Happy Birthday!! Big Double 2!!
"I really wish there was some way to get sarcasm across to the reader..mainly in the subject line..
Happy new year and happy birthday!
Here's your present!: YOU GET A BREAK UP!
How can I prove that I am good enough?
How can I move forward when I am constantly being pushed back?
I try to be 'me' while also supporting my love's fantasies.
I forgive and I forgive. I give and I give.
For what? A big 'ol dumping on my birthday...
I have decided a while ago that I want to be with him and no one else.
I can look at a very attractive man while he is spitting the best game I have ever heard
and yet I am only thinking of the one that I solely desire to spend the rest of my life with.
Is it that hard to say that settling down happened earlier than expected in life so those young wild years are now to be shared with another?
It hasn't been hard for me..The only thing"
^^^^^^^^^^
This entry was from over a year ago. I had it saved so that the next time I logged in, I could finish it.
I'm glad I get to finish it now. And I hope the same reader I was directing the first, unfinished entry to is reading this new intended ending.
I came to livejournal to indirectly converse my ideas and reasonings to you for why I still feel love for you, for why I did what I did and how I said goodbye in so few words. I guess I'm also still confused and seem to have faint trails of your psychopathic fog lingering around my heart that I need to be free of. So here I am - talking it out from the depths of my soul, mind and heart. Maybe I'm wrong and you see things completely different. Maybe one day I'll see things the way you do. But I seriously doubt it. I only feel that way when I feel like I have no place to run. It was my habit and to run to you because we were together for so long. From the outside looking in- I can see that. Anyway, here goes nothing:
I loved you with an intensity greater than that of a black hole. And now it feels more like the counter forces within the sun. Still intense but confusing. I think this is because I still feel your energy and my heart longs for your kind, suave words and gentle kiss because you always know what to say and when to say it in order to calm me (or to distress me). You know me. From years of practice. But my brain reminds both my soul and heart of the immense pain and complete disregard of my feelings that they both have felt. And it is stated so clearly in my incomplete, saved entry above.
You can recognize when I am fragile and use it to your advantage. You cut my heart deeply and swoop in the fill those wounds in the same sentence. You destroy me as a person, make me try and squeeze into some box or cookie cutter you've designed. But alas! I will never fit (as you are well aware of). You design new boxes whenever I seem to get close to attempting to fit and it is always to your amusement.
You have never been my sacred love.
Our love has always been shared and broken with others you string along on the side, behind my back. Our bond was always that of pain. I grew to think and believe that I would never be worthy of your complete desire and love. Of your respect and faithfulness. That what you gave me was what I deserved. That was what love was. Indeed you also believed that was love. Control = Love. And with love, you could have your fun when I wasn't around. Then there was fun and laughter in your heart and mouth- it spewed over your tongue as you laughed in my face at my dismay. Then your fun was blatantly displaying how you would have such memorable moments with others that 'meant nothing to you'. You reveled in seeing me cringe and fall to pieces before your very eyes. It empowered you as a person and as a man. You tempted the camel's back with a new piece of straw whenever you saw an opportunity. But when you saw the camel's legs about to falter, you'd be just as quick to remove only a few pieces of straw in order to keep it trudging along as to carry your baggage. When I was at the bottom of the pit, with your face smiling down at me, laughing, you held the ladder of hope and grace just inches short of my reach.
This was your idea of love.
Sadly, it was mine too.
That is until I saw a light shine into the hole - my grave. It was beautiful and as it surrounded me and filled my heart with such joy, I realized that I was better than the crumbs I would receive from you. That the little pieces of love you would throw my way in order to keep me around for your status, housework, endless support, sexual needs, punching bag, confidant, etc, were not enough for me. That there was someone out there willing to give me all of them - not just a piece or a crumb. There was someone willing to love all of me and help put me back together even it was confusing at times and hard to understand/deal with. They would be willing to do that because I am worthy of that kind of love and desire. I always was and always will be.
That is Love.
I know that to you (and from what I so stupidly blurted out without thinking or feeling with my heart) this person - this light in my life - is not perfect. But they are perfect for me. They are so indescribably beautiful in all of their flaws because they see me as an equally beautiful and flawed creature. He loves me for me. I don't 'have' to do anything I don't feel comfortable with. I can be myself! When I'm goofy, crying, laughing or singing...I look into his eyes and see amazement and contentment, adoration and love. Those of which I never saw in your eyes. And when I thought I did, I was blinded by the lies you fed me in order to keep me right where you wanted me.
