Trying
Really I am. I don't what deep rooted issues are causing me to struggle with this is new relationship but they are there. I am tracing back through each problem and it's lack of trust and loss of interest. (Not infidelity trust.) I've never had a real serious relationship, let alone being in a relationship for almost 4 years. I'm still learning me for God's sake. So, adding on another person is a... struggle. I'm not used to being vulnerable and someone knowing me inside of closed doors. I often think that I was designed to be alone.
I am an only child. I am spoiled, selfish, and needy. I'd rather walk away than being left. I want to be the one in control of my sadness. What worries me is how it's been less than 3 months and I have these doubts, get upset easily over little to nothing, and throw tantrums. It's going to wear him down and he will leave me. I am the toxic one.
You know how one bad thing can completely obliterate all the good that happened previously?...THAT PART.
He reassures me but in my mind: Nothing is guaranteed. If these things bother you know, what's it going to be like 6 months-YEARS from now? He says he wants to marry me but anyone can say that.. Am I right? I think that maybe with time I will see it and trust it. Like "Ok, I believe you now.." He says stop doubting myself. It's hard. Also, I'm on accurate, which definitely has a side effect of depression and suicide. Drastic much?
Anyways.. I say I'm working on it and I'm trying and he says that's not good enough. Do. I don't know what to do or where to start. I guess I need to schedule an appointment with my therapist.
Sometimes I wonder if it's going downhill from here. if I ruined it and there's no coming back. Where's my positive thinking self? Where did she go...?