Blink of an Eye
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch---" Zoë watched in horror as a wooden harpoon shot through the front window and into her husband's chest. She screamed his name and ran over to him, begging him to get up. And then time suddenly ...stopped. She had heard of people describing near-death experiences as their lives flashing before their eyes. Wash was dying, and her life with him was flashing before her eyes...
***********
"Zo," Wash called from his pilot seat, "could you come here for a minute?"
Zoë appeared moments later, the vest she had been wearing before gone, her hair down and framing her face. "What is it, Wash? I was just about to go to bed."
"Come sit down," Wash stood up and lead Zoë to his chair.
Zoë gave him a suspicious look, "...What's going on?" Wash wasn't one to share his chair unless there was downtime involved.
"I wanted to talk to you."
"Okay..."
Wash took a deep breath and then began to talk, obviously fighting nervous feelings. "I know I'm not the most handsome man. Semi-muscular, sure, but not the most handsome. I know I have bizarre habits, like talking to dinosaurs and making random jokes at the worst times. And then there's you, this amazing warrior woman who could break me in half with her pinky. You're gorgeous and you're strong...and I love you."
Zoë smiled and spoke softly, " I love you, too."
Wash shook his head, "That just makes you even more amazing." He paused for a moment, his nervousness getting the best of him.
"You sit me down for a reason, Wash?" Her smile widened.
"Actually, I just wanted to be taller than you for once." Zoë nudged him with her foot. "Okay, okay." Wash got on one knee and took a slender strip of cord from his pocket. "I've never had a bond with anyone that compares to the bond I have with you. I want that bond to continue to grow. Zoë...will you marry me?"
This was the first and last time that Zoë would allow Wash to see tears in her eyes. She nodded, "Yes, I'd love to marry you." Wash began to tie the cord around her neck....
***********
Zoë could feel the warm, sticky blood rolling down her leg. She winced as Simon gave her a shot in her upper thigh. She shifted uncomfortably in the infirmary chair as Wash came rushing into the room.
"What in the tyen shiao duh happened?" Wash gently touched a cut on her face. She could feel his eyes glance over her wounds, focusing mostly on the bullet in her leg.
"Wash, I need room to work," Simon said, prompting Wash to move to the other side of her.
"Job went south. We were ambushed," Zoë explained.
Wash shook his head, "You can't keep doing this."
She raised her eyebrows, "Excuse me?"
He pulled a chair up and sat down, taking a hold of her hand as if to make sure she was still there. "You know what I mean, Zoë. This job isn't worth it. Every time you come back from a meeting, you've got bruises or bullet holes. I'm too young and handsome to be a widow." Despite these light words, it was obvious that Wash was dead serious.
"Baby, we've talked about this before. I did this job before you came along, and I'm gonna continue to do it."
"Can't you do something else?"
Zoë winced as Simon went about getting the bullet out of her. "Like what, dear?"
"I don't know... You could be in charge of buying and stocking goods. The Official Goods Buyer-Stocker...You could baby-sit the dinos...T-Rex is always getting into trouble..."
Zoë put her hands to her husband's face. "You know I gotta do this, Wash. ...I love my job. I'm a fighter like you're a pilot. Part of who we are."
Wash paused before speaking, "I know. And I understand. I just...don't like seeing my lambie-toes come home with holes in her. You can't blame me for that."
"And I don't. But you can't ask me to stop being a fighter any more than I can ask you to stop flying. But know this: I'll always come home to you. May get holes in me once in a while, but I'll mend. Just gotta have faith in me. ...Like I have faith in you and your abilities."
Wash kissed her on the forehead. "I do have faith in you, baby. I do." He then addressed Simon. "Hurry up, doc. Got some healin' of my own to do." Simon just rolled his eyes. Zoë laughed and kissed Wash on the cheek...
***********
Zoë suddenly sat up in the bed she shared with Wash. Her body had broken out in a cold sweat, her brown curls plastered to her forehead. Another nightmare. She'd had another nightmare about the war.
