"The Captain Who Shagged Me" idek
Title: Jim Kirk: The Captain Who Shagged Me
Author: rps_lizardspock Formerly loveable_me_87. I changed my username.
Pairing: McCoy/Kirk
Rating: Um, PG-13 for language, I guess.
Words: 2569
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. Any plot or lines you recognize were blatantly stolen from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery and The Spy Who Shagged me. I don't own those, either.
Summary: From THIS PROMPT at st_xi_kink. SOMEONE GOES BACK IN TIME AND STEALS KIRK'S MOJO. This is CRACK, kids.
"We'll travel back in time to steal James Kirk's mojo," random evil doer Romulan says.
"Mojo?"
"Yes, mojo. You know, the life force. The essence. The right stuff. What the Vulcan's call a certain... I don't know, what?"
"And why are we stealing his mojo?"
"So he won't be able to have sex and he'll be too irritable to thwart our evil plans?"
"Why don't we just kill him?"
"Well... where's the fun in that?"
~*~
"Crikey, I've lost my mojo!" Jim Kirk proclaimed.
"What are you going on about, Jim?" Dr. Leonard McCoy asked his captain when he came bursting into the room.
"My mojo, I've lost it!" Kirk cried.
"Oh... is that why you couldn't... ya know, last night?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Oh. Okay. Well, how'd you lose your mojo?"
"Well, obviously someone must have stolen it while I was cryogenically frozen."
"You were cryogenically frozen?"
"Yeah."
"When?"
"For a year when I was like 20."
"Um, why?"
"It seemed like a good at the time, Bones! God, what's with the 20 questions? Are you going to help me get it back, or are we just never having sex again?"
"You're not the only person I can have sex with, Jim."
"Oh really? And who else is there?"
"I don't know, your BFF Spock?"
"..."
"..."
"... whatever. Just help me!"
"Yeah, alright. What do we have to do?"
"Well, we've got to travel back in time to three months after I was frozen, which is when I calculated that my mojo was stolen, find the evil bastards who took it and ask them nicely to give it back."
"Ask them nicely?"
"Well, sure. I mean, we can kill them if you really want to, but we'll get to that when we get there."
"Hey, Jim, if your mojo was just stolen, but you were 20 when it was stolen, how come you've had your mojo since then? If it was stolen then, shouldn't it have been gone this whole time?"
"Bones, don't ask me how time travel works. It's a poorly contrived plot device, just go with it. And besides, if I wanted logic, I'd have gone to Spock. Now, let's go."
"Where are we going?"
"To Spock so he can tell us the best logical way to do this. Would you catch up, Bones?"
~*~
"So... now that we've got his mojo, what do you want to do?" The second in command Romulan asked.
"Hmm, we could go to Earth, build a super secret volcano lair, acquire a laser and then blow up the moon," the leader said.
"You want to blow up the moon while we're on Earth? Doesn't that seem a bit detrimental to our lives?"
"Huh?"
"The Earth needs the moon. If we blow it up while we're on the Earth, we all die," the second in command said slowly as though he were speaking to a child.
"Oh. Hadn't thought that out, really. Maybe we can just threaten to blow up the Earth unless they give us 100 billion credits."
"What do you want 100 billion credits for?"
"I don't, really. I just want a super secret volcano lair, gosh!"
~*~
"Wait a tick," Kirk said. "Spock, if I travel back to three months after I was frozen, and I was frozen three months prior, presumably, I could go visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen when I'm 20, how could I have been unthawed a year later and traveled back to..." Kirk suddenly goes cross-eyed. "Oh, no. I've gone cross-eyed."
"Captain, I suggest you not think about it," Spock said. "Your human brain is not capable to comprehending such matters as time travel."
"But your Vulcan brain is?"
"Indeed."
"And this is going to work?"
"I would not send you back in time if it were not going to, Captain."
