Seth MacFarlane Harvard Speech
Back in 2006, Seth MacFarlane gave a speech to the Harvard '06 graduates that was quite hilarious... So here's the transcript. Hope you all enjoy it!
(Please keep in mind that on this day, it was absolutely pouring outside, so take that fact into account when reading Seth's first joke. ^_^)
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Aaron Chadbourne: Please welcome Seth Macfarlane!
(cheering)
Seth: Thank you very much. Boy, I’ll tell ya, there’s… nowhere I’d rather be on a day like this then around all this electrical equipment.
(Laughter. Seth laughs.)
Seth: Good afternoon, distinguished academics. My name is Seth MacFarlane. Uh, for those of you who recognize me, I’d like to say; Mom, Dad, Harris, thanks for coming, (laughter) but please wait in the car.
Now I know that many of you know me only for my voice, and it may be a bit jarring to see me speak in person. You’re thinking to yourself, “Boy, it’s strange to hear that voice coming out of that face.” And in that sense, I’m a lot like Celine Dion. (laughter). I’m not calling her silly-looking, but if you meet her in person, I’ll give you a dollar if you can find her nose. (Laughter.)
(Seth chuckles.)
To tell the truth, I don’t even know why you guys invited me here. I mean, this is-this is Harvard, this is the most prestigious college in the world. I went to the Rhode Island School of Design. An art school whose only athletic institution is a hockey team called ‘The Nads’. (Laughter.) The mascot is a giant penis named ‘Scroty.’ (Laughter.) Go to a game, I swear to God, I’m not making that up. (Laughter.) Harvard has created brilliant throngs of doctors, lawyers, authors, scientists… I created a TV show where a Vaudeville-era barbershop quartette sings a song about AIDS. (Laughter) Your grandchildren will boast impressive salaries and trust funds. My grandchildren will owe money to the FCC. (Laughter.) But one thing we do have in common is the glittering jewel that is New England. Like many of you, I hail from this great region-Connecticut to be precise. (Cheering.) And while I treasure my formative years in the land of (in a Jersey accent) chowda, lobsta, and gonorrhea… (Laughter) That’s… that’s two STD jokes in the first five minutes, I should have proofread this thing! (Laughter.) (Seth chuckles.) I am here to tell you about the place I live now-the real world. There’s no dress rehearsal, no take-home tests, no rough drafts. If you unconstitutionally wiretap people’s phones, you will be taken down. If you shoot someone in the face with a shotgun, you’ll reap the consequences. If you illegally invade a sovereign nation to secure oil interests and assuage a personal vendetta, you’ll be reelected. (Laughing, cheering.) But I’m not here to bludgeon you with my political beliefs; I’m not here to slam current, former and undeserving celebrities. No, I’m here because I have great love and respect for this fine establishment. You see, it was always a fantasy-no, a fetish-of mine to be a Harvard student. (Laughter) So, for the last four years, I have secretly been living amongst you. (Laughter.) Eating in your dining halls, attending your classes, sleeping with your women… (Laughter)… and in a tragic case of miscommunication, sleeping with Laurence Summers. (Laughter) Although, God bless him, the man has the hands of a prison doctor. (Laughter & loud cheering, Seth tries hard not to laugh.) And what I’ve learned from my undercover expedition into your tributary civilization of advanced physics, law, biology, business, economics, and weed-(Laughter)-I know, it seems odd that that would be a major, but it’s, uh, it’s actually very interesting. Classes are held at Cabot House… (Loud cheering from what I can only assume is the Cabot House…) (In a surfer dude voice) Dude, we live there, man! That’s our house! (Laughter and cheering) That’s what you sound like. (Laughter) What I have learned is that you like Family Guy. So I can stand up here and drone on for the next fifteen minutes, but I know that’s not what you want. You’re like my mother in that you don’t want to hear from me; you just want to hear the voices. (Laughter) So, I’d like to turn things over to my colleague from TV Land to offer you his perspective on your progress.
(Assumes the voice of Peter Griffin.)
