(no subject)
i don't understand why i am sad. after hearing about cliff's grandpa today, i just wanted to hop on a flight and be next to my family. it can happen in a second, you lose the ones you love. i don't know what i am supposed to say to him. we just started hanging out and learning about each other and this happens. i don't know his family. what am i supposed to say to him. i was so worried about him today and i want to do something to help him out, anything, but what? this is going to put a break in "us" for a little bit, but that is ok with me. it will help me figure some stuff out. like even if i want to start this thing with cliff. i like him a lot. i take that back, i am attracted a lot to him. we had fun this weekend though. last night we just hung out here and had a good time. but some of the stuff he was saying i didn't agree with. he is a big homophobic person. and we all know how i feel about that. and for some reason, i feel like i am being judged by him. the other night i said "sweetness" and i know he was just joking in his response, but it made me feel like shit. he is overly confident i think and in turn that makes me feel like he is looking down on me.
drew and i started our whole not talking to each other thing. i have a good point though. in order for me to know if i miss him and am totally crazy about him, i have to have him completely out of my life. in order to know if i am willing to move back to orlando just for him, i need to miss him. at least this is what i thought. but it's only been two days and i already know my decision. and i knew it before i cam up with that lamo excuse of not talking. my decision has nothing to do with cliff either cause it was made before him. i am staying. i refuse to go back to Orlando right now. especially not for a boy. not even a boy i love and could see myself marrying. i am too young to make sacrifices like that. i might sound selfish, but this is where i want to be right now in my life and why shouldn't i? i am young and free and i want to be here. i like it here. yes, it is lonely. yes, i get bored sometimes. but ultimately, i am going to be fine. i have met people that are my friends. speaking of though...
mel is starting to grind on my nerves. before i met her, pam told me she was always craving the attention. i never realized until recently how self centered she is. just little things. i tried to tell her about cliff yesterday and before i could even finish my story, she jumped in with something cute chad had done for her. like she needed to prove she was better or whatever. today she asked me to go to her parents with her, but i told her i had to eat dinner first. she didn't even want to wait for me to finish eating so she went without me cause it is all about her. when she is not at work, she is spending time with chad. but never the less when something happens with chad, she runs to me or jill expecting us to hang out. but i am not going to be her back up. at first she said she was going to back off from him, but now she spends all her time with him. and i am right to be hurt. where did my friend go? but it is what she wants and nobody or anything else really matters. i am tired of listening. sometimes i need a friend to listen to me you know? but she thinks she is more important or she needs the attention.
all this keeps going on and around in my head and i can't sleep. i have to work tomorrow during the day and have volleyball tomorrow night. i won't be seeing cliff, and it sucks cause tomorrow is his day off. not that he will probably want to spend time with me. i really don't want to be the chaser in this one, for once, can't i be chased?
drew and i started our whole not talking to each other thing. i have a good point though. in order for me to know if i miss him and am totally crazy about him, i have to have him completely out of my life. in order to know if i am willing to move back to orlando just for him, i need to miss him. at least this is what i thought. but it's only been two days and i already know my decision. and i knew it before i cam up with that lamo excuse of not talking. my decision has nothing to do with cliff either cause it was made before him. i am staying. i refuse to go back to Orlando right now. especially not for a boy. not even a boy i love and could see myself marrying. i am too young to make sacrifices like that. i might sound selfish, but this is where i want to be right now in my life and why shouldn't i? i am young and free and i want to be here. i like it here. yes, it is lonely. yes, i get bored sometimes. but ultimately, i am going to be fine. i have met people that are my friends. speaking of though...
mel is starting to grind on my nerves. before i met her, pam told me she was always craving the attention. i never realized until recently how self centered she is. just little things. i tried to tell her about cliff yesterday and before i could even finish my story, she jumped in with something cute chad had done for her. like she needed to prove she was better or whatever. today she asked me to go to her parents with her, but i told her i had to eat dinner first. she didn't even want to wait for me to finish eating so she went without me cause it is all about her. when she is not at work, she is spending time with chad. but never the less when something happens with chad, she runs to me or jill expecting us to hang out. but i am not going to be her back up. at first she said she was going to back off from him, but now she spends all her time with him. and i am right to be hurt. where did my friend go? but it is what she wants and nobody or anything else really matters. i am tired of listening. sometimes i need a friend to listen to me you know? but she thinks she is more important or she needs the attention.
all this keeps going on and around in my head and i can't sleep. i have to work tomorrow during the day and have volleyball tomorrow night. i won't be seeing cliff, and it sucks cause tomorrow is his day off. not that he will probably want to spend time with me. i really don't want to be the chaser in this one, for once, can't i be chased?