Prompts 25 and 30
I know she’s sitting there right beside me, watching me. She’s been there for over an hour.
And I know that all I have to do is open my eyes and look at her, and we can finally sort things out between us once and for all.
But I don’t. Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of breaking this silence that lies between us. I’m afraid that anything I say will only do more harm than good.
I don’t have the words to fix the problems that separate us.
So my eyes stay closed, and I wait….
~~~~~~~~
The night of the full moon I couldn’t sleep. I kept wondering what was happening to him-what it was like transforming with the pack. I hoped that the potion was working, but at the same time I wondered if it might actually be more horrible watching the pack transform with his mind still intact, than with it gone.
It wasn’t until dawn that I could finally relax and go to bed. I was surprised, less than an hour later, when there was a knock on my door.
It was Remus. He was pale, and haggard, and there was dried blood on his hands and on his battered shoes. He fell into my arms, shaking violently and taking long, ragged breathes.
After the shaking subsided I led him to a chair, and gave him a few sips of whiskey to calm him. I didn’t ask him what had happened. If he wanted to talk about it, he would. I wasn’t going to make him.
I took him to the bath, and we scrubbed off the sweat and dirt and blood. He didn’t have any serious injuries. The blood must have belonged to someone else.
I wrapped him in a blanket and went to wash his clothes in the sink. I wanted to burn them-but he would need them back to blend in with the other werewolves.
After hanging them to dry in the shower I came back into the bedroom. He was sitting on the bed, staring at the rumpled sheets in front of him with haunted eyes. I sat beside him and wrapped my arm around his bare shoulders. He looked up at me, as if noticing for the first time that I was still there.
Without saying a word he reached up to take my face in his hand. I’d never in my life seen Remus Lupin look so completely vulnerable as he did that day.
He pulled me in for a fierce kiss, and his short beard scratched my face. His hands roamed over my body, and he began to tug eagerly at my tee-shirt, pulling it off over my head. Unlike the night we spent together a week earlier, there was nothing tender or loving about his touch. He was frenzied and rough-but I didn’t care. If this was what he needed to help him cope, then I would give it to him….
I must have slept for hours. When I woke, she was beside me, still asleep. She was laying curled on her stomach, and I could see some bruises on her arm where I had gripped her, faint scratches on her back and shoulders where my nails and teeth had scraped across her skin, and small specks of red here and there where I’d broken through to the tender flesh underneath.
I closed my eyes again. Images of spilled blood and torn flesh filled my mind, and I could once more hear the echo of howls and vicious barking in my ears. It had been so much worse than I ever imagined it. And instead of helping that poor youngster that the older ones had turned on once they ran out of cats and rats to rip apart, I had huddled back in the shadows, watching as they assaulted him.
I opened my eyes again, to look at her. I’d never been more ashamed. I’d failed in my duties to protect the weak and innocent among my fellow werewolves. And instead of facing the aftermath of the night’s brutality like a man, I had retrieved my clothes and Apparated away as soon as I could move, just so that I wouldn’t have to look at all that blood.
I’d wanted to feel like a human being again-to remind myself that I was better than them. That I was more than just a creature. But instead I came here and rutted with her like the animal that I really was.
She deserved so much better. She deserved a man who was whole, and young, and trustworthy. Not a miserable worn-out vagrant who turns into an animal once a month. I should never have let myself sleep with her-I should never have let myself believe that we could be together.
I could see then that no matter how much I had hoped otherwise, I would never emerge from my mission unscathed. In order to succeed at the task before me I would have to become the kind of animal that the others understood-the kind of creature that they respected. And that morning with her, I had seen that the creature had been inside of me all along, just waiting to come out. If I ever came back from this mission, I would come back as little more then an animal. I would never deserve the love that she offered me.
That night we had shared-that we had dared to dream of a life together-was nothing but a fantasy. And I couldn’t live with myself if I allowed that fantasy to continue.
I slipped out of bed, being careful not to wake her. Pulling my damp clothes onto my body, I sat down at the small table in the corner. I scratched out a letter to her-knowing full well that anything I could say would be inadequate. But it was all I could do. I didn’t dare wait until she woke. I didn’t trust myself to resist her.
I laid the letter on my empty pillow. After taking one last look at her sleeping face, I slipped quietly out the door….
I was furious, and miserable. Angry and heartbroken. I didn’t know if I wanted to hex him to oblivion or kiss him until he realized what a horrible mistake he’d made.
Words and phrases from his letter haunted me: …it was a mistake…you deserve so much more…too dangerous…forget me…find someone new…I don’t expect your forgiveness.
More than five days after he’d disappeared while I slept, I still couldn’t fully accept what had happened. I didn’t want to believe that he had really left me. Not Remus. Not after all we’d been through together.
I’d managed to pull myself together during my duty-shifts, but had to beg my way out of most of the Dementor duty. I didn’t have it in me to conjure a Patronus. Not this week. In all my off-duty hours I’d been alternating between fits of foul temper, and bouts of crying. I was falling to pieces. Just a week earlier I’d been able to hold a morph for most of the day-now I couldn’t even manage a morph in the first place.
After a day divided between patrolling Hogsmeade and screening Hogwarts owl-post I made my way back to the Hog’s Head, and had a few drinks at the bar before storming up to my room. Not much later I received an unexpected visit from Mad-Eye Moody.
He sat stiffly in one of my two rickety chairs, staring at me with his one human eye while the other spun wildly in his head, no doubt scanning the premises for villains.
I tapped my fingers impatiently on the table while I waited for him to speak.
Finally, he grunted. “Remus came to see me today.”
I sat up straight, my breath catching in my throat. “Is he…all right?”
“As good as can be expected. He’ll be better in a few weeks, once he stops moping about you.”
I scowled. “If all you’re going to do is insult me, you can leave. Now!”
“I’m not here to insult you. Just to tell you the truth.”
“What truth?”
“War is no time to fall in love, girl. Especially when you’re going undercover. You should have left him well enough alone so that he could do his work. Instead you filled his head with thoughts of love, and dreams of a happy future. There’s nothing worse that you could’ve done to him.”
I shook my head. “You’re wrong. You’re wrong!” I rose to my feet.
He rose, as well. “No, Tonks. I’m not. And you’d understand that if you’d listen to me. The job he’s got before him will take every ounce of strength and focus that he has. He’ll need steel in his heart to get through it. And no heart can be made of steel if it’s being muddled up by love and sex. If he’s always looking ahead to a future with the girl who’s waiting for him at home, he’ll never have what it takes to get the job done today. You broke his focus, and you broke his commitment, and he came damn close to breaking his cover as a result. This mission of his is too important for that.”
I’d heard other-older-Aurors talking like this before. And when I first joined the squad, I’d believed them. I’d never expected to fall in love. There were lots of things I never expected.
“I only wanted to help him,” I said defensively. “I wanted to be there for him.”
“The best way for you to help him is to stay away from him. Remus has always let his emotions get in the way of his judgment. If you keep clinging to him like this you’ll only distract him, and his mission will fail. That’s why, from now on, I’ll be his official Order contact. As soon as I’m done here, I’m heading up to the castle to inform Dumbledore. Are you going to give me any trouble?” He glared at me.
I wanted to shout at him-to curse him-to grab that bloody spinning eye out of his face and throw it in the lake. I didn’t want to listen. But Moody and his damn lecture had put doubts in my heart. What if I really had hurt him? What if Moody was right?
I’d thrown myself at Remus like a desperate little tart, because I’d convinced myself that being with me would give him the strength that he needed to succeed. But what if I was wrong? What if, instead of helping him, I’d only made things harder? This was a problem I didn’t know how to solve.
I shook my head, looking down at the floor with tears prickling in my eyes. “I won’t cause any trouble.”
“You’ll leave Remus alone?”
I nodded. “Yes.”….
As the weeks passed it grew easier and easier to stop thinking about her-to stop worrying about her, or wondering about her, or fantasizing about a future that was never meant to be. It grew easier to focus on the task before me, and to immerse myself in the bizarre society that my fellow outcasts had created for themselves. I even began to take a strange satisfaction in the respect and trust I was able to gain from the others as I learned to assert myself among them. Anyone who carried and used a wand was automatically deferred to, and I used this to my advantage.
Gradually, I came to understand them, and to recognize weaknesses in Greyback’s network of control. By the end of the year, I had begun to formulate a plan. It would take several months to bring it to fruition, but if I succeeded then Greyback’s power would be destroyed, and the others would be left free to live their lives as they chose to-not as that blood-thirsty tyrant dictated.
By the middle of December I had become capable of forcing my thoughts of Nymphadora into nothing more than ghostly daydreams that would flit across the periphery of my mind when I was tired, or hungry. It was almost like she was something out of a book I once read, or a play I had seen. My life now was sleeping on the cold pavement, digging scraps of food out of rubbish bins, and using my magic to gain dominance over the other pathetic souls who engaged in the daily power struggle to rule over our tiny kingdom of dirt and grim. That beautiful pink-haired woman couldn’t possibly have a part of my life. She never could have loved me. It must have all been a strange, vivid dream.
