you cowardly lion
i walk to campus often now. if i alot enough time in bewtwen to do it.
its very pleasant. nice. peaceful. i think alot about random things. lately i have been thinking about people i miss alot. each of them for different reasons. i think about how i want to call them. or send a letter. but i dont. im a coward. i jsut keep walking. on my walk they sound like wonderful ideas. but somehow ideas that are born on walks do not translate later in the day aka my life.
i always walk past the mexican people who live here with me in isla vista. they have sullen faces. sullen because they are digging thorugh my trash. i walked past one today, and there was a tiny boy running in the street with her. and in my walking thinking. i thought. i need to go to the bank. take out all of my money that i have. and get it in cash. as i walk by. instead of jsut looking, ill hand that woman a wad of twenties. and just smile. and keep walking. i thought, even if i am 200 dollars in debt on my credit card bill....even if i dont have any money to feed myself tomarrow. if i gave that woman that much money, that would make life for her so much more easier than she could ever imagine. but i dont. why? im a coward.
i will never in my life have to live like that i thought. and i still think now. why do i get to live like i do. there is nothing better about me than any other person on this earth. why do i get to live like this and people live like that. i am a spoiled little bitch, i think to myself.
i think of things that i picture myself doing to music. i picture myself dancing in grass all alone. with fiddle music. wearing a long skirt. twirling and jigging. but i dont do that. im a coward.
i think of kissing people. right on the mouth. surprizing them. being confident. but i dont. never do. becasue im a coward.
i think of driving far away places. traveling all around. i even though of going to iraq once. ohhhh these thinking walks. i thought, well i will be on the continent. what if i went to Iraq, and saw how it was for myself. i could take pictures. report. to some independant newspaper. i would go it alone.
i think of traveling in the US. i think of seeing concerts. all in a row. one after the other. following the band from city to city. but i wont do that. if im not a coward then i am broke as fuck.
i think of contradictions. all the things i need to buy but then think why do i need them?
and sometimes i think that right now things are soo good. soo good that i cant compare this moment with any other in my life. i need to revel. because strange things are afoot in the shape of plane tickets and forgien languages. strange meaning unfamiliar. unfamiliar meaning change and change to me meaning hell. i had better change my meaning of hell. because my stay in europe im expecting to be heaven.
and thats just too contradicting.
then once my little walks are over. once i have to turn off my music and face the world. actually communicat with the people around me....everything i thought about fades......to......black.......
and i am too much of a coward to ever remember or write them down.
except this time
its very pleasant. nice. peaceful. i think alot about random things. lately i have been thinking about people i miss alot. each of them for different reasons. i think about how i want to call them. or send a letter. but i dont. im a coward. i jsut keep walking. on my walk they sound like wonderful ideas. but somehow ideas that are born on walks do not translate later in the day aka my life.
i always walk past the mexican people who live here with me in isla vista. they have sullen faces. sullen because they are digging thorugh my trash. i walked past one today, and there was a tiny boy running in the street with her. and in my walking thinking. i thought. i need to go to the bank. take out all of my money that i have. and get it in cash. as i walk by. instead of jsut looking, ill hand that woman a wad of twenties. and just smile. and keep walking. i thought, even if i am 200 dollars in debt on my credit card bill....even if i dont have any money to feed myself tomarrow. if i gave that woman that much money, that would make life for her so much more easier than she could ever imagine. but i dont. why? im a coward.
i will never in my life have to live like that i thought. and i still think now. why do i get to live like i do. there is nothing better about me than any other person on this earth. why do i get to live like this and people live like that. i am a spoiled little bitch, i think to myself.
i think of things that i picture myself doing to music. i picture myself dancing in grass all alone. with fiddle music. wearing a long skirt. twirling and jigging. but i dont do that. im a coward.
i think of kissing people. right on the mouth. surprizing them. being confident. but i dont. never do. becasue im a coward.
i think of driving far away places. traveling all around. i even though of going to iraq once. ohhhh these thinking walks. i thought, well i will be on the continent. what if i went to Iraq, and saw how it was for myself. i could take pictures. report. to some independant newspaper. i would go it alone.
i think of traveling in the US. i think of seeing concerts. all in a row. one after the other. following the band from city to city. but i wont do that. if im not a coward then i am broke as fuck.
i think of contradictions. all the things i need to buy but then think why do i need them?
and sometimes i think that right now things are soo good. soo good that i cant compare this moment with any other in my life. i need to revel. because strange things are afoot in the shape of plane tickets and forgien languages. strange meaning unfamiliar. unfamiliar meaning change and change to me meaning hell. i had better change my meaning of hell. because my stay in europe im expecting to be heaven.
and thats just too contradicting.
then once my little walks are over. once i have to turn off my music and face the world. actually communicat with the people around me....everything i thought about fades......to......black.......
and i am too much of a coward to ever remember or write them down.
except this time