long post from last night
Today was definitely a walk down memory lane. Just driving by and looking at the restaurant, it was like a movie with different scenes flashing in front of my eyes. All the times I have sat outside there and smoked a cigarette, and with so many people too. The times I sat out there having important conversations with Mark about our relationship, so many times sitting out there venting my stress. I had so many relationships with different people there and that is my history with that place. Different people have different histories there and I understand new memories are being made every day, but it makes me sad to think that no one remembers our story. The new people don’t know what it used to be like, what it was like when Rob was there, when Tony was there. No one there now even knows about when it used to be open across the street. But at least I have my memories. I remember during the summer opening up the place in the morning. Mark and I would eat our breakfast together before we opened. I remember closing at night and going to Denny’s with him at like 1:00 am, of course me driving his truck. I have nothing but good memories with him. I started wondering what it would have been like if I hadn’t gone that weekend. Would we have been caught eventually? Would our relationship have grown and lasted longer and eventually turned into something more? Better yet, what if Mark had never bought the restaurant? We would have never met, I would have never started working full time there, I wouldn’t have lost my job, and I wouldn’t have done a lot. But in the end, I would not take my experience back with Mark at all. Just like I would not take back my experience with Jacki. These experiences are going to form who I become as a person. What everyone does in life makes them who they are, directly or indirectly.
So David got locked up again. I am done with it. I decided I am going to write him a letter explaining how I feel. I am at a point in my life where I do not have time to baby-sit someone or play childish games with a grown adult. He obviously isn’t making an effort and since he isn’t, I can’t either. I can’t afford to get caught up with him and all his messes anymore; I am not in high school. I’m afraid if I keep trying to be his friend and change him, he will just eventually drag me down.
I was thinking what it would be like if I actually went to Alaska. I thought of the faces I would want to see at the airport. I would want every single one of my friends to be there. The thought made me cry. It always seems like at the times when I am the loneliest, God provides me with this awesome support circle. I could not have asked for a better set of friends. I have realized that Josh was always right, the more you put into your bank, the more you get back. Until recently I never really put effort or time into my friendships with people. I consumed my time with work and my boyfriend and school. Lately, without the boyfriend factor present, I have been putting more of my energy into my friends and the result has been an amazing thing. I feel like I missed out on something the whole time I was being selfish and self absorbed. Were these great people really here all along? That is what is great about good friends, they are there whether you know it or not. You might get so wrapped up in your own life and forget about them, but when you need them, they are still there. I honestly feel blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.
I talked to my sister today for the first time in a long time. She is dating someone new and you don’t even begin to understand how happy that made me. It surprised me how much I cared about who she was dating. I guess after seeing the pain and heartache she went through after Michael, I just want her to be happy. I want her to find someone who treats her as well as Drew treated me. She really deserves it. I am happy for her.
I saw my little cousins today for the first time too in a couple months. Aidan is reading! The exclamation point was much needed there. When did he get to be seven? He was reading a chapter book out loud at the Café today when I stopped by. Brennah and Kiernan are getting so big too. Seeing all of them together as a family made me jealous. I admired my aunt for a brief moment for being able to do all she does.
Of course since I saw the kids, I instantly thought of the girls, Jasodra’s girls. I called to see if I could come over to see them, but they were out at a friend’s house. Those girls have been through so much. Lenny finally moved to Washington. No matter how far away I live or how far I go, those girls will always be a part of me. If anything, they have taught me how to be strong, passionate. Journey is going to be the spunky heartbreaker of the three. Savannah is an introvert who will always be reflective, emotional. Patience is going to be the creative, smart genius. I can’t wait to see them grow up and become young women of society.