As Christmas drew near, Alastor relayed two invitations to me-one from Andromeda, and one from the Weasleys.
It felt strange, after so many months underground, to think about seeing my friends again. It didn’t seem right that there was still a world out there where people slept in warm beds, and cooked fresh food in cozy kitchens. Where families and friends loved each other. And it felt even stranger to me that some of them still wanted me to be a part of that world.
I was reluctant to go at all, but Alastor finally convinced me that I had earned a brief respite from my work.
I didn’t dare go to Andromeda’s house. Nymphadora would be there. But Alastor was right. I did need a break. A time to rest, and prepare myself to implement my plan. So I agreed to spend three days at the Burrow….
The final months of the year were long and exhausting. The pain of my forced separation from Remus never disappeared, but it did eventually recede into a persistent dull ache, instead of the intense pain that it had started as. I fell into a routine, performing my duties mechanically, and working as much overtime as they would allow me. I wanted to exhaust myself enough to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep as soon as I returned to my bed. I only allowed myself to think of that bliss-filled night that I had spent with Remus when I was fighting off Dementors. I wanted to preserve that memory for times when I needed its strength, instead of diminishing its power by dwelling on it.
I tried to avoid my mother and the Order members as much as possible. I took assignments whenever my work schedule allowed, and performed them as mechanically as I did my Auror duties. But I rarely socialized with my friends from the Order like I once had. Molly, however, did her best to stay in my life, and by the beginning of December she had pestered me enough that I finally gave up and admitted to her what had happened between Remus and me. I immediately regretted it, because I could see the matchmaking gears starting to spin behind her eyes.
When she invited me to visit for Christmas a few days later, I knew full well that I wasn’t the only person she had invited. I strung her along until two days before Christmas, and then told her that I couldn’t make it. I didn’t want to leave her any time to come up with an alternative plan. And I volunteered for a double shift on Christmas day so that I didn’t have to go to my mum’s house, either, just in case. I wasn’t going to take any chances of seeing him….
Late Christmas afternoon, I stood outside behind the Burrow, looking out over the snow covered hills. My breath came out in misty puffs, and though my coat was wholly inadequate to protect me from the chill of the day, I didn’t care. I’d grown used to being cold.
I needed some quiet time to reflect. Over the past months I had convinced myself that Nymphadora would get over me and move on. That she would realize that she hadn’t really loved me-that her feelings had only been gratitude and friendship. It had comforted me to think that she would be getting on with her life in my absence. I had hoped that her time in Hogsmeade, away from the front lines of battle, would have given her time to heal. But, as with so many other things, I had been wrong. She hadn’t let go of me at all. And I was ashamed that my first reaction to that news was to feel a longing to see her again.
I heard footsteps approaching behind me, and looked over my shoulder. I expected to see Arthur or Molly, or perhaps even Bill, so I was caught by surprise when I saw Fleur approaching me with a stern look on her face.
“Hello, Fleur. Are you out for a walk?”
“No. I came out looking for you.”
Now I was doubly surprised. “For me?”
“Yes. I ‘ave something to say to you.”
“What?”
“Eef you are so een love with ‘er, why don’t you go to ‘er?”
Of all the things Fleur Delacour could have said to me that day that was the last one that I would have expected. “Go to who?” I tried to pretend I didn’t know her answer. She shook her head and frowned.
“Tonks, of course! Do not pretend with me, Remus. I know all about you two. Bill ‘as told me everything. I know zat you were lovers. And eet is clear zat you are still een love with ‘er. I could see eet on your face every time someone mentioned ‘er name. I think zat eef you are so een love with ‘er, you should go to ‘er.”
I’d have thought that Molly must have put the girl up to this, if I hadn’t seen the clear animosity she felt for her future daughter-in-law. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because all your pouting and moping ees ruining my ‘oliday. Eet is ‘ard to enjoy my love with Bill when you are sulking around ze ‘ouse all day. I do not understand why you don’t go to ‘er. Eef you think zat she no longer loves you, zhen you are wrong. She is even worse at ‘iding eet zhen you are, with ‘er brown ‘air, and ‘er stumbling and bumbling around, looking always at ze ground instead of people’s faces. She loves you, and you love ‘er. You should be togezzer instead of moping around ruining other people’s ‘appiness with your gloomy attitudes.”
I was completely taken aback. All at once I felt thrilled by the prospect that Nymphadora might still be in love with me, even after all I had done to her, and bewildered by the strange source of this information. But even as my heart began to leap, I pulled it back down again. My circumstances hadn’t changed. I was still a poor vagrant, growing older and greyer by the week, with a long and dangerous job ahead of me. And even worse, I’d become hard, and learned to be brutal, vicious and manipulative in order to achieve my goals. I wasn’t the man she thought I was. Not anymore. Going to Nymphadora now would just be another mistake.
“I wish it were that easy,” I said, feeling somehow obliged to explain myself to this strange, haughty girl. “But how we feel doesn’t matter. There are too many obstacles in the way of us being together.”
She snorted a tiny humph at me. “Ridiculous. Every love ‘as obstacles. You think my love with Bill ‘as no obstacles? My parents think zat ‘e ees beneath us. Zat ‘e ees not worthy of me. Zey say I am too young to know my own ‘eart. Bill was ready to let me go because of this. But I would not let ‘im. I told ‘im zat our love was worth every sacrifice we made, and worth every mountain we ‘ad to climb. Eef you really love Tonks, zat is ‘ow you should feel about ‘er. You should not let anything stand een your way. So you should go to ‘er. Tonight. And stop bozzering ze rest of us with your pouting.” With that she gave a confident little nod, spun on her heel and stalked back toward the house.
I was tempted to laugh off her strange advice. But her simplicity appealed to me. If only things were really that easy….
My Christmas was a grueling day. I was up patrolling at midnight, and didn’t get off until the next midnight. By the end of the day I was running on nothing but willpower and a double-dose of Invigoration draught. I’d never thought I’d ever be happy to see Dawlish, but I was that night when he came to relieve me.
My brain was too foggy to risk Apparition, so I trudged home slowly, dragging my feet in the snow. Dark thoughts had been swirling in my head all day. I was starting to wonder if Remus had really meant all the things he told me on that one joyful night we shared together-or was it all just bullshit?
He hadn’t contacted me a single time since that awful letter. Not once. Not even a little note to let me know he was okay.
I still loved him, and for the past few months I had still believed that someday-when his mission was over-we might be able to salvage a future together. But I was beginning to doubt. If he really loved me-if he really wanted to be with me-wouldn’t he have contacted me at least once or twice? Maybe he had never loved me as more than just a friend. Maybe he thought we could be more, but then changed his mind. Maybe I wasn’t good enough for him. Maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe…
I stopped short in my walk home when I saw a man standing across the street from the Hog’s Head, staring up at the guest room windows.
On instinct, I quickly darted behind the corner of the nearest building, and disillusioned myself before peering back out to look at him.
He looked down at the door of the pub, and then back up at the windows. Then he looked away, and started pacing back and forth. He paused, looked up again, and then started walking across the street to the pub. The light of a street lamp fell across his face, and I caught my breath.
It was Remus.
Halfway across the street he paused, looked up at the windows again, shook his head, and turned back to resume his pacing on the far side of the street.
He repeated the pattern over and over again. Staring, pacing, starting across the street, and turning back. I began to wonder if I should go talk to him.
No. I was going to wait. I wanted him to want to see me enough to actually go inside. If he needed to see me enough to get up the courage to go inside, then I would follow him. I wanted him to make the choice.
I stood watching him for nearly an hour. Eventually he slumped against the building behind him, and held his head in his hands. He looked up at the windows one last time, and then turned and walked away. I could have called out to him. I could have caught him. I could have asked him why he came, and what he was feeling.
But I didn’t. I just stood there and watched him disappear into the night.
A few days later, he sent me a note. It read: “Nymphadora-I’m sorry I missed you at Christmas. And I’m sorry I haven’t written you sooner. My work is far from done, and I may not see again for many more months. But I want you to know that you are still in my thoughts, and in my heart. Please-don’t let yourself hurt for my sake. Be strong for me. Love, Remus.”
I read it over, and over, and over. He made no promises for the future. He gave me no hope that we could be together. But he sent me his love, and said I was still in his heart. I didn’t know what to make of it.
I had so many questions for him, and no way to get my answers. I’d given up my chance when I let him walk away….
I didn’t see her again until the last week of February. In the five months of our separation, it was the first Order meeting that we were both able to attend.
Seeing her again was like being struck by lightening. I felt jolted, and nervous prickles and twinges coursed up and down my body.
I’d been thinking about her more and more often in the past few weeks. I knew I shouldn’t. It was too much of a distraction. But my plan was in motion. The end was in sight. One way or another, my mission would be done within a month’s time, and the temptation to start thinking of the future again had been too great. And even after all I’d done to her I was still selfish enough to imagine a future with her in it.
Her hair was the same dull brown that it had been in the weeks following Sirius’s death, and her face was pale and drawn. She looked thinner, and older.