She silently slipped out of her bed and put on her robe. She tied her hair back and climbed the ladder up and out of their bunk.
Zoë headed to the kitchen and made herself a cup of tea. Images from her dream filled her mind, and she tried to push them away. She never regretted going to war, but she wasn't proud of a lot of her actions. These actions had come back to haunt her time and time again.
She heard footsteps come up behind her. She didn't even need to turn around. "I'm okay, Wash." He sat down in the chair next to her, slipping his hand in hers.
"Don't seem okay. You had another nightmare, didn't you?" he said softly.
Zoë didn't reply. There was no point, he already knew the answer. They were both silent for a few moments. She knew that Wash was trying to give her space, he didn't want to push. He was so good to her; sometimes she wondered if she deserved him.
Wash tugged on her hand and stood up, "Come on." Zoë got up and followed him. He lead her to the bridge and sat down in his seat. He tugged on her hand again and she sat down in his lap. Wash gently ran his hands through her hair, trying to help her to relax. "Nothing bad can reach you here. You look at those stars...can't help but let their peace become yours."
Zoë snuggled up against him, and was silent for a few moments. Finally, she spoke, "A man...begging for his life. Alliance man. Killed so many that day...he didn't look any different from the rest. Most of the men I killed never begged, never got a chance to. But this man was different. He made me hesitate. He spoke of his wife and his kids. He begged me to let him go, to give them the chance to see him again. Could've been lying I guess, trying to save himself. But there was something in his eyes...fear, I guess. I realized it wasn't for his life...it was for them. He didn't want to leave them behind. And I slit his throat."
Wash was silent. Zoë loved that he just listened, that he didn't make any judgments or pretend to really understand what she had been through during the war. She spoke again, “I’ll never regret fighting for what I believe in. It needed to be done, and I’d do it again. But I can’t help but think about the families I destroyed, taking away brothers, fathers, mothers, children... Do I deserve to have what I’ve taken away from so many?”
Wash whispered, “Don’t talk like that.”
“I just don’t think...”
He interrupted Zoë, “No, baby. You’re a great person with a great heart. You do what you have to do--it’s necessity. You think I don’t worry about how my job affects people? Sure, I’m the best pilot in the ‘verse, but I make mistakes. I’ve got a whole crew to account for. There’ve been times when I’ve come in too late for the pick-up, and you or Mal have had an extra wound because of me. Okay, happened with Jayne a few times, too, but I didn’t really care.” Zoë smiled. “Point is, we do what we do and then move forward. We do our best, and that’s all we can do.” Wash paused and then whispered in her ear, “Think of how many Browncoats you saved that day.”
A small smile came over Zoë’s face. She kissed Wash gently and whispered back, “Thank you.” She snuggled up against him even more...
***********
Zoë and Wash headed back to their bunk after Nandi’s funeral. Neither of them said anything as they got ready for bed. Finally, as Zoë sat down on the bed, she broke the silence, “We gonna finish our conversation from before?”
Wash climbed into bed next to her, “I thought we did.”
She shook her head, “Conversation ain’t over till we solve the problem.”
He sighed, “What problem, bao-bay? I think we both know having a baby right now is impossible.”
“No, we both don’t know that. Now is as good of a time as any.”
Wash propped himself up against his pillow. “Okay, fine, what about today, Zoë? People were shooting up Serenity and Nandi’s house. Where would we have put the baby? How would we have protected it?”
“Someone of our own flesh and blood? I would’ve found a way.”
“I’m not doubting that, dear. But we’re constantly getting into trouble. I don’t doubt you would protect the baby...you would make a great mom...but some things can’t be controlled. I understand you want this, and so do I. But I don’t want to have this baby...and then lose it.”
Zoë could see how much the idea of losing a child scared Wash. She ran her hands up into his hair and held his head, kissing his forehead.
Wash tipped his head forward so that it touched Zoë's head. "The only thing that scares me more than losing a child is losing you."
"But you have me, don't you? You weren't so scared of losing me that you didn't marry me. You wanted me to be your wife and nothing could stop that. I guess the question is do you want a baby that badly."