"Ok then!" Kirk said and slapped both Spock and McCoy on the back. "So let's get crackin'! ...wait, how exactly are we going to get back in time?"
"That's easy, captain," Engineer Montgomery Scott said suddenly from behind him. Kirk turned around and saw the man standing there with a large sandwich in his hand. "We have a time portal in the engine room. Keenser's just finishin' dustin' her off."
"We have a time portal on the ship and you never told me, Scotty?"
"Eh, you never asked," Scotty shrugged.
"Well, it's very convenient that we have it," McCoy said.
"Indeed," Spock answered.
~*~
"Alright, so we have your stupid hollowed out volcano lair, we have a giant laser pointed at the moon, and we have 100 billion credits that the Federation wired into your account. So, what's your next genius plan?"
"I don't know... I honestly didn't think it'd be so easy to get the credits."
"You are aware that money has very little relevance, right?"
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Oh. Well. Hmm. We can always go and play with my sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. Always wanted sharks with laser beams attached to their heads."
"About that, sir. We weren't able to get them."
"What? Why not?"
"Well, there are animal cruelty laws. They wouldn't allow us to do it."
"But... we're evil."
"That's what we said. Turns out it doesn't matter, it's still against the law."
"Great," the leader sighed. "So what do we have?"
"Piranhas."
"Piranhas?"
"Yes."
"..."
"..."
"...Alright then," the leader shrugged as he left to go play with his piranhas.
~*~
"Wow, look at this place," Kirk said when he and McCoy stepped through the portal.
"I'm looking at it, Jim."
"Where are we?"
"Hawaii, I think."
"It's very romantic," Kirk said, turning to McCoy and throwing his arms around him. "Want to have sex?"
"You can't have sex because your mojo was stolen. It's the reason we're here in the first place, remember?"
"Oh right. Guess we should start looking for the Romulan leader's secret volcano lair to get my mojo back."
"How do you know it's the Romulans and that they have a secret volcano lair?"
"What? Oh, there was exposition earlier that I forgot to tell you about," Kirk shrugged. "Trust me, it's where we need to go." He started to walk off. McCoy rolled his eyes, but followed.
~*~
"Sir," one of the leaders low-level functionaries shouted as he entered the room with the piranhas that the leader, his second in command and some random dude in a red shirt were watching. The man in the red shirt startled and fell into the water while the other three men watched him get eaten alive.
"Wow," the leader laughed. "I feel a little better about not having those sharks now." He turned to the man who had just walked in. "What is it, minion?"
"We just got report in that Jim Kirk and his boyfriend have traveled back in time and are on the island."
"What?" The leader asked. "What is he doing here?"
"Umm, come to get his mojo?" The second in command said, rolling his eyes.
"Oh. Right. Well, minion, go tell him to go away."
"Why don't you just kill him?" The second in command asked.
"How about no, Number Two, okay?"
"That's not my name," the second in command, who will thus be known as Number Two, said, rolling his eyes.
"Look, minion, just go tell him to leave. But don't tell him where we are!" The minion nodded and left.
~*~
"I'm getting tired of walking, Bones," Kirk complained. "Carry me?"
"Damnit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a horse." Kirk pouted and they kept walking.
"Hello!" Someone shouted from behind them. They turned around and saw a Romulan minion jogging their way. "Hey, hi there!"
"Who are you?" Kirk asked, his phaser raised.
"I'm not permitted to give you that information."
"Who are you?" Kirk asked again.
"No, really, I can't tell you."
"Who are you?" Kirk said and McCoy rolled his eyes.
"My name's Bob."
"That was easy," McCoy said, surprised.
"That was easy," Kirk agreed.
"Why did you tell us?" McCoy asked.
"I can't stand to be asked the same question three times. It just irritates me," Bob said.
"Where's your leader's secret volcano lair?" Kirk asked.
"Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries."
"Where's your leader's secret volcano lair?"
"You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you."
"Where's your leader's secret volcano lair?"
