying a word.

"I'm sorry," Tonks said.

"Never apologize to me. You know... Remus isn't unlike his mother. When the war first started, she wanted me to leave so she wouldn't put all of us in danger by being a muggle. She even tried telling me she didn't love me anymore. Fortunately she never went through with it, but... even if she had, I know she would have come to her senses. What happened to her was... horrible, but we had many happy years despite it all, and I know Remus will be the same. If he's anything like his mother, he'll come back."

"I hope so."

"You know... there's a song I think you should listen to. It's a muggle song." Lyall got up, and when he returned, it was with an album.

"Arthur Weasley did some meddling for me," he explained. "I can make it play music without an actual radio player. Hope loved this song."

The song was called "Both Sides Now."

Bows and flows of angel hair
Ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere

But now they only block the sun
The rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way...

Lyall stopped the music, and gave Tonks the record. "It's sad, but I think it also describes exactly how you feel. How we all feel during times like this. I want you to have it."

"Oh, Mr. Lupin, I - I can't. It was yours and Hope's."

"And now it can be yours and Remus's. He'll come back to both of us. And when he does, we'll all have this."

Tonks smiled. "Thank you."

"And Dora... anytime you need to talk, please do. You remind me a lot of my son - that's not always a bad thing. But as I always tell him, it's okay to be sad sometimes. Just not all the time. You need to find the safe place in between."

"I want to. I really do."

"And so does Remus. You both will; I've never had more faith in any two people in my life."

Tonks didn't know how to respond to that, so instead she smiled. "I'll let you know when I hear from him."

"Please do. Tell him he's grounded for life for sneaking off without my express permission."

Tonks laughed. "Oh, I will."

She was looking forward to hearing the rest of the song. From the little bit she'd heard, it sounded familiar.

Both sides, indeed.
(Also, I hope the formatting's okay... if not, I'll repost after work. Unfortunately I won't be able until then.)