Yesterday
What happened yesterday? The third time. I thought those days of domestic violence were in the past. Remembering those days of flashing blue and red lights, police pounding at the door, and ... feeling the need for it to be other- Fleeing. I feel defeated. Most thoughts are of sadness of having to leave and ending this. The argument wasn't even that big- it barely just started. Voices raised and in a split second I have hands wrapped so tightly around my throat, squeezing, that I pass out. I didn't even fight back. I gave in to just make it stop. It felt like an outer body experience, like I was in a dream. I thought I died. I wish I was dead. My blood sugar was already nearing low so I am not sure if that is why my mind felt similar to those urgent lows where I can't think straight. But I what I experienced internally was chaos and confusion. Slowly waking up to being back in the fight being talked down to. There is no respect for me. I'm not loved and I am not heard. I can't even voice my side and I make up half of this marriage. If there was respect for me, like the kind I have for him, there would be more patience. I am patient and don't resort to flying off the handle like I did years ago. Before, I would snap and resort to being physical. Now I process internally and speak after some thought or don't speak at all. Keep my hands to myself.
Half assed apology. "Sorry. I know that doesn't excuse for anything." Go on. But he didn't.
I want to be stronger. I hang my head down in defeat. Knowing I didn't fight back. Kick his ass. Maneuver myself out of the choke hold. Now, more than ever, I want to build myself up. Take classes, exercise. Self defense. Dust off my Tae-Kwon Do black belt I left behind decades ago.
I have not forgiven him. Probably will not.