LJ Idol Week 4: “Nobody can ride your back if your back's not bent”*
Your Own Worst Enemy
Grace is not quite yelling at me but she is telling me that I need to do better and what she wants me to try to improve on.
The Little Voice inside my head, which has been with me for most of my life, is agreeing with Grace. You take too long to get tasks done; you forgot to put away the tools when you were done last week. You fail at life in general, The Voice adds. I keep my head down and my hands at my sides. I nod. I clear my throat before asking how long it should take me today. She tells me to check in with her after each task. They’re having friends over that night and most of my tasks will be basic cleaning.
It’s a live/work space and they’ve been letting me sleep on the couch. I’m lucky to have this, I remind myself, I wouldn’t be here if they didn’t actually care about my wellbeing. They’re friends, they’re trying to help. The Little Voice just laughs.
Grace is on the couch and her assistant Amy is sitting with her laptop at the dining room table. Jack and Thomas are working in the backyard. It’s hard for me to focus with everyone around. It feels like my every action is scrutinized. You’re ridiculous, The Voice taunts. I fumble a pan into the sink and splash water onto the floor. My hands are shaking when I have to ask Grace for further instructions on a particular task.
She tells me to change the order I had planned to do things in. I get flustered. I start to walk away and she calls me back, she wants to know why I didn’t do something yet. I stutter as I answer and try to keep my breathing steady. She hates you, she thinks you’re incompetent. The Voice informs me. I try to block it out.
She sends me to the basement to retrieve something and tells me to be quick about it.
It takes me too long to find the light switch for the back part of the subterranean storage space. I finally loose it and drop to my knees on the dusty concrete floor; silently screaming into my hands and then banging my fists against my forehead as I fight against frustrated tears. I pull at my hair until the futility of it just makes me feel sick.
I stand and try to breathe. I search for the item in question. I find two similar things and I’m afraid to go up and ask which one it is she wanted. I decided to bring up both and get an irritated sigh when she tells me to take the other one back down.
I return and stand in the middle of the room waiting for my next assignment. I’m trying to stand perfectly still when Grace starts asking me why I seem to be having trouble today. The Little Voice in my head starts up again. You’re such an idiot, can’t you do anything right? God, maybe you should just -
Suddenly there’s a palm pressing between my shoulder blades. Amy is standing behind me and is pushing my shoulders back. With her other hand she pushes my chin up and then she looks at me and back at Grace.
Grace tilts her head at me and raises her eyebrows. I feel at once hot and cold all over. I’m crying and nodding but I can’t form words. It’s a realization that I’ve spent a lifetime staring at my feet. Grace tells me it’s going to be okay. She tells me that she wants me to succeed; she knows I can succeed.
I only work for Grace for a few more months before I move on but we stay friends. She becomes a mother figure in my life. She teaches me to respect myself among other things.
Years later and the Little Voice is still there. You’re beautiful, it says and this time it’s my turn to laugh. Oh hush, I whisper back. I start to smile a lot. Even on the tough days; especially on the tough days.
I tell a joke that makes my new coworkers laugh. Well aren’t you clever. I ask lots of questions. I get told I am a quick learner. I am always very aware of my shoulders and try to keep my head up. I never thank Amy for that moment of understanding. I hope she knows.
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*A quote by Martin Luther King Jr.