Prompt 9: "How it All Went Down"
Title: How it All Went Down
Author: phe_o
Format/Word Count: short fic, 919
Rating: PG
Prompt: 9, “cheat”
Summary: “Oh, Harry, I was sure you had figured it out by now,” Remus said, fondly ruffling the boy’s hair. “And if not you, then Hermione, at least, who would have told you.”
Author’s Note: There are definitely Deathly Hallows spoilers…but I’ve also got to institute warnings of AU, ridiculousness, and a feeble attempt at denial…! I guess this could be considered my first attempt at an R/T crack!fic, though it's not nearly as outrageous and awesome as others I've read!
As Harry stared down at the two motionless bodies, he felt a dark pang. It just wasn’t fair; life had cheated his old Defense Against the Dark Arts professor out of so much, and now it cheated him from living a long, Voldemort-free life without his new wife and child.
“Wotcher,” a bright voice said over his shoulder. Turning, Harry was shocked to see that the couple lying motionless on the ground was also standing behind him, seemingly unscratched and smiling.
“Wha-How? Professor Lupin? Tonks?”
“I’m sorry to have given you such a fright, Harry,” Lupin said, a twinkling in his eyes that reminded Harry of Dumbledore’s. “But we did have to take extra precaution.”
“I was pregnant, you see,” Tonks said, eyes wide, rubbing her stomach.
“I still don’t under--” Harry broke off as the couple lying dead on the floor of Hogwarts began to shift. A rounder, pale woman with dark hair now lay where Tonks’s body had been, and next to hers was a thin man in a violet suit.
“Hestia Jones? Dadelous Diggle?” Harry felt as if he needed to sit down. “What exactly is going on here, Professor?”
“Oh, Harry, I was sure you had figured it out by now,” Remus said, fondly ruffling the boy’s hair. “And if not you, then Hermione, at least, who would have told you.”
“We were in hiding with your aunt and uncle, Harry,” Tonks said patiently, as if she were speaking to her newborn son instead of the savior of the Wizarding World. “Hestia and Dadelous agreed to Polyjuice a switch for us so we could have the baby out of the country, without alerting my…family.” She said this last word with a shudder.
“You see, Harry, there has been a price on both our heads for several months. Once we found out that Tonks was carrying our child,” Remus fondly rubbed his wife’s abdomen again, and she smiled serenly up at him, “We knew we had to leave immediately for his sake. So we switched.”
“But,” Harry said, confused, “What about when you came to Grimmauld Place? What about that spell--”
Remus looked confused himself for a moment, then understanding dawned on his face. “Oh, that wasn’t me, Harry! That was Dadelous. He was supposed to set us up our alibi as to why we wouldn’t be together. Couldn’t expect him and Hestia to live together, could we?”
Tonks giggled. “Not that it mattered. They ended up snogging right on mum’s couch!”
Remus smiled again, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “Yes, though he did seem a bit rattled to have to visit you, Harry. Probably why he used a spell against you.”
Tonks snorted. “Imagine Remus, not wanting to be a father. Or leaving me, for that matter!”
Remus snorted. “Indeed.”
Harry snorted.
The two looked at him as if he were out of his mind.
“Ah, so-but what about at Bill’s house?” Harry quickly recovered.
Tonks blushed.
“Erm, yes, well, that was me,” Remus admitted. “What can I say? I became a father that day.” He beamed at Harry, and turned to tug affectionately on a strand of Tonks’s hair.
“But what about Hestia and Dadelous?” Harry looked down at the pair forlornly, feeling as if he should continue to feel guilty when he wasn’t anymore.
“Ah, yes. Very unfortunate casualties of war,” Remus remarked thoughtfully, as if he were giving a lecture.
Harry nodded, then paused. “I still don’t get it.”
Tonks shrugged. “What’s to get? Both Hestia and Dadelous showed up to fight tonight-you ran into Hestia later, yeah?”
Remus shook his head head. “Poor thing. They really did end up quite smitten with each other, you know?”
Tonks nodded emphatically. “So there she was, running around trying to find Dadelous when smack, she was kit with a killing curse. She even didn’t know that he was already dead, which we heard from Kingsley.” She paused, dabbing her eyes a bit.
“But they were only minor characters, yeah?” Tonks shrugged. “We didn’t even know all that much about them.”
Harry shrugged. “True.”
“So anyway,” Tonks went on, “Living with your aunt and uncle wasn’t exactly a piece of cake--”
“I did get a chance to have some fun with Lee Jordan and his wireless program, however, while we were away,” Remus intercepted.
Tonks grinned, “--but we do have one bright piece of news out of it.”
Harry waited.
“We’re pregnant!” Remus exclaimed.
“I reckon we’ll end up with a whole Weasley clan at this rate,” Tonks said rakishly.
“Lupin clan,” Remus corrected fondly.
“And we’ll name them all after our dead comrades,” Tonks continued wistfully. “This one in here,” she patted her slight belly, “we’ll call Hestia Dadelous if it’s a girl--”
“And Dadelous Hestia if it’s a boy,” Remus finished her sentence, as he often did.
“And down the road, our clan will mix with the Weasley clan and the Potter clan and the Longbottom clan…” Tonks trailed off, her eyes looking misty.
“And we’ll all be one big happy family,” Remus finished again, pulling his wife against him sweetly and smiling indulgently at Harry.
“Erm, right,” Harry said, feeling his face grow hot. “Well, I’m-I’m going to go find Ginny.”
“Now there’s the spirit!” Remus chuckled.
Mortified, Harry quickly fled from the two as they started nuzzling each other in front of everyone, as Lupin was wont to do these days.