"Damn, three times. It's the one right behind us."
"Great. How do we get in?"
"I spit at that question," Bob said, spitting.
"Do I really have to ask you two more times?"
"Go to hell, Kirk."
"Fine. How do we get in?"
"I will take it to the grave with me!"
"Ah ha!" McCoy exclaimed. "You have to answer. He asked you three times."
"No no no! The second question was 'Do I really have to ask you two more times?'. So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning."
"He's right," Kirk said, looking at McCoy, who rolled his eyes.
"Look," Bob said. "I was just sent here to ask you to go away."
"We're not going away until I get my mojo back."
"Really?"
"Really. Now, how do we get into the secret volcano lair? How do we get into the secret volcano lair, how do we get into the secret volcano lair?"
"Damn you, Kirk! There's a door at the base. You must knock on it three times quickly and say 'open' and then repeat the action two more times."
"So '*knockknockknock* open *knockknockknock* open *knockknockknock* open'?"
"I'll never tell... fuck it. Yeah, that's what you do," Bob said and pulled out his phaser, pointing it at his head.
"Whoa, Bob, what are you doing?" Kirk asked.
"Well, I'm sacrificing myself."
"Um, why?" McCoy asked.
"Well, I'm no longer important to the plot anymore, am I?" Kirk and McCoy shared a glance.
"Yeah, that makes sense."
"Yeah."
Bob pulled the trigger and dropped to the ground. McCoy rushed over to him.
"He's dead, Jim."
"Of course he is," Kirk said. "We just watched him shoot himself in the head. Now come on, let's go!"
~*~
"I'm bored," the Romulan leader said as he spun around in his chair. "I thought having a super secret volcano base would be fun, but this is lame."
"We could always go back to the ship and harass people in space," Number Two suggested.
"No," the leader sighed. "We haven't gotten to the climax of the plot where Jim Kirk and his boyfriend burst in and demand Kirk's mojo back yet." He spun around when there was a loud crash from behind him and saw Kirk and McCoy stride into the room. "Oh, never mind."
"Can I please have my mojo back?" Kirk asked politely, but sternly.
"I thought we asked you to go away?" The Romulan leader sighed.
"Yeah, well, then it would have been pointless to come back to the past. So just give me my mojo and we'll go away."
"I don't understand, I thought taking away your mojo would make you too irritable from lack of sex to try and thwart my plans."
"You'd think, but it just made me want to get my mojo back faster," Kirk shrugged. "Now, if you don't mind?"
"I do, actually. There's more to this plot, so I'm going to have my twenty minions who are about to conveniently walk in take you into a room with a hole in the middle that has molten hot magma flowing in it that's located right next to the room where we're hiding your mojo."
"Couldn't we just skip that?" McCoy asked, yawning.
"Nope," the leader said and turned to the twenty minions who just walked in. "Escort them to the lave room," he ordered and resumed spinning in his chair.
~*~
"Great, so what are we going to do now?" Kirk pouted, sitting down on the ground, his feet dangling over the edge above the lava.
"First, get your feet away from there, you're going to slow cook them like that. Second, that chasm is three feet wide and there's no one guarding us, so we're going to jump over it and then go get your mojo."
"Oh. Good plan, Bones!"
~*~
"Why do you think they didn't bother to lock the door, Bones?"
"I don't know Jim, just go in the room so we can get your mojo back and get the hell out of the past." Kirk shrugged and walked into the room. His mojo was in a tube sitting on a stand in the middle of the large room. He walked over to to it and reached out to grab it.
"I wouldn't do that is I were you," a Scottish voice said from the corner of the room. Kirk turned to see a much larger Scotty, holding a giant sandwich.
"Scotty, what are you doing here?" Kirk asked.
"Oh, the Romulans visted Delta Vega a few years back and found me. Said they'd give me all the sandwiches I wanted it I'd keep their ship running."
