Holy crap. Last night I went out with the wife, our plans were dinner and a movie. We were finally going to see the Muppets.
So we get to the theater, and apparently the listing she looked up was wrong, Muppets isn't playing there anymore. We scan the movies that are playing, only two that I think seem OK are Sherlock Holmes or Mission Impossible, and I don't really WANT to see either of them. More DVD movies rather than paying $20 for them, ya know?
Anyway, she finally OK's Sherlock Holmes....sold out. Frustrated, I decide to let her pick.
We saw "New Years Eve".
This giant, stinky turd of a movie was....I don't even know. It's like 15 different stories, clumsily stringing a few of them together to form a movie I guess. The plot? Duh, it's New Years Eve. And in this big ol city they call New York, people celebrate it differently, you betcha!
I would be OK with watching a bad movie, but this one...it was like the HHH-Undertaker KOTR '02 of movies! The worst part is near the end, as all the stories are wrapping up, it's like they desperately want you to cry. The only problem is, rather than writing a script that allows you to enjoy a character and root for them, they'd just spend 90 minutes cutting back and forth between 15 people and spending 10 minutes(no exaggeration) on Bon Jovi and the ugly girl from Glee singing. Thankfully though, those songs were enough to make Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl(truly the Bogart and Bergman of our generation!) fall in love with them.
I won't spoil it for you, you'll have to figure out which person falls in love with which singer. Hint: YOU WON'T CARE.
Back to my point, I can actually picture the writers of this movie sitting in a room, trying to come up with what scene in movies makes people cry the most.
Babies being born? Young love experiencing heartbreak? A man on his deathbed? But not before being reunited with his daughter? (Played by Hillary Swank, who apparently looks like Halle Berry, since earlier in the movie the dying man spoke to Berry, thinking it was his daughter) A soldier in Iraq(I assume, but looked more like the dreaded GreenScreenistan) who can't be home for New Years, the one holiday you want to spend with loved ones more than ANY OTHER? Poor people getting money? A jaded, cynic letting down his guard and falling in love? A couple reuniting after life got in the way? Life that we can ALL sympathize with by the way, he's a famous rock star and she's a chef for the biggest party in all of New York. An animal being rescued from death? A woman who has lived "safe" for too long, finally taking some risks and making a friend out of it? A police officer whose job is to sit around in a skyscraper getting to spend New Years WITH HIS FAMILY?
Do any of these make you cry? Well you're in luck, because this movie literally has EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE THINGS.
And that's not even all of the "heartstring" moments.
Would you cry if the ball got stuck in Times Square? I WOULDN'T! I'd be enraged and call for the job of whoever is in charge of making the ball drop! Quite a career choice, by the way. But surely you'd weep if that person then magically appeared on every TV channel AND the giant screen on Times Square and gave a heartfelt speech about how New Years is not JUST about change, but reflection. It was at this moment that I reflected upon spending money on this movie, realized I deserved to be punished and stabbed myself with my car keys.
How about the guy who kissed a woman last New Years, and fell in love (TRUE love by the way), but instead of being with her, she wrote him a note and said, "If you are serious, meet me here NEXT New Years)? That would be great, right? BUT HE RUNS INTO PROBLEMS!
He crashed his car on his way to the city, but luckily, people who AREN'T from the big city of New York(where all of love is) got him there. Of course, they are all obese and horny and drive around in an RV. None of that is made up.
He made it...only the place he was at last year? IT'S GONE. As he slinks away, what's that sound? CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP!
Why, it's a horse drawn carriage coming down the COMPLETELY EMPTY NEW YORK CITY STREET JUST AFTER MIDNIGHT ON NEW YEARS! And who's that coming OUT of the horse drawn carriage? In a hilarious twist, it's ol' Horseface herself! That's right, Sarah Jessica Parker, who had spent the whole movie chasing her daughter around the city, but then saying, "That boy kissed someone else...go spend the rest of your New Years with him! Bye!"
Truly, this movie has it all. And if that's not enough, stick around for the WACKY BLOOPER REEL during the credits. Some of the funniest parts?
Halle Berry walking in, then laughing and walking out. Oh man! The theater was ROARING on that one! I was laughing so hard, I urinated all over 5 people!
But that's not all? How about when Robert Deniro said, "I wouldn't let you be my doctor!" to Cary Elwes because he had trouble picking up the clipboard? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, it's funny because Robert Deniro used to be a respected actor!
And then, there was the gag scene where Jessica Biel gave birth to not one, but TWO blu-ray copies of "Valentines Day"!!!
Suddenly I realized that there was ANOTHER movie just like this one. I can only imagine it's the exact same sort of thing, and as I pondered to myself, thinking that this movie was actually a SEQUEL of sorts, I realized something. God hates us all.
TL:DR-GO SEE NEW YEARS EVE, IN THEATERS EVERYWHERE!!!
I'll never know, because I'd rather be punched repeatedly in the testicles than watch another movie like that. Even my wife thought it was bad, and she loves crappy movies.
