Feeling hopeless
Everything's falling apart. Things are so awful right now, it isn't even seeming real. I don't know how to get things back on track from here. I'm terrified of losing everything.
In late June, my car broke down. It's the engine rods that broke, two of them, so it was trashed. The only good thing is the car lot forgave the remaining $800 we owed by letting them tow it back to them. That leaves me driving my in-laws' minivan, which uses about twice as much gas as my old Saturn did. In preparing for the county 4-H fair, we spent about a week at the Charlestown Library. I kept my purse with me religiously, except on the last day when I left it meticulously locked in the van because I was having a stress-induced bipolar meltdown that day and was going to go back home and just pick up Mom, Jenny, and Autumn at closing time. I was in there for about 15 minutes when someone came in and said I had a broken window. Some young girls broke the middle window on the driver's side to hide themselves, reached up and unlocked the driver's side door, reached over, and stole my purse. My phon, bank card, and camera were in my pocket, but I lost a lot, including $45, Farrah's birthday card, 10 $45-apiece tickets I was supposed to sell for a fundraiser (those are numbered and forgiven, thank God), the antique book Ben gave me for my birthday, all new makeup from my 10-year high school reunion, and 2/3 of the vacation trip pictures from Myrtle Beach last year. There was other stuff too, but these were most upsetting. I still cry at night because of the pictures even though Ben tells me we'll go on more vacations and that I should be glad to just have the memories. The police wouldn't call in their guy to dust for prints because it wasn't a big enough crime. He didn't even give me a report number. Librarians told me this was the fourth recent break-in theft, and during the fair the next week, some kids almost did it again. The officer was stumped because they took the object they broke my window with with them. He wouldn't look into my claim of some girls at the computer next to me laughing and cursing and taking off right before it happened. I'm not sure what he thought about the witnesses he interviewed. A lot of other people said they saw it happen and could not tell me a single detail- young, old, male, female... I drove the van with tape and plastic covering I had to re-affix daily due to heat and humidity for about 3 weeks until I helped Ben and my father-in-law install a replacement, since I had an appointment a few days after it happened, but the glass was no longer made. When Rusty gets back from Florida, I need to use his Shop Vac to get the glass out. The seat closest to that window is covered in broken safety glass.
I was thinking my state fair money I'll start making next week could be put toward getting something cheap to drive and a new purse. More importantly, I need to see a doctor, where I've been freaking out more and more lately. I don't really want to leave the house anymore, and I sit here scared and brooding all the time almost. The air conditioner needs fixed and we haven't had the $60 to have it serviced/fixed. I still need to get Farrah in to be examined by the doctor and dentist for school. I need to get Autumn the required supplies. I can't do any of that. Two days ago, the ongoing lawsuit between Ben's store and the protestors backed by the county (they think an adult store should not be allowed to be open) ruled against the store, so he said they could probably stay open during the at least month-long appeals process. Yesterday he told me that wasn't the case. They watched an empty store, and today an alarm system is being put in. We could relocate to a Missouri branch, but we're taking the severance, which seems wiser and may cover two months of pay. That said, he is going to be unemployed, and we have no bubble here. The rent is due, as well as student loans, his car payment, other bills. My parents are going to be angry at US over this, even though I won't be getting money from them. It will come down to me being stupid for marrying him, which I never have believed and never will.
I've been trying to put together a resume so we can both try to get jobs and whoever does best keeps it, but that's confusing and disheartening. I have almost no work history. I work for a month a year. I tried putting on the volunteering to close the gaps as suggested, but now it's over a page long. I have no clue what I'm doing and I'm pretty sure my degree is useless to me. No one will be interested in someone with no experience unless it's a job I'm unable to do. The government's state website to help me figure this out is confusing to me, so I need to find time to go to their offices in Jeff, I think. We need to file for unemployment. Just when I think things couldn't get worse, they do. I can't stop this stupid, ineffective crying. If I could stand to eat, I'd be sick right now. There's only so much to be done. Unemployment would take awhile to set in, and his family can't just carry us. Starting next week I won't be home to clean and help get things rolling. He's submitting applications already, but I'm so worried about this. I just don't know what to do anymore.