She walked into the meeting a few minutes late, while Kingsley was giving his report. She was making her way to a seat in the back of the room when she caught sight of me. She froze in her tracks, and stood as if petrified, staring into my eyes.
I always used to be able to tell what she was thinking or feeling just by looking into her eyes-but now, I had no idea what was passing through her mind. It was almost like I was looking into the eyes of a stranger. That thought hit me with a sharper pain than anything else that I had suffered during the past year. It was almost unbearable to think of her once more becoming a stranger to me, just as she had during my long years away from England.
Would we ever get to the point where we could pass each other in the street, and nod with small smiles on our faces as we would to any other old acquaintance? Had I lost her so completely?
After another moment of staring at me with that unreadable expression, she quietly found her seat and turned her attention to Kingsley.
After a few more reports had been given, my turn came due. It was only the second report I had made to the full Order since my mission began, and I had hopes that my next report would come after my plan had come to fruition, and I had come home-wherever home now lay.
I tried to avoid her eyes as I spoke, but I could feel them on me, burning into me.
I detailed for everyone how I had been able to make my way into the highest circle of leadership among the group of smaller packs that had recently been coalesced into a single unit by Greyback and his cronies. And I had been able to ingratiate myself with one of Greyback’s most trusted henchmen. He was a young and charismatic wizard, cast out by his family after receiving his bite when he was seventeen. He had no great love for Greyback, and had only been serving him to gain power and security for himself. With my influence guiding him, he was nearly ready to lead an open rebellion against Greyback and take leadership of the pack for himself. I had high hopes of bringing about the mutiny just after the next full moon. If we succeeded, then Voldemort’s hopes of turning a werewolf army against the populace of wizarding England would be dashed, and hopefully, he would punish Greyback severely for his failure.
It was only after I had finished speaking, and Dumbledore was congratulating me on my progress that I allowed myself to look at her. Her eyes were still firmly fixed on me, and they seemed to be glowing with an inner light.
After the meeting, I circulated through the group accepting their words of friendship and encouragement. But hers was the only face I saw. She sat patiently in the corner, chatting quietly with Molly, waiting for me.
Eventually, everyone began to leave headquarters. Molly rose from where she sat at Nymphadora’s side. I noticed that she squeezed Nymphadora’s hand before heading toward me. She gave me a warm hug, and told me that I was welcome to stay at the Burrow as soon as my task was complete. I thanked her warmly, but my eyes kept drifting back to the corner where Nymphadora still sat.
Molly gave me a knowing look, and bid me goodnight as she bustled Arthur out of the room, leaving me alone with Nymphadora.
I slowly walked toward her, painfully aware of my shaggy hair and beard, and my tattered clothes. She continued to stare at me, looking me up and down as I approached, taking in every detail.
I forced a smile onto my face. “Hello, Nymphadora.”
“Hello, Remus. Have a seat.” She patted the chair beside her. I reluctantly slid into the chair, pushing it slightly further away from her as I did.
We sat in silence for a few minutes, exchanging awkward smiles and shuffling our feet.
Finally, she spoke. “That’s quite a plan you have going. Very devious. Very manipulative. You’d have made a fine Slytherin.” Her smile seemed genuine as she spoke, and I found that I was able to smile genuinely in return.
“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or an insult.”
“Take it however you wish.”
There was another long pause. “So you’ll be done soon,” she said. “You’ll be able to come home.” I wished that I could see what was going on behind those guarded eyes.
I nodded. “Yes.”
She bit her lip. “Where will you stay?”
“I don’t know.”
“You should take Molly’s offer, and stay in the Burrow. You need to be around good people, again. You’ve earned that.”
I looked down at the floor, thinking of all the crimes and acts of violence that I had committed in the past months. And for this, I deserved the reward of being around “good people”? I nodded. “Perhaps. Perhaps I will.”
We paused again.
“I need to ask you a question, Remus,” she said. “And I want an honest answer. No lies. No dancing around the truth. Just a simple yes or no. Can you do that for me?”
This was the conversation that I had been dreading. But I knew it was coming. I had to face it. I nodded again. “Yes. I can.”
“Do you still love me?”
“That’s…very direct.”
“I need to be. Now answer the question. Do you still love me?”
I sat for a long time, studying her face, and looking into those eyes that were so familiar, yet so strange. So much inside of me had changed over the past months. So much of the whole world had changed. I didn’t know myself anymore. I didn’t know who I would come back as. But one thing hadn’t changed. So I looked into her eyes, and told her the truth.
“Yes.”
The unreadable veneer that had covered her dark eyes crumbled as her tears began to swell, and I could plainly see all of her pain, fear, sorrow, and frustration.
She shook her head and blotted her tears with her fingers.
“Thank you,” she said, cracking a weak smile around her tears. “It’s nice, to finally know. I’ve had my doubts.”
I took a deep breath. It was my turn. “Do you…still love me?”
She frowned at me. “Yes. Of course I do, you wally. Did you actually think I would stop?”
She always had a knack for leaving me speechless.
She huffed at me. “You did, didn’t you? You really believed that I’d just get over you, and move on?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know what I believed. I’d hoped you’d move on. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.”
She snorted. “Bollocks. If that’s what you wanted, you’d never have chucked me.”
“It’s not bollocks! I’m no good for you. You’d be better off with someone else. Better by far.”
“Why is it your choice to make?”
I rose to my feet, and walked a few paces away from her. I was getting frustrated. Why couldn’t she understand? I turned to face her. “You’re young. You’ve never been in love before.”
“Have you?”
“Yes.”
“How many times?” She stood, facing me down.
I sputtered. This was nothing like how I had imagined this conversation. “Once,” I admitted.
“So that makes you the expert, then?” she shot back, her eyes now fiery with anger.
“Maybe!” I retorted, my own anger rising.
I was expecting another sharp response, but she took me by surprise once again.
“I was ready to commit myself to you for the rest of my life,” she said softly, taking a step toward me. “And I still am, if you’ll get over your ridiculous nobility complex and let me be there for you when you need me.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Don’t I?”
“You’re too young and too inexperienced to make that kind of commitment.”
“I’m older than the Potters were. Older than my parents were. Did they make a mistake?”
I couldn’t respond. My head was still spinning. She couldn’t be saying what she was saying. This couldn’t be real.
“No,” I finally muttered.
She stepped toward me again. “Good. So. We’ve established that I might know what I’m talking about. And we’ve established that I’m not too young. And we’ve established that we still love each other. So where does that leave us?” She moved even closer to me-close enough for me to take her in my arms. I resisted the impulse.
“I don’t know.”
“When will you know?”
I closed my eyes and shook my head. This was too much. Five months without seeing her once-and suddenly she seemed to be asking me for a lifetime commitment?
It seemed like it would be so easy. It could be like something out of a fairy tale. I could just say yes, and fall into her arms, and find everything that I’d ever wanted. It would be just like all my dreams. We could live happily ever after.
However, this wasn’t a fairy tale. Werewolves don’t get happily ever afters.
“We can’t be together,” I said.
She pulled back-the tears reforming in her eyes. “Why not?”
“I’m not the man you fell in love with. Not any more. This mission has changed me. If you knew the things I’d done-the things I still have to do…. I’ve turned into a brute. A vicious, dangerous, brute. I’ve become the same kind of base animal as the rest of the pack.”
“You’re wrong. I’ll prove to you that you’re wrong, if you’ll just give me the chance.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. I can’t. I’m sorry.” I turned and walked away from her.
I could hear her calling my name, but I didn’t look back….
Less than a month later he was back, and it was all over.
The death of the Montgomery boy had been the catalyst. Most of the werewolves weren’t killers, and they were sick of death. All of the pieces of rebellion that Remus had built rapidly fell in to place the morning after the transformation, when it became clear that Greyback had murdered the boy.
There was fighting-with fists, and feet, and teeth, and knives, and for the few who were qualified wizards there were wands. By the early afternoon, Greyback and less than half a dozen of his closet followers had been wounded and driven out, and the rest of the werewolves had broken back down into their small packs and disappeared into the streets like they had for so many years before.
On the field of battle lay nine dead. Remus and three others had rounded up all the children, and waited patiently for the Aurors to arrive.
I wasn’t called in for the task. I was never called in anymore. But Williamson told me the story. They found the eighteen young children gathered around Remus as he entertained them with stories, despite the carnage that lay nearby, while the other three stood guard. They were all taken into Ministry custody. The children were to be returned to their parents, and the three adult werewolves were granted immunity from prosecution and safe custody in exchange for giving the Ministry information on the know haunts and habits of Greyback and his Death Eater friends. And, after being vouched for by Albus Dumbledore, Remus was set free.
I saw him two days later at the Burrow. He was wearing clean new clothes, and he had shaved his beard and cut his hair. He looked thinner and greyer than he had before, but the thing that worried me the most was the nervous, haunted look in his eyes.
Molly was quick to give us some time to ourselves. We sat on a bench in her garden, watching a gnome pick its way through the lawn.