"But I found you on Delta Vega when Spock!Prime traveled back in time and we went back to the Enterprise and you eat sandwiches all the time. Of course, you work out occasionally there."
"Must be an alternate universes Scotty," Scotty shrugged. "I don't know."
"So my Scotty is still on the Enterprise in the future?"
"More than likely."
"Oh, good."
"Jim, could we stop chatting and just take your mojo and get the hell out of here? It's hotter than Vulcan down here."
"Yeah, yeah," Kirk said and reached for his mojo again.
"I really wouldn't do that. When you lift it off there it'll trigger a self destruct button and this whole place'll blow up five minutes later."
"Why would it do that?"
"How should I know? I just read the instruction manuals, I don't write 'em."
"Okay, so, just pick up the mojo and we'll run, Jim," McCoy said.
"Yeah, that makes sense. You gonna come with us, Scotty?"
"Naw, I've got my sandwich, I'm good." Kirk and McCoy shrugged before grabbing the mojo and running for it.
~*~
"Why do you think no one stopped us when we ran for it, Bones?" Kirk asked 6 minutes later as they watched the volcano continue to blow.
"I think I heard music when we passed by that giant room we barged into when the scene where we're first in the volcano started."
"Oh, man, did we miss karaoke night?" Kirk pouted.
"Ugh, get over it, man," McCoy grunted. "We'll do karaoke some other night." Kirk smiled happily before pulling his mojo out of his pocket.
"So, what do you think I do with this?"
"I don't know, try drinking it."
"That sounds a bit disgusting," Kirk said, frowning.
"Just do it, Jim," McCoy sighed. Kirk shrugged and downed the vial. He looked down to see that he now ha an erection.
"It worked!" Kirk exclaimed.
"Great," McCoy deadpanned.
"So," Kirk said seductively. "Wanna have sex?"
"Naw, I'm tired. Let's just go back to the future," McCoy said, and walked off back towards the time portal. Jim's face fell when McCoy walked away. He followed after him, pouting the entire way.
END.
Author: rps_lizardspock Formerly loveable_me_87. I changed my username.
Pairing: McCoy/Kirk
Rating: Um, PG-13 for language, I guess.
Words: 2569
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. Any plot or lines you recognize were blatantly stolen from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery and The Spy Who Shagged me. I don't own those, either.
Summary: From THIS PROMPT at st_xi_kink. SOMEONE GOES BACK IN TIME AND STEALS KIRK'S MOJO. This is CRACK, kids.
"We'll travel back in time to steal James Kirk's mojo," random evil doer Romulan says.
"Mojo?"
"Yes, mojo. You know, the life force. The essence. The right stuff. What the Vulcan's call a certain... I don't know, what?"
"And why are we stealing his mojo?"
"So he won't be able to have sex and he'll be too irritable to thwart our evil plans?"
"Why don't we just kill him?"
"Well... where's the fun in that?"
~*~
"Crikey, I've lost my mojo!" Jim Kirk proclaimed.
"What are you going on about, Jim?" Dr. Leonard McCoy asked his captain when he came bursting into the room.
"My mojo, I've lost it!" Kirk cried.
"Oh... is that why you couldn't... ya know, last night?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Oh. Okay. Well, how'd you lose your mojo?"
"Well, obviously someone must have stolen it while I was cryogenically frozen."
"You were cryogenically frozen?"
"Yeah."
"When?"
"For a year when I was like 20."
"Um, why?"
"It seemed like a good at the time, Bones! God, what's with the 20 questions? Are you going to help me get it back, or are we just never having sex again?"
"You're not the only person I can have sex with, Jim."
"Oh really? And who else is there?"
"I don't know, your BFF Spock?"
"..."
"..."
"... whatever. Just help me!"
"Yeah, alright. What do we have to do?"
"Well, we've got to travel back in time to three months after I was frozen, which is when I calculated that my mojo was stolen, find the evil bastards who took it and ask them nicely to give it back."
