Been a while
Alright so she turns to the livejournal to solve her life's problems, once again.
Things arn't going so well with Ben. I never thought I would have to say that. For so long I've been so happy with the fact that he's been the best boyfriend I have ever had. Now everythings ruined.
I don't even know what to say about what exactly is wrong. It's just like.. the feeling isn't right. There used to be this feeling.. of like.. perfection.. and now the relationship has gone down a few notches.. well maybe more then that. And I don't know where to begin with the blame. Now don't get me wrong, i'm taking the blame for this relationship. This one reminds me of Tim a lot.. except turned around. When me and Tim were dating.. those last few weeks were a lot of me trying to keep him and him not being able to decided what he wanted to do. Now, it's me who can't decide. And I feel really bad because I remember how horrible I felt when I didn't know if i'd be with him tomorrow or not. Every time I thought I had him back in my embrace, he was gone again. And I don't want Ben to feel like he has to work to keep me. SO I want to figure out what's going on with me fast and soon.
Once again, my insecurities play into effect. I'm so sick and tired of being unhappy with myself. SO MANY TIMES i've lied and said I was better but i'm never going to be am I? It's not just an excuse anymore. I don't remember the last time I sat down without a sweatshirt lying across my legs, or a time where even a slit of my stomach showed, or a time when I wore shorts in the past year or two. I fucked this up with my first love and I'm doing it again with what could be my last chance at love. But you don't know what it feels like to cringe at someones touch. And not because of them but because of the thought of them feeling your body. all I think about is what he's seeing and what he's feeling and what he's thinking.. and i can't ever enjoy his touch long enough to embrace it. There are nights where I'm better, and i let my guard down a little.. but that only makes the next few days hell. Because it's like my body goes into relapse.. striving to make up for it's lost time in being my # 1 enemy. And I'm sick of it! I've said this time and time again but I can't handle hating myself like this. It's not just insecurities anymore it's hate. It's gotten worse. I don't want to cry about it either. I hated those days where I'd come on here and cry about my insecurities. But it's gotten insane.. I don't care about what others think anymore either. Nice words arn't a quick fix anymore. It's not about what others think it's about him and me. And no matter what I cant handle the pressure. And I feel so stupid because I've been through this before.. how tell me how can i let this destroy a good relationship again? I mean im not saying it was the only factor in me and Tim's break up but it's deffinately a start at our break down.
If I do break up with him.. idk what I am going to do. I have no crushes and no interest what so ever in anybody else. And I've lost touch with most of my good friends. Bethy's always busy and the rest of them are just bring alongs. idk i'll be lost. and lonely. but maybe it's what I need. Im not sure.
Things arn't going so well with Ben. I never thought I would have to say that. For so long I've been so happy with the fact that he's been the best boyfriend I have ever had. Now everythings ruined.
I don't even know what to say about what exactly is wrong. It's just like.. the feeling isn't right. There used to be this feeling.. of like.. perfection.. and now the relationship has gone down a few notches.. well maybe more then that. And I don't know where to begin with the blame. Now don't get me wrong, i'm taking the blame for this relationship. This one reminds me of Tim a lot.. except turned around. When me and Tim were dating.. those last few weeks were a lot of me trying to keep him and him not being able to decided what he wanted to do. Now, it's me who can't decide. And I feel really bad because I remember how horrible I felt when I didn't know if i'd be with him tomorrow or not. Every time I thought I had him back in my embrace, he was gone again. And I don't want Ben to feel like he has to work to keep me. SO I want to figure out what's going on with me fast and soon.
Once again, my insecurities play into effect. I'm so sick and tired of being unhappy with myself. SO MANY TIMES i've lied and said I was better but i'm never going to be am I? It's not just an excuse anymore. I don't remember the last time I sat down without a sweatshirt lying across my legs, or a time where even a slit of my stomach showed, or a time when I wore shorts in the past year or two. I fucked this up with my first love and I'm doing it again with what could be my last chance at love. But you don't know what it feels like to cringe at someones touch. And not because of them but because of the thought of them feeling your body. all I think about is what he's seeing and what he's feeling and what he's thinking.. and i can't ever enjoy his touch long enough to embrace it. There are nights where I'm better, and i let my guard down a little.. but that only makes the next few days hell. Because it's like my body goes into relapse.. striving to make up for it's lost time in being my # 1 enemy. And I'm sick of it! I've said this time and time again but I can't handle hating myself like this. It's not just insecurities anymore it's hate. It's gotten worse. I don't want to cry about it either. I hated those days where I'd come on here and cry about my insecurities. But it's gotten insane.. I don't care about what others think anymore either. Nice words arn't a quick fix anymore. It's not about what others think it's about him and me. And no matter what I cant handle the pressure. And I feel so stupid because I've been through this before.. how tell me how can i let this destroy a good relationship again? I mean im not saying it was the only factor in me and Tim's break up but it's deffinately a start at our break down.
If I do break up with him.. idk what I am going to do. I have no crushes and no interest what so ever in anybody else. And I've lost touch with most of my good friends. Bethy's always busy and the rest of them are just bring alongs. idk i'll be lost. and lonely. but maybe it's what I need. Im not sure.