(no subject)
I know I haven't updated this in awhile. I think its partially because i prefer expressing thoughts in my journal. idk its something about the feel of the paper and the pen scratching across it. its so welcoming.
i really have no idea why im on here.. i guess i spend more of my time in cyber world than i do in the real world. in here im safe. i can be any one i want to be.
especially when i play sims 2. i can play out things that i dont think id do in real life. also it allows me complete freedom and a wonderful escape. it is sad to think that i live though a computer image but i feel like i can do anything in there and not have to worry about others. most of the time i dont care what others think of me since this is the way i am and this is the way its gonna stay but i fear how my decisions affect others around me.
lately ive felt this feeling of being out of the loop sort of. the odd man out. i will be with a group and feel completley disconnected. ill be with a couple and feel so far away.. i guess its cause they have such a close bond while im so unattached from everything, kind of just floating through life. i know i should probably deal with this but why bother...
this is such a terrible attitude to have. this why bother attitude. it gets me no where.
honestly the only place i really feel at peace is at the Diffins. i feel uncomfortable in my own house. my bedroom is cold and unwelcoming. it doesnt feel like my own anymore. but when im at the diffins there just this feeling that i can just be myself and not have to hide anything. i could have a girlfriend over if i had one and we could just sleep on the futons curled in together and no one would bat an eyelash. in my house if i had a girlfriend over we'd have to be an appropriate distance appart and if we were in my room i would be so paranoid that my brother or mom would here something that i wouldnt be able to relax. i need an environment where i dont feel so judged. a place i can talk this all our. perhaps a place where i can look and act however i so choose and there would be no reprocussions, no judging, no worry. A safe place.
Which brings me back to why i live more in cyber land. theres these pockets in this world that i can go stow away in and no one will worry or care. cause really no one knows you on here.
i really have no idea why im on here.. i guess i spend more of my time in cyber world than i do in the real world. in here im safe. i can be any one i want to be.
especially when i play sims 2. i can play out things that i dont think id do in real life. also it allows me complete freedom and a wonderful escape. it is sad to think that i live though a computer image but i feel like i can do anything in there and not have to worry about others. most of the time i dont care what others think of me since this is the way i am and this is the way its gonna stay but i fear how my decisions affect others around me.
lately ive felt this feeling of being out of the loop sort of. the odd man out. i will be with a group and feel completley disconnected. ill be with a couple and feel so far away.. i guess its cause they have such a close bond while im so unattached from everything, kind of just floating through life. i know i should probably deal with this but why bother...
this is such a terrible attitude to have. this why bother attitude. it gets me no where.
honestly the only place i really feel at peace is at the Diffins. i feel uncomfortable in my own house. my bedroom is cold and unwelcoming. it doesnt feel like my own anymore. but when im at the diffins there just this feeling that i can just be myself and not have to hide anything. i could have a girlfriend over if i had one and we could just sleep on the futons curled in together and no one would bat an eyelash. in my house if i had a girlfriend over we'd have to be an appropriate distance appart and if we were in my room i would be so paranoid that my brother or mom would here something that i wouldnt be able to relax. i need an environment where i dont feel so judged. a place i can talk this all our. perhaps a place where i can look and act however i so choose and there would be no reprocussions, no judging, no worry. A safe place.
Which brings me back to why i live more in cyber land. theres these pockets in this world that i can go stow away in and no one will worry or care. cause really no one knows you on here.