Stagger. Falter. Fall and In Between.
I am asking way too much.
I can only imagine the look on my face after your revelation last night. I know how it felt, the tightness in my chest as if someone were pulling a lever that smashed my innards into my throat. The alternative opened up before my eyes as I squinted in the pale glow of a candle that had already burned for four hours. That road I had just finished walking crept up beneath the boulevard I was now on, breaking the surface with the abrupt crush of pink feet on gravel. Here I was again, wayward and frustrated, facing that same song and dance routine that I'm just so damn tired of.
"I wonder if I'm alone inside your head..."
Haha... And I knew that I was setting myself up for disaster right from the beginning. Perhaps I shouldn't be so dramatic, but damnit, I still feel a little burned. And her reasons for doing what she did seem genuine, albeit convoluted and ill-reasoned (at least from my perspective). Cryptic, I know. No one died, but I think I ended up hurt. I feel somewhat insignificant, even thinking about it a day afterward. And now I'm just a balled-up mess of knee-jerk reactions, promising to end it all and walk away and follow this road to nowhere... not because I know what I will find along this familiar route, but because at least I know what to expect and that's not a whole lot.
So where to go next? I'd be lying to myself if I said that my feelings haven't changed a little bit. They have to. It's a defense mechanism like that of a turtle pulling its body into its shell. Apparently my no-nonsense approach this time around not only failed, but was ultimately the wrong thing to do in the first place. I'm frustrated. I feel vulnerable. I just don't know... There's still such a large part of me that wants to write nice things to offset all the bad and the confusion on this page right now, but my eyes just don't want to read those things. Those words would be the apparent flaws in the shell of calloused, thickened skin that I'm attempting to grow right now. So my answer is to dedicate myself to my work and my upcoming vacation plans. I think I need to keep busy for a little bit.
I can only imagine the look on my face after your revelation last night. I know how it felt, the tightness in my chest as if someone were pulling a lever that smashed my innards into my throat. The alternative opened up before my eyes as I squinted in the pale glow of a candle that had already burned for four hours. That road I had just finished walking crept up beneath the boulevard I was now on, breaking the surface with the abrupt crush of pink feet on gravel. Here I was again, wayward and frustrated, facing that same song and dance routine that I'm just so damn tired of.
"I wonder if I'm alone inside your head..."
Haha... And I knew that I was setting myself up for disaster right from the beginning. Perhaps I shouldn't be so dramatic, but damnit, I still feel a little burned. And her reasons for doing what she did seem genuine, albeit convoluted and ill-reasoned (at least from my perspective). Cryptic, I know. No one died, but I think I ended up hurt. I feel somewhat insignificant, even thinking about it a day afterward. And now I'm just a balled-up mess of knee-jerk reactions, promising to end it all and walk away and follow this road to nowhere... not because I know what I will find along this familiar route, but because at least I know what to expect and that's not a whole lot.
So where to go next? I'd be lying to myself if I said that my feelings haven't changed a little bit. They have to. It's a defense mechanism like that of a turtle pulling its body into its shell. Apparently my no-nonsense approach this time around not only failed, but was ultimately the wrong thing to do in the first place. I'm frustrated. I feel vulnerable. I just don't know... There's still such a large part of me that wants to write nice things to offset all the bad and the confusion on this page right now, but my eyes just don't want to read those things. Those words would be the apparent flaws in the shell of calloused, thickened skin that I'm attempting to grow right now. So my answer is to dedicate myself to my work and my upcoming vacation plans. I think I need to keep busy for a little bit.