Greetings, citizens of Harvard! (Laughter and cheering.) As I look out on this sea of Black-Asian faces, (Laughter) I think to myself one thought: “Take that, Hitler! ‘Cause we won! Yeah!” (Laughter) Harvard is, pound for pound, the smartest of all your freakin’ schools. In fact, I hope one day, my son Chris will go to Harvard! Okay, you know what, I’m just jackin’ myself off there, but, you know, maybe one of my kids! I mean… Meg’s got the look of a Harvard gal, but I’m not sure she’s got the uh… (Laughing and loud chorus’s of “Oooooh”s. Seth looks slightly surprised at this.) … not sure she’s got the brains goin’ on. She’d probably do better at one o’ those real lesbian colleges like Smith or Yale. (Laughter) Now I know all o’ you stuffier types are probably thinkin’, “Who the hell does Peter Griffin think he is, preachin’ to us? He didn’t even finish college!” Well, I can drink a case of Budweiser in 10 minutes flat. So stuff it up your Dockers, Mr. Wadsworth Douchington the Fifth! (Laughter) But the rest of you seem like stand-up guys and girls… And tomorrow, you smart kids are gonna be sittin’ there in your cool caps and gowns lookin’ like that owl on the Wise potato chip bags. (Laughter) I see you out there, thinkin’, ponderin’, pontificatin’… usin’ words likes “Centrifuge”, “fuselage”, and “MSNBC.” (Laughter) You remind me of many of the smart young people I know! Dougie Howser, Malcom in the Middle, and Donnatello of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (Laughter) And we need more smart people like you, ya know? I mean, I get into my car every morning, and, and I think… “How does my car work? What makes it move? I get in this thing and it just goes? How the hell does that happen?” I don’t understand! But you guys do (Laughter)-and for that, I walk in your fucking shadow. (Laughter) The next wave of great inventions is gonna come from you guys! I mean how many times have you said, “I’d like some cheese right now!” And before smart people came along, you hadda wait for a cow to die and rot in the sun, or somethin’… But now (claps) bam! Aerosol cheese! (Laughter) Cheese that sprays outta, like a, paint can, ya know? Whoever invented spray cheese had to have been a Harvard guy! Or let’s say you see a commercial for one o’ them Soloflex things, and you wanna order one so you can get in shape, even though everybody says you gotta be gay to have a Soloflex, but I don’t think you gotta be gay to have a Soloflex. So you run and, uh, get a pencil to, uh, write down the phone number and you trip and fall and hurt your knee! Well before smart people came along, you had to sit there in pain just going, “Sssssss… aahhhh….” (Laughter) “Ssssss…. aahhhh….” (Laughter) But now? Band-Aids. (Laughter) Had to be a Harvard guy.
You know, I never stood in front of so many smart people before. Who knows? Sittin’ out there in that audience may be a future president of the United States. And when he’s elected you’ll say, “That guy? Barry? The guy who walked down the hallway freshman year with his nuts hangin’ out?! He’s the president now? The guy who crapped his pants at the Fly Club? (Laughter) And he didn’t even go home after that? He sat there and had four more beers?! Then he went home from that-he went home with that chick from Amherst? The guy who passed out in the showers and then we wrote all over his face with Magic Marker? And he walked around for two days with the faded word ‘Douche bag’ written on his forehead and had no idea? I used to pee in that guy’s shampoo bottle! (Laughter) And now he’s President?! The American people just elected President Pee-Head?” Well at least you guys’ll have the goods on him. You can call him up and say, “Hey, President Pee-Head! I peed in your shampoo! So make me secretary of something.” And it’ll turn out that peein’ in some guy’s shampoo bottle was the best career move you ever made. (Laughter) That’s how life works sometimes! I like to think there are no dumb ideas.
Well, listen, as smart as you kids are, don’t get too high and mighty. Because I happen to know a certain sandy-haired janitor who’s smarter than all o’ you put together! That’s right! The guy who solved that math problem was a janitor! We all know what that got him! A date with Minnie Driver and that big Easter-Island head of hers. Yeah, Minnie! I said it! Let me put it this way-you like apples? Well your face is freakishly big for your head-how d’ya like those apples? (Laughter) Man that movie sucked…
So I know most of you will be shipping off to fight the war in Iraq… (Laughter) and others will be doing missionary work in Africa. But remember, some of you, that Wall Street is still an option. Don’t rule it out, because it is a noble profession. Goldman Sachs needs people too. And here’s a tip for you-digital. Just think about that. The future is going digital! (Laughter) I dunno what that means, but just remember who told that to you! (Laughter)
Well that’s about it for me, ‘cause I gotta run… TBS is showin’ that episode of “Different Strokes” where Arnold and Dudley get inappropriately touched by that guy from WKFB in Cincinnati… so I’m gonna pass it over to Stewie, but uh… (Cheering.) … Lemme leave you with this piece of advice. It’s a very simple piece of advice, and each person here will interpret it in their own way… and it is this: Hehehehehehe…. (Laughter) Good day to you! (Laughter and cheering.)
