(no subject)
So last night I decided to try something new with Nate, and it was very interesting. It took a few hours to show any effect, but once he convinced me to go on an adventure with him, everything began to become better. I wasn't in pain, and i was sitting against this beautiful tree surrounded by nature with a boy who I love holding my hand, and I felt so safe and liberated at the same time.
I tried to cultivate the ground, but after loosening the soil I realized that I had nothing to plant, so I made a twig garden, and I played with the bark of the tree and felt the sap, it was amazing. Looking through the branches, I could see the moon glimmering, giving us just enough light to see what was around us. I lost all sense of time. It was so refreshing.
However, just like all good things end, so did my elation. Around 10 I was coming down and felt incredibly anti-social and angry. The pain had come back. While we were looking at the moon, I sorted through so many of my problems, and I was convinced that with my emotional problems lightened, so would my pain. I was wrong. As I was sitting in my fetal position on Nate's couch, I felt that tingling sensation go away, and with a shiver, my headache came back. I could feel the tension in my neck, and all I could do was bury even farther into my little ball. It was a good escape, but it was like someone was dangling happiness in front of my eyes, and I had it in my hands for a few hours, then they tore it away from me and left me alone to suffer once again. Pardon me if it sounds melodramatic, but this is just how I feel, and I shouldn't have to make excuses for how I feel or what I feel.
But I fell in love last night. I knew I loved Nate before, but he is a different person in my eyes now. I know in my heart that we are meant to be together right now, and last night was proof.
I can't think of anything else to say.
I tried to cultivate the ground, but after loosening the soil I realized that I had nothing to plant, so I made a twig garden, and I played with the bark of the tree and felt the sap, it was amazing. Looking through the branches, I could see the moon glimmering, giving us just enough light to see what was around us. I lost all sense of time. It was so refreshing.
However, just like all good things end, so did my elation. Around 10 I was coming down and felt incredibly anti-social and angry. The pain had come back. While we were looking at the moon, I sorted through so many of my problems, and I was convinced that with my emotional problems lightened, so would my pain. I was wrong. As I was sitting in my fetal position on Nate's couch, I felt that tingling sensation go away, and with a shiver, my headache came back. I could feel the tension in my neck, and all I could do was bury even farther into my little ball. It was a good escape, but it was like someone was dangling happiness in front of my eyes, and I had it in my hands for a few hours, then they tore it away from me and left me alone to suffer once again. Pardon me if it sounds melodramatic, but this is just how I feel, and I shouldn't have to make excuses for how I feel or what I feel.
But I fell in love last night. I knew I loved Nate before, but he is a different person in my eyes now. I know in my heart that we are meant to be together right now, and last night was proof.
I can't think of anything else to say.