all my relations
oh boy, where to begin... well lets start with the easy stuff. friday ashley and i went down to the railway club to see the doers and greg macpherson. it was a pretty awesome show. i ran into a bunch of friends i hadn't seen in a really long time, and ended up hanging out with them for most of the night. there were other people there that i knew, but i chose to not interact with them. they kind of represent what i am trying to get away from. and even though its difficult, because a part of me still finds that whole aesthetic and attitude 'cool' and 'exciting', its not where i want to be right now. by the end of the night it was suprisingly not that hard to ignore them, and overall, i had a really great time.
the next day i went to pick up jeska and we headed out to her parent's place in maple ridge, taking a detour to west van to pick up her dad who just got back from a 24 hour sailing race. once in maple ridge we hastily prepared the snacks we were bringing with us to the sweat, got suited up in fleece and gortex (it was POURING rain) and headed out the door. the drive to yale took about an hour and half. we took the senic route, stopping in various places along the way.
one of the places we stopped was a general store on a tiny reserve by the side of the highway whose claim to fame is that it is the home of the world's best beef jerky.
me, sampling the jerky.
the jerky. it really was the world's best.
next we stopped at a spring to fill up some water jugs with natural spring water. i remember when i was a kid we would go and fill up jugs with spring water at a place near our cottage in the gatineaus. far, far away from here.
jeska and her mum filling bottles.
we drove and we drove along winding roads through the fraser valley, following the swollen river inland. the water was muddy and fast moving. the trees were dark and wet and sprouting tiny flourescent green leaves. the mountains were jettisoning their moisture by sending melting snow down leaping waterfalls. the summits were white, glowing through the thick gray sky. spring can be beautiful for more then just flowers.
we drove until we came to a non-descript turn-off where we pulled over and parked our truck on the side of a gravel road. we sat in the truck to do our prayer ties, on account of the pissing rain. prayer ties are little bundles of tobacco wrapped up in cloth and tied several to a string. you make one bundle for each person you want to say a prayer for. as the sweat is supposed to be only about you, you need to say a prayer for the people on your mind before you go in so that you can focus on yourself. i made seven bundles. half for the people i always say prayers for, and the other half for people who seem to be ever present in my thoughts these days.
throughout the whole ride there i felt like i was heading into a great unknown. i had no idea what to expect. no idea what it would look like, the kinds of people who would be there, the process we would go through, nothing. jeska and i had not really discussed the specifics of it, other then for her it had been an amazing and powerful experience. so as we stepped out of the truck into the april rain, prayer ties in hand, i felt a sense of apprehension and adventure. the kind of feeling you get when you're standing on the edge of the highest diving board, looking down and wondering whether or not you actually have the guts to go through with it. its the kind of feeling i have been searching for lately, and to notice that it was there was the first awakening i was to experience that night.
we made our way down a muddy path and into the forest. we didn't have far to go before we came upon a raging fire and the blue tarp dome of the sweat lodge. we were surrounded by moss covered forest, which slowed the rain by absorbing it into its higher branches. we were bordered also by the fraser river, from which the water for the sweat was drawn. i met chichi, the one woman wonder who runs the sweats. an energetic woman in her late 30s whose long black hair was pulled back into several braids, and whose black, deepset eyes welcomed me as though she had been expecting me. other women were arriving, and so we began to get ready. this entailed stripping naked in the cold, dripping woods and covering ourselves in our housecoats before standing in line awaiting our invitation to enter the lodge. every woman passed before chichi who asked each of us why we wanted to sweat. she then took the smoke of burning herbs and tobacco and an eagle feather and smudged us and allowed us in.
the lodge was small, and there were 11 of us huddled inside in a circle around a large empty pit. at that point we were shivering and thankful to be out of the cold rain. once we were all inside, chichi began bringing in the grandfathers one by one, blessing each as they crossed the threshold. the grandfathers were the rocks that had been heated for hours beneath the raging bonfire. for the first round she brought in ten stones. once the grandfathers were in place, she closed the door to the lodge, blocking all light and air from entering, and poured river water over the stones causing a cloud of steam to hiss and rise in the darkness. we sang songs of thanks and listened as chichi told us stories. before the 2nd round chichi brought in 7 more stones, and the temperature rose. again we were sitting in darkness sweating and singing and praying. we went around the circle and each woman had the opportunity to introduce herself to the great spirit and offer her thanks and ask for her prayers to be heard. the third round saw 7 more white hot rocks be added to the pile. the heat began to be unbearable. the steam burned the inside of my nostrils and my lungs as i breathed. it then came my turn to offer my prayers. this i did with great difficulty, as i searched deep for the words to express my desire to be happy with who i am. i was battling the heat, my cynicism and my fear of vulnerability. i wanted to give myself to the moment, but i found it difficult to turn off the running commentary in my brain. the same one that tends to analyze and over analyze just about everything. at a certain point, my critical self melted away and i could feel the energy of the women sitting around me in the darkness reach out and support me, which allowed me to go on. i heard coming from them sounds of agreement with my prayers as i spoke them, as i had agreed with and saw myself reflected in theirs. from this i gained a sense that truly, i am not alone. others feel as deeply and as strongly as i do. it may seem obvious on the surface, but things were said in the lodge that i would never have said to anyone or would have expected anyone to say to me. in a sense we all contributed to each other's consciousness. (sounds flakey, doesn't it?)
fourth round, and 7 more grandfathers came and joined us. the heat was stiffeling. my heart was racing, my breath was laboured. i felt as close to fainting as i have ever felt. we kept going around the circle and praying. i began to choke and cry. i felt arms reach out to me in the darkness and hold me to the earth. i gripped the cedar boughs beneath me and the willow branches above me and pressed my face against the moist blanket wall of the lodge. tyring to breath. there came a point when i could take no more. i had reached the place that i was meant to reach, and my work in the lodge was over. i asked to leave. i staggered outside into the night, disoriented and barely gripping my housecoat. i stumbled away from the fire and into the woods where i leaned my steaming body against a cold, wet mound of moss and earth. i closed my eyes and breathed deeply as thoughts came crashing through my head. i think i needed to leave when i did because i needed to have time alone to take it all in. as powerful as it was to be in a community of women, i also have to remember that i am a solitary creature. i spend a lot of time alone, and i have come to cherish my solitude. i felt like i had been reborn. i had laboured hard and left the womb and come to find myself alone, naked in the world. rain dripping on me and washing me clean. it was amazing. i don't really know how to describe the feeling. elated, grounded, focused, boundless, energetic, open, spent, proud.
i thought a lot about my mother that night. i thought about the amazing example she has set for me, and how much gratitude and love for her i have. i cherish the memories of my childhood when my mother would dispear into the woods with her women and they too would sweat and come back and love us kids all the more. she knew then what she needed in order to be balanced in life. she taught me this. now it seems like we have both moved away from this balance we once enjoyed, in our lives and in our relationship. i want my mum to come out and sweat with me when she comes back. i think it would do her good, and it would do me good too.
i will definately be going back next month. if you're interested in coming, let me know.