Wash moved his head back so that they were staring into each other's eyes. "You know that's not a question you even need to ask. But what about our lives aboard Serenity--are you willing to give all of this up?"
"I grew up on a boat like this, Wash. It's no different than living on a planet. Danger follows you wherever you go. But in Serenity, you've got your family to protect you. Can't ask for anything more."
Wash smiled, "I guess not. Only one more problem."
"What's that?"
"How disappointed are you going to be if this baby comes out looking like its daddy?"
Zoë laughed and then kissed Wash deeply. "I don't think I'd mind..."
***********
Only a few hours until the plan was put into action, until they went up against Reavers and the Alliance and God only knows what else. Zoë found herself running around, trying to make sure all possible weapons were ready and available.
Suddenly, a hand grabbed her arm and lead her into one of the many concealed compartments that made up Serenity. "Wash, what are you doing? We don't have time to..."
Wash spun Zoë around and pressed her up against the wall, kissing her deeply on the lips. "Gotta make time, Zo," he said before kissing her again.
Zoë kissed him back and then gently pushed him away, "Gotta stay focused, husband."
"I am focused. On you."
She shook her head, "I meant focus on the job."
Wash lifted her chin and looked into her eyes, "Don't do this."
"Do what?"
"Shut me out."
Zoë's gaze softened, "Not sure we can win this."
"We can and we will. Because we know what's at stake." Wash enveloped Zoë in a hug. "I love you."
"I love you, too," Zoë whispered. She listened to his heartbeat, breathed in his scent, felt the material that made up his jumpsuit. She wanted to keep this moment, to hold it in her heart forever.
Zoë and Wash started to kiss again, still holding each other. Wash paused and whispered in her ear, "I grew up thinking I loved to fly. I was wrong. I had no idea what love was. You showed me that." She laid her head on his shoulder, unaware of the time that was passing by...
***********
And Zoë was back on Serenity, watching the man she loved slip away from her. She closed her eyes, praying that time would remain still forever, hoping that she could live on in her memories. She didn't want to continue without him. She didn't want to continue. But her prayers went unanswered as time crashed back into being and the Captain knocked her to the ground, another spear hurtling through the air...
***********
"Zo," Wash called from his pilot seat, "could you come here for a minute?"
Zoë appeared moments later, the vest she had been wearing before gone, her hair down and framing her face. "What is it, Wash? I was just about to go to bed."
"Come sit down," Wash stood up and lead Zoë to his chair.
Zoë gave him a suspicious look, "...What's going on?" Wash wasn't one to share his chair unless there was downtime involved.
"I wanted to talk to you."
"Okay..."
Wash took a deep breath and then began to talk, obviously fighting nervous feelings. "I know I'm not the most handsome man. Semi-muscular, sure, but not the most handsome. I know I have bizarre habits, like talking to dinosaurs and making random jokes at the worst times. And then there's you, this amazing warrior woman who could break me in half with her pinky. You're gorgeous and you're strong...and I love you."
Zoë smiled and spoke softly, " I love you, too."
Wash shook his head, "That just makes you even more amazing." He paused for a moment, his nervousness getting the best of him.
"You sit me down for a reason, Wash?" Her smile widened.
"Actually, I just wanted to be taller than you for once." Zoë nudged him with her foot. "Okay, okay." Wash got on one knee and took a slender strip of cord from his pocket. "I've never had a bond with anyone that compares to the bond I have with you. I want that bond to continue to grow. Zoë...will you marry me?"
This was the first and last time that Zoë would allow Wash to see tears in her eyes. She nodded, "Yes, I'd love to marry you." Wash began to tie the cord around her neck....
***********
Zoë could feel the warm, sticky blood rolling down her leg. She winced as Simon gave her a shot in her upper thigh. She shifted uncomfortably in the infirmary chair as Wash came rushing into the room.
"What in the tyen shiao duh happened?" Wash gently touched a cut on her face. She could feel his eyes glance over her wounds, focusing mostly on the bullet in her leg.