I wasn’t sure what to say. I knew that nothing I said would be the right thing. “I want you to know that I’m here for you, Remus. And I’ll always be here for you.”
Sure enough, it was the wrong thing.
“Don’t you see that’s the problem? You shouldn’t be here for me. You should be some where else, with someone else. Not with me. Never with me.”
It didn’t take long to turn into a full blown row. I argued that I didn’t care how old and worn and sick he was, or how poor and stigmatized he was, or how dangerous he claimed to be.
And he responded by treating me to a litany of all the horrible and criminal things that he had done on his mission.
None of them sounded too horrible or too criminal or too dangerous to me, and I told him so. He refused to listen.
“This is war, Remus. We all do things we don’t like. That’s how war works. Instead of condemning yourself like this, you should be proud of yourself. You broke up Voldemort’s plans and drove Greyback into hiding.”
He shook his head and paced away from me. “But at what cost? Was my success worth all the lives that were lost? There were nine of them. Nine-including one boy who was no older than twelve. If I’d only acted sooner-or been more prepared…”
“It wasn’t your fault, and you know it. You need to get over it.”
“I can’t just ‘get over it’! It doesn’t work that way. You don’t know what it’s like to be responsible for someone’s death-” He caught himself, and stared at me with wide eyes.
“I’m…I’m sorry,” he said. “I wasn’t thinking.”
“No. You weren’t. If you had been you’d know that you were no more responsible for those people’s deaths than I was for Sirius’s. Bellatrix killed Sirius. She is the only one who is truly responsible for that act. Just like only Greyback and his men are truly responsible for their murders.” I paused to let it sink in. “You were the one who helped me understand that-and helped me move on. I want to do the same for you, if you’ll let me.”
He stared at the ground around his feet for a long time before answering. “I don’t know if I can.”
I sighed. “Let me know when you make up your mind. I’ll be here.” I turned, and left him to his thoughts….
Over the next month we fell into a pattern. We would spend a few minutes on inconsequential small-talk. And then we would spend close to an hour arguing.
It was maddening.
I’d given in to the temptation to be with her once before, and it had caused her nothing but pain and grief. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake again. I wasn’t going to let myself hurt her like that a second time. And I was certain that pain was the only possible outcome.
All that we shared any more was our arguments. Surely she would tire of them soon, and let go of me once and for all….
At the end of April, I finally realized that my tactics were a complete and utter failure. I stayed away from him for close to a week, and even avoided talking to him at the Order meeting. I could see the relief on his face. He thought he’d finally driven me away. But he was wrong.
No matter how much he insisted that the man I fell in love with was gone, I knew otherwise. No one but my Remus would have been able to gain the trust of those werewolf children, and make them feel safe while they waited for the Aurors to come. No one but my Remus would have the compassion to go visit Mundungus in Azkaban. No one but my Remus would be this damn stubborn.
I finally decided on a new plan of action. When I saw him again at the Burrow, instead of arguing I sat down beside him with a smile on my face, and started a conversation about the latest product the twins were developing. He was a little on edge, and I could tell that he was expecting the argument to start again at any moment, but it never did. And at the end of the evening I bid him goodnight with another sunny smile on my face, and left him looking as befuddled as a Giant with an Arithmancy textbook.
My new tactic was a stunning success, and by the end of our third such conversation he was smiling and laughing freely again, just like old times. And every time I saw him his eyes began to look less and less haunted….
I had been so convinced that my mission would change me forever. But with every passing week I found my life returning ever closer to normal-or as normal as it could be during wartime.
Even my times with Nymphadora were getting easier. I thought she was beginning to forgive me. We were somehow salvaging a friendship out of the wreckage of our broken relationship. There were still moments when my desire to hold her was as sharp as a knife, but I tried to convince myself that in time it would pass.
I knew that I would always love her, but I had come to believe that we were past all hope of ever making a romance work. So I was learning to content myself with her friendship.
Then suddenly, one evening in the middle of May, as we were putting away the chess-set that we had been playing with, she leaned toward me and kissed me.
All the hunger and desire that I had been suppressing shot through me in an instant, and I found my arms wrapping themselves around her of their own volition as I opened my mouth to deepen our kiss. For a few extraordinary moments I allowed myself to forget the past, and lose myself in our embrace. But it couldn’t last. It wasn’t meant to be.
I pulled away, and stood up, pacing to the other side of the room.
“God damn it, Remus!” she said. “Why the hell are you so bloody stubborn! I still love you, you know. And you still love me.”
“It doesn’t matter. We can’t be together. You know the reasons why.”
“I know. I’ve heard them. Far too many times. I don’t need you to repeat them.”
“Good. Because I don’t want to.”
She shook her head and took a deep breath. “I’ll see you soon, Remus.” And with that, she was gone….
I started avoiding him again. I wanted more than anything to be with him, but it just hurt too much to have him push me away over and over again.
One night in early June Molly convinced me to come over for dinner, and I reluctantly went, knowing full well that he would be there. Things were pleasant enough during dinner, but afterward Fleur started going on and on about her damn wedding. I couldn’t take it any more. The only thing that made it bearable was seeing that Remus was squirming just as much as I was.
When he excused himself to go get some air in the garden, I followed him.
We stood quietly for several minutes. It felt peaceful, and almost comfortable. I should have stayed quiet. But I didn’t.
“That should be us, you know. It could have been us.”
He looked away from me and shook his head. “I could never have given you that kind of wedding.”
“Of course not. Mum would have paid for it.”
Unexpectedly, he burst out laughing. So I laughed along with him.
When we were done, I sighed. “It’s no use arguing, is it?”
He looked down at his feet, and didn’t answer.
I sighed again. “That’s what I thought. Good night, Remus.”
“Good night, Nymphadora.”….
That night, as we listened to Fleur expound on her grand wedding plans, something inside of me changed. I could feel myself surrendering.
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Nymphadora. I knew it, and I knew that I was through fighting it.
But when the time came to speak, I was too afraid. I’d hurt her so much. She seemed so bitter, and resigned.
I knew I may already be too late….
I didn’t see him again until we were both called to Hogwarts, to guard the castle in Dumbledore’s absence.
Too much happened that night. Too much changed. I should have been strong, and faced it with fortitude. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have any left.
When I saw Fleur defending her love for Bill, in spite of what had happened to him, I couldn’t take it any more.
Why couldn’t Remus see that that was how I felt about him? Why couldn’t he see that I didn’t care any more than she did?
And I snapped.
I regretted the words almost as soon as they left my mouth. I could see the mortification and horror on his face that I would have an outburst like that in front of so many people, at a time when we should be mourning. And he was right. What I did was horrible. It was too much. I went too far. And I’m afraid that with that one outburst, I may have finally lost him forever….
~~~~~~~~
I know I need to open my eyes and say something to her before she leaves, but I don’t have the words.
I had foolishly expected perfection for us, and when I couldn’t provide it I had denied us both the chance at wonderful. And I don’t know how to make it up to her. Every time we speak-every time we try to sort out this mess that we’ve made-all we do is hurt each other.
Even last night, after spending the last few weeks telling myself that I wanted to make things right with her, I still fell back into my old habits. I was so stunned by her public confrontation, and by the horror of what Greyback had done, that I lapsed into my old litany of excuses: too old, too poor, too dangerous.
Every time I open my mouth I manage to muddle things more and more. I wish there was a way to do this without speaking at all.
I wish there was a way to erase all the pain and frustration and misunderstanding that lies between us, so that we can start fresh.
Because I finally realize that that is what I want: a fresh start. Not as friends, or colleagues. But as lovers. As companions. As partners.
I can’t bear the thought of a life without her, any more than Fleur could bear the thought of a life without Bill.
Thank Merlin for Fleur. Thank Merlin that over and over again that strange, haughty girl somehow managed to open my eyes to the truth.
But is it too late? Last night might have been the final straw. How will she ever forgive me?
I hear her stand, and start to walk away.
I open my eyes, and start to my feet. “Wait! Please, wait.”
She stops, and turns.
I walk toward her.
“I know we need to talk-but every time we do I seem to make things worse. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix things between us. I don’t know how to make them right again. And I so very much want to make things right.”
She steps towards me, and reaches out to take my hands in hers. “Do you mean this kind of right? The kind where we can be together?”
My heart is pounding in my chest, and my mouth feels dry. “Yes. This kind of right. How do we…how can I…how can I fix the past? Is that even possible?”
She shakes her head. “No. It’s not.”
Just as my hope begins to fade, she tightens her grip on my hands and steps even closer to me.
“We can’t fix the past. All we can do is make this moment right. And the next moment even righter. And the next moment. And the next. And when we make more mistakes, we get past them, and move on to making more right moments. What’s done is done, Remus. It’s time to stop thinking about all the things we can’t control and all the things we can’t fix, and just enjoy what we have right here, right now. Which, if we want it enough, can be pretty bloody amazing.”
And it is. It is amazing. It amazes me that I can love her more right now than I ever have before.
I don’t need to say another word. I’m through with words.
