next stop: pulitzer
remember that article i wrote for CROQ zine in August? well i received my comp copy yesterday so this means that i can now reveal my article. i am such an exhibitionist. the zine is a great one and i am really proud of my first published piece. i also love that my byline includes the words "baking" and "television". i wouldn't have it any other way!
30 Days to a New You? I Think Not: Embracing Mediocrity and How You Can Achieve Such an Underachievement
It started when I was 12 years old and hasn't stopped since. I AM ADDICTED TO WOMEN'S MAGAZINES. I am not a fashionista, nor do I subscribe to most of the products that magazines continuously whore to the masses, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE the sense of hope that women's magazines offer. Flatten your belly in 3 weeks? Sounds great! 6 Months to a Better Career? Where do I sign up? How to Become the Sweetest Piece
of Ass This Side of the Mississippi? Why, yes, I'd like some of that, please. I like it when these articles give you steps and lists and day-by-day guides for becoming a better you. I like the orderliness of it all; how these plans are neat and tidy and hopeful! So hopeful. It's like I can see
the light bulb go off over my head. OF COURSE MY LIFE WILL MAKE SENSE ONCE MY BELLY IS FLAT.
Yes, this is my everyday rationale.
But I am not a dumb woman. After the initial high that follows reading these articles, I am immediately brought back down to Earth. The desire to do sit-ups is replaced by the desire to watch Dog: The Bounty Hunter in my underwear. My resolve to update my resume is quickly exchanged by my love of Cheetos and abhorrent (and delicious) Chicklit. The plans I had to run that 5k today? Make that 7 layer cake? Phone each of my friends to tell them I love them? All
replaced by the simple and indisputable fact that I am lazy, flawed, and mediocre, and - by golly - I am OK with that. So would you be so kind as to pass the remote control?
Indeed, I have come to accept my inherent mediocrity. In fact, I have embraced it. It's very Buddhist when you think about it. Buddhism is all about kindness and awareness and achieving zen, but it is also about accepting your life, as it is (that means the jealousy, the cellulite, and the nose-picking) right this very minute. Buddha is the guy who said "How wonderful! How wonderful! Everything is perfect
exactly as it is!" And I'm the girl who says "How wonderful! How wonderful! MTV is running a Laguna Beach marathon!" See? Buddha would approve. So why don't you?
As stated above, I am an absolute slut for lists and guides and step-by-step action plans. In keeping with this theme, I present to you: Five Delicious Ways You Can Stop Trying to Improve and Start Trying to Accept, or, It's OK To Eat an Entire Pie Every Once In A While
STEP ONE: Put aside the to-do list, if only for one day. It is a busy world and there are so many things to accomplish. But if you have a day to spare (please tell me you have at least one spare day), I recommend doing it without a plan. See where the wind takes you, y'know? And if it happens to take you to a coffee shop where you will spend the entire day
drinking chai lattes (lucky!) and reading Pride and Prejudice
(Darcy, you delicious beast!), then so be it.
STEP TWO: Go Incommunicado. I often get overwhelmed with all of the emails and phone calls I need to respond to, and I am not even that popular, so I can only imagine how overwhelmed well-liked people get with all of the correspondence that is due. It is OK if you let a few days pass without emailing your close friends. But that middle-aged balding man you've been having cybersex with? Yeah, he may not be so happy with the lack of communication.
STEP THREE: What is your favourite meal? Or your favourite ritual that involves a meal? I really love eating an entire box of Kraft Dinner while watching Big Brother. And I also love to spend an evening baking scones and then drinking tea and pretending I am British and quaint. If there is one mantra by which I wholeheartedly abide, it is that FOOD IS GOOD, SO EAT MORE OF IT. I am convinced that one's quality of life and well-being is in direct correlation to how fully they accept the food they love. Of course if you eat corn dogs morning, noon, and night, you may get a bit tubsy, but in moderation, it's all good (But, seriously, corn dogs? Are you sure you don't want to rethink this decision?).
STEP FOUR: A wise man once said "mo' money, mo' problems", and he was right. You may be unhappy with your current financial situation, but if you are reading this, that means you are able to spend $4 on an independent publication, which means that you really aren't that bad off, are you? So now's the time to stop dreaming of winning the lottery and start
being happy with what you've got. Make a budget, figure out how much is expendable, and enjoy the fact that you can afford a corn dog.
STEP FIVE: Don't be embarrassed. Sometimes when I tell people that I spent the previous night watching 4 hours of reality television and eating peanut butter straight out of the jar, they are all like "that is a lot of effing reality television! and didn't you have at least some toast to put that peanut butter on?". My brother is the worst. He is always turning his nose up at television, gossip magazines, pre-packaged foods and basically everything that makes the modern world great and righteous. As far as I am concerned, it is his loss. Plus everyone knows that peanut butter tastes best straight from the jar, anyway.
So keep watching that forgettable television, keep spending days in your expandable pants, and keep eating those corn dogs. As long as you enjoy it, why feel guilty? Don't get me wrong. I will still be buying women's magazines because I am obsessed with the theory of self-improvement. But in practice? I am happy to accept my life for what it is: filled with my cat, Dr. Snuggles; my addiction to Gilmore
Girls and reality television; and my overwhelming desire to have cybersex with middle-aged fat men.