"Wash, I need room to work," Simon said, prompting Wash to move to the other side of her.
"Job went south. We were ambushed," Zoë explained.
Wash shook his head, "You can't keep doing this."
She raised her eyebrows, "Excuse me?"
He pulled a chair up and sat down, taking a hold of her hand as if to make sure she was still there. "You know what I mean, Zoë. This job isn't worth it. Every time you come back from a meeting, you've got bruises or bullet holes. I'm too young and handsome to be a widow." Despite these light words, it was obvious that Wash was dead serious.
"Baby, we've talked about this before. I did this job before you came along, and I'm gonna continue to do it."
"Can't you do something else?"
Zoë winced as Simon went about getting the bullet out of her. "Like what, dear?"
"I don't know... You could be in charge of buying and stocking goods. The Official Goods Buyer-Stocker...You could baby-sit the dinos...T-Rex is always getting into trouble..."
Zoë put her hands to her husband's face. "You know I gotta do this, Wash. ...I love my job. I'm a fighter like you're a pilot. Part of who we are."
Wash paused before speaking, "I know. And I understand. I just...don't like seeing my lambie-toes come home with holes in her. You can't blame me for that."
"And I don't. But you can't ask me to stop being a fighter any more than I can ask you to stop flying. But know this: I'll always come home to you. May get holes in me once in a while, but I'll mend. Just gotta have faith in me. ...Like I have faith in you and your abilities."
Wash kissed her on the forehead. "I do have faith in you, baby. I do." He then addressed Simon. "Hurry up, doc. Got some healin' of my own to do." Simon just rolled his eyes. Zoë laughed and kissed Wash on the cheek...
***********
Zoë suddenly sat up in the bed she shared with Wash. Her body had broken out in a cold sweat, her brown curls plastered to her forehead. Another nightmare. She'd had another nightmare about the war.
She silently slipped out of her bed and put on her robe. She tied her hair back and climbed the ladder up and out of their bunk.
Zoë headed to the kitchen and made herself a cup of tea. Images from her dream filled her mind, and she tried to push them away. She never regretted going to war, but she wasn't proud of a lot of her actions. These actions had come back to haunt her time and time again.
She heard footsteps come up behind her. She didn't even need to turn around. "I'm okay, Wash." He sat down in the chair next to her, slipping his hand in hers.
"Don't seem okay. You had another nightmare, didn't you?" he said softly.
Zoë didn't reply. There was no point, he already knew the answer. They were both silent for a few moments. She knew that Wash was trying to give her space, he didn't want to push. He was so good to her; sometimes she wondered if she deserved him.
Wash tugged on her hand and stood up, "Come on." Zoë got up and followed him. He lead her to the bridge and sat down in his seat. He tugged on her hand again and she sat down in his lap. Wash gently ran his hands through her hair, trying to help her to relax. "Nothing bad can reach you here. You look at those stars...can't help but let their peace become yours."
Zoë snuggled up against him, and was silent for a few moments. Finally, she spoke, "A man...begging for his life. Alliance man. Killed so many that day...he didn't look any different from the rest. Most of the men I killed never begged, never got a chance to. But this man was different. He made me hesitate. He spoke of his wife and his kids. He begged me to let him go, to give them the chance to see him again. Could've been lying I guess, trying to save himself. But there was something in his eyes...fear, I guess. I realized it wasn't for his life...it was for them. He didn't want to leave them behind. And I slit his throat."
Wash was silent. Zoë loved that he just listened, that he didn't make any judgments or pretend to really understand what she had been through during the war. She spoke again, “I’ll never regret fighting for what I believe in. It needed to be done, and I’d do it again. But I can’t help but think about the families I destroyed, taking away brothers, fathers, mothers, children... Do I deserve to have what I’ve taken away from so many?”
Wash whispered, “Don’t talk like that.”
“I just don’t think...”