(Takes a drink of water, and assumes the voice of Stewie Griffin.)
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! (Loud cheering.) It is indeed an honor to address the denizens of the hallowed grounds of Harvard. Where boys can be boys, girls can be girls… and those in-between can create student groups to feel better about their lack of romantic options. (Laughter) So! It’s one day before graduation. That’s one more night to get that roommate to kill himself so you can get straight A’s. (Laughter) You might want to remind him how he never got laid, and how these were the best years. Tap him on the shoulder and remind him that his parents didn’t come today, and if worse comes to worse, push him out the goddamn window. (Laughter) Now I may not be the hippest cat in the world, but I do know something about the way you college students think. And I know who your heroes are. And at the top of that list is a fellow who you regard as the very epitome of the cutting edge of cool. The trends that he sets, you follow without question, and when he opens his mouth, you young people take it as gospel. Of course I am talking about your precious paragon of current popular culture, the Fonz. (Laughter) Well, let me tell you this. He doesn’t know everything! He drives a motorcycle, which is incredibly dangerous. He wears his trousers too tight-which inhibits sperm production-and friends, if you hit a jukebox with your fist, you’re just going to break it. So, suffice it to say, I know how your minds work. And I know what you’re thinking on this day of your advancement into adulthood. You’re wondering to yourselves, “What can I expect from the outside world? Will I find my nitch? What should I know about the vast territory that lies beyond the confines of my little subculture of textbooks, ramen noodles, coin-operated laundry, and TV shows that seem to think they can skate by with random jokes about giant chickens that have absolutely nothing to do with the overall narrative? (Laughter) The boys at South Park are absolutely correct-those cut-aways and flashbacks have nothing to do with the story! They’re just there to be “funny”! That is a shallow indulgence that South Park is quite above, and for that I salute them. (Laughter) But to my point-what is out there? Well I can’t tell you all the correct paths to traverse, but I can tell you some things to avoid.
Number one: don’t get a tattoo of a Chinese character on your fanny if you don’t understand the language. (Laughter) Tattoo removal services are making a killing off of people’s stupidity, because Little Miss Individuality walks into the tattoo parlor and gets an Asian symbol she thinks means “spiritual woman” but that she later finds out means “sugar substitute.” (Laughter)
Number two! Don’t be taken in by idiotic popular songs that profess to be deeper than they are. Last year, Gwen Stefani released a little ditty entitled, (scathingly) “Hollaback Girl”. A few weeks later, she was asked during an interview, “What does Hollaback girl mean?” to which she replied, “What do you think it means?” So, apparently, each one of us is invited to create our own translation for what she is saying to us. My translation is: “Hey, Stewie! It’s Gwen. Would you please send me a bird flu sandwich?” (Laughter)
Number three: stay away from the church! In the battle over science vs. religion, science offers credible evidence for all the serious claims it makes. The church says; “Oh, it’s right here in this book! See? The one written by people who thought the sun was magic?” I, for one, would like to see some proof that there is a God. And if you say, “A baby’s smile”, I’m gonna kick you right in the stomach. (Laughter)
Number four: Always have at least one friend who’s a Jew. (Laughter… Seth pauses, slightly.
