OMG is she updating???
Why, yes, yes I am. I know I haven't updated in a while but that's because I just haven't. Let's see...I guess I will start off with right now...I'm in study. I went on a field trip to that tree in the park for feminine spirituality. Yesterday, I went to get my last check from Quizno's. It was for $25...better than I expected. Went to my grandma's which was hard to do knowing that I haven't been around like I should be.
-It hurts to grow up. Have you ever heard that saying "I wish I was a kid again because I'd rather have skinned knees than a broken heart"? Well, that's how I feel. I'm heartbroken because I feel like I am failing my family, who has always been there for me and they always will be even if I'm not around. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE spending time with Jordyn and I love her but I just feel like I need to spend time with my family. But when it's time to hang out with Jordyn, it's like I don't want to be with anybody else but her. I know that's not healthy but I'm trying to work on that. I also have been ignoring my other friends. I need to do something with everybody but I just don't feel like getting back into all the drama. Over the summer, I died, basically. And it felt good. I didn't have one single episode of drama. It was really nice. You all should try it one day. But anyway, back to events.-
Oh yes, I got grounded because I used my mom's cell phone...stupid I know but oh well. Then Sunday I worked from 12-8 and Jordyn came and visited me and talked while I worked. It was great that I got to see her because she was grounded this weekend. Saturday, I worked and it was okay. I had to work in kid's which was a complete mess. Then friday I went to the Baxter Avenue Morgue...it was pretty good. I lost Jordyn's ring only because it was kind of loose and she kept grabbing my hand and it fell off. NOT MY FAULT. But she gave me another one. Then over the weeks I have...1.started smoking again 2.told my mom of mine and Jordyn's sex life, 3.her parents found out, 4.gone all over the city driving with Jordyn and everybody, 5.acheived a goal, and 6.helped people. I was also cheated on...
-How can one cheat on the one they love and then how can the person that was cheated on forgive that person? I don't understand it but it happened. It all went by so frickin quickly that I don't know how or why it happened the way it did. I'm just glad that it's over and that Timmy was honest with me. I want to trust her with all my heart again but I just don't know. I'm not scared to be alone because I've done it before, I just don't want to be. And I love her so much that I just can't let go that easily. IT didn't mean anything. She barely even knew the guy. I don't know though. I made the right choice even though sometimes I wonder what it would have been if I didn't. Would we still be friends? Would I still see her? Would her parents still like me? These questions I cannot answer. But I can answer other ones. I've been contemplating life again. Why do we do what we do? Once again I cannot answer but I can live and try to find out. My mom still has yet to find me a new therapist.-
My whole life, so much around me has happened but I just choose to ignore the fact that it exists. I hide it so I don't have to deal with it. And I've always been worried about other people, that I will put my life on hold just to help them. I know this also isn't healthy but that's how I am. I would rather see someone else happy then me be happy. But lately, I've been trying to ignore everybody's problems. It's like I just don't want to deal with any of it. I know what it's like to be around a problem-free enviroment and I just don't want to go back to pain, hurt, and anguish. And I've been building another wall around my heart. I try to stay away from feelings and the only person that has a key to get through is Jordyn. And I hate relying on depending on other people to feel better or to be happy much less relying on Jordyn to take on my problems and worries as well as her own. Some days I just wish would be over and some I wish that they would never begin. I wonder if life really is worth it. I've realized that I have to depend on medicine to make me happy...which is really sad and pathetic but oh well. I need it. I'd rather have to depend on it then be sad and depressed all the time. I think that even though she has done some horrible things and made bad mistakes, Jordyn is the best thing that has ever happened to me. If she didn't do what she did, then I wouldn't be who I am today. I know I say that about everything, but it's completely true. I wouldn't be who I am if nothing in my past would have happened. I just have to remember to expect the worst but hope for the best and to live for today, not for tomorrow or yesterday. I love you all even though I may not show it all the time. But if you ever need to talk, I'm here.
-Elaine
-It hurts to grow up. Have you ever heard that saying "I wish I was a kid again because I'd rather have skinned knees than a broken heart"? Well, that's how I feel. I'm heartbroken because I feel like I am failing my family, who has always been there for me and they always will be even if I'm not around. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE spending time with Jordyn and I love her but I just feel like I need to spend time with my family. But when it's time to hang out with Jordyn, it's like I don't want to be with anybody else but her. I know that's not healthy but I'm trying to work on that. I also have been ignoring my other friends. I need to do something with everybody but I just don't feel like getting back into all the drama. Over the summer, I died, basically. And it felt good. I didn't have one single episode of drama. It was really nice. You all should try it one day. But anyway, back to events.-
Oh yes, I got grounded because I used my mom's cell phone...stupid I know but oh well. Then Sunday I worked from 12-8 and Jordyn came and visited me and talked while I worked. It was great that I got to see her because she was grounded this weekend. Saturday, I worked and it was okay. I had to work in kid's which was a complete mess. Then friday I went to the Baxter Avenue Morgue...it was pretty good. I lost Jordyn's ring only because it was kind of loose and she kept grabbing my hand and it fell off. NOT MY FAULT. But she gave me another one. Then over the weeks I have...1.started smoking again 2.told my mom of mine and Jordyn's sex life, 3.her parents found out, 4.gone all over the city driving with Jordyn and everybody, 5.acheived a goal, and 6.helped people. I was also cheated on...
-How can one cheat on the one they love and then how can the person that was cheated on forgive that person? I don't understand it but it happened. It all went by so frickin quickly that I don't know how or why it happened the way it did. I'm just glad that it's over and that Timmy was honest with me. I want to trust her with all my heart again but I just don't know. I'm not scared to be alone because I've done it before, I just don't want to be. And I love her so much that I just can't let go that easily. IT didn't mean anything. She barely even knew the guy. I don't know though. I made the right choice even though sometimes I wonder what it would have been if I didn't. Would we still be friends? Would I still see her? Would her parents still like me? These questions I cannot answer. But I can answer other ones. I've been contemplating life again. Why do we do what we do? Once again I cannot answer but I can live and try to find out. My mom still has yet to find me a new therapist.-
My whole life, so much around me has happened but I just choose to ignore the fact that it exists. I hide it so I don't have to deal with it. And I've always been worried about other people, that I will put my life on hold just to help them. I know this also isn't healthy but that's how I am. I would rather see someone else happy then me be happy. But lately, I've been trying to ignore everybody's problems. It's like I just don't want to deal with any of it. I know what it's like to be around a problem-free enviroment and I just don't want to go back to pain, hurt, and anguish. And I've been building another wall around my heart. I try to stay away from feelings and the only person that has a key to get through is Jordyn. And I hate relying on depending on other people to feel better or to be happy much less relying on Jordyn to take on my problems and worries as well as her own. Some days I just wish would be over and some I wish that they would never begin. I wonder if life really is worth it. I've realized that I have to depend on medicine to make me happy...which is really sad and pathetic but oh well. I need it. I'd rather have to depend on it then be sad and depressed all the time. I think that even though she has done some horrible things and made bad mistakes, Jordyn is the best thing that has ever happened to me. If she didn't do what she did, then I wouldn't be who I am today. I know I say that about everything, but it's completely true. I wouldn't be who I am if nothing in my past would have happened. I just have to remember to expect the worst but hope for the best and to live for today, not for tomorrow or yesterday. I love you all even though I may not show it all the time. But if you ever need to talk, I'm here.
-Elaine