The song I related to today, I’m not sure what the title is, has a part in the chorus that goes “Even the best fall down sometimes”. I feel like this saying applies to my life. I always felt like in high school I was this perfect model example person. Good student, good worker, good girlfriend, good friend, you know, the person who had it all together. I guess I feel like that has always been expected of me. Since graduation though, I’m not sure if I have been making the wisest decisions. Well maybe even a little bit before graduation. I slipped somewhere along the way and just like when you fall down ice-skating, it is so hard to get back up and get your balance back. The last couple of weeks are the first time I actually feel like I am standing on my own and am starting to get my balance back. It’s been a year since I first slipped. I’m not sure what has caused the sudden shift, but I partially lay blame on the whole Jacki thing, but in a positive way. After her, after that kind of hurt, I was doing a lot of thinking. I thought a lot not just about my relationships and what I wanted from them or in this case did not want from them, but where I was going. Being single I realized all of a sudden where I wanted my life to go, and I wasn’t working towards that at that point. So the whole Jacki thing happened for a reason. If not for it, I wouldn’t have gotten my balance back. I am pretty sure that is why I feel so at peace lately about everything. I am finally getting it all back together.
So David got locked up again. I am done with it. I decided I am going to write him a letter explaining how I feel. I am at a point in my life where I do not have time to baby-sit someone or play childish games with a grown adult. He obviously isn’t making an effort and since he isn’t, I can’t either. I can’t afford to get caught up with him and all his messes anymore; I am not in high school. I’m afraid if I keep trying to be his friend and change him, he will just eventually drag me down.
I was thinking what it would be like if I actually went to Alaska. I thought of the faces I would want to see at the airport. I would want every single one of my friends to be there. The thought made me cry. It always seems like at the times when I am the loneliest, God provides me with this awesome support circle. I could not have asked for a better set of friends. I have realized that Josh was always right, the more you put into your bank, the more you get back. Until recently I never really put effort or time into my friendships with people. I consumed my time with work and my boyfriend and school. Lately, without the boyfriend factor present, I have been putting more of my energy into my friends and the result has been an amazing thing. I feel like I missed out on something the whole time I was being selfish and self absorbed. Were these great people really here all along? That is what is great about good friends, they are there whether you know it or not. You might get so wrapped up in your own life and forget about them, but when you need them, they are still there. I honestly feel blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.
I talked to my sister today for the first time in a long time. She is dating someone new and you don’t even begin to understand how happy that made me. It surprised me how much I cared about who she was dating. I guess after seeing the pain and heartache she went through after Michael, I just want her to be happy. I want her to find someone who treats her as well as Drew treated me. She really deserves it. I am happy for her.
I saw my little cousins today for the first time too in a couple months. Aidan is reading! The exclamation point was much needed there. When did he get to be seven? He was reading a chapter book out loud at the Café today when I stopped by. Brennah and Kiernan are getting so big too. Seeing all of them together as a family made me jealous. I admired my aunt for a brief moment for being able to do all she does.
Of course since I saw the kids, I instantly thought of the girls, Jasodra’s girls. I called to see if I could come over to see them, but they were out at a friend’s house. Those girls have been through so much. Lenny finally moved to Washington. No matter how far away I live or how far I go, those girls will always be a part of me. If anything, they have taught me how to be strong, passionate. Journey is going to be the spunky heartbreaker of the three. Savannah is an introvert who will always be reflective, emotional. Patience is going to be the creative, smart genius. I can’t wait to see them grow up and become young women of society.
The song I related to today, I’m not sure what the title is, has a part in the chorus that goes “Even the best fall down sometimes”. I feel like this saying applies to my life. I always felt like in high school I was this perfect model example person. Good student, good worker, good girlfriend, good friend, you know, the person who had it all together. I guess I feel like that has always been expected of me. Since graduation though, I’m not sure if I have been making the wisest decisions. Well maybe even a little bit before graduation. I slipped somewhere along the way and just like when you fall down ice-skating, it is so hard to get back up and get your balance back. The last couple of weeks are the first time I actually feel like I am standing on my own and am starting to get my balance back. It’s been a year since I first slipped. I’m not sure what has caused the sudden shift, but I partially lay blame on the whole Jacki thing, but in a positive way. After her, after that kind of hurt, I was doing a lot of thinking. I thought a lot not just about my relationships and what I wanted from them or in this case did not want from them, but where I was going. Being single I realized all of a sudden where I wanted my life to go, and I wasn’t working towards that at that point. So the whole Jacki thing happened for a reason. If not for it, I wouldn’t have gotten my balance back. I am pretty sure that is why I feel so at peace lately about everything. I am finally getting it all back together.