He interrupted Zoë, “No, baby. You’re a great person with a great heart. You do what you have to do--it’s necessity. You think I don’t worry about how my job affects people? Sure, I’m the best pilot in the ‘verse, but I make mistakes. I’ve got a whole crew to account for. There’ve been times when I’ve come in too late for the pick-up, and you or Mal have had an extra wound because of me. Okay, happened with Jayne a few times, too, but I didn’t really care.” Zoë smiled. “Point is, we do what we do and then move forward. We do our best, and that’s all we can do.” Wash paused and then whispered in her ear, “Think of how many Browncoats you saved that day.”
A small smile came over Zoë’s face. She kissed Wash gently and whispered back, “Thank you.” She snuggled up against him even more...
***********
Zoë and Wash headed back to their bunk after Nandi’s funeral. Neither of them said anything as they got ready for bed. Finally, as Zoë sat down on the bed, she broke the silence, “We gonna finish our conversation from before?”
Wash climbed into bed next to her, “I thought we did.”
She shook her head, “Conversation ain’t over till we solve the problem.”
He sighed, “What problem, bao-bay? I think we both know having a baby right now is impossible.”
“No, we both don’t know that. Now is as good of a time as any.”
Wash propped himself up against his pillow. “Okay, fine, what about today, Zoë? People were shooting up Serenity and Nandi’s house. Where would we have put the baby? How would we have protected it?”
“Someone of our own flesh and blood? I would’ve found a way.”
“I’m not doubting that, dear. But we’re constantly getting into trouble. I don’t doubt you would protect the baby...you would make a great mom...but some things can’t be controlled. I understand you want this, and so do I. But I don’t want to have this baby...and then lose it.”
Zoë could see how much the idea of losing a child scared Wash. She ran her hands up into his hair and held his head, kissing his forehead.
Wash tipped his head forward so that it touched Zoë's head. "The only thing that scares me more than losing a child is losing you."
"But you have me, don't you? You weren't so scared of losing me that you didn't marry me. You wanted me to be your wife and nothing could stop that. I guess the question is do you want a baby that badly."
Wash moved his head back so that they were staring into each other's eyes. "You know that's not a question you even need to ask. But what about our lives aboard Serenity--are you willing to give all of this up?"
"I grew up on a boat like this, Wash. It's no different than living on a planet. Danger follows you wherever you go. But in Serenity, you've got your family to protect you. Can't ask for anything more."
Wash smiled, "I guess not. Only one more problem."
"What's that?"
"How disappointed are you going to be if this baby comes out looking like its daddy?"
Zoë laughed and then kissed Wash deeply. "I don't think I'd mind..."
***********
Only a few hours until the plan was put into action, until they went up against Reavers and the Alliance and God only knows what else. Zoë found herself running around, trying to make sure all possible weapons were ready and available.
Suddenly, a hand grabbed her arm and lead her into one of the many concealed compartments that made up Serenity. "Wash, what are you doing? We don't have time to..."
Wash spun Zoë around and pressed her up against the wall, kissing her deeply on the lips. "Gotta make time, Zo," he said before kissing her again.
Zoë kissed him back and then gently pushed him away, "Gotta stay focused, husband."
"I am focused. On you."
She shook her head, "I meant focus on the job."
Wash lifted her chin and looked into her eyes, "Don't do this."
"Do what?"
"Shut me out."
Zoë's gaze softened, "Not sure we can win this."
"We can and we will. Because we know what's at stake." Wash enveloped Zoë in a hug. "I love you."
"I love you, too," Zoë whispered. She listened to his heartbeat, breathed in his scent, felt the material that made up his jumpsuit. She wanted to keep this moment, to hold it in her heart forever.
Zoë and Wash started to kiss again, still holding each other. Wash paused and whispered in her ear, "I grew up thinking I loved to fly. I was wrong. I had no idea what love was. You showed me that." She laid her head on his shoulder, unaware of the time that was passing by...
***********
And Zoë was back on Serenity, watching the man she loved slip away from her. She closed her eyes, praying that time would remain still forever, hoping that she could live on in her memories. She didn't want to continue without him. She didn't want to continue. But her prayers went unanswered as time crashed back into being and the Captain knocked her to the ground, another spear hurtling through the air...