Part 3: Notes from the TNGC SEDS Education Meeting "How to Find A Dom" by Wilson
Part 3 of 3: Online Resources for Meeting People
1) Online Resources for Meeting People
a) Great way to meet people, if you are also willing to meet those people in person. It’s a good idea to have a presence both offline and online.
b) When you meet people at clubs or events, they very well may ask you what your screenname is on Livejournal or MySpace or OKCupid, etc. Can act as an extension of your in person networking
c) Having already created an in person network of friends, you know have the ability to bring people you’ve met online to meet them; you can see how the people you meet online interact with your friends.
d) Where to go online:
i) Alt.com: High volume, especially of people that are there solely for cybersex, webcams, and erotic emailing. Hard to sift through the “junk”
ii) Bondage.com: Not as populated, but people that are there tend to be pretty serious about the lifestyle. Consider entering in your profile that you are just looking for friends and not online communication, and it may lower the volume of junk
(1) Wilson said he will not talk to someone with cybersex or erotic email as an interest in their profile, because 99% of the time, that’s all they’re really interested in
iii) Collarme.com: Somewhere in between alt.com and bondage.com in terms of membership. Tends to be a younger crowd of people overall
(1) Comment from multiple audience members: tends to be younger in terms of the female demographic. Male demographic tends to be on the older side
iv) Craigslist.com: If you are looking for casual play, it might be a place to look. You will more than likely have to sift through a loft of spam and crap. Once you check it out for a while, you can often tell the good from the bad just by looking at it.
(1) Avoid any ad or profile that has just a couple of lines and no preferences listed
v) Swingers websites
(1) Good if you’re looking for a bi couple, increasingly becoming a resource for me.
(2) Adultfriendfinders.com, lifestylelounge.com
(3) Note that not everyone involved in swinging is into kink. May refer to kink related activities by name specifically, i.e. being tied up once in a while, hair pulls. They don’t necessarily consider themselves as being into kink.
vi) Social networking websites, i.e. livejournal.com, tribe.net, MySpace.com, OKCupid.com
(1) Comment from audience: OKCupid has a lot of kinky quizzes and if you take a lot of them, it automatically classifies your profile as kinky
(2) Less random than other sites. You’re meeting real people, and generally getting to know them, both in terms of kink and vanilla stuff.
(3) Can set your interests and group memberships/community memberships to kink related stuff and meet people that way
e) How to meet people online?
i) If you are a woman, you’ll meet TONS. Many women don’t post a picture at all to weed out some of the spammers
ii) Put some thought into your profile. It’s ok to say you don’t know if you’ll like this or that, doesn’t matter so much what you know as long as you’ve shown that you’ve given it thought
iii) When writing what you are looking for, be clear! Online relationship? Friends, casual play partners, eventually to a serious relationship, monogamous or non-monogamous? Personalize your profile so it’s about YOU
iv) Do not reply to people with form letters. Personalize your replies, or they will read like a form letter.
v) A good way to weed people out is to specify some random instructions at the bottom of your profile, i.e., all replies must contain the word “platypus” in the subject line. Then you will know who’s actually read the whole thing or not without reading each email.
vi) To increase # of views of your profile, consider adding a picture, or editing your profile periodically. For sites like alt.com, a profile will come up as a “new” profile if it has been edited recently. For collarme.com, if you stay logged in for long periods of time, you will pop up at the top of the list for people just logging in.
2) Overall advice:
a) Manage expectations and be even-keeled about the process. It can be a let down when it doesn’t pan out otherwise
b) When communicating online, you can gain or lose momentum easily. Consider your availability to reply and be clear about it by setting the expectations of those you are in communication with.
i) I.e., if you can only chat online for 30 minutes, express that and state that you would like to talk again later, then end the conversation at 30 minutes
ii) If you don’t have time to fully reply to an email, reply with one line saying that and give a general time frame when you will be able to reply.
3) Red flags and warning signs!
a) One line responses from people (generally indicate they are not serious)
b) If they are unwilling to meet at a club, even just to hang out
c) If they demand your submission immediately
d) If you’re told, if you’re a REAL submissive, then you’ll do _______
e) If he puts other people down, especially if he does so in order to prop himself up
f) If he tries to isolate you from others interested in BDSM, i.e. if someone tells you that you are “under consideration” and so you must cease talking to or associating with others in the lifestyle. Anyone who insists you can no longer communicate with the people of your choice, you need to ask why they would want that. This is typical behavior of abusers…
g) If he claims to have “years of experience” yet doesn’t own his own flogger or any other kind of BDSM toys of his own
h) If he cannot refer you to one person with whom he has played or one person in the community as a reference
i) If he refuses to provide a home address and doesn’t want you to come over (could be married)
j) If he continually cancels at the last minute (could be married)
k) Provides inconsistent information over time
l) Demands to meet for the first time in their home
4) Plan to be safe
a) Plan to meet publicly first and provide your own transportation.
b) Arrange for a safe call - a specific time that you will call a friend so they know you’re alright. Let them know where you’ll be and with whom.
i) Comment from the audience: First time you meet, make it clear that you are not going to meet to play (if that is your choice). Set the expectation before you go, and meet in a public place. Some people will expect you to be willing to play on first meeting
5) Don’t expect perfection
a) Doms are human and make mistakes
b) Don’t sweat the small stuff.
c) It’s ok as a sub for you to ask for what you want and need
d) Know the difference between fantasy and reality. Ordinary life intrudes on what we do all the time. Be prepared for that. And note that some fantasies are better left as fantasies
e) Remember it will take time, but you will meet people if you are willing to put yourself out there.
