(no subject)
last night the realization hit me. i do not have the freedom's i once had. i was at work all night and i was talking to Pic, mostly at towards the end, and i realized that even if i did like him, it isn't as easy as hanging out with him or telling Cliff i want to see other people. now there is something bigger than all that involved. last night was the first night i wished none of this was happening. if it wasn't, there would be a possibility that something could potentially happen between Pic and I, but because of the situation, there isn't even that possibility, i don't even have that choice. and i just wanted to cry last night looking at him. Brandon said last night that he liked me. even ashley said so cause Pic usually leaves like at 8:00pm and the last two wednesdays, he has stayed til close with me. but last night he found out or maybe he already knew. he said he knew through a contractor that works with bob, but i don't believe that. i think that he found out last night and he was disappointed. brandon said,"you two would have made a cute couple, not that it matters now cause she is having a baby" and Pic just said,"that's not the part i mind" i think meaning that he minds because i am still with Cliff. he asked me to go skiing with him and go to the diner for breakfast. i told him i wanted his mom to make me dinner and do my laundry like she does for him and he told me i could come over. if last night had happened a month ago, things would be completely different. it's like something that you want and wants you back is right there in front of you but circumstances that are out of your control now prevent you from having it. i hate it! i hate not being able to choose, not having an option here. i almost hope he isn't there next wednesday cause that would just be torture, having to look at him and knowing we want each other but can't.
so needless to say, while i had a great time last night with him, it has made me utterly sad today. and also other things. like i know this isn't going to be the last time i can't have something i want because of this baby. i am going to be making major sacrifices for the rest of my life. last night brandon asked me what my dreams were before i got pregnant and i told him and i almost wanted to cry. i can't have any of that anymore. none of it. at least not for a very long time. do you know what it is like to have the world at your fingertips, to be able to go anywhere and do anything you want, be able to dream and hope, and then have it all ripped out from under you and know that you are going to be tied down to something for the rest of your life? maybe to some people that doesn't sound that bad, but to me, it is the end of my world.
thank god for livejournal cause i don't know how else i would get this all out.
number one fear right now: if things don't work out with cliff, who wants to be with someone with a kid that isn't theirs?
so needless to say, while i had a great time last night with him, it has made me utterly sad today. and also other things. like i know this isn't going to be the last time i can't have something i want because of this baby. i am going to be making major sacrifices for the rest of my life. last night brandon asked me what my dreams were before i got pregnant and i told him and i almost wanted to cry. i can't have any of that anymore. none of it. at least not for a very long time. do you know what it is like to have the world at your fingertips, to be able to go anywhere and do anything you want, be able to dream and hope, and then have it all ripped out from under you and know that you are going to be tied down to something for the rest of your life? maybe to some people that doesn't sound that bad, but to me, it is the end of my world.
thank god for livejournal cause i don't know how else i would get this all out.
number one fear right now: if things don't work out with cliff, who wants to be with someone with a kid that isn't theirs?