I lean forward, and kiss her.
The End
Read Part 1
Read Part 2
And I know that all I have to do is open my eyes and look at her, and we can finally sort things out between us once and for all.
But I don’t. Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of breaking this silence that lies between us. I’m afraid that anything I say will only do more harm than good.
I don’t have the words to fix the problems that separate us.
So my eyes stay closed, and I wait….
~~~~~~~~
The night of the full moon I couldn’t sleep. I kept wondering what was happening to him-what it was like transforming with the pack. I hoped that the potion was working, but at the same time I wondered if it might actually be more horrible watching the pack transform with his mind still intact, than with it gone.
It wasn’t until dawn that I could finally relax and go to bed. I was surprised, less than an hour later, when there was a knock on my door.
It was Remus. He was pale, and haggard, and there was dried blood on his hands and on his battered shoes. He fell into my arms, shaking violently and taking long, ragged breathes.
After the shaking subsided I led him to a chair, and gave him a few sips of whiskey to calm him. I didn’t ask him what had happened. If he wanted to talk about it, he would. I wasn’t going to make him.
I took him to the bath, and we scrubbed off the sweat and dirt and blood. He didn’t have any serious injuries. The blood must have belonged to someone else.
I wrapped him in a blanket and went to wash his clothes in the sink. I wanted to burn them-but he would need them back to blend in with the other werewolves.
After hanging them to dry in the shower I came back into the bedroom. He was sitting on the bed, staring at the rumpled sheets in front of him with haunted eyes. I sat beside him and wrapped my arm around his bare shoulders. He looked up at me, as if noticing for the first time that I was still there.
Without saying a word he reached up to take my face in his hand. I’d never in my life seen Remus Lupin look so completely vulnerable as he did that day.
He pulled me in for a fierce kiss, and his short beard scratched my face. His hands roamed over my body, and he began to tug eagerly at my tee-shirt, pulling it off over my head. Unlike the night we spent together a week earlier, there was nothing tender or loving about his touch. He was frenzied and rough-but I didn’t care. If this was what he needed to help him cope, then I would give it to him….
I must have slept for hours. When I woke, she was beside me, still asleep. She was laying curled on her stomach, and I could see some bruises on her arm where I had gripped her, faint scratches on her back and shoulders where my nails and teeth had scraped across her skin, and small specks of red here and there where I’d broken through to the tender flesh underneath.
I closed my eyes again. Images of spilled blood and torn flesh filled my mind, and I could once more hear the echo of howls and vicious barking in my ears. It had been so much worse than I ever imagined it. And instead of helping that poor youngster that the older ones had turned on once they ran out of cats and rats to rip apart, I had huddled back in the shadows, watching as they assaulted him.
I opened my eyes again, to look at her. I’d never been more ashamed. I’d failed in my duties to protect the weak and innocent among my fellow werewolves. And instead of facing the aftermath of the night’s brutality like a man, I had retrieved my clothes and Apparated away as soon as I could move, just so that I wouldn’t have to look at all that blood.
I’d wanted to feel like a human being again-to remind myself that I was better than them. That I was more than just a creature. But instead I came here and rutted with her like the animal that I really was.
She deserved so much better. She deserved a man who was whole, and young, and trustworthy. Not a miserable worn-out vagrant who turns into an animal once a month. I should never have let myself sleep with her-I should never have let myself believe that we could be together.
I could see then that no matter how much I had hoped otherwise, I would never emerge from my mission unscathed. In order to succeed at the task before me I would have to become the kind of animal that the others understood-the kind of creature that they respected. And that morning with her, I had seen that the creature had been inside of me all along, just waiting to come out. If I ever came back from this mission, I would come back as little more then an animal. I would never deserve the love that she offered me.
That night we had shared-that we had dared to dream of a life together-was nothing but a fantasy. And I couldn’t live with myself if I allowed that fantasy to continue.
I slipped out of bed, being careful not to wake her. Pulling my damp clothes onto my body, I sat down at the small table in the corner. I scratched out a letter to her-knowing full well that anything I could say would be inadequate. But it was all I could do. I didn’t dare wait until she woke. I didn’t trust myself to resist her.
I laid the letter on my empty pillow. After taking one last look at her sleeping face, I slipped quietly out the door….
I was furious, and miserable. Angry and heartbroken. I didn’t know if I wanted to hex him to oblivion or kiss him until he realized what a horrible mistake he’d made.
Words and phrases from his letter haunted me: …it was a mistake…you deserve so much more…too dangerous…forget me…find someone new…I don’t expect your forgiveness.
More than five days after he’d disappeared while I slept, I still couldn’t fully accept what had happened. I didn’t want to believe that he had really left me. Not Remus. Not after all we’d been through together.
I’d managed to pull myself together during my duty-shifts, but had to beg my way out of most of the Dementor duty. I didn’t have it in me to conjure a Patronus. Not this week. In all my off-duty hours I’d been alternating between fits of foul temper, and bouts of crying. I was falling to pieces. Just a week earlier I’d been able to hold a morph for most of the day-now I couldn’t even manage a morph in the first place.
After a day divided between patrolling Hogsmeade and screening Hogwarts owl-post I made my way back to the Hog’s Head, and had a few drinks at the bar before storming up to my room. Not much later I received an unexpected visit from Mad-Eye Moody.
He sat stiffly in one of my two rickety chairs, staring at me with his one human eye while the other spun wildly in his head, no doubt scanning the premises for villains.
I tapped my fingers impatiently on the table while I waited for him to speak.
Finally, he grunted. “Remus came to see me today.”
I sat up straight, my breath catching in my throat. “Is he…all right?”
“As good as can be expected. He’ll be better in a few weeks, once he stops moping about you.”
I scowled. “If all you’re going to do is insult me, you can leave. Now!”
“I’m not here to insult you. Just to tell you the truth.”
“What truth?”
“War is no time to fall in love, girl. Especially when you’re going undercover. You should have left him well enough alone so that he could do his work. Instead you filled his head with thoughts of love, and dreams of a happy future. There’s nothing worse that you could’ve done to him.”
I shook my head. “You’re wrong. You’re wrong!” I rose to my feet.
He rose, as well. “No, Tonks. I’m not. And you’d understand that if you’d listen to me. The job he’s got before him will take every ounce of strength and focus that he has. He’ll need steel in his heart to get through it. And no heart can be made of steel if it’s being muddled up by love and sex. If he’s always looking ahead to a future with the girl who’s waiting for him at home, he’ll never have what it takes to get the job done today. You broke his focus, and you broke his commitment, and he came damn close to breaking his cover as a result. This mission of his is too important for that.”
I’d heard other-older-Aurors talking like this before. And when I first joined the squad, I’d believed them. I’d never expected to fall in love. There were lots of things I never expected.
“I only wanted to help him,” I said defensively. “I wanted to be there for him.”
“The best way for you to help him is to stay away from him. Remus has always let his emotions get in the way of his judgment. If you keep clinging to him like this you’ll only distract him, and his mission will fail. That’s why, from now on, I’ll be his official Order contact. As soon as I’m done here, I’m heading up to the castle to inform Dumbledore. Are you going to give me any trouble?” He glared at me.
I wanted to shout at him-to curse him-to grab that bloody spinning eye out of his face and throw it in the lake. I didn’t want to listen. But Moody and his damn lecture had put doubts in my heart. What if I really had hurt him? What if Moody was right?
I’d thrown myself at Remus like a desperate little tart, because I’d convinced myself that being with me would give him the strength that he needed to succeed. But what if I was wrong? What if, instead of helping him, I’d only made things harder? This was a problem I didn’t know how to solve.
I shook my head, looking down at the floor with tears prickling in my eyes. “I won’t cause any trouble.”
“You’ll leave Remus alone?”
I nodded. “Yes.”….
As the weeks passed it grew easier and easier to stop thinking about her-to stop worrying about her, or wondering about her, or fantasizing about a future that was never meant to be. It grew easier to focus on the task before me, and to immerse myself in the bizarre society that my fellow outcasts had created for themselves. I even began to take a strange satisfaction in the respect and trust I was able to gain from the others as I learned to assert myself among them. Anyone who carried and used a wand was automatically deferred to, and I used this to my advantage.
Gradually, I came to understand them, and to recognize weaknesses in Greyback’s network of control. By the end of the year, I had begun to formulate a plan. It would take several months to bring it to fruition, but if I succeeded then Greyback’s power would be destroyed, and the others would be left free to live their lives as they chose to-not as that blood-thirsty tyrant dictated.
By the middle of December I had become capable of forcing my thoughts of Nymphadora into nothing more than ghostly daydreams that would flit across the periphery of my mind when I was tired, or hungry. It was almost like she was something out of a book I once read, or a play I had seen. My life now was sleeping on the cold pavement, digging scraps of food out of rubbish bins, and using my magic to gain dominance over the other pathetic souls who engaged in the daily power struggle to rule over our tiny kingdom of dirt and grim. That beautiful pink-haired woman couldn’t possibly have a part of my life. She never could have loved me. It must have all been a strange, vivid dream.