Number five… (Loud laughter) Do not create a television series about a group of people who crash-land on an island if you don’t know where you’re going with it! (Laughter) Don’t just make it up as you go along, because if you do, it’s going to start sucking very quickly! I’m talking, of course, about Desperate Housewives, which is just awful. Terri Hatcher, you’re a beautiful woman, but please grow old gracefully and without the facial work. You’re not allowed to have an exoskeleton unless you’re a beetle. (Laughter)
Number six: If you ever fall into a deep depression and nothing can cheer you up, don’t give up hope! Just remember that the man who played Mr. Belvedere once sat on his own balls and had to be rushed to the hospital, which is absolutely hilarious. (Laughter)
Number seven: Do not get into politics in Florida because you might accidentally run into Catherine Harris. This is a woman who could stand next to Hitler and people would say, “Who’s the bitch?” (Laughter)
Number eight: Do not wear a wool cap indoors in the middle of the summer unless you are either a douche bag or Colin Ferrell. (Laughter) Yes, Colin, I see you there with your wool cap! What’cha got goin’ on under that wool cap, hmm? Thinkin’ ‘bout your sideburns? (Laughter) Oh! It looks like you’ve got a little rip in your jeans, there, too! Yeah, that’s rebellious! (Laughter) Yeah, you’re a bad boy! Society wants those jeans to be intact, but you’ll have none of it, will you? (Laughter)
But you know, looking out there into the audience, I see so many bright young faces. Poised and ready to thrust themselves into the very hearts of America’s political and financial institutions, and seize control of the levers of power at any cost. Some would call you elitist, over-privileged, and preening with a snotty sense of entitlement. I call you my base. (Laughter) Ah, I can see by the looks on your faces that some of you disagree with me. You think you can hold onto those lofty visions of a life of nobility? Still have you ideals, do you? Gonna make that big brain of yours to make a difference? (Voice goes slightly higher.) Gonna make the world a better place? (Laughter) Be an agent for change? (Slightly higher…) Volunteer? (Voice continues to get progressively higher…) Gonna get a job in the public sector? Sacrifice the big bucks, ‘cause that doesn’t matter to you? Maybe spend a few years in the Peace Corp? Save the whales maybe? Maybe join the Environmental Defense Council? (Voice is now squeaky and ridiculously high.) Recycle? (Laughter) Gonna go and… clean up … a few rivers like JFK Jr? Donate a tree? Volunteer for legal aid for the underprivileged? (Laughter) Go to Africa? (Voice goes completely back to normal.) No, you’re gonna sell out. (Laughter)
And now, brave graduates, I shall pass the vocal baton onto our final speaker.
(Assumes the voice of Quagmire.)
Gentlemen and co-eds! (Laughter and cheering.) I would like to wish you all a good giggity, (Laughter) and to tell you it is an honor to be standing before you today at this fine establishment. I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment being here because I’ve banged chicks in every school in the Ivy League except for Harvard! (Laughter) You are, by far, the toughest to get into. (Loud laughter, cheering.) I’ll keep my remarks brief today, because I’m meeting two women and an animal handler at Hong Kong’s in about 20 minutes. Heh-alright! (Laughter) Last time I was here, I had sex with a woman at the New England aquarium, where it’s fun to find out! In fact, when I come to Boston, I sleep with a different woman every night of the week! Except Wednesday. Because in Boston’s historic northland Wednesday, is print spaghetti day.
I respect education. And I draw in deep inspiration from the classics. As my favorite poet, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, once said, “It’s gonna tempt your tummy with a taste of nuts and honey… It’s a honey of an ‘O’… it’s Honey Nut Cheerios.” (Laughter) And, if I may, I would like to paraphrase Dickens, but instead of Christmas traditions, I am speaking today of vaginas when I say, “They have never put one scrap of gold in my pocket, but they bring a smile to my face, so therefore, I declare them good.” (Laughter)
If there is one message I can leave you with this afternoon, it is this: Although you are graduating, and moving onto those uncharted new frontiers of adult life, never leave behind that sense of experimentation, that bare-backed sense of adventure and openness, stay young, keep looking at the world with a sense of wide-legged wonder… Giggity-giggity and good luck to you all. Thank you very much!
(Loud cheering and clapping.)
Aaron Chadbourne: Hi, I’m Aaron Chadbourne, Class Marshal from Lole House…
Christina Adams: And I’m Christina Adams, the class marshal from Quincy House. (Cheering.) On behalf of the class of 2006, it is our pleasure to thank you, Seth Macfarlane, for your insightful and incredibly entertaining remarks.
Aaron Chadbourne: You may not realize it now, but it seems somehow appropriate to have had you as our class-day speaker today. For many members of our class, it was your humor and Stewie’s … wisdom…that helped get us through four otherwise serious years at Harvard.
Christina Adams: We consider it a privilege you were here to address the class of 2006, on this day celebrating the culmination of our Harvard experience.
Aaron Chadbourne: In honor to commemorate your first visit to Harvard in order to join our class, the Senior Class Marshals and all the Senior Class committee have decided to bestow upon you what we consider to be the greatest honor that any individual can achieve at Harvard or in the world: Honorary membership in the class of 2006!
(Loud cheering and clapping. Seth laughs and claps enthusiastically.)
Christina Adams: We are fortunate and honored to have you among us. In addition to this certificate, we would like to present you with what, for many of us, practically became a uniform during exam periods.
(Aaron Chadbourne pulls out a red Harvard sweater with the words “Harvard: 2006” written on the front.)
(Cheering, clapping. Seth comes up to the podium, shakes hands, and accepts the gifts.)
