FIC: Uncertainty (Morgan/Reid)
Title: Uncertainty
Author: rowena_dawson
Rating: PG-13/FRT
Length: ~2,516
Pairings: Morgan/Reid
Warnings: Slash, hurt!Morgan, angst!, unbetaed
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I just play with them.
Spoilers: None
Summary: It's been a week since Morgan went to the hospital and Reid comes to a decision.
Author's Notes: Sequel to my story 'Unrequited' http://rowena-dawson.livejournal.com/3654.html but can be read as a stand-alone piece, I guess. Warning: this piece is FULL of angst. If you don't like that sort of thing, don't read it.
"Love is not a bandage to cover wounds." -Hugh Elliot
"To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides." -David Viscott
Reid had never seen Derek Morgan look so peaceful in his life. His eyes were closed, head resting comfortably and limbs outstretched.
He had also never seen him look so broken. There were tubes, monitors, bags, as well as bandages trying in vain to cover-up the damage. The bruises were still there and they might still be there for months after, Reid thought bitterly.
It had been a full week since Morgan had gotten shot. The team had purposefully chosen a case close to home so they could frequently visit. None of them had been there as much as he had though. He’d known because he would constantly fall asleep sitting up in the chair, only to be woken by Prentiss or J.J. who told him to get home. After some cajoling, he would leave for some food at a nearby dinner then come back.
The nurses started to wonder who he was.
“Son,” the attending nurse named Dottie said to a half-disoriented Reid, “we’re really only allowed to have family stay over.”
“Oh. But, uh, we are related.”
The nurse looked at the genius and Morgan before raising an eyebrow.
“I was adopted.”
“Clearly,” Dottie chuckled with an air of sarcasm and left.
“Nice one, pretty boy,” said a fragile voice in the hospital bed. Morgan was grinning from ear to ear.
“Oh well. I figured since the two of us were more similar in age, it would more logically be assumed…”
“Reid,” he protested, laughing, “You’re only making my brain hurt more.”
“Sorry.”
The injured BAU agent took a couple deep breathes before shifting. He winced in pain and cursed as he settled back into the bed. Reid noticed he was relatively tired after this simple ordeal.
Reid didn’t want to see this. He didn’t want to see Morgan, who he cared for dearly, suffer pain. He was the strongest man that he knew and now, he lay helpless in front of him. Morgan was weak and fragile. It didn’t suit the man.
It was almost enough to make him cry.
“So, how’s the team holding up without me?” Morgan said from the bed, “did Hotch kill anybody yet?”
Reid laughed for the first time in days.
“Not yet. Everybody misses you.”
Especially me.
Morgan smiled and it shone through the sickness around him.
“Morgan, I…”
“Hey there Chocolate Thunder!” Garcia came bursting in, followed closely behind by Prentiss, J.J., Rossi, and Hotch.
“Hey Baby Girl,” Morgan grinned wider, “how’s my sugar momma doing without me?”
“Missing you like crazy,” she cooed, “I might have to start making passes at the other members of the team if you don’t get out soon…”
“Get better soon,” Hotch deadpanned, “please.”
The team, including Garcia, started laughing uncontrollably.
“Are they treating you good in here?” Prentiss asked later.
“Pretty good, actually. The nurses sure know how to take care of a guy…”
“No more sponge baths for Agent Morgan,” J.J. yelled down to the nurse’s desk with a wink.
“Now wait a minute!”
Time passed as the team spent some time talking and laughing and keeping the injured agent company.
“Thanks everybody for coming. It really means a lot,” Morgan said to the team later, “Reid, were you going to say something earlier?”
Just that I love you.
“I just wanted to wish you better,” he finally said, getting up from his chair.
“Thanks man. I mean it.”
Reid managed a small smile before walking out of the hospital room.
****************
Spencer Reid was a firm believer in logic. Things happened for a reason and that’s the way it was. But, how was he supposed to tell his co-worker how he felt? He was straight, in Reid’s mind, and it would only change the dynamic of their relationship. He had always felt comfortable and safe around him. Would it change?
He groaned hopelessly and settled into his apartment. Then the drinking began. It started out with a couple shots of some alcohol he had been saving and ended up with him completely wasted from an entire bottle.
Maybe for a little while, it could keep reality at bay…
Reid woke the next morning to pounding. At first he thought it was only his head pounding, a result of the night before, but soon discovered that it was his apartment door. The pounding only multiplied and he groaned as his head felt like it was splitting open.
Hangovers were the devil.
“Reid!” a voice called, pounding on the door, “Are you in there?”
“Who is it?” he croaked, then burped, feeling the possible oncoming of vomit, “oh god.”
