(no subject)
Most strong emotions are triggered. Something happens that "pushes a button" inside of you and BAM!... the emotion happens before you even have a chance to think about it. But the fact is that these "triggers" have a structure to them. There are all kinds of little things that happen during that "trigger."
One of the biggest insights that I've had about these "triggers" is that they're usually caused by making something that happens MEAN something
negative. In other words, it's not the actual situation itself that "pulls the trigger" or "pushes the button"... it's what you think it MEANS.
For instance, let's say that you've met a great guy, went on a few amazing dates, and then he wasn't as quick to call you and make plans as he was at the very start. You wait a day or two, and he doesn't even call.
What do you usually think?
"Maybe he doesn't like me. Maybe he has a another woman. Maybe he's trying to avoid me. Maybe he's withdrawing like those other guys did in the past."
In other words, we make the fact that he didn't call back MEAN all these different things... women allow their imaginations to take over and imagine the WORST possible outcomes. Then they get nervous about that outcome happening and FREAK OUT.
The point is that most of us (men and women) use our minds to imagine the WORST possible outcomes for dating and relationship situations... and it pushes all the wrong buttons, and gets us all nervous and upset... which, of course, makes us screw everything up.
When it comes to men, it's important that you lose the need to make everything MEAN something... and STOP imagining the worst. Think about those situations when a man doesn't call you back, or plays hard to get. Yeah, thinking that someone is playing games sucks, but the belief that there's a "game" going on is exactly the kind of negative meaning I'm talking about.
If you immediately start to wonder where he is... what he's doing... and who he's with, you create the game in your mind. Then you make up pictures in your mind of him out with other women, doing fun things without you, etc., and it's really upsetting.
Bad idea.
This is the kind of thing that makes us do all KINDS of stupid things that scare the other person away... like calling 100 times a day, asking where he was and what he was doing, etc.
Instead, start doing yourself a favor and:
1) Visualize your ideal outcome.
2) Make POSITIVE meaning out of the experience for yourself.
If he doesn't call you back right away, imagine that he is freaked out with his own life and schedule (maybe his boss just threatened to let him go), and make it mean that when he finally DOES talk to you, he's going to be even MORE interested because it took you so long to catch up with each other
If he tells you he's not ready for a relationship right now because of his past, realize that he's first of all feeling that way because he REALLY likes you and has had to think about being in a relationship because his feelings are so strong. He's scared of his deep feelings for you and doesn't know how to deal with that yet. And that once he figures it out for himself, he'll miss you and want you... and you don't have to be there waiting around for him to grow up.
There's nothing wrong with you or how you are. And it's great that you got to see this problem of his early on, and that it's his to deal with.
One of the biggest insights that I've had about these "triggers" is that they're usually caused by making something that happens MEAN something
negative. In other words, it's not the actual situation itself that "pulls the trigger" or "pushes the button"... it's what you think it MEANS.
For instance, let's say that you've met a great guy, went on a few amazing dates, and then he wasn't as quick to call you and make plans as he was at the very start. You wait a day or two, and he doesn't even call.
What do you usually think?
"Maybe he doesn't like me. Maybe he has a another woman. Maybe he's trying to avoid me. Maybe he's withdrawing like those other guys did in the past."
In other words, we make the fact that he didn't call back MEAN all these different things... women allow their imaginations to take over and imagine the WORST possible outcomes. Then they get nervous about that outcome happening and FREAK OUT.
The point is that most of us (men and women) use our minds to imagine the WORST possible outcomes for dating and relationship situations... and it pushes all the wrong buttons, and gets us all nervous and upset... which, of course, makes us screw everything up.
When it comes to men, it's important that you lose the need to make everything MEAN something... and STOP imagining the worst. Think about those situations when a man doesn't call you back, or plays hard to get. Yeah, thinking that someone is playing games sucks, but the belief that there's a "game" going on is exactly the kind of negative meaning I'm talking about.
If you immediately start to wonder where he is... what he's doing... and who he's with, you create the game in your mind. Then you make up pictures in your mind of him out with other women, doing fun things without you, etc., and it's really upsetting.
Bad idea.
This is the kind of thing that makes us do all KINDS of stupid things that scare the other person away... like calling 100 times a day, asking where he was and what he was doing, etc.
Instead, start doing yourself a favor and:
1) Visualize your ideal outcome.
2) Make POSITIVE meaning out of the experience for yourself.
If he doesn't call you back right away, imagine that he is freaked out with his own life and schedule (maybe his boss just threatened to let him go), and make it mean that when he finally DOES talk to you, he's going to be even MORE interested because it took you so long to catch up with each other
If he tells you he's not ready for a relationship right now because of his past, realize that he's first of all feeling that way because he REALLY likes you and has had to think about being in a relationship because his feelings are so strong. He's scared of his deep feelings for you and doesn't know how to deal with that yet. And that once he figures it out for himself, he'll miss you and want you... and you don't have to be there waiting around for him to grow up.
There's nothing wrong with you or how you are. And it's great that you got to see this problem of his early on, and that it's his to deal with.