As Christmas drew near, Alastor relayed two invitations to me-one from Andromeda, and one from the Weasleys.
It felt strange, after so many months underground, to think about seeing my friends again. It didn’t seem right that there was still a world out there where people slept in warm beds, and cooked fresh food in cozy kitchens. Where families and friends loved each other. And it felt even stranger to me that some of them still wanted me to be a part of that world.
I was reluctant to go at all, but Alastor finally convinced me that I had earned a brief respite from my work.
I didn’t dare go to Andromeda’s house. Nymphadora would be there. But Alastor was right. I did need a break. A time to rest, and prepare myself to implement my plan. So I agreed to spend three days at the Burrow….
The final months of the year were long and exhausting. The pain of my forced separation from Remus never disappeared, but it did eventually recede into a persistent dull ache, instead of the intense pain that it had started as. I fell into a routine, performing my duties mechanically, and working as much overtime as they would allow me. I wanted to exhaust myself enough to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep as soon as I returned to my bed. I only allowed myself to think of that bliss-filled night that I had spent with Remus when I was fighting off Dementors. I wanted to preserve that memory for times when I needed its strength, instead of diminishing its power by dwelling on it.
I tried to avoid my mother and the Order members as much as possible. I took assignments whenever my work schedule allowed, and performed them as mechanically as I did my Auror duties. But I rarely socialized with my friends from the Order like I once had. Molly, however, did her best to stay in my life, and by the beginning of December she had pestered me enough that I finally gave up and admitted to her what had happened between Remus and me. I immediately regretted it, because I could see the matchmaking gears starting to spin behind her eyes.
When she invited me to visit for Christmas a few days later, I knew full well that I wasn’t the only person she had invited. I strung her along until two days before Christmas, and then told her that I couldn’t make it. I didn’t want to leave her any time to come up with an alternative plan. And I volunteered for a double shift on Christmas day so that I didn’t have to go to my mum’s house, either, just in case. I wasn’t going to take any chances of seeing him….
Late Christmas afternoon, I stood outside behind the Burrow, looking out over the snow covered hills. My breath came out in misty puffs, and though my coat was wholly inadequate to protect me from the chill of the day, I didn’t care. I’d grown used to being cold.
I needed some quiet time to reflect. Over the past months I had convinced myself that Nymphadora would get over me and move on. That she would realize that she hadn’t really loved me-that her feelings had only been gratitude and friendship. It had comforted me to think that she would be getting on with her life in my absence. I had hoped that her time in Hogsmeade, away from the front lines of battle, would have given her time to heal. But, as with so many other things, I had been wrong. She hadn’t let go of me at all. And I was ashamed that my first reaction to that news was to feel a longing to see her again.
I heard footsteps approaching behind me, and looked over my shoulder. I expected to see Arthur or Molly, or perhaps even Bill, so I was caught by surprise when I saw Fleur approaching me with a stern look on her face.
“Hello, Fleur. Are you out for a walk?”
“No. I came out looking for you.”
Now I was doubly surprised. “For me?”
“Yes. I ‘ave something to say to you.”
“What?”
“Eef you are so een love with ‘er, why don’t you go to ‘er?”
Of all the things Fleur Delacour could have said to me that day that was the last one that I would have expected. “Go to who?” I tried to pretend I didn’t know her answer. She shook her head and frowned.
“Tonks, of course! Do not pretend with me, Remus. I know all about you two. Bill ‘as told me everything. I know zat you were lovers. And eet is clear zat you are still een love with ‘er. I could see eet on your face every time someone mentioned ‘er name. I think zat eef you are so een love with ‘er, you should go to ‘er.”
I’d have thought that Molly must have put the girl up to this, if I hadn’t seen the clear animosity she felt for her future daughter-in-law. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because all your pouting and moping ees ruining my ‘oliday. Eet is ‘ard to enjoy my love with Bill when you are sulking around ze ‘ouse all day. I do not understand why you don’t go to ‘er. Eef you think zat she no longer loves you, zhen you are wrong. She is even worse at ‘iding eet zhen you are, with ‘er brown ‘air, and ‘er stumbling and bumbling around, looking always at ze ground instead of people’s faces. She loves you, and you love ‘er. You should be togezzer instead of moping around ruining other people’s ‘appiness with your gloomy attitudes.”
I was completely taken aback. All at once I felt thrilled by the prospect that Nymphadora might still be in love with me, even after all I had done to her, and bewildered by the strange source of this information. But even as my heart began to leap, I pulled it back down again. My circumstances hadn’t changed. I was still a poor vagrant, growing older and greyer by the week, with a long and dangerous job ahead of me. And even worse, I’d become hard, and learned to be brutal, vicious and manipulative in order to achieve my goals. I wasn’t the man she thought I was. Not anymore. Going to Nymphadora now would just be another mistake.
“I wish it were that easy,” I said, feeling somehow obliged to explain myself to this strange, haughty girl. “But how we feel doesn’t matter. There are too many obstacles in the way of us being together.”
She snorted a tiny humph at me. “Ridiculous. Every love ‘as obstacles. You think my love with Bill ‘as no obstacles? My parents think zat ‘e ees beneath us. Zat ‘e ees not worthy of me. Zey say I am too young to know my own ‘eart. Bill was ready to let me go because of this. But I would not let ‘im. I told ‘im zat our love was worth every sacrifice we made, and worth every mountain we ‘ad to climb. Eef you really love Tonks, zat is ‘ow you should feel about ‘er. You should not let anything stand een your way. So you should go to ‘er. Tonight. And stop bozzering ze rest of us with your pouting.” With that she gave a confident little nod, spun on her heel and stalked back toward the house.
I was tempted to laugh off her strange advice. But her simplicity appealed to me. If only things were really that easy….
My Christmas was a grueling day. I was up patrolling at midnight, and didn’t get off until the next midnight. By the end of the day I was running on nothing but willpower and a double-dose of Invigoration draught. I’d never thought I’d ever be happy to see Dawlish, but I was that night when he came to relieve me.
My brain was too foggy to risk Apparition, so I trudged home slowly, dragging my feet in the snow. Dark thoughts had been swirling in my head all day. I was starting to wonder if Remus had really meant all the things he told me on that one joyful night we shared together-or was it all just bullshit?
He hadn’t contacted me a single time since that awful letter. Not once. Not even a little note to let me know he was okay.
I still loved him, and for the past few months I had still believed that someday-when his mission was over-we might be able to salvage a future together. But I was beginning to doubt. If he really loved me-if he really wanted to be with me-wouldn’t he have contacted me at least once or twice? Maybe he had never loved me as more than just a friend. Maybe he thought we could be more, but then changed his mind. Maybe I wasn’t good enough for him. Maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe…
I stopped short in my walk home when I saw a man standing across the street from the Hog’s Head, staring up at the guest room windows.
On instinct, I quickly darted behind the corner of the nearest building, and disillusioned myself before peering back out to look at him.
He looked down at the door of the pub, and then back up at the windows. Then he looked away, and started pacing back and forth. He paused, looked up again, and then started walking across the street to the pub. The light of a street lamp fell across his face, and I caught my breath.
It was Remus.
Halfway across the street he paused, looked up at the windows again, shook his head, and turned back to resume his pacing on the far side of the street.
He repeated the pattern over and over again. Staring, pacing, starting across the street, and turning back. I began to wonder if I should go talk to him.
No. I was going to wait. I wanted him to want to see me enough to actually go inside. If he needed to see me enough to get up the courage to go inside, then I would follow him. I wanted him to make the choice.
I stood watching him for nearly an hour. Eventually he slumped against the building behind him, and held his head in his hands. He looked up at the windows one last time, and then turned and walked away. I could have called out to him. I could have caught him. I could have asked him why he came, and what he was feeling.
But I didn’t. I just stood there and watched him disappear into the night.
A few days later, he sent me a note. It read: “Nymphadora-I’m sorry I missed you at Christmas. And I’m sorry I haven’t written you sooner. My work is far from done, and I may not see again for many more months. But I want you to know that you are still in my thoughts, and in my heart. Please-don’t let yourself hurt for my sake. Be strong for me. Love, Remus.”
I read it over, and over, and over. He made no promises for the future. He gave me no hope that we could be together. But he sent me his love, and said I was still in his heart. I didn’t know what to make of it.
I had so many questions for him, and no way to get my answers. I’d given up my chance when I let him walk away….
I didn’t see her again until the last week of February. In the five months of our separation, it was the first Order meeting that we were both able to attend.
Seeing her again was like being struck by lightening. I felt jolted, and nervous prickles and twinges coursed up and down my body.
I’d been thinking about her more and more often in the past few weeks. I knew I shouldn’t. It was too much of a distraction. But my plan was in motion. The end was in sight. One way or another, my mission would be done within a month’s time, and the temptation to start thinking of the future again had been too great. And even after all I’d done to her I was still selfish enough to imagine a future with her in it.
Her hair was the same dull brown that it had been in the weeks following Sirius’s death, and her face was pale and drawn. She looked thinner, and older.