“It’s Hotch. Are you okay in there?”
“Uh…give me a second,” he croaked and blinked the extremely bright sun out of his eyes. Since when was the sun getting brighter? Was that even possible? Checking to make sure he was wearing something half-way decent, he stumbled over and unlocked the door.
He was the picture of dysfunction. From the circles under his eyes, to a drawn-out appearance, he looked like he was wasting away.
Hotch didn’t look amused, but he did look a little concerned.
“Reid? Were you out drinking last night?”
“Nope. I was here drinking last night,” he burped, “God, I feel horrible…”
“You look horrible,” he deadpanned.
“Yeah. Wait, what are you doing here? Isn’t it…Saturday?”
“It is. However, the team decided that since it is Morgan’s birthday, we’re all going to go over and visit him in the hospital. I couldn’t get a hold of you by phone.”
“Oh,” Reid slumped slightly on the wall, “you can go. I’ll stay and sober up, I guess.”
Hotch eyed him curiously.
“A week ago, you barely left his bed. Now, you won’t even see him.”
Reid’s eyes looked down.
“I’m not in the mood.”
“Obviously it’s more than that.”
“Don’t profile me, Hotch. I’m still a genius, even when I’m hung-over.”
“I’m not profiling you,” his boss replied, “it’s easy to see that someone is upset if they’ve been drinking alone and refusing to visit a close friend.”
Reid rubbed his throbbing temple.
“It’s…complicated. I really don’t want to go into it.”
“Obviously if something affects you work and mental status, I advise you to solve it. Face the thing head on. Because I also suspect that it involves another member of the team, I ask you not only as a friend, but a boss, to deal with it.”
Reid nodded.
“Good.” Hotch checked his watch. “I’m off to the hospital. I figure most of us will be there early this afternoon or so. Oh, and Reid?”
“Yes, sir?”
“Don’t think that Morgan didn’t notice how many days you spent in there.”
“Sir?” he felt his throat closing a little bit and his voice rising a little higher.
“You heard me,” he said matter-of-factly and left, closing the door behind him.
Did boss’ orders count as fate delivering itself?
**********
“Happy birthday Morgan!” The team crowded around his bed and laughed as he blew out the candles of a homemade chocolate cake. Garcia had comically put a picture of him in a cowboy outfit and those leather chaps that she had warned him about.
“Baby girl, what is this? How…what…?” he half-laughed, half was shocked. The team was in the midst of a serious round of snickers.
“Oh, I have my ways,” Garcia replied with a devilish look.
“Oh god,” Morgan groaned, “nurse, nurse!”
The team laughed and let him enjoy some of his cake before he shared it with everyone else.
“Where’s Reid?” Morgan asked a little later.
“He’s on his way,” Hotch said, “he got caught up with something so he might be in a little later.”
“Oh, okay. That does sound like Reid…”
“I must get going, my turtledove,” Garcia kissed his cheek, “but I left you a special birthday present in your desk when you get back.”
She laughed and walked out, with the rest of the team following closely behind. Only when they were finally all gone did he realize how much he had missed seeing Reid.
Morgan was conflicted. He knew that he always joked about Reid being around and annoying, but he realized today that he really did miss the genius. His mind went to something his sister had liked for a short time growing up. Something about a song that was about growing accustomed to someone being around and realizing how much they really meant to them.
He thought it might have been a show tune of some sort.
Now, he was stuck in this hospital bed and it was getting late. Reid hadn’t shown after the team had left like Hotch had predicted. Because of this, he was feeling a mixture of sadness, hurt, anger, and disappointment.
What the hell did that mean?
It was late outside and rain had started to pour loudly. He painfully curled up under a hospital blanket and tried to sleep.
*********
Reid was standing in the rain outside the hospital. No longer hung-over and docile, his heart was racing and eyes seemed to gasp as they took on the darkness. He felt numb and frozen in time as he looked up at the building above him.
He was so close yet, he felt as if he would never be close enough to express himself properly.
The rain was a welcome feeling, the feeling of being alive and cleansing the soul. He knew that the rain was simply water falling from the sky, but it didn’t matter. To him, the rain was a cleansing force, erasing the past and previously mistakes that were written on him.
He was shivering and shaking by the time he walked into Morgan’s room. Initially he was worried he wouldn’t be let in, but Dottie was on duty. She looked up from her paperwork to see a determined but shivering, wet young man. She looked at him for a moment. She nodded her head at him as if to say, ‘it’s about time,’ and then went back to her work.
He opened Morgan’s door at the hospital to find the man sleeping. Well, it wasn’t a surprise; it was three in the morning. Still, he didn’t really want to wake him up.