Aaron Chadbourne: Let’s hear it one more time for Seth MacFarlane!
(Loud cheering and clapping.)
(Please keep in mind that on this day, it was absolutely pouring outside, so take that fact into account when reading Seth's first joke. ^_^)
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Aaron Chadbourne: Please welcome Seth Macfarlane!
(cheering)
Seth: Thank you very much. Boy, I’ll tell ya, there’s… nowhere I’d rather be on a day like this then around all this electrical equipment.
(Laughter. Seth laughs.)
Seth: Good afternoon, distinguished academics. My name is Seth MacFarlane. Uh, for those of you who recognize me, I’d like to say; Mom, Dad, Harris, thanks for coming, (laughter) but please wait in the car.
Now I know that many of you know me only for my voice, and it may be a bit jarring to see me speak in person. You’re thinking to yourself, “Boy, it’s strange to hear that voice coming out of that face.” And in that sense, I’m a lot like Celine Dion. (laughter). I’m not calling her silly-looking, but if you meet her in person, I’ll give you a dollar if you can find her nose. (Laughter.)
(Seth chuckles.)
To tell the truth, I don’t even know why you guys invited me here. I mean, this is-this is Harvard, this is the most prestigious college in the world. I went to the Rhode Island School of Design. An art school whose only athletic institution is a hockey team called ‘The Nads’. (Laughter.) The mascot is a giant penis named ‘Scroty.’ (Laughter.) Go to a game, I swear to God, I’m not making that up. (Laughter.) Harvard has created brilliant throngs of doctors, lawyers, authors, scientists… I created a TV show where a Vaudeville-era barbershop quartette sings a song about AIDS. (Laughter) Your grandchildren will boast impressive salaries and trust funds. My grandchildren will owe money to the FCC. (Laughter.) But one thing we do have in common is the glittering jewel that is New England. Like many of you, I hail from this great region-Connecticut to be precise. (Cheering.) And while I treasure my formative years in the land of (in a Jersey accent) chowda, lobsta, and gonorrhea… (Laughter) That’s… that’s two STD jokes in the first five minutes, I should have proofread this thing! (Laughter.) (Seth chuckles.) I am here to tell you about the place I live now-the real world. There’s no dress rehearsal, no take-home tests, no rough drafts. If you unconstitutionally wiretap people’s phones, you will be taken down. If you shoot someone in the face with a shotgun, you’ll reap the consequences. If you illegally invade a sovereign nation to secure oil interests and assuage a personal vendetta, you’ll be reelected. (Laughing, cheering.) But I’m not here to bludgeon you with my political beliefs; I’m not here to slam current, former and undeserving celebrities. No, I’m here because I have great love and respect for this fine establishment. You see, it was always a fantasy-no, a fetish-of mine to be a Harvard student. (Laughter) So, for the last four years, I have secretly been living amongst you. (Laughter.) Eating in your dining halls, attending your classes, sleeping with your women… (Laughter)… and in a tragic case of miscommunication, sleeping with Laurence Summers. (Laughter) Although, God bless him, the man has the hands of a prison doctor. (Laughter & loud cheering, Seth tries hard not to laugh.) And what I’ve learned from my undercover expedition into your tributary civilization of advanced physics, law, biology, business, economics, and weed-(Laughter)-I know, it seems odd that that would be a major, but it’s, uh, it’s actually very interesting. Classes are held at Cabot House… (Loud cheering from what I can only assume is the Cabot House…) (In a surfer dude voice) Dude, we live there, man! That’s our house! (Laughter and cheering) That’s what you sound like. (Laughter) What I have learned is that you like Family Guy. So I can stand up here and drone on for the next fifteen minutes, but I know that’s not what you want. You’re like my mother in that you don’t want to hear from me; you just want to hear the voices. (Laughter) So, I’d like to turn things over to my colleague from TV Land to offer you his perspective on your progress.
(Assumes the voice of Peter Griffin.)