"Ask them nicely?"
"Well, sure. I mean, we can kill them if you really want to, but we'll get to that when we get there."
"Hey, Jim, if your mojo was just stolen, but you were 20 when it was stolen, how come you've had your mojo since then? If it was stolen then, shouldn't it have been gone this whole time?"
"Bones, don't ask me how time travel works. It's a poorly contrived plot device, just go with it. And besides, if I wanted logic, I'd have gone to Spock. Now, let's go."
"Where are we going?"
"To Spock so he can tell us the best logical way to do this. Would you catch up, Bones?"
~*~
"So... now that we've got his mojo, what do you want to do?" The second in command Romulan asked.
"Hmm, we could go to Earth, build a super secret volcano lair, acquire a laser and then blow up the moon," the leader said.
"You want to blow up the moon while we're on Earth? Doesn't that seem a bit detrimental to our lives?"
"Huh?"
"The Earth needs the moon. If we blow it up while we're on the Earth, we all die," the second in command said slowly as though he were speaking to a child.
"Oh. Hadn't thought that out, really. Maybe we can just threaten to blow up the Earth unless they give us 100 billion credits."
"What do you want 100 billion credits for?"
"I don't, really. I just want a super secret volcano lair, gosh!"
~*~
"Wait a tick," Kirk said. "Spock, if I travel back to three months after I was frozen, and I was frozen three months prior, presumably, I could go visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen when I'm 20, how could I have been unthawed a year later and traveled back to..." Kirk suddenly goes cross-eyed. "Oh, no. I've gone cross-eyed."
"Captain, I suggest you not think about it," Spock said. "Your human brain is not capable to comprehending such matters as time travel."
"But your Vulcan brain is?"
"Indeed."
"And this is going to work?"
"I would not send you back in time if it were not going to, Captain."
"Ok then!" Kirk said and slapped both Spock and McCoy on the back. "So let's get crackin'! ...wait, how exactly are we going to get back in time?"
"That's easy, captain," Engineer Montgomery Scott said suddenly from behind him. Kirk turned around and saw the man standing there with a large sandwich in his hand. "We have a time portal in the engine room. Keenser's just finishin' dustin' her off."
"We have a time portal on the ship and you never told me, Scotty?"
"Eh, you never asked," Scotty shrugged.
"Well, it's very convenient that we have it," McCoy said.
"Indeed," Spock answered.
~*~
"Alright, so we have your stupid hollowed out volcano lair, we have a giant laser pointed at the moon, and we have 100 billion credits that the Federation wired into your account. So, what's your next genius plan?"
"I don't know... I honestly didn't think it'd be so easy to get the credits."
"You are aware that money has very little relevance, right?"
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Oh. Well. Hmm. We can always go and play with my sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. Always wanted sharks with laser beams attached to their heads."
"About that, sir. We weren't able to get them."
"What? Why not?"
"Well, there are animal cruelty laws. They wouldn't allow us to do it."
"But... we're evil."
"That's what we said. Turns out it doesn't matter, it's still against the law."
"Great," the leader sighed. "So what do we have?"
"Piranhas."
"Piranhas?"
"Yes."
"..."
"..."
"...Alright then," the leader shrugged as he left to go play with his piranhas.
~*~
"Wow, look at this place," Kirk said when he and McCoy stepped through the portal.
"I'm looking at it, Jim."
"Where are we?"
"Hawaii, I think."
"It's very romantic," Kirk said, turning to McCoy and throwing his arms around him. "Want to have sex?"
"You can't have sex because your mojo was stolen. It's the reason we're here in the first place, remember?"
"Oh right. Guess we should start looking for the Romulan leader's secret volcano lair to get my mojo back."
"How do you know it's the Romulans and that they have a secret volcano lair?"
