Take my heart to the limit and this is where I'll stay
I usually don't like to write about dreams because I know that a lot of people find it boring. I know I usually skip an entry where someone goes on and on about some pointless dream. But I am not going to write about a dream, spell it out like a narrative, no.
I have been noticing a reaccuring theme in my dreams for....the last month or so. A lot of my dreams have had to do with; packing, unpacking, moving, school, homework, thinking I am failing classes, not knowing my class schedule, being behind on homework, things such as these.
I used to have tons of anxeity dreams about school while I was in school...and it took a while for them to go away, but now, I am out of school for almost three years and I am dreaming about school, and dorms, and moving all of the time? It is weird.
I think I know what it is about too...change. After I didn't get into the gradschool programs I wanted, after doing so horribly on the GRE even after studying (especially the math part) as much as I did...after feeling the whole failure thing I have kind of given up on my dreams of higher education. At this point I don't even know what I would go to school for, if I took the time to actually do better on my GRE, which I know I could it would just majorly suck because...well...first off I don't do well on standardized tests, never have. I think they are a fucking waste of time to be honest.. atleast things like the ACT, SAT and GRE are. I think it is rediculous that they allow a calculator for all tests coming up to the GRE but not on the GRE...it should be all or nothing, that is certainly not fair.
I have issues with the institution of higher learning in general. At least bassed off of my experience in undergrad. Undergrad too me seemed like an experience where you paid people to pretty much treat you like shit and make graduating as difficult as possible. They treat you like children even though you are an adult, make you jump through stupid hoops and follow juvinile rules...don't get me wrong, there are tons of wonderful things about college that I love...but it seems like something a motivated person can do on their own, if they had the time and the ability to support themselves.
But if you educate yourself you are missing one thing, a piece of paper. A stupid piece of paper pretty much means getting the higher paying job and the respect.
So...I don't want to go back to school, but I want what going back to school would give me. I want the knowledge, the forward movement, the money, the job, the respect. I don't think I can reach their stupid arbitrary standards though. But obviously, part of me really wants to go back to school.
I am so conflicted.
I have been noticing a reaccuring theme in my dreams for....the last month or so. A lot of my dreams have had to do with; packing, unpacking, moving, school, homework, thinking I am failing classes, not knowing my class schedule, being behind on homework, things such as these.
I used to have tons of anxeity dreams about school while I was in school...and it took a while for them to go away, but now, I am out of school for almost three years and I am dreaming about school, and dorms, and moving all of the time? It is weird.
I think I know what it is about too...change. After I didn't get into the gradschool programs I wanted, after doing so horribly on the GRE even after studying (especially the math part) as much as I did...after feeling the whole failure thing I have kind of given up on my dreams of higher education. At this point I don't even know what I would go to school for, if I took the time to actually do better on my GRE, which I know I could it would just majorly suck because...well...first off I don't do well on standardized tests, never have. I think they are a fucking waste of time to be honest.. atleast things like the ACT, SAT and GRE are. I think it is rediculous that they allow a calculator for all tests coming up to the GRE but not on the GRE...it should be all or nothing, that is certainly not fair.
I have issues with the institution of higher learning in general. At least bassed off of my experience in undergrad. Undergrad too me seemed like an experience where you paid people to pretty much treat you like shit and make graduating as difficult as possible. They treat you like children even though you are an adult, make you jump through stupid hoops and follow juvinile rules...don't get me wrong, there are tons of wonderful things about college that I love...but it seems like something a motivated person can do on their own, if they had the time and the ability to support themselves.
But if you educate yourself you are missing one thing, a piece of paper. A stupid piece of paper pretty much means getting the higher paying job and the respect.
So...I don't want to go back to school, but I want what going back to school would give me. I want the knowledge, the forward movement, the money, the job, the respect. I don't think I can reach their stupid arbitrary standards though. But obviously, part of me really wants to go back to school.
I am so conflicted.