30 Days to a New You? I Think Not: Embracing Mediocrity and How You Can Achieve Such an Underachievement
It started when I was 12 years old and hasn't stopped since. I AM ADDICTED TO WOMEN'S MAGAZINES. I am not a fashionista, nor do I subscribe to most of the products that magazines continuously whore to the masses, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE the sense of hope that women's magazines offer. Flatten your belly in 3 weeks? Sounds great! 6 Months to a Better Career? Where do I sign up? How to Become the Sweetest Piece
of Ass This Side of the Mississippi? Why, yes, I'd like some of that, please. I like it when these articles give you steps and lists and day-by-day guides for becoming a better you. I like the orderliness of it all; how these plans are neat and tidy and hopeful! So hopeful. It's like I can see
the light bulb go off over my head. OF COURSE MY LIFE WILL MAKE SENSE ONCE MY BELLY IS FLAT.
Yes, this is my everyday rationale.
But I am not a dumb woman. After the initial high that follows reading these articles, I am immediately brought back down to Earth. The desire to do sit-ups is replaced by the desire to watch Dog: The Bounty Hunter in my underwear. My resolve to update my resume is quickly exchanged by my love of Cheetos and abhorrent (and delicious) Chicklit. The plans I had to run that 5k today? Make that 7 layer cake? Phone each of my friends to tell them I love them? All
replaced by the simple and indisputable fact that I am lazy, flawed, and mediocre, and - by golly - I am OK with that. So would you be so kind as to pass the remote control?
Indeed, I have come to accept my inherent mediocrity. In fact, I have embraced it. It's very Buddhist when you think about it. Buddhism is all about kindness and awareness and achieving zen, but it is also about accepting your life, as it is (that means the jealousy, the cellulite, and the nose-picking) right this very minute. Buddha is the guy who said "How wonderful! How wonderful! Everything is perfect
exactly as it is!" And I'm the girl who says "How wonderful! How wonderful! MTV is running a Laguna Beach marathon!" See? Buddha would approve. So why don't you?
As stated above, I am an absolute slut for lists and guides and step-by-step action plans. In keeping with this theme, I present to you: Five Delicious Ways You Can Stop Trying to Improve and Start Trying to Accept, or, It's OK To Eat an Entire Pie Every Once In A While
STEP ONE: Put aside the to-do list, if only for one day. It is a busy world and there are so many things to accomplish. But if you have a day to spare (please tell me you have at least one spare day), I recommend doing it without a plan. See where the wind takes you, y'know? And if it happens to take you to a coffee shop where you will spend the entire day
drinking chai lattes (lucky!) and reading Pride and Prejudice
(Darcy, you delicious beast!), then so be it.
STEP TWO: Go Incommunicado. I often get overwhelmed with all of the emails and phone calls I need to respond to, and I am not even that popular, so I can only imagine how overwhelmed well-liked people get with all of the correspondence that is due. It is OK if you let a few days pass without emailing your close friends. But that middle-aged balding man you've been having cybersex with? Yeah, he may not be so happy with the lack of communication.
STEP THREE: What is your favourite meal? Or your favourite ritual that involves a meal? I really love eating an entire box of Kraft Dinner while watching Big Brother. And I also love to spend an evening baking scones and then drinking tea and pretending I am British and quaint. If there is one mantra by which I wholeheartedly abide, it is that FOOD IS GOOD, SO EAT MORE OF IT. I am convinced that one's quality of life and well-being is in direct correlation to how fully they accept the food they love. Of course if you eat corn dogs morning, noon, and night, you may get a bit tubsy, but in moderation, it's all good (But, seriously, corn dogs? Are you sure you don't want to rethink this decision?).
STEP FOUR: A wise man once said "mo' money, mo' problems", and he was right. You may be unhappy with your current financial situation, but if you are reading this, that means you are able to spend $4 on an independent publication, which means that you really aren't that bad off, are you? So now's the time to stop dreaming of winning the lottery and start
being happy with what you've got. Make a budget, figure out how much is expendable, and enjoy the fact that you can afford a corn dog.
STEP FIVE: Don't be embarrassed. Sometimes when I tell people that I spent the previous night watching 4 hours of reality television and eating peanut butter straight out of the jar, they are all like "that is a lot of effing reality television! and didn't you have at least some toast to put that peanut butter on?". My brother is the worst. He is always turning his nose up at television, gossip magazines, pre-packaged foods and basically everything that makes the modern world great and righteous. As far as I am concerned, it is his loss. Plus everyone knows that peanut butter tastes best straight from the jar, anyway.
So keep watching that forgettable television, keep spending days in your expandable pants, and keep eating those corn dogs. As long as you enjoy it, why feel guilty? Don't get me wrong. I will still be buying women's magazines because I am obsessed with the theory of self-improvement. But in practice? I am happy to accept my life for what it is: filled with my cat, Dr. Snuggles; my addiction to Gilmore
Girls and reality television; and my overwhelming desire to have cybersex with middle-aged fat men.