"What? Oh, there was exposition earlier that I forgot to tell you about," Kirk shrugged. "Trust me, it's where we need to go." He started to walk off. McCoy rolled his eyes, but followed.
~*~
"Sir," one of the leaders low-level functionaries shouted as he entered the room with the piranhas that the leader, his second in command and some random dude in a red shirt were watching. The man in the red shirt startled and fell into the water while the other three men watched him get eaten alive.
"Wow," the leader laughed. "I feel a little better about not having those sharks now." He turned to the man who had just walked in. "What is it, minion?"
"We just got report in that Jim Kirk and his boyfriend have traveled back in time and are on the island."
"What?" The leader asked. "What is he doing here?"
"Umm, come to get his mojo?" The second in command said, rolling his eyes.
"Oh. Right. Well, minion, go tell him to go away."
"Why don't you just kill him?" The second in command asked.
"How about no, Number Two, okay?"
"That's not my name," the second in command, who will thus be known as Number Two, said, rolling his eyes.
"Look, minion, just go tell him to leave. But don't tell him where we are!" The minion nodded and left.
~*~
"I'm getting tired of walking, Bones," Kirk complained. "Carry me?"
"Damnit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a horse." Kirk pouted and they kept walking.
"Hello!" Someone shouted from behind them. They turned around and saw a Romulan minion jogging their way. "Hey, hi there!"
"Who are you?" Kirk asked, his phaser raised.
"I'm not permitted to give you that information."
"Who are you?" Kirk asked again.
"No, really, I can't tell you."
"Who are you?" Kirk said and McCoy rolled his eyes.
"My name's Bob."
"That was easy," McCoy said, surprised.
"That was easy," Kirk agreed.
"Why did you tell us?" McCoy asked.
"I can't stand to be asked the same question three times. It just irritates me," Bob said.
"Where's your leader's secret volcano lair?" Kirk asked.
"Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries."
"Where's your leader's secret volcano lair?"
"You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you."
"Where's your leader's secret volcano lair?"
"Damn, three times. It's the one right behind us."
"Great. How do we get in?"
"I spit at that question," Bob said, spitting.
"Do I really have to ask you two more times?"
"Go to hell, Kirk."
"Fine. How do we get in?"
"I will take it to the grave with me!"
"Ah ha!" McCoy exclaimed. "You have to answer. He asked you three times."
"No no no! The second question was 'Do I really have to ask you two more times?'. So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning."
"He's right," Kirk said, looking at McCoy, who rolled his eyes.
"Look," Bob said. "I was just sent here to ask you to go away."
"We're not going away until I get my mojo back."
"Really?"
"Really. Now, how do we get into the secret volcano lair? How do we get into the secret volcano lair, how do we get into the secret volcano lair?"
"Damn you, Kirk! There's a door at the base. You must knock on it three times quickly and say 'open' and then repeat the action two more times."
"So '*knockknockknock* open *knockknockknock* open *knockknockknock* open'?"
"I'll never tell... fuck it. Yeah, that's what you do," Bob said and pulled out his phaser, pointing it at his head.
"Whoa, Bob, what are you doing?" Kirk asked.
"Well, I'm sacrificing myself."
"Um, why?" McCoy asked.
"Well, I'm no longer important to the plot anymore, am I?" Kirk and McCoy shared a glance.
"Yeah, that makes sense."
"Yeah."
Bob pulled the trigger and dropped to the ground. McCoy rushed over to him.
"He's dead, Jim."
"Of course he is," Kirk said. "We just watched him shoot himself in the head. Now come on, let's go!"
~*~
"I'm bored," the Romulan leader said as he spun around in his chair. "I thought having a super secret volcano base would be fun, but this is lame."
"We could always go back to the ship and harass people in space," Number Two suggested.
"No," the leader sighed. "We haven't gotten to the climax of the plot where Jim Kirk and his boyfriend burst in and demand Kirk's mojo back yet." He spun around when there was a loud crash from behind him and saw Kirk and McCoy stride into the room. "Oh, never mind."