Greetings, citizens of Harvard! (Laughter and cheering.) As I look out on this sea of Black-Asian faces, (Laughter) I think to myself one thought: “Take that, Hitler! ‘Cause we won! Yeah!” (Laughter) Harvard is, pound for pound, the smartest of all your freakin’ schools. In fact, I hope one day, my son Chris will go to Harvard! Okay, you know what, I’m just jackin’ myself off there, but, you know, maybe one of my kids! I mean… Meg’s got the look of a Harvard gal, but I’m not sure she’s got the uh… (Laughing and loud chorus’s of “Oooooh”s. Seth looks slightly surprised at this.) … not sure she’s got the brains goin’ on. She’d probably do better at one o’ those real lesbian colleges like Smith or Yale. (Laughter) Now I know all o’ you stuffier types are probably thinkin’, “Who the hell does Peter Griffin think he is, preachin’ to us? He didn’t even finish college!” Well, I can drink a case of Budweiser in 10 minutes flat. So stuff it up your Dockers, Mr. Wadsworth Douchington the Fifth! (Laughter) But the rest of you seem like stand-up guys and girls… And tomorrow, you smart kids are gonna be sittin’ there in your cool caps and gowns lookin’ like that owl on the Wise potato chip bags. (Laughter) I see you out there, thinkin’, ponderin’, pontificatin’… usin’ words likes “Centrifuge”, “fuselage”, and “MSNBC.” (Laughter) You remind me of many of the smart young people I know! Dougie Howser, Malcom in the Middle, and Donnatello of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (Laughter) And we need more smart people like you, ya know? I mean, I get into my car every morning, and, and I think… “How does my car work? What makes it move? I get in this thing and it just goes? How the hell does that happen?” I don’t understand! But you guys do (Laughter)-and for that, I walk in your fucking shadow. (Laughter) The next wave of great inventions is gonna come from you guys! I mean how many times have you said, “I’d like some cheese right now!” And before smart people came along, you hadda wait for a cow to die and rot in the sun, or somethin’… But now (claps) bam! Aerosol cheese! (Laughter) Cheese that sprays outta, like a, paint can, ya know? Whoever invented spray cheese had to have been a Harvard guy! Or let’s say you see a commercial for one o’ them Soloflex things, and you wanna order one so you can get in shape, even though everybody says you gotta be gay to have a Soloflex, but I don’t think you gotta be gay to have a Soloflex. So you run and, uh, get a pencil to, uh, write down the phone number and you trip and fall and hurt your knee! Well before smart people came along, you had to sit there in pain just going, “Sssssss… aahhhh….” (Laughter) “Ssssss…. aahhhh….” (Laughter) But now? Band-Aids. (Laughter) Had to be a Harvard guy.
You know, I never stood in front of so many smart people before. Who knows? Sittin’ out there in that audience may be a future president of the United States. And when he’s elected you’ll say, “That guy? Barry? The guy who walked down the hallway freshman year with his nuts hangin’ out?! He’s the president now? The guy who crapped his pants at the Fly Club? (Laughter) And he didn’t even go home after that? He sat there and had four more beers?! Then he went home from that-he went home with that chick from Amherst? The guy who passed out in the showers and then we wrote all over his face with Magic Marker? And he walked around for two days with the faded word ‘Douche bag’ written on his forehead and had no idea? I used to pee in that guy’s shampoo bottle! (Laughter) And now he’s President?! The American people just elected President Pee-Head?” Well at least you guys’ll have the goods on him. You can call him up and say, “Hey, President Pee-Head! I peed in your shampoo! So make me secretary of something.” And it’ll turn out that peein’ in some guy’s shampoo bottle was the best career move you ever made. (Laughter) That’s how life works sometimes! I like to think there are no dumb ideas.
Well, listen, as smart as you kids are, don’t get too high and mighty. Because I happen to know a certain sandy-haired janitor who’s smarter than all o’ you put together! That’s right! The guy who solved that math problem was a janitor! We all know what that got him! A date with Minnie Driver and that big Easter-Island head of hers. Yeah, Minnie! I said it! Let me put it this way-you like apples? Well your face is freakishly big for your head-how d’ya like those apples? (Laughter) Man that movie sucked…
So I know most of you will be shipping off to fight the war in Iraq… (Laughter) and others will be doing missionary work in Africa. But remember, some of you, that Wall Street is still an option. Don’t rule it out, because it is a noble profession. Goldman Sachs needs people too. And here’s a tip for you-digital. Just think about that. The future is going digital! (Laughter) I dunno what that means, but just remember who told that to you! (Laughter)
Well that’s about it for me, ‘cause I gotta run… TBS is showin’ that episode of “Different Strokes” where Arnold and Dudley get inappropriately touched by that guy from WKFB in Cincinnati… so I’m gonna pass it over to Stewie, but uh… (Cheering.) … Lemme leave you with this piece of advice. It’s a very simple piece of advice, and each person here will interpret it in their own way… and it is this: Hehehehehehe…. (Laughter) Good day to you! (Laughter and cheering.)