And they all lived happily ever after. Er, and all was well.
Author: phe_o
Format/Word Count: short fic, 919
Rating: PG
Prompt: 9, “cheat”
Summary: “Oh, Harry, I was sure you had figured it out by now,” Remus said, fondly ruffling the boy’s hair. “And if not you, then Hermione, at least, who would have told you.”
Author’s Note: There are definitely Deathly Hallows spoilers…but I’ve also got to institute warnings of AU, ridiculousness, and a feeble attempt at denial…! I guess this could be considered my first attempt at an R/T crack!fic, though it's not nearly as outrageous and awesome as others I've read!
As Harry stared down at the two motionless bodies, he felt a dark pang. It just wasn’t fair; life had cheated his old Defense Against the Dark Arts professor out of so much, and now it cheated him from living a long, Voldemort-free life without his new wife and child.
“Wotcher,” a bright voice said over his shoulder. Turning, Harry was shocked to see that the couple lying motionless on the ground was also standing behind him, seemingly unscratched and smiling.
“Wha-How? Professor Lupin? Tonks?”
“I’m sorry to have given you such a fright, Harry,” Lupin said, a twinkling in his eyes that reminded Harry of Dumbledore’s. “But we did have to take extra precaution.”
“I was pregnant, you see,” Tonks said, eyes wide, rubbing her stomach.
“I still don’t under--” Harry broke off as the couple lying dead on the floor of Hogwarts began to shift. A rounder, pale woman with dark hair now lay where Tonks’s body had been, and next to hers was a thin man in a violet suit.
“Hestia Jones? Dadelous Diggle?” Harry felt as if he needed to sit down. “What exactly is going on here, Professor?”
“Oh, Harry, I was sure you had figured it out by now,” Remus said, fondly ruffling the boy’s hair. “And if not you, then Hermione, at least, who would have told you.”
“We were in hiding with your aunt and uncle, Harry,” Tonks said patiently, as if she were speaking to her newborn son instead of the savior of the Wizarding World. “Hestia and Dadelous agreed to Polyjuice a switch for us so we could have the baby out of the country, without alerting my…family.” She said this last word with a shudder.
“You see, Harry, there has been a price on both our heads for several months. Once we found out that Tonks was carrying our child,” Remus fondly rubbed his wife’s abdomen again, and she smiled serenly up at him, “We knew we had to leave immediately for his sake. So we switched.”
“But,” Harry said, confused, “What about when you came to Grimmauld Place? What about that spell--”
Remus looked confused himself for a moment, then understanding dawned on his face. “Oh, that wasn’t me, Harry! That was Dadelous. He was supposed to set us up our alibi as to why we wouldn’t be together. Couldn’t expect him and Hestia to live together, could we?”
Tonks giggled. “Not that it mattered. They ended up snogging right on mum’s couch!”
Remus smiled again, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “Yes, though he did seem a bit rattled to have to visit you, Harry. Probably why he used a spell against you.”
Tonks snorted. “Imagine Remus, not wanting to be a father. Or leaving me, for that matter!”
Remus snorted. “Indeed.”
Harry snorted.
The two looked at him as if he were out of his mind.
“Ah, so-but what about at Bill’s house?” Harry quickly recovered.
Tonks blushed.
“Erm, yes, well, that was me,” Remus admitted. “What can I say? I became a father that day.” He beamed at Harry, and turned to tug affectionately on a strand of Tonks’s hair.
“But what about Hestia and Dadelous?” Harry looked down at the pair forlornly, feeling as if he should continue to feel guilty when he wasn’t anymore.
“Ah, yes. Very unfortunate casualties of war,” Remus remarked thoughtfully, as if he were giving a lecture.
Harry nodded, then paused. “I still don’t get it.”
Tonks shrugged. “What’s to get? Both Hestia and Dadelous showed up to fight tonight-you ran into Hestia later, yeah?”
Remus shook his head head. “Poor thing. They really did end up quite smitten with each other, you know?”
Tonks nodded emphatically. “So there she was, running around trying to find Dadelous when smack, she was kit with a killing curse. She even didn’t know that he was already dead, which we heard from Kingsley.” She paused, dabbing her eyes a bit.
“But they were only minor characters, yeah?” Tonks shrugged. “We didn’t even know all that much about them.”
Harry shrugged. “True.”
“So anyway,” Tonks went on, “Living with your aunt and uncle wasn’t exactly a piece of cake--”
“I did get a chance to have some fun with Lee Jordan and his wireless program, however, while we were away,” Remus intercepted.
Tonks grinned, “--but we do have one bright piece of news out of it.”
Harry waited.
“We’re pregnant!” Remus exclaimed.
“I reckon we’ll end up with a whole Weasley clan at this rate,” Tonks said rakishly.
“Lupin clan,” Remus corrected fondly.
“And we’ll name them all after our dead comrades,” Tonks continued wistfully. “This one in here,” she patted her slight belly, “we’ll call Hestia Dadelous if it’s a girl--”
“And Dadelous Hestia if it’s a boy,” Remus finished her sentence, as he often did.
“And down the road, our clan will mix with the Weasley clan and the Potter clan and the Longbottom clan…” Tonks trailed off, her eyes looking misty.
“And we’ll all be one big happy family,” Remus finished again, pulling his wife against him sweetly and smiling indulgently at Harry.
“Erm, right,” Harry said, feeling his face grow hot. “Well, I’m-I’m going to go find Ginny.”
“Now there’s the spirit!” Remus chuckled.
Mortified, Harry quickly fled from the two as they started nuzzling each other in front of everyone, as Lupin was wont to do these days.
And they all lived happily ever after. Er, and all was well.