"Can I please have my mojo back?" Kirk asked politely, but sternly.
"I thought we asked you to go away?" The Romulan leader sighed.
"Yeah, well, then it would have been pointless to come back to the past. So just give me my mojo and we'll go away."
"I don't understand, I thought taking away your mojo would make you too irritable from lack of sex to try and thwart my plans."
"You'd think, but it just made me want to get my mojo back faster," Kirk shrugged. "Now, if you don't mind?"
"I do, actually. There's more to this plot, so I'm going to have my twenty minions who are about to conveniently walk in take you into a room with a hole in the middle that has molten hot magma flowing in it that's located right next to the room where we're hiding your mojo."
"Couldn't we just skip that?" McCoy asked, yawning.
"Nope," the leader said and turned to the twenty minions who just walked in. "Escort them to the lave room," he ordered and resumed spinning in his chair.
~*~
"Great, so what are we going to do now?" Kirk pouted, sitting down on the ground, his feet dangling over the edge above the lava.
"First, get your feet away from there, you're going to slow cook them like that. Second, that chasm is three feet wide and there's no one guarding us, so we're going to jump over it and then go get your mojo."
"Oh. Good plan, Bones!"
~*~
"Why do you think they didn't bother to lock the door, Bones?"
"I don't know Jim, just go in the room so we can get your mojo back and get the hell out of the past." Kirk shrugged and walked into the room. His mojo was in a tube sitting on a stand in the middle of the large room. He walked over to to it and reached out to grab it.
"I wouldn't do that is I were you," a Scottish voice said from the corner of the room. Kirk turned to see a much larger Scotty, holding a giant sandwich.
"Scotty, what are you doing here?" Kirk asked.
"Oh, the Romulans visted Delta Vega a few years back and found me. Said they'd give me all the sandwiches I wanted it I'd keep their ship running."
"But I found you on Delta Vega when Spock!Prime traveled back in time and we went back to the Enterprise and you eat sandwiches all the time. Of course, you work out occasionally there."
"Must be an alternate universes Scotty," Scotty shrugged. "I don't know."
"So my Scotty is still on the Enterprise in the future?"
"More than likely."
"Oh, good."
"Jim, could we stop chatting and just take your mojo and get the hell out of here? It's hotter than Vulcan down here."
"Yeah, yeah," Kirk said and reached for his mojo again.
"I really wouldn't do that. When you lift it off there it'll trigger a self destruct button and this whole place'll blow up five minutes later."
"Why would it do that?"
"How should I know? I just read the instruction manuals, I don't write 'em."
"Okay, so, just pick up the mojo and we'll run, Jim," McCoy said.
"Yeah, that makes sense. You gonna come with us, Scotty?"
"Naw, I've got my sandwich, I'm good." Kirk and McCoy shrugged before grabbing the mojo and running for it.
~*~
"Why do you think no one stopped us when we ran for it, Bones?" Kirk asked 6 minutes later as they watched the volcano continue to blow.
"I think I heard music when we passed by that giant room we barged into when the scene where we're first in the volcano started."
"Oh, man, did we miss karaoke night?" Kirk pouted.
"Ugh, get over it, man," McCoy grunted. "We'll do karaoke some other night." Kirk smiled happily before pulling his mojo out of his pocket.
"So, what do you think I do with this?"
"I don't know, try drinking it."
"That sounds a bit disgusting," Kirk said, frowning.
"Just do it, Jim," McCoy sighed. Kirk shrugged and downed the vial. He looked down to see that he now ha an erection.
"It worked!" Kirk exclaimed.
"Great," McCoy deadpanned.
"So," Kirk said seductively. "Wanna have sex?"
"Naw, I'm tired. Let's just go back to the future," McCoy said, and walked off back towards the time portal. Jim's face fell when McCoy walked away. He followed after him, pouting the entire way.
END.