Morgan had him fooled.
“Morning Pretty Boy,” he yawned.
Reid smiled as the injured agent turned over.
“I hate these stupid beeping machines,” Morgan said disgustedly and yawned.
“I bet.”
Morgan smiled and tried to prop himself up. Reid stood at the foot of the bed, shifting weight.
The rain outside pattered against the windows and he couldn’t help but look out. He walked over to the window and placed his palms on the glass pane. The rain ran along the outside, palms tracing the lines.
“You know, I love the rain,” Reid finally said.
“Really? You gonna start naming all the facts about it?” Morgan smiled slightly. Reid turned slightly.
“Actually, it’s one of two things that I can never see logically.”
“Two?”
Reid took a deep breath. He made his way over to the side of the bed.
“Yes. Even with my genius brain, there are some things I can’t see logically. Rain to me is much more than just water droplets. It is the beginning of something new.”
“Wow. That doesn’t sound like you at all.”
“Yeah, well, there’s a lot people don’t know about me.”
Reid was now by the side of the bed. Morgan looked directly at him.
“So, what’s the other thing?”
The silence hung in the air as Reid felt his throat start to close. His hands started to sweat and his heart started to pound. He swallowed slightly and kept eye contact with Morgan. He couldn’t see what was going on through the other man’s mind at all.
“You.”
And he kissed him. Leaning over, he kissed the man he had so long strayed from, forbidden himself to try and express himself. Feeling no reciprocation, he pulled back.
So here was, above Morgan, soaking wet, shaking and utterly terrified.
“I…uh...I’m sorry,” Reid pulled back from him, tearfully.
Morgan’s hand came out of nowhere and stopped him. His hand caught his cheek.
“Whoa,” he said softly as his hand started to stroke his cheekbones, “where do you think you’re going?”
Reid swallowed hard as he leaned into Morgan’s touch.
“I…I didn’t know…that you…”
“I think…I always…kind of knew. I mean, we were so close before. I didn’t see it…didn’t want…”
Reid couldn’t wait anymore and kissed him again, shutting him up. This time, he leaned in and mashed his cold lips against Morgan’s. Tender skin against skin at first. He let his tongue wander in timidly and let Morgan devour his mouth entirely. The man was a god and moaned slightly as he slid his tongue into Reid’s mouth and wrapped his own around his. Tongues massaging tongues and wrapping around them. Morgan growled darkly. The sound went directly to Reid’s groin. He felt his blood rush and the heat wander through his face.
All logic was gone now and all he knew was he wanted more more more. More kisses. More touches. More everything.
Lacking air, Reid had to pull away, but only inches remained between their mouths. Their breaths mingled into each other.
“Damn,” Morgan moaned breathing heavily, “You are…so…amazing.”
Reid whimpered slightly at the words.
“I…I’ve wanted this...you...”
“Why now?” Morgan breathed back, still massaging Reid’s cheekbone.
“H-happy birthday,” Reid shivered slightly from the cold that was returning to him.
“You are freezing,” Morgan said and ran a hand through his wet, unruly hair, “come up here next to me.”
“What?”
“Lay down next to me. Cover up and get warm. It’s what these hospitals are good for, right?” he winked slightly and kissed Reid again, slower and pulled the man next to him on the hospital bed. If it weren’t for the fact that Reid was skinny and small, he would have easily been thrown off the side. As it were, he fit perfectly next to Morgan.
Morgan leaned to his side and let Reid face him on the other side. Reid helped the other agent with the blanket that went over them. Small kisses turned into long ones, with hands reaching everywhere and touching, touching each other.
“Mmm,” Morgan pulled back, “best birthday present ever.”
“It’s not your birthday anymore,” Reid said, smiling against the pillow and staring right into Morgan’s eyes, “but I think I’ll still take that compliment.”
“This…thing here,” Morgan said slowly, “what…what does it mean?”
“I want it to be more than just this once,” Reid said slowly, worry lines forming on his face, “I…need it to be.”
“I definitely can see that,” Morgan said and kissed him on the forehead, “you need to warm up; you’re freezing.”
“It’s raining.”
“I heard about the rain,” Morgan said, pushing the hair out of Reid’s eyes, “it’s supposed to signal new chapters in a person’s life.”
“Oh really? I think I like this guy.”
"Me too."
Morgan put a bandaged arm around Reid, who snuggled into him. Morgan never felt so at home in his life and Reid, never more wanted.
“When one admits that nothing is certain one must, I think, also admit that some things are more certain than others.” -Bertrand Russell
Another note: I had at least three or four different endings for this. This one seemed to be the best though out of all of them. Hope you enjoyed and leave comments for me!