I do believe you love me. And at one time you didn't ever think you would have treated me the way you did. I believe you adored me and couldn't go five minutes without seeing me or speaking to me. But that was gone as quickly as it came. But you were so good at pretending that I made myself believe it was still there and your words were still true. I wanted them to be. How could you ever let them not be true?? I will never understand...
I'm sure this entry doesn't help you feel better or help you to understand. I can't help but still feel a longing to comfort you. I guess old habits die hard...
Damn you! Damn you for viewing me as an object to obtain and keep labeled as yours! Why couldn't you just be my friend and help me in my time of need without your lies and manipulation?? Why?!
I'm not even sure you realize how manipulative you are...or that you may even be a psychopath. You've said it yourself - that you think you're a sociopath. But you were wrong in your self diagnosis.
You are a psychopath.
A beautifully crafted, intelligent, talented, handsome, funny, clever, manipulative psychopath.
I hope you get some help and find someone to talk to. Regardless of what I've done to you and regardless of what you've done to me, I hope we can forgive each other. And my one request is you never great another girl the same way you treated me. Treat her like gold dammit! Treat her as if she could walk out that door any min. And if she tries, don't let her just walk away if you really love her! If you do let her go, don't try and ruin her happiness later on- let her go. Treat her like you never want to feel the sense of regret (as you do with/for me) about her. Never let her walk away or go to sleep crying and upset. Don't make her be someone she isn't and make her feel afraid of losing you if she doesn't comply. YOU should be afraid of losing HER every second of every day because you should treat her as if she's too good for you. Then maybe, JUST MAYBE you'll feel love for what it really is. It's not about possessions, fame and money. It's about feeling like you're floating on a cloud that gets a little stormy sometimes but never fails to stop floating.
I loved you. You will never be forgotten. But maybe (hopefully) I'll come back to livejournal, read this post and decide to forget and forgive.
"May your neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
Heaven accept you,
And angels protect you"
<3
http://youtu.be/7Ev_qQo-WJA
Happy new year and happy birthday!
Here's your present!: YOU GET A BREAK UP!
How can I prove that I am good enough?
How can I move forward when I am constantly being pushed back?
I try to be 'me' while also supporting my love's fantasies.
I forgive and I forgive. I give and I give.
For what? A big 'ol dumping on my birthday...
I have decided a while ago that I want to be with him and no one else.
I can look at a very attractive man while he is spitting the best game I have ever heard
and yet I am only thinking of the one that I solely desire to spend the rest of my life with.
Is it that hard to say that settling down happened earlier than expected in life so those young wild years are now to be shared with another?
It hasn't been hard for me..The only thing"
^^^^^^^^^^
This entry was from over a year ago. I had it saved so that the next time I logged in, I could finish it.
I'm glad I get to finish it now. And I hope the same reader I was directing the first, unfinished entry to is reading this new intended ending.
I came to livejournal to indirectly converse my ideas and reasonings to you for why I still feel love for you, for why I did what I did and how I said goodbye in so few words. I guess I'm also still confused and seem to have faint trails of your psychopathic fog lingering around my heart that I need to be free of. So here I am - talking it out from the depths of my soul, mind and heart. Maybe I'm wrong and you see things completely different. Maybe one day I'll see things the way you do. But I seriously doubt it. I only feel that way when I feel like I have no place to run. It was my habit and to run to you because we were together for so long. From the outside looking in- I can see that. Anyway, here goes nothing:
I loved you with an intensity greater than that of a black hole. And now it feels more like the counter forces within the sun. Still intense but confusing. I think this is because I still feel your energy and my heart longs for your kind, suave words and gentle kiss because you always know what to say and when to say it in order to calm me (or to distress me). You know me. From years of practice. But my brain reminds both my soul and heart of the immense pain and complete disregard of my feelings that they both have felt. And it is stated so clearly in my incomplete, saved entry above.
You can recognize when I am fragile and use it to your advantage. You cut my heart deeply and swoop in the fill those wounds in the same sentence. You destroy me as a person, make me try and squeeze into some box or cookie cutter you've designed. But alas! I will never fit (as you are well aware of). You design new boxes whenever I seem to get close to attempting to fit and it is always to your amusement.