1) Online Resources for Meeting People
a) Great way to meet people, if you are also willing to meet those people in person. It’s a good idea to have a presence both offline and online.
b) When you meet people at clubs or events, they very well may ask you what your screenname is on Livejournal or MySpace or OKCupid, etc. Can act as an extension of your in person networking
c) Having already created an in person network of friends, you know have the ability to bring people you’ve met online to meet them; you can see how the people you meet online interact with your friends.
d) Where to go online:
i) Alt.com: High volume, especially of people that are there solely for cybersex, webcams, and erotic emailing. Hard to sift through the “junk”
ii) Bondage.com: Not as populated, but people that are there tend to be pretty serious about the lifestyle. Consider entering in your profile that you are just looking for friends and not online communication, and it may lower the volume of junk
(1) Wilson said he will not talk to someone with cybersex or erotic email as an interest in their profile, because 99% of the time, that’s all they’re really interested in
iii) Collarme.com: Somewhere in between alt.com and bondage.com in terms of membership. Tends to be a younger crowd of people overall
(1) Comment from multiple audience members: tends to be younger in terms of the female demographic. Male demographic tends to be on the older side
iv) Craigslist.com: If you are looking for casual play, it might be a place to look. You will more than likely have to sift through a loft of spam and crap. Once you check it out for a while, you can often tell the good from the bad just by looking at it.
(1) Avoid any ad or profile that has just a couple of lines and no preferences listed
v) Swingers websites
(1) Good if you’re looking for a bi couple, increasingly becoming a resource for me.
(2) Adultfriendfinders.com, lifestylelounge.com
(3) Note that not everyone involved in swinging is into kink. May refer to kink related activities by name specifically, i.e. being tied up once in a while, hair pulls. They don’t necessarily consider themselves as being into kink.
vi) Social networking websites, i.e. livejournal.com, tribe.net, MySpace.com, OKCupid.com
(1) Comment from audience: OKCupid has a lot of kinky quizzes and if you take a lot of them, it automatically classifies your profile as kinky
(2) Less random than other sites. You’re meeting real people, and generally getting to know them, both in terms of kink and vanilla stuff.
(3) Can set your interests and group memberships/community memberships to kink related stuff and meet people that way
e) How to meet people online?
i) If you are a woman, you’ll meet TONS. Many women don’t post a picture at all to weed out some of the spammers
ii) Put some thought into your profile. It’s ok to say you don’t know if you’ll like this or that, doesn’t matter so much what you know as long as you’ve shown that you’ve given it thought
iii) When writing what you are looking for, be clear! Online relationship? Friends, casual play partners, eventually to a serious relationship, monogamous or non-monogamous? Personalize your profile so it’s about YOU
iv) Do not reply to people with form letters. Personalize your replies, or they will read like a form letter.
v) A good way to weed people out is to specify some random instructions at the bottom of your profile, i.e., all replies must contain the word “platypus” in the subject line. Then you will know who’s actually read the whole thing or not without reading each email.
vi) To increase # of views of your profile, consider adding a picture, or editing your profile periodically. For sites like alt.com, a profile will come up as a “new” profile if it has been edited recently. For collarme.com, if you stay logged in for long periods of time, you will pop up at the top of the list for people just logging in.
2) Overall advice:
a) Manage expectations and be even-keeled about the process. It can be a let down when it doesn’t pan out otherwise
b) When communicating online, you can gain or lose momentum easily. Consider your availability to reply and be clear about it by setting the expectations of those you are in communication with.
i) I.e., if you can only chat online for 30 minutes, express that and state that you would like to talk again later, then end the conversation at 30 minutes
ii) If you don’t have time to fully reply to an email, reply with one line saying that and give a general time frame when you will be able to reply.
3) Red flags and warning signs!
a) One line responses from people (generally indicate they are not serious)
b) If they are unwilling to meet at a club, even just to hang out
c) If they demand your submission immediately
d) If you’re told, if you’re a REAL submissive, then you’ll do _______
e) If he puts other people down, especially if he does so in order to prop himself up
f) If he tries to isolate you from others interested in BDSM, i.e. if someone tells you that you are “under consideration” and so you must cease talking to or associating with others in the lifestyle. Anyone who insists you can no longer communicate with the people of your choice, you need to ask why they would want that. This is typical behavior of abusers…
g) If he claims to have “years of experience” yet doesn’t own his own flogger or any other kind of BDSM toys of his own
h) If he cannot refer you to one person with whom he has played or one person in the community as a reference
i) If he refuses to provide a home address and doesn’t want you to come over (could be married)
j) If he continually cancels at the last minute (could be married)
k) Provides inconsistent information over time
l) Demands to meet for the first time in their home
4) Plan to be safe
a) Plan to meet publicly first and provide your own transportation.
b) Arrange for a safe call - a specific time that you will call a friend so they know you’re alright. Let them know where you’ll be and with whom.
i) Comment from the audience: First time you meet, make it clear that you are not going to meet to play (if that is your choice). Set the expectation before you go, and meet in a public place. Some people will expect you to be willing to play on first meeting
5) Don’t expect perfection
a) Doms are human and make mistakes
b) Don’t sweat the small stuff.
c) It’s ok as a sub for you to ask for what you want and need
d) Know the difference between fantasy and reality. Ordinary life intrudes on what we do all the time. Be prepared for that. And note that some fantasies are better left as fantasies
e) Remember it will take time, but you will meet people if you are willing to put yourself out there.