delete this week!
i'm over it, just so over it. oh by the way, if it seems like i am not posing as much it is beacuse i got a new account on xanga.com, but i am still keeping my live journal. i don't know what to do with kaley. should i call, should i not call? all drew says is "fuck her" but she is my best friend and he doesn't understand. i want to stand by her, but i don't agree with what she is doing. why is she going to thailand? to spend time with josh or because she really wants to advance her relationship with christ? i think both are her reasons for going, but josh weighs in a little more. i don't agree as much as i would like to be happy for her because i know what she does behind closed doors. i see her slowly turning into those people that i hate, those hypocrites that claim to be believers and maybe they really are, but they also participate in ungodly like things. i don't want her to be like that. i did not agree with her making out with all these different guys and going to parties all the time and getting drunk and i'm sure god wouldn't either. i can't help but think that her newfound interest in church has something to do with josh being involved. and that is just not the right reason. and my feelings are a little hurt because she didn't even call me to tell me that she was going to thailand yet. she is going to be gone for a month i think during the summer. and the worst part of all that worries me is that after the trip, her and josh will have grown closer and have started something and she refuses to hang out with me and him at the same time because i don't know why, but she will choose him over me. and i want to tell her all this, everything that has been on my mind for the past 2 weeks, but i am afraid she will end up resenting me. how do i say it without coming across mean or judgemental? maybe i should just ignore it and forget about it and let her make a move. if she doesn't call me today to tell me about thailand or ask about us going to lunch together tomorrow, i am going to know that is avoiding me or doesn't really care to hang out with me. and that's another thing, the more she gets involed with church, the more she won't hang out with me because i am not like, i am not all religious and holy like they claim to be. i will be her "sinner" friend. i know all this from experience. i used to go there and i used to be that way. it makes my heart hurt and i have tears coming up now even thinking about it. i've been down that road and it hurts to try to come back from it. you think those people are your friend, but secretly they talk about you and constantly are watching you, waiting for you to mess up, to give them a reason not to talk to you anymore. but i can't tell her this because i don't want to force my opinions or experiences on her. i don't want her to think that i am a know-it-all, but i just don't want her to become someone that i know she is above. i don't know what to do and i can't ask advice from drew, maybe my mom, i don't know, i do know that i am so busy this week that i don't need to be dwelling on this but i am and i can't even concentrate on what i need to be doing which is studying for a test i have in 15 minutes and writing a paper for tomorrow. i just want to crawl up in my bed and wait for the week to go by and then get up when it is monday again.