You have never been my sacred love.
Our love has always been shared and broken with others you string along on the side, behind my back. Our bond was always that of pain. I grew to think and believe that I would never be worthy of your complete desire and love. Of your respect and faithfulness. That what you gave me was what I deserved. That was what love was. Indeed you also believed that was love. Control = Love. And with love, you could have your fun when I wasn't around. Then there was fun and laughter in your heart and mouth- it spewed over your tongue as you laughed in my face at my dismay. Then your fun was blatantly displaying how you would have such memorable moments with others that 'meant nothing to you'. You reveled in seeing me cringe and fall to pieces before your very eyes. It empowered you as a person and as a man. You tempted the camel's back with a new piece of straw whenever you saw an opportunity. But when you saw the camel's legs about to falter, you'd be just as quick to remove only a few pieces of straw in order to keep it trudging along as to carry your baggage. When I was at the bottom of the pit, with your face smiling down at me, laughing, you held the ladder of hope and grace just inches short of my reach.
This was your idea of love.
Sadly, it was mine too.
That is until I saw a light shine into the hole - my grave. It was beautiful and as it surrounded me and filled my heart with such joy, I realized that I was better than the crumbs I would receive from you. That the little pieces of love you would throw my way in order to keep me around for your status, housework, endless support, sexual needs, punching bag, confidant, etc, were not enough for me. That there was someone out there willing to give me all of them - not just a piece or a crumb. There was someone willing to love all of me and help put me back together even it was confusing at times and hard to understand/deal with. They would be willing to do that because I am worthy of that kind of love and desire. I always was and always will be.
That is Love.
I know that to you (and from what I so stupidly blurted out without thinking or feeling with my heart) this person - this light in my life - is not perfect. But they are perfect for me. They are so indescribably beautiful in all of their flaws because they see me as an equally beautiful and flawed creature. He loves me for me. I don't 'have' to do anything I don't feel comfortable with. I can be myself! When I'm goofy, crying, laughing or singing...I look into his eyes and see amazement and contentment, adoration and love. Those of which I never saw in your eyes. And when I thought I did, I was blinded by the lies you fed me in order to keep me right where you wanted me.
I do believe you love me. And at one time you didn't ever think you would have treated me the way you did. I believe you adored me and couldn't go five minutes without seeing me or speaking to me. But that was gone as quickly as it came. But you were so good at pretending that I made myself believe it was still there and your words were still true. I wanted them to be. How could you ever let them not be true?? I will never understand...
I'm sure this entry doesn't help you feel better or help you to understand. I can't help but still feel a longing to comfort you. I guess old habits die hard...
Damn you! Damn you for viewing me as an object to obtain and keep labeled as yours! Why couldn't you just be my friend and help me in my time of need without your lies and manipulation?? Why?!
I'm not even sure you realize how manipulative you are...or that you may even be a psychopath. You've said it yourself - that you think you're a sociopath. But you were wrong in your self diagnosis.
You are a psychopath.
A beautifully crafted, intelligent, talented, handsome, funny, clever, manipulative psychopath.
I hope you get some help and find someone to talk to. Regardless of what I've done to you and regardless of what you've done to me, I hope we can forgive each other. And my one request is you never great another girl the same way you treated me. Treat her like gold dammit! Treat her as if she could walk out that door any min. And if she tries, don't let her just walk away if you really love her! If you do let her go, don't try and ruin her happiness later on- let her go. Treat her like you never want to feel the sense of regret (as you do with/for me) about her. Never let her walk away or go to sleep crying and upset. Don't make her be someone she isn't and make her feel afraid of losing you if she doesn't comply. YOU should be afraid of losing HER every second of every day because you should treat her as if she's too good for you. Then maybe, JUST MAYBE you'll feel love for what it really is. It's not about possessions, fame and money. It's about feeling like you're floating on a cloud that gets a little stormy sometimes but never fails to stop floating.
I loved you. You will never be forgotten. But maybe (hopefully) I'll come back to livejournal, read this post and decide to forget and forgive.
"May your neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
Heaven accept you,
And angels protect you"
<3
http://youtu.be/7Ev_qQo-WJA