THIS IS FOR MYSELF AND TO THOSE I LOVE MOST
"don't change your mind when alls been won
your words in time with the loss that you'd let them go
don't let them fall if your grips not strong
in time decide... with the words you should let them go"
I've been going through so much in the past...what...i have no fucking idea...for what seems like forever....it varies day to day....well honestly...it varies moment to moment.
im scared of not knowing how to feel certain things anymore. im scared about the future. im trying to get everything straight...and in this moment....i feel okay. im sure this means nothing to anyone...and those closest to me, know and i can only hope can understand how hard of a time this is for me.
im still trying to figure everything out...as we do with everything in life....but im still trying to figure out what im going to do today, and tomorrow....and get by. im counting on the love and support (and a damn good cell phone) to help me through this. thank you to those who have been there....before...now...and who will be in the future....this is the only thing that keeps me holding on.
on a lighter note--as things change...i finally ordered my new cell phone...which to me, couldnt make me any happier right in this moment. it will be in my hands in 5 days....
RYAN & ROB--thank you. thank you for setting some limits for this weekend...i think it will all do us some good.
ONIAS--i cant say anything else to you that i havent already been spilling. you just listen, and i know its all you can do...and i know im a pain in the ass....but in all sincerity....it means more to me than you could ever grasp that i have you to at least try to understand things with. with life in general, and with both our lives. thank you....and you know...this weekend, you are a part of it. we shall talk more tonight...pick u up around 10...
BORA--I'd not like to put you last in this post...but i guess i feel like ive been completely shitty and let us slip apart...even if actual time has been 1 month. I love you more than anything...i need to not say it anymore. but ive really upset myself with the fact that i havent kept up with you...and everything in your life. we talked every day....and now that has stopped. i know its my fault....but please know...there is nothing i wouldnt give to get that friendship back. i know things change...but you will always be in my life....apart of it, somehow, someway. i will be talking to you soon. until then....thank you for your understanding as well....and best of luck on your date!
PS. there is one person i am concerned about...and im gonna have to let him go. this hurts me....this saddens me. more so that i cant get attatched. fuck. im scared for you...and i cant be there if the worst were to happen. and i know all that can come of this is me getting hurt...despite the fact that i know this now...it does not matter. i am going to have to force myself to pull away....its hard.....
if i could find that good person for me right now....i need him to find me soon....im tired of this feeling....im tired of things not working out...im tired of chaos...