The Call (hey. isn't that a song?)
So, I called him last night. After three hours of putting it off (only because I'd been at my grandma's house. It's practically my second home, ever since grandpa died. I don't like going there though. It feels empty. It makes me sad.) Anyways....So, I called him last night. Heehe. Um, I had practiced what I was going to tell him all day:
He was going to answer the phone. A little "hey-busy?-how-ya-doing" and then I would tell him how much he's changed and how horrible it is. I'd tell him how he's become an ass-hole and how much it hurts. I was going to tell him how he said he would always be there for me. Always. But he isn't there at all. My grandpa died and I couldn't even call him to find comfort in his voice and know everything would be ok. (Ya, that part does sound pretty sappy, but that was the kind of relationship we had. Not sappy, just close.) Then I'd say all the things I write about telling him in my LJ. How his friends changed him into something he's not. The exact thing he told all of us not to do. That's what I planned on doing, but nope. It didn't work. And I litterally said Goddamnit! (God, please forgive me for my sins....) X-]
So, I called (like I've been saying), and he answered. And there was that "hey-busy?-how-ya-doing" thing. But then there was more. It was just a normal conversation. And I realized that maybe he hasn't changed as much as I had thought he had. Or maybe he did change (as all people do), but it didn't make him an ass-hole. Talking to him made me want to not be mad at him. And even if I tried to be, I wouldn't be able to. (Aaronw has always had that special characteristic I could never find in anyone else. Where no matter what he does, if you talk to him, it makes it almost impossible to be angry at him. And it really sucks. Alot.) And after talking to him a few minutes, I thought it would just ruin the....something-ness of the conversation. I couldn't tell him. I tried and I tried. I tried really hard. But my mouth just stayed open and no words came out. Like always. That's what always happens. So, for an hour and some, we kept talking. Even though every five minutes he'd ask if I was going to tell him. And I'd say I was sorry (which was a reaction I for some reason developed. saying sorry.), and he'd say it's nothing to be sorry about. And that just made me not want to tell him. But I knew I had to. And I had told him it was important, so he wouldn't let it go. He said he had become curious. I asked if the reason he wanted to know so badly was because he was curious or if he really cared. He said "....it's both actually" (with the pause in front). That didn't help any.
At one point, in the begining, he asked me if I was doing this on purpose,(not telling him), and I asked him why I would be. "to add dramatic effect?" I asked (as humor, my weapon of choice in tough situations.) He said maybe. I asked him if I was really the type of person who does that. He said "I don't know." That kind of made me mad, since I had known him so long. "You don't know?" "Well," he said "people change." That was exactly what I had called to talk about. Say it! I screamed in my head. My mind was yelling at me, ready to explode. Say it!....then there was a long pause. Long. And he said....something. Darn it. I can't remember. But after he asked if I was going to tell him. (Say it!) "Well, you kinda just said it." (My mind said: you are such an idiot, but at least you said something. He isn't as stupid as you, so he should get it.) Ha. Haha. So, he said "I did?" and we went through the guessing game. I told him to think of what he had said. And he did. Everything except what I wanted him to remember. "Why don't you just tell me?" (Hello! That is what I have been trying to do! If it was so easy, I'd have said it long ago.) I don't think I acutally said that, but something close. He kept saying it was ok, but it wasn't. With either of us.
I didn't end up telling him. I couldn't believe myself. The conversation ended when his phone was about to die. "Why don't you just tell me now?" But it wasn't something (I thought) I could do in a few minutes. And at that point I really didn't want to ruin the nice-ness of the conversation. It was like old times.
I thought about calling him again, just to blurt it out. (Even though I can't think of a time when I could. I'm going on vacation tomorrow and tonight I will probly be at my grandma's house. again.) But if I did have the chance, or when I do call him, I'd say something like:
Aaronw, I called to that one night to tell you that you changed. And, ya, all people change, it's a part of life, but you changed. Alot. Into an ass-hole. I wanted to tell you how much it hurt me (and other people). I wanted to tell you how you've let your friends change you into something you're not. The exact thing you told us not to do. But talking to you, I realized that maybe you didn't change so much. Maybe I only assumed that you did because I haven't talked to you in, like, half a year. And while I was angry about you never calling me, I felt dumb, because I never called you either. Maybe you didn't really change into an ass-hole. Maybe you're the type of person who acts differently around different people, I don't know. But anyways, that is what I wanted to tell you.
When I look at that, it really sucks. But I don't know. He asked if anyone else knew, because it might be easier for them to tell him. But it wouldn't be easier for me. This is something I have to tell him. To clear my mind, I guess.
