I smiled at him and we all left the courtroom. I had to give Leo one last kiss goodbye, he walked us out to a private room and even though it might freak out Lorne, he orbed us to the offices
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I sat down in one of the office-type couches nearby and grabbed the drink sitting on the table. It seemed like forever since I tasted that blend of cranberry and grapefruit, and the rich red colour of it alone made my hand quiver.
The first gulp sent its warmth down my throat and I could feel myself slightly un-tense. I nursed the drink in my hand for a few minutes, swishing the icecubes around in the glass. I took another sip, and then another, and finally put the glass down on the table.
"Definately didn't have those where I was," I noted. Then I realized I was talking about it. Damnit. The gates were open and once I get started on something I just couldn't stop. I noticed Angel, Gunn, and Spike watching me intently.
I sighed. "I was in Nevada, fellas. Alone in a cabin feeling sorry for myself. There were some things that I had done that I ran from. I told you not to come because I had to be alone. I had to work it out."
I grabbed the glass again. I finished it off, and lowered my head. "I'm ashamed of what i'd done, and now of what I've become. Maybe I didn't come here to help you.. maybe I came here for you to help me."
I carefully got up and went in the back to get the alcohol and get Lorne another drink. I made him a stronger and larger one this time then returned to the group. I also handed Spike the bottle of whiskey.
"I feel like a waitress"
I muttered not really to anyone just mouthing off. I returned to my seat and didn't say another word.
Bloody little tart. I could show her a thing or two. "Don't tease me, little girl. I don't care if you're a slayer, I could take you and make you scream, do way more than slap that tight ass of yours."
ENOUGH, Spike! Angelina, go sit back down and work.
Me and my big mouth. But if she wanted to, we could have it out later. Then again, if that got back to Buffy, it wouldn't be good for me. Stupid git of a slayer that Angelina is...
Angel yelled and I cowered a bit then returned to my seat. I still had issues with yelling and such. Gotta love what happens after you watch your watcher murdered. I was trying to curb that fear within me.
I shook my head. No way was I going to get involved in that. I was just glad Lorne was here. Spike just needs to keep his cool before something bad goes down.
"Yes, tell us, we're more than happy to help a friend who's helped us in the past a lot."
I sighed in resignation, and put my empty glass on the table.
"Alright kids, it goes something like this," I began. "Angel, you sent me out with Lindsey, which was supposed to be the last thing I did for you, for the team. I was supposed to take care of him."
I lowered my head.
"I thought it would be easy. I watched you people kill things all the time. I figured, 'How hard could it be? Pull the trigger, put on a straight face, end with some witty catch phrase, and blam, I'm the hero.'"
I looked up at Angel.
"It wasn't supposed to be this way. I was supposed to leave and never come back. But instead, the act of taking another man's life has weighed heavily upon me ever since," I continued.
"I'm Pylean, for Christ's sake. My people are born true warriors. They kill all the time. Why can't I? Am I that much of a coward?"
I could suddenly feel my eyes starting to well up. I gritted my teeth.
"You never think of the ramifications of your actions until after you've already carried them out. I never thought killing someone.. especially Lindsey would do this to me," I went on.
"I was supposed to walk away from this," I said while choking back a sob, "I was supposed to walk away to a new life. I was going to head down to Malibu and rebuild Caritas, grow old and die there."
I realized at this point I must have looked like a real sissy, sitting here infront of these two vampires, going on about taking one life when they've taken thousands. But still, I wasn't evil when I killed Lindsey..
"Instead," I rambled on, "I ended up in the middle of nowhere in a shithole cabin, brooding and repenting and feeling damn near suicide. And now I can't get past it. Which is why I came back. Its eating me up inside, and I can't go anywhere until I deal with it."
The first gulp sent its warmth down my throat and I could feel myself slightly un-tense. I nursed the drink in my hand for a few minutes, swishing the icecubes around in the glass. I took another sip, and then another, and finally put the glass down on the table.
"Definately didn't have those where I was," I noted. Then I realized I was talking about it. Damnit. The gates were open and once I get started on something I just couldn't stop. I noticed Angel, Gunn, and Spike watching me intently.
I sighed. "I was in Nevada, fellas. Alone in a cabin feeling sorry for myself. There were some things that I had done that I ran from. I told you not to come because I had to be alone. I had to work it out."
I grabbed the glass again. I finished it off, and lowered my head. "I'm ashamed of what i'd done, and now of what I've become. Maybe I didn't come here to help you.. maybe I came here for you to help me."
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"I feel like a waitress"
I muttered not really to anyone just mouthing off. I returned to my seat and didn't say another word.
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I got a warning glance from Angel, but I couldn't help myself. I had heard what she bloody said. I didn't ask her to get it for me, just where it was.
I looked over at Lorne, sipping my whiskey, waiting for him or someone else to talk again.
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"If I wasn't taken I would show you a thing or two. I suggest however you be nice to me, or maybe I will have a vision of your staking."
I let my warm breath hit his cool ear
"of course...if you want to slap my ass..."
I chuckled as I stood and turned to walk away
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ENOUGH, Spike! Angelina, go sit back down and work.
Me and my big mouth. But if she wanted to, we could have it out later. Then again, if that got back to Buffy, it wouldn't be good for me. Stupid git of a slayer that Angelina is...
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"S--Sorry"
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I then glare at Spike, sending the message that he better keep a lid on it or I'll make him shut up.
"Alright, Lorne, how can we help you?"
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"Yes, tell us, we're more than happy to help a friend who's helped us in the past a lot."
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I moved my chair over to them and tried to be part of the group. I didn't want to upset Angel, but I wanted to be included if I could help.
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"Alright kids, it goes something like this," I began. "Angel, you sent me out with Lindsey, which was supposed to be the last thing I did for you, for the team. I was supposed to take care of him."
I lowered my head.
"I thought it would be easy. I watched you people kill things all the time. I figured, 'How hard could it be? Pull the trigger, put on a straight face, end with some witty catch phrase, and blam, I'm the hero.'"
I looked up at Angel.
"It wasn't supposed to be this way. I was supposed to leave and never come back. But instead, the act of taking another man's life has weighed heavily upon me ever since," I continued.
"I'm Pylean, for Christ's sake. My people are born true warriors. They kill all the time. Why can't I? Am I that much of a coward?"
I could suddenly feel my eyes starting to well up. I gritted my teeth.
"You never think of the ramifications of your actions until after you've already carried them out. I never thought killing someone.. especially Lindsey would do this to me," I went on.
"I was supposed to walk away from this," I said while choking back a sob, "I was supposed to walk away to a new life. I was going to head down to Malibu and rebuild Caritas, grow old and die there."
I realized at this point I must have looked like a real sissy, sitting here infront of these two vampires, going on about taking one life when they've taken thousands. But still, I wasn't evil when I killed Lindsey..
"Instead," I rambled on, "I ended up in the middle of nowhere in a shithole cabin, brooding and repenting and feeling damn near suicide. And now I can't get past it. Which is why I came back. Its eating me up inside, and I can't go anywhere until I deal with it."
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