My wife caught about 10 minutes of Valentine's Day and turned it off, declaring it "the worst movie of all time." My wife LOVES crappy movies, so for her to give up on it, it really must suck.
I know Valentine's Day bombed and I can't imagine New Year's Eve did any better. Unfortunately, the movie studios will always make crap movies like this.
So we get to the theater, and apparently the listing she looked up was wrong, Muppets isn't playing there anymore. We scan the movies that are playing, only two that I think seem OK are Sherlock Holmes or Mission Impossible, and I don't really WANT to see either of them. More DVD movies rather than paying $20 for them, ya know?
Anyway, she finally OK's Sherlock Holmes....sold out. Frustrated, I decide to let her pick.
We saw "New Years Eve".
This giant, stinky turd of a movie was....I don't even know. It's like 15 different stories, clumsily stringing a few of them together to form a movie I guess. The plot? Duh, it's New Years Eve. And in this big ol city they call New York, people celebrate it differently, you betcha!
I would be OK with watching a bad movie, but this one...it was like the HHH-Undertaker KOTR '02 of movies! The worst part is near the end, as all the stories are wrapping up, it's like they desperately want you to cry. The only problem is, rather than writing a script that allows you to enjoy a character and root for them, they'd just spend 90 minutes cutting back and forth between 15 people and spending 10 minutes(no exaggeration) on Bon Jovi and the ugly girl from Glee singing. Thankfully though, those songs were enough to make Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl(truly the Bogart and Bergman of our generation!) fall in love with them.
I won't spoil it for you, you'll have to figure out which person falls in love with which singer. Hint: YOU WON'T CARE.
Back to my point, I can actually picture the writers of this movie sitting in a room, trying to come up with what scene in movies makes people cry the most.
Babies being born?
Young love experiencing heartbreak?
A man on his deathbed?
But not before being reunited with his daughter? (Played by Hillary Swank, who apparently looks like Halle Berry, since earlier in the movie the dying man spoke to Berry, thinking it was his daughter)
A soldier in Iraq(I assume, but looked more like the dreaded GreenScreenistan) who can't be home for New Years, the one holiday you want to spend with loved ones more than ANY OTHER?
Poor people getting money?
A jaded, cynic letting down his guard and falling in love?
A couple reuniting after life got in the way? Life that we can ALL sympathize with by the way, he's a famous rock star and she's a chef for the biggest party in all of New York.
An animal being rescued from death?
A woman who has lived "safe" for too long, finally taking some risks and making a friend out of it?
A police officer whose job is to sit around in a skyscraper getting to spend New Years WITH HIS FAMILY?
Do any of these make you cry? Well you're in luck, because this movie literally has EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE THINGS.
And that's not even all of the "heartstring" moments.
Would you cry if the ball got stuck in Times Square? I WOULDN'T! I'd be enraged and call for the job of whoever is in charge of making the ball drop! Quite a career choice, by the way. But surely you'd weep if that person then magically appeared on every TV channel AND the giant screen on Times Square and gave a heartfelt speech about how New Years is not JUST about change, but reflection. It was at this moment that I reflected upon spending money on this movie, realized I deserved to be punished and stabbed myself with my car keys.
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He crashed his car on his way to the city, but luckily, people who AREN'T from the big city of New York(where all of love is) got him there. Of course, they are all obese and horny and drive around in an RV. None of that is made up.
He made it...only the place he was at last year? IT'S GONE. As he slinks away, what's that sound? CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP!
Why, it's a horse drawn carriage coming down the COMPLETELY EMPTY NEW YORK CITY STREET JUST AFTER MIDNIGHT ON NEW YEARS! And who's that coming OUT of the horse drawn carriage? In a hilarious twist, it's ol' Horseface herself! That's right, Sarah Jessica Parker, who had spent the whole movie chasing her daughter around the city, but then saying, "That boy kissed someone else...go spend the rest of your New Years with him! Bye!"
Truly, this movie has it all. And if that's not enough, stick around for the WACKY BLOOPER REEL during the credits. Some of the funniest parts?
Halle Berry walking in, then laughing and walking out. Oh man! The theater was ROARING on that one! I was laughing so hard, I urinated all over 5 people!
But that's not all? How about when Robert Deniro said, "I wouldn't let you be my doctor!" to Cary Elwes because he had trouble picking up the clipboard? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, it's funny because Robert Deniro used to be a respected actor!
And then, there was the gag scene where Jessica Biel gave birth to not one, but TWO blu-ray copies of "Valentines Day"!!!
Suddenly I realized that there was ANOTHER movie just like this one. I can only imagine it's the exact same sort of thing, and as I pondered to myself, thinking that this movie was actually a SEQUEL of sorts, I realized something. God hates us all.
TL:DR-GO SEE NEW YEARS EVE, IN THEATERS EVERYWHERE!!!
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Definitely a WELPie nominee right there.
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