Excuse me think ive mistaken u for somebody else Somebody who gave a damn Somebody more like myself
That was such a lame entry to just put up on there especially since I don't update frequently. So I apologize, I just needed to put down the bizarre patterns of life and somehow deal with all that is on my mind.
I am a strong individual, a person that has come very far from who she used to be. I've dealt with alot of personal struggles and struggles that were out of my control. I have learned to be happy on my own through thick and through thin and I do not feel dependent on a male to be happy. It has taken me so long to get to this point, it has taken forever to wake up everyday and think thank God I am alive and that is just wonderful. It took me forever to just for one second not want to be crawling out of my skin.
But the fact is no matter how I continue to keep on living and although I do realize he was the worst choice for me, I still hurt and none of it hurts less. Even if I pushed for the breakup and even if in all honesty I can realize it wasn't me, but it was him in all his lack of emotions, it still hurts. When I went over thinking we might break up, I needed him to give me something back.. a facial expression, a comment, a tear, a movement of an eye.. just ANYTHING. His face didn't move, he said nothing.. he gave me nothing.. no pat on the back, no smile, no heavy breath, no sigh.. he just looked at me blankly. As I sat there feeling my heart breaking and releasing all the tears I had been holding in for a month, I realized that it was like talking to a wall.. but even a wall could have more expression. I just needed him to reassure me we could get through this bump, I needed him to want to fight for me, I needed him to tell me we should take a break or we should at least try to fix things since it was the first time we ever had addressed anything, I needed some sign of human emotion... but I got nothing. And as I walked out of there about to go out the door, I turned around to face him and I looked at him with my tear stained face and asked him if he was even sad, did he not feel anything? He just said to me blankly: I guess I just can't show my emotions.
And that was it thats how it all ended. That was the last time we spoke. I turned back around, walked down the stairs got into my car and drove back to school. He didnt want to make the effort, dealing with emotions were just too much. He was perfectly ok with giving up on us, the minute things got hard and we had to work to make things better.
Is there not anything worse than trying to love someone, who is incapable of loving?
It comes and goes in waves. I'll feel good and free then the next second I am crying and then I want to tell him I hate him and then in the next I want to beg for him to come back and just give us a try.. but it all adds up to that I really just want him to change, I want him to be someone he can't be. And I keep telling myself its better this way. I keep telling myself that if we had stayed together longer, it just would have gotten worse and I would have continued to be unhappy and would have continued to feel like I couldnt tell him how I ever real felt. But then here I find myself listening to "foolish games" by jewel on repeat and I just want him to hurt the way I do.
I am a strong individual, a person that has come very far from who she used to be. I've dealt with alot of personal struggles and struggles that were out of my control. I have learned to be happy on my own through thick and through thin and I do not feel dependent on a male to be happy. It has taken me so long to get to this point, it has taken forever to wake up everyday and think thank God I am alive and that is just wonderful. It took me forever to just for one second not want to be crawling out of my skin.
But the fact is no matter how I continue to keep on living and although I do realize he was the worst choice for me, I still hurt and none of it hurts less. Even if I pushed for the breakup and even if in all honesty I can realize it wasn't me, but it was him in all his lack of emotions, it still hurts. When I went over thinking we might break up, I needed him to give me something back.. a facial expression, a comment, a tear, a movement of an eye.. just ANYTHING. His face didn't move, he said nothing.. he gave me nothing.. no pat on the back, no smile, no heavy breath, no sigh.. he just looked at me blankly. As I sat there feeling my heart breaking and releasing all the tears I had been holding in for a month, I realized that it was like talking to a wall.. but even a wall could have more expression. I just needed him to reassure me we could get through this bump, I needed him to want to fight for me, I needed him to tell me we should take a break or we should at least try to fix things since it was the first time we ever had addressed anything, I needed some sign of human emotion... but I got nothing. And as I walked out of there about to go out the door, I turned around to face him and I looked at him with my tear stained face and asked him if he was even sad, did he not feel anything? He just said to me blankly: I guess I just can't show my emotions.
And that was it thats how it all ended. That was the last time we spoke. I turned back around, walked down the stairs got into my car and drove back to school. He didnt want to make the effort, dealing with emotions were just too much. He was perfectly ok with giving up on us, the minute things got hard and we had to work to make things better.
Is there not anything worse than trying to love someone, who is incapable of loving?
It comes and goes in waves. I'll feel good and free then the next second I am crying and then I want to tell him I hate him and then in the next I want to beg for him to come back and just give us a try.. but it all adds up to that I really just want him to change, I want him to be someone he can't be. And I keep telling myself its better this way. I keep telling myself that if we had stayed together longer, it just would have gotten worse and I would have continued to be unhappy and would have continued to feel like I couldnt tell him how I ever real felt. But then here I find myself listening to "foolish games" by jewel on repeat and I just want him to hurt the way I do.