She walked into the meeting a few minutes late, while Kingsley was giving his report. She was making her way to a seat in the back of the room when she caught sight of me. She froze in her tracks, and stood as if petrified, staring into my eyes.
I always used to be able to tell what she was thinking or feeling just by looking into her eyes-but now, I had no idea what was passing through her mind. It was almost like I was looking into the eyes of a stranger. That thought hit me with a sharper pain than anything else that I had suffered during the past year. It was almost unbearable to think of her once more becoming a stranger to me, just as she had during my long years away from England.
Would we ever get to the point where we could pass each other in the street, and nod with small smiles on our faces as we would to any other old acquaintance? Had I lost her so completely?
After another moment of staring at me with that unreadable expression, she quietly found her seat and turned her attention to Kingsley.
After a few more reports had been given, my turn came due. It was only the second report I had made to the full Order since my mission began, and I had hopes that my next report would come after my plan had come to fruition, and I had come home-wherever home now lay.
I tried to avoid her eyes as I spoke, but I could feel them on me, burning into me.
I detailed for everyone how I had been able to make my way into the highest circle of leadership among the group of smaller packs that had recently been coalesced into a single unit by Greyback and his cronies. And I had been able to ingratiate myself with one of Greyback’s most trusted henchmen. He was a young and charismatic wizard, cast out by his family after receiving his bite when he was seventeen. He had no great love for Greyback, and had only been serving him to gain power and security for himself. With my influence guiding him, he was nearly ready to lead an open rebellion against Greyback and take leadership of the pack for himself. I had high hopes of bringing about the mutiny just after the next full moon. If we succeeded, then Voldemort’s hopes of turning a werewolf army against the populace of wizarding England would be dashed, and hopefully, he would punish Greyback severely for his failure.
It was only after I had finished speaking, and Dumbledore was congratulating me on my progress that I allowed myself to look at her. Her eyes were still firmly fixed on me, and they seemed to be glowing with an inner light.
After the meeting, I circulated through the group accepting their words of friendship and encouragement. But hers was the only face I saw. She sat patiently in the corner, chatting quietly with Molly, waiting for me.
Eventually, everyone began to leave headquarters. Molly rose from where she sat at Nymphadora’s side. I noticed that she squeezed Nymphadora’s hand before heading toward me. She gave me a warm hug, and told me that I was welcome to stay at the Burrow as soon as my task was complete. I thanked her warmly, but my eyes kept drifting back to the corner where Nymphadora still sat.
Molly gave me a knowing look, and bid me goodnight as she bustled Arthur out of the room, leaving me alone with Nymphadora.
I slowly walked toward her, painfully aware of my shaggy hair and beard, and my tattered clothes. She continued to stare at me, looking me up and down as I approached, taking in every detail.
I forced a smile onto my face. “Hello, Nymphadora.”
“Hello, Remus. Have a seat.” She patted the chair beside her. I reluctantly slid into the chair, pushing it slightly further away from her as I did.
We sat in silence for a few minutes, exchanging awkward smiles and shuffling our feet.
Finally, she spoke. “That’s quite a plan you have going. Very devious. Very manipulative. You’d have made a fine Slytherin.” Her smile seemed genuine as she spoke, and I found that I was able to smile genuinely in return.
“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or an insult.”
“Take it however you wish.”
There was another long pause. “So you’ll be done soon,” she said. “You’ll be able to come home.” I wished that I could see what was going on behind those guarded eyes.
I nodded. “Yes.”
She bit her lip. “Where will you stay?”
“I don’t know.”
“You should take Molly’s offer, and stay in the Burrow. You need to be around good people, again. You’ve earned that.”
I looked down at the floor, thinking of all the crimes and acts of violence that I had committed in the past months. And for this, I deserved the reward of being around “good people”? I nodded. “Perhaps. Perhaps I will.”
We paused again.
“I need to ask you a question, Remus,” she said. “And I want an honest answer. No lies. No dancing around the truth. Just a simple yes or no. Can you do that for me?”
This was the conversation that I had been dreading. But I knew it was coming. I had to face it. I nodded again. “Yes. I can.”
“Do you still love me?”
“That’s…very direct.”
“I need to be. Now answer the question. Do you still love me?”
I sat for a long time, studying her face, and looking into those eyes that were so familiar, yet so strange. So much inside of me had changed over the past months. So much of the whole world had changed. I didn’t know myself anymore. I didn’t know who I would come back as. But one thing hadn’t changed. So I looked into her eyes, and told her the truth.
“Yes.”
The unreadable veneer that had covered her dark eyes crumbled as her tears began to swell, and I could plainly see all of her pain, fear, sorrow, and frustration.
She shook her head and blotted her tears with her fingers.
“Thank you,” she said, cracking a weak smile around her tears. “It’s nice, to finally know. I’ve had my doubts.”
I took a deep breath. It was my turn. “Do you…still love me?”
She frowned at me. “Yes. Of course I do, you wally. Did you actually think I would stop?”
She always had a knack for leaving me speechless.
She huffed at me. “You did, didn’t you? You really believed that I’d just get over you, and move on?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know what I believed. I’d hoped you’d move on. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.”
She snorted. “Bollocks. If that’s what you wanted, you’d never have chucked me.”
“It’s not bollocks! I’m no good for you. You’d be better off with someone else. Better by far.”
“Why is it your choice to make?”
I rose to my feet, and walked a few paces away from her. I was getting frustrated. Why couldn’t she understand? I turned to face her. “You’re young. You’ve never been in love before.”
“Have you?”
“Yes.”
“How many times?” She stood, facing me down.
I sputtered. This was nothing like how I had imagined this conversation. “Once,” I admitted.
“So that makes you the expert, then?” she shot back, her eyes now fiery with anger.
“Maybe!” I retorted, my own anger rising.
I was expecting another sharp response, but she took me by surprise once again.
“I was ready to commit myself to you for the rest of my life,” she said softly, taking a step toward me. “And I still am, if you’ll get over your ridiculous nobility complex and let me be there for you when you need me.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Don’t I?”
“You’re too young and too inexperienced to make that kind of commitment.”
“I’m older than the Potters were. Older than my parents were. Did they make a mistake?”
I couldn’t respond. My head was still spinning. She couldn’t be saying what she was saying. This couldn’t be real.
“No,” I finally muttered.
She stepped toward me again. “Good. So. We’ve established that I might know what I’m talking about. And we’ve established that I’m not too young. And we’ve established that we still love each other. So where does that leave us?” She moved even closer to me-close enough for me to take her in my arms. I resisted the impulse.
“I don’t know.”
“When will you know?”
I closed my eyes and shook my head. This was too much. Five months without seeing her once-and suddenly she seemed to be asking me for a lifetime commitment?
It seemed like it would be so easy. It could be like something out of a fairy tale. I could just say yes, and fall into her arms, and find everything that I’d ever wanted. It would be just like all my dreams. We could live happily ever after.
However, this wasn’t a fairy tale. Werewolves don’t get happily ever afters.
“We can’t be together,” I said.
She pulled back-the tears reforming in her eyes. “Why not?”
“I’m not the man you fell in love with. Not any more. This mission has changed me. If you knew the things I’d done-the things I still have to do…. I’ve turned into a brute. A vicious, dangerous, brute. I’ve become the same kind of base animal as the rest of the pack.”
“You’re wrong. I’ll prove to you that you’re wrong, if you’ll just give me the chance.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. I can’t. I’m sorry.” I turned and walked away from her.
I could hear her calling my name, but I didn’t look back….
Less than a month later he was back, and it was all over.
The death of the Montgomery boy had been the catalyst. Most of the werewolves weren’t killers, and they were sick of death. All of the pieces of rebellion that Remus had built rapidly fell in to place the morning after the transformation, when it became clear that Greyback had murdered the boy.
There was fighting-with fists, and feet, and teeth, and knives, and for the few who were qualified wizards there were wands. By the early afternoon, Greyback and less than half a dozen of his closet followers had been wounded and driven out, and the rest of the werewolves had broken back down into their small packs and disappeared into the streets like they had for so many years before.
On the field of battle lay nine dead. Remus and three others had rounded up all the children, and waited patiently for the Aurors to arrive.
I wasn’t called in for the task. I was never called in anymore. But Williamson told me the story. They found the eighteen young children gathered around Remus as he entertained them with stories, despite the carnage that lay nearby, while the other three stood guard. They were all taken into Ministry custody. The children were to be returned to their parents, and the three adult werewolves were granted immunity from prosecution and safe custody in exchange for giving the Ministry information on the know haunts and habits of Greyback and his Death Eater friends. And, after being vouched for by Albus Dumbledore, Remus was set free.
I saw him two days later at the Burrow. He was wearing clean new clothes, and he had shaved his beard and cut his hair. He looked thinner and greyer than he had before, but the thing that worried me the most was the nervous, haunted look in his eyes.
Molly was quick to give us some time to ourselves. We sat on a bench in her garden, watching a gnome pick its way through the lawn.