So, Kristina, if he askes, just tell him I'll tell him. He mentioned how he was suposed to call you, but didn't. I told him shame on you. He said, ya, shame on me.
God. This really sucks.
He was going to answer the phone. A little "hey-busy?-how-ya-doing" and then I would tell him how much he's changed and how horrible it is. I'd tell him how he's become an ass-hole and how much it hurts. I was going to tell him how he said he would always be there for me. Always. But he isn't there at all. My grandpa died and I couldn't even call him to find comfort in his voice and know everything would be ok. (Ya, that part does sound pretty sappy, but that was the kind of relationship we had. Not sappy, just close.) Then I'd say all the things I write about telling him in my LJ. How his friends changed him into something he's not. The exact thing he told all of us not to do. That's what I planned on doing, but nope. It didn't work. And I litterally said Goddamnit! (God, please forgive me for my sins....) X-]
So, I called (like I've been saying), and he answered. And there was that "hey-busy?-how-ya-doing" thing. But then there was more. It was just a normal conversation. And I realized that maybe he hasn't changed as much as I had thought he had. Or maybe he did change (as all people do), but it didn't make him an ass-hole. Talking to him made me want to not be mad at him. And even if I tried to be, I wouldn't be able to. (Aaronw has always had that special characteristic I could never find in anyone else. Where no matter what he does, if you talk to him, it makes it almost impossible to be angry at him. And it really sucks. Alot.) And after talking to him a few minutes, I thought it would just ruin the....something-ness of the conversation. I couldn't tell him. I tried and I tried. I tried really hard. But my mouth just stayed open and no words came out. Like always. That's what always happens. So, for an hour and some, we kept talking. Even though every five minutes he'd ask if I was going to tell him. And I'd say I was sorry (which was a reaction I for some reason developed. saying sorry.), and he'd say it's nothing to be sorry about. And that just made me not want to tell him. But I knew I had to. And I had told him it was important, so he wouldn't let it go. He said he had become curious. I asked if the reason he wanted to know so badly was because he was curious or if he really cared. He said "....it's both actually" (with the pause in front). That didn't help any.
At one point, in the begining, he asked me if I was doing this on purpose,(not telling him), and I asked him why I would be. "to add dramatic effect?" I asked (as humor, my weapon of choice in tough situations.) He said maybe. I asked him if I was really the type of person who does that. He said "I don't know." That kind of made me mad, since I had known him so long. "You don't know?" "Well," he said "people change." That was exactly what I had called to talk about. Say it! I screamed in my head. My mind was yelling at me, ready to explode. Say it!....then there was a long pause. Long. And he said....something. Darn it. I can't remember. But after he asked if I was going to tell him. (Say it!) "Well, you kinda just said it." (My mind said: you are such an idiot, but at least you said something. He isn't as stupid as you, so he should get it.) Ha. Haha. So, he said "I did?" and we went through the guessing game. I told him to think of what he had said. And he did. Everything except what I wanted him to remember. "Why don't you just tell me?" (Hello! That is what I have been trying to do! If it was so easy, I'd have said it long ago.) I don't think I acutally said that, but something close. He kept saying it was ok, but it wasn't. With either of us.
I didn't end up telling him. I couldn't believe myself. The conversation ended when his phone was about to die. "Why don't you just tell me now?" But it wasn't something (I thought) I could do in a few minutes. And at that point I really didn't want to ruin the nice-ness of the conversation. It was like old times.
I thought about calling him again, just to blurt it out. (Even though I can't think of a time when I could. I'm going on vacation tomorrow and tonight I will probly be at my grandma's house. again.) But if I did have the chance, or when I do call him, I'd say something like:
Aaronw, I called to that one night to tell you that you changed. And, ya, all people change, it's a part of life, but you changed. Alot. Into an ass-hole. I wanted to tell you how much it hurt me (and other people). I wanted to tell you how you've let your friends change you into something you're not. The exact thing you told us not to do. But talking to you, I realized that maybe you didn't change so much. Maybe I only assumed that you did because I haven't talked to you in, like, half a year. And while I was angry about you never calling me, I felt dumb, because I never called you either. Maybe you didn't really change into an ass-hole. Maybe you're the type of person who acts differently around different people, I don't know. But anyways, that is what I wanted to tell you.
When I look at that, it really sucks. But I don't know. He asked if anyone else knew, because it might be easier for them to tell him. But it wouldn't be easier for me. This is something I have to tell him. To clear my mind, I guess.
So, Kristina, if he askes, just tell him I'll tell him. He mentioned how he was suposed to call you, but didn't. I told him shame on you. He said, ya, shame on me.
God. This really sucks.