(Takes a drink of water, and assumes the voice of Stewie Griffin.)
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! (Loud cheering.) It is indeed an honor to address the denizens of the hallowed grounds of Harvard. Where boys can be boys, girls can be girls… and those in-between can create student groups to feel better about their lack of romantic options. (Laughter) So! It’s one day before graduation. That’s one more night to get that roommate to kill himself so you can get straight A’s. (Laughter) You might want to remind him how he never got laid, and how these were the best years. Tap him on the shoulder and remind him that his parents didn’t come today, and if worse comes to worse, push him out the goddamn window. (Laughter) Now I may not be the hippest cat in the world, but I do know something about the way you college students think. And I know who your heroes are. And at the top of that list is a fellow who you regard as the very epitome of the cutting edge of cool. The trends that he sets, you follow without question, and when he opens his mouth, you young people take it as gospel. Of course I am talking about your precious paragon of current popular culture, the Fonz. (Laughter) Well, let me tell you this. He doesn’t know everything! He drives a motorcycle, which is incredibly dangerous. He wears his trousers too tight-which inhibits sperm production-and friends, if you hit a jukebox with your fist, you’re just going to break it. So, suffice it to say, I know how your minds work. And I know what you’re thinking on this day of your advancement into adulthood. You’re wondering to yourselves, “What can I expect from the outside world? Will I find my nitch? What should I know about the vast territory that lies beyond the confines of my little subculture of textbooks, ramen noodles, coin-operated laundry, and TV shows that seem to think they can skate by with random jokes about giant chickens that have absolutely nothing to do with the overall narrative? (Laughter) The boys at South Park are absolutely correct-those cut-aways and flashbacks have nothing to do with the story! They’re just there to be “funny”! That is a shallow indulgence that South Park is quite above, and for that I salute them. (Laughter) But to my point-what is out there? Well I can’t tell you all the correct paths to traverse, but I can tell you some things to avoid.
Number one: don’t get a tattoo of a Chinese character on your fanny if you don’t understand the language. (Laughter) Tattoo removal services are making a killing off of people’s stupidity, because Little Miss Individuality walks into the tattoo parlor and gets an Asian symbol she thinks means “spiritual woman” but that she later finds out means “sugar substitute.” (Laughter)
Number two! Don’t be taken in by idiotic popular songs that profess to be deeper than they are. Last year, Gwen Stefani released a little ditty entitled, (scathingly) “Hollaback Girl”. A few weeks later, she was asked during an interview, “What does Hollaback girl mean?” to which she replied, “What do you think it means?” So, apparently, each one of us is invited to create our own translation for what she is saying to us. My translation is: “Hey, Stewie! It’s Gwen. Would you please send me a bird flu sandwich?” (Laughter)
Number three: stay away from the church! In the battle over science vs. religion, science offers credible evidence for all the serious claims it makes. The church says; “Oh, it’s right here in this book! See? The one written by people who thought the sun was magic?” I, for one, would like to see some proof that there is a God. And if you say, “A baby’s smile”, I’m gonna kick you right in the stomach. (Laughter)
Number four: Always have at least one friend who’s a Jew. (Laughter… Seth pauses, slightly.