I wasn’t sure what to say. I knew that nothing I said would be the right thing. “I want you to know that I’m here for you, Remus. And I’ll always be here for you.”
Sure enough, it was the wrong thing.
“Don’t you see that’s the problem? You shouldn’t be here for me. You should be some where else, with someone else. Not with me. Never with me.”
It didn’t take long to turn into a full blown row. I argued that I didn’t care how old and worn and sick he was, or how poor and stigmatized he was, or how dangerous he claimed to be.
And he responded by treating me to a litany of all the horrible and criminal things that he had done on his mission.
None of them sounded too horrible or too criminal or too dangerous to me, and I told him so. He refused to listen.
“This is war, Remus. We all do things we don’t like. That’s how war works. Instead of condemning yourself like this, you should be proud of yourself. You broke up Voldemort’s plans and drove Greyback into hiding.”
He shook his head and paced away from me. “But at what cost? Was my success worth all the lives that were lost? There were nine of them. Nine-including one boy who was no older than twelve. If I’d only acted sooner-or been more prepared…”
“It wasn’t your fault, and you know it. You need to get over it.”
“I can’t just ‘get over it’! It doesn’t work that way. You don’t know what it’s like to be responsible for someone’s death-” He caught himself, and stared at me with wide eyes.
“I’m…I’m sorry,” he said. “I wasn’t thinking.”
“No. You weren’t. If you had been you’d know that you were no more responsible for those people’s deaths than I was for Sirius’s. Bellatrix killed Sirius. She is the only one who is truly responsible for that act. Just like only Greyback and his men are truly responsible for their murders.” I paused to let it sink in. “You were the one who helped me understand that-and helped me move on. I want to do the same for you, if you’ll let me.”
He stared at the ground around his feet for a long time before answering. “I don’t know if I can.”
I sighed. “Let me know when you make up your mind. I’ll be here.” I turned, and left him to his thoughts….
Over the next month we fell into a pattern. We would spend a few minutes on inconsequential small-talk. And then we would spend close to an hour arguing.
It was maddening.
I’d given in to the temptation to be with her once before, and it had caused her nothing but pain and grief. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake again. I wasn’t going to let myself hurt her like that a second time. And I was certain that pain was the only possible outcome.
All that we shared any more was our arguments. Surely she would tire of them soon, and let go of me once and for all….
At the end of April, I finally realized that my tactics were a complete and utter failure. I stayed away from him for close to a week, and even avoided talking to him at the Order meeting. I could see the relief on his face. He thought he’d finally driven me away. But he was wrong.
No matter how much he insisted that the man I fell in love with was gone, I knew otherwise. No one but my Remus would have been able to gain the trust of those werewolf children, and make them feel safe while they waited for the Aurors to come. No one but my Remus would have the compassion to go visit Mundungus in Azkaban. No one but my Remus would be this damn stubborn.
I finally decided on a new plan of action. When I saw him again at the Burrow, instead of arguing I sat down beside him with a smile on my face, and started a conversation about the latest product the twins were developing. He was a little on edge, and I could tell that he was expecting the argument to start again at any moment, but it never did. And at the end of the evening I bid him goodnight with another sunny smile on my face, and left him looking as befuddled as a Giant with an Arithmancy textbook.
My new tactic was a stunning success, and by the end of our third such conversation he was smiling and laughing freely again, just like old times. And every time I saw him his eyes began to look less and less haunted….
I had been so convinced that my mission would change me forever. But with every passing week I found my life returning ever closer to normal-or as normal as it could be during wartime.
Even my times with Nymphadora were getting easier. I thought she was beginning to forgive me. We were somehow salvaging a friendship out of the wreckage of our broken relationship. There were still moments when my desire to hold her was as sharp as a knife, but I tried to convince myself that in time it would pass.
I knew that I would always love her, but I had come to believe that we were past all hope of ever making a romance work. So I was learning to content myself with her friendship.
Then suddenly, one evening in the middle of May, as we were putting away the chess-set that we had been playing with, she leaned toward me and kissed me.
All the hunger and desire that I had been suppressing shot through me in an instant, and I found my arms wrapping themselves around her of their own volition as I opened my mouth to deepen our kiss. For a few extraordinary moments I allowed myself to forget the past, and lose myself in our embrace. But it couldn’t last. It wasn’t meant to be.
I pulled away, and stood up, pacing to the other side of the room.
“God damn it, Remus!” she said. “Why the hell are you so bloody stubborn! I still love you, you know. And you still love me.”
“It doesn’t matter. We can’t be together. You know the reasons why.”
“I know. I’ve heard them. Far too many times. I don’t need you to repeat them.”
“Good. Because I don’t want to.”
She shook her head and took a deep breath. “I’ll see you soon, Remus.” And with that, she was gone….
I started avoiding him again. I wanted more than anything to be with him, but it just hurt too much to have him push me away over and over again.
One night in early June Molly convinced me to come over for dinner, and I reluctantly went, knowing full well that he would be there. Things were pleasant enough during dinner, but afterward Fleur started going on and on about her damn wedding. I couldn’t take it any more. The only thing that made it bearable was seeing that Remus was squirming just as much as I was.
When he excused himself to go get some air in the garden, I followed him.
We stood quietly for several minutes. It felt peaceful, and almost comfortable. I should have stayed quiet. But I didn’t.
“That should be us, you know. It could have been us.”
He looked away from me and shook his head. “I could never have given you that kind of wedding.”
“Of course not. Mum would have paid for it.”
Unexpectedly, he burst out laughing. So I laughed along with him.
When we were done, I sighed. “It’s no use arguing, is it?”
He looked down at his feet, and didn’t answer.
I sighed again. “That’s what I thought. Good night, Remus.”
“Good night, Nymphadora.”….
That night, as we listened to Fleur expound on her grand wedding plans, something inside of me changed. I could feel myself surrendering.
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Nymphadora. I knew it, and I knew that I was through fighting it.
But when the time came to speak, I was too afraid. I’d hurt her so much. She seemed so bitter, and resigned.
I knew I may already be too late….
I didn’t see him again until we were both called to Hogwarts, to guard the castle in Dumbledore’s absence.
Too much happened that night. Too much changed. I should have been strong, and faced it with fortitude. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have any left.
When I saw Fleur defending her love for Bill, in spite of what had happened to him, I couldn’t take it any more.
Why couldn’t Remus see that that was how I felt about him? Why couldn’t he see that I didn’t care any more than she did?
And I snapped.
I regretted the words almost as soon as they left my mouth. I could see the mortification and horror on his face that I would have an outburst like that in front of so many people, at a time when we should be mourning. And he was right. What I did was horrible. It was too much. I went too far. And I’m afraid that with that one outburst, I may have finally lost him forever….
~~~~~~~~
I know I need to open my eyes and say something to her before she leaves, but I don’t have the words.
I had foolishly expected perfection for us, and when I couldn’t provide it I had denied us both the chance at wonderful. And I don’t know how to make it up to her. Every time we speak-every time we try to sort out this mess that we’ve made-all we do is hurt each other.
Even last night, after spending the last few weeks telling myself that I wanted to make things right with her, I still fell back into my old habits. I was so stunned by her public confrontation, and by the horror of what Greyback had done, that I lapsed into my old litany of excuses: too old, too poor, too dangerous.
Every time I open my mouth I manage to muddle things more and more. I wish there was a way to do this without speaking at all.
I wish there was a way to erase all the pain and frustration and misunderstanding that lies between us, so that we can start fresh.
Because I finally realize that that is what I want: a fresh start. Not as friends, or colleagues. But as lovers. As companions. As partners.
I can’t bear the thought of a life without her, any more than Fleur could bear the thought of a life without Bill.
Thank Merlin for Fleur. Thank Merlin that over and over again that strange, haughty girl somehow managed to open my eyes to the truth.
But is it too late? Last night might have been the final straw. How will she ever forgive me?
I hear her stand, and start to walk away.
I open my eyes, and start to my feet. “Wait! Please, wait.”
She stops, and turns.
I walk toward her.
“I know we need to talk-but every time we do I seem to make things worse. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix things between us. I don’t know how to make them right again. And I so very much want to make things right.”
She steps towards me, and reaches out to take my hands in hers. “Do you mean this kind of right? The kind where we can be together?”
My heart is pounding in my chest, and my mouth feels dry. “Yes. This kind of right. How do we…how can I…how can I fix the past? Is that even possible?”
She shakes her head. “No. It’s not.”
Just as my hope begins to fade, she tightens her grip on my hands and steps even closer to me.
“We can’t fix the past. All we can do is make this moment right. And the next moment even righter. And the next moment. And the next. And when we make more mistakes, we get past them, and move on to making more right moments. What’s done is done, Remus. It’s time to stop thinking about all the things we can’t control and all the things we can’t fix, and just enjoy what we have right here, right now. Which, if we want it enough, can be pretty bloody amazing.”
And it is. It is amazing. It amazes me that I can love her more right now than I ever have before.
I don’t need to say another word. I’m through with words.
I lean forward, and kiss her.
The End
Read Part 1
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