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Chapter 23: The Definitive Pictorial History Of Krayden's Big Gay Love Odyssey (RPF, Photo Essay, R)
x-posted to kristen_hayden rpfs heroes_rps heroes_rpf
Disclaimer:The following is a satirical examination of fictitious events. Some readers may not share this sense of humour.
Additional Disclaimer: The following was made possible by a grant from The Lesbian Herstory Archives.
Chapter 23 has now been added to TDPHoK&HBGLO
23.
January 10th. Vandalizing the Bree Van De Kamp Kitchen Set. 3:20 am. High on marker fumes. Trespassing.
COSMOPOLITAN: Before we let you go, do you have any tips for our reading audience on keeping the spark in a relationship?
Kristen Bell: You have to make time for the magic to happen. And by magic I mean sex. That's my word for it. Setting the right mood is key. First you want to lug all the paint cans out of the garage, preferably your garage, and open them around the bed. Next, pour the water out of your humidifier and replace it with Mr. Clean Multi-Surface Liquid Cleaner. I personally recommend Summer Citrus scent. Then get some duct tape and make sure your bedroom is completely airtight. Then find some permanent markers and summon your lover to lie by your side and spend some unhurried moments just basking in each other's presence and also the intoxicating blend of paint, solvent, and marker fumes. It's all about igniting the senses so you can have the best magic of your life.
COSMO: That's your advice. Huffing.
KB: Yeah. Try to get the markers that smell like fruit. You can buy them at toy stores.
COSMO: Apart from the fact that sniffing markers destroys your brain, this is Cosmo, not the zine you put out in middle-school. We provide real sex tips to real women, and that never includes inhalant abuse.
KB: Real sex tips? You mean like the waterpik/saran wrap technique you dreamed up for the October issue? Did anyone on your staff actually field test that one before you printed it? No see, I want to know because some of your more suggestible readers really do want try out all 1001 tips because they're crazy little sex pigs who won't let you get any sleep even after you explained about how older people need to rest sometimes, and then they get to the page with the waterpick deal on it, and their partners have to pretend like 'whoa, that's not ridiculous' and then they have to go out and buy themselves new waterpiks after.
COSMO: Sounds like someone didn't read our 637 tips on honest sexual communication.
KB: You owe me 45 dollars. Oh, and everybody go see Fanboys, opening March 16th at a theater near you.
Disclaimer:The following is a satirical examination of fictitious events. Some readers may not share this sense of humour.
Additional Disclaimer: The following was made possible by a grant from The Lesbian Herstory Archives.
Chapter 23 has now been added to TDPHoK&HBGLO
23.
January 10th. Vandalizing the Bree Van De Kamp Kitchen Set. 3:20 am. High on marker fumes. Trespassing.
COSMOPOLITAN: Before we let you go, do you have any tips for our reading audience on keeping the spark in a relationship?
Kristen Bell: You have to make time for the magic to happen. And by magic I mean sex. That's my word for it. Setting the right mood is key. First you want to lug all the paint cans out of the garage, preferably your garage, and open them around the bed. Next, pour the water out of your humidifier and replace it with Mr. Clean Multi-Surface Liquid Cleaner. I personally recommend Summer Citrus scent. Then get some duct tape and make sure your bedroom is completely airtight. Then find some permanent markers and summon your lover to lie by your side and spend some unhurried moments just basking in each other's presence and also the intoxicating blend of paint, solvent, and marker fumes. It's all about igniting the senses so you can have the best magic of your life.
COSMO: That's your advice. Huffing.
KB: Yeah. Try to get the markers that smell like fruit. You can buy them at toy stores.
COSMO: Apart from the fact that sniffing markers destroys your brain, this is Cosmo, not the zine you put out in middle-school. We provide real sex tips to real women, and that never includes inhalant abuse.
KB: Real sex tips? You mean like the waterpik/saran wrap technique you dreamed up for the October issue? Did anyone on your staff actually field test that one before you printed it? No see, I want to know because some of your more suggestible readers really do want try out all 1001 tips because they're crazy little sex pigs who won't let you get any sleep even after you explained about how older people need to rest sometimes, and then they get to the page with the waterpick deal on it, and their partners have to pretend like 'whoa, that's not ridiculous' and then they have to go out and buy themselves new waterpiks after.
COSMO: Sounds like someone didn't read our 637 tips on honest sexual communication.
KB: You owe me 45 dollars. Oh, and everybody go see Fanboys, opening March 16th at a theater near you.