Number five… (Loud laughter) Do not create a television series about a group of people who crash-land on an island if you don’t know where you’re going with it! (Laughter) Don’t just make it up as you go along, because if you do, it’s going to start sucking very quickly! I’m talking, of course, about Desperate Housewives, which is just awful. Terri Hatcher, you’re a beautiful woman, but please grow old gracefully and without the facial work. You’re not allowed to have an exoskeleton unless you’re a beetle. (Laughter)
Number six: If you ever fall into a deep depression and nothing can cheer you up, don’t give up hope! Just remember that the man who played Mr. Belvedere once sat on his own balls and had to be rushed to the hospital, which is absolutely hilarious. (Laughter)
Number seven: Do not get into politics in Florida because you might accidentally run into Catherine Harris. This is a woman who could stand next to Hitler and people would say, “Who’s the bitch?” (Laughter)
Number eight: Do not wear a wool cap indoors in the middle of the summer unless you are either a douche bag or Colin Ferrell. (Laughter) Yes, Colin, I see you there with your wool cap! What’cha got goin’ on under that wool cap, hmm? Thinkin’ ‘bout your sideburns? (Laughter) Oh! It looks like you’ve got a little rip in your jeans, there, too! Yeah, that’s rebellious! (Laughter) Yeah, you’re a bad boy! Society wants those jeans to be intact, but you’ll have none of it, will you? (Laughter)
But you know, looking out there into the audience, I see so many bright young faces. Poised and ready to thrust themselves into the very hearts of America’s political and financial institutions, and seize control of the levers of power at any cost. Some would call you elitist, over-privileged, and preening with a snotty sense of entitlement. I call you my base. (Laughter) Ah, I can see by the looks on your faces that some of you disagree with me. You think you can hold onto those lofty visions of a life of nobility? Still have you ideals, do you? Gonna make that big brain of yours to make a difference? (Voice goes slightly higher.) Gonna make the world a better place? (Laughter) Be an agent for change? (Slightly higher…) Volunteer? (Voice continues to get progressively higher…) Gonna get a job in the public sector? Sacrifice the big bucks, ‘cause that doesn’t matter to you? Maybe spend a few years in the Peace Corp? Save the whales maybe? Maybe join the Environmental Defense Council? (Voice is now squeaky and ridiculously high.) Recycle? (Laughter) Gonna go and… clean up … a few rivers like JFK Jr? Donate a tree? Volunteer for legal aid for the underprivileged? (Laughter) Go to Africa? (Voice goes completely back to normal.) No, you’re gonna sell out. (Laughter)
And now, brave graduates, I shall pass the vocal baton onto our final speaker.
(Assumes the voice of Quagmire.)
Gentlemen and co-eds! (Laughter and cheering.) I would like to wish you all a good giggity, (Laughter) and to tell you it is an honor to be standing before you today at this fine establishment. I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment being here because I’ve banged chicks in every school in the Ivy League except for Harvard! (Laughter) You are, by far, the toughest to get into. (Loud laughter, cheering.) I’ll keep my remarks brief today, because I’m meeting two women and an animal handler at Hong Kong’s in about 20 minutes. Heh-alright! (Laughter) Last time I was here, I had sex with a woman at the New England aquarium, where it’s fun to find out! In fact, when I come to Boston, I sleep with a different woman every night of the week! Except Wednesday. Because in Boston’s historic northland Wednesday, is print spaghetti day.
I respect education. And I draw in deep inspiration from the classics. As my favorite poet, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, once said, “It’s gonna tempt your tummy with a taste of nuts and honey… It’s a honey of an ‘O’… it’s Honey Nut Cheerios.” (Laughter) And, if I may, I would like to paraphrase Dickens, but instead of Christmas traditions, I am speaking today of vaginas when I say, “They have never put one scrap of gold in my pocket, but they bring a smile to my face, so therefore, I declare them good.” (Laughter)
If there is one message I can leave you with this afternoon, it is this: Although you are graduating, and moving onto those uncharted new frontiers of adult life, never leave behind that sense of experimentation, that bare-backed sense of adventure and openness, stay young, keep looking at the world with a sense of wide-legged wonder… Giggity-giggity and good luck to you all. Thank you very much!
(Loud cheering and clapping.)
Aaron Chadbourne: Hi, I’m Aaron Chadbourne, Class Marshal from Lole House…
Christina Adams: And I’m Christina Adams, the class marshal from Quincy House. (Cheering.) On behalf of the class of 2006, it is our pleasure to thank you, Seth Macfarlane, for your insightful and incredibly entertaining remarks.
Aaron Chadbourne: You may not realize it now, but it seems somehow appropriate to have had you as our class-day speaker today. For many members of our class, it was your humor and Stewie’s … wisdom…that helped get us through four otherwise serious years at Harvard.
Christina Adams: We consider it a privilege you were here to address the class of 2006, on this day celebrating the culmination of our Harvard experience.
Aaron Chadbourne: In honor to commemorate your first visit to Harvard in order to join our class, the Senior Class Marshals and all the Senior Class committee have decided to bestow upon you what we consider to be the greatest honor that any individual can achieve at Harvard or in the world: Honorary membership in the class of 2006!
(Loud cheering and clapping. Seth laughs and claps enthusiastically.)
Christina Adams: We are fortunate and honored to have you among us. In addition to this certificate, we would like to present you with what, for many of us, practically became a uniform during exam periods.
(Aaron Chadbourne pulls out a red Harvard sweater with the words “Harvard: 2006” written on the front.)
(Cheering, clapping. Seth comes up to the podium, shakes hands, and accepts the gifts.)
Aaron Chadbourne: Let’s hear it one more time for Seth MacFarlane!
(Loud cheering and clapping.)