Eating Pizza and Cheese Wraps ...
So, I know I haven't updated forever, and I might as well have abandoned this thing, but sometimes it's good to have someplace just to write down random thoughts that have occurred to you over the course of the day, whether from a strain of pensiveness, or from circumstance and occurrence.
This particular post comes from the latter: circumstance and occurrence.
It seems that EVERY single time I set my mind to something and focus on that something for one whole day, things speed up immediately and with extreme velocity. It doesn't matter if I have been preoccupied with this thing for months in advance, because for those months in advance, my attention has been sporadic. But on that ONE day, which I focus completely on the thing, everything changes. Without fail, that one day always turns into the last day of the wait before things really start moving.
For instance, after thinking a little about taking art classes for roughly a year, one random day I decided to look up art colleges and universities. That whole day I focused my efforts and my attentions on the research of these schools, and for the next few days, the process suddenly felt like a highspeed train. In the end I decided to get off that train, and it didn't really take me anywhere besides giving me the experience of it, which has helped me in other things, but it is a good example for what I am trying to relate.
For the past few months, I have been looking for a job. Sporadically, yes, but still looking. I filled out a couple applications online - nothing big. For the past month or few weeks, I have been looking with just a little more enthusiasm, and I have spent bits of days here or there focusing more singly on the process of job hunting. Then, just yesterday, I went out with Dad to drop off a resume, thought about different job opportunities all day, prayed constantly, and simply focused on the situation, and that evening I filled out four different applications.
Also, I have had my permit for several months now, and have been practicing often, but not constantly. Yesterday, I got to practice again, and then I did my first real-life with (real cars on a real street lol) parallel parking job. I did a really good job for someone who's never parallel parked for real before (just with boxes or other obstacles in our driveway or a random abandoned parking lot).
And suddenly, today has been mad. I worked out with Dad this morning like I always do Wednesday and Friday mornings, and then I was getting ready for a shower, when Appletree (the daycare that my mom and my sister work at) called for me. Keep in mind, Dad hasn't even dropped off most of the applications that I filled out last night - they're still sitting on his desk! But Cynthia took my Appletree one in for me when she went in to work, and the director called immediately and asked if I could come in for an interview. "Today?" I asked skeptically. "If you can. Around 3?" "Well, my Dad will be gone teaching classes at Cornerstone ... but I could walk there if you wanted." "Okay, well. will tomorrow work better for you?" "Thursday? Yeah, it should be great." 'Okay, is eleven fine?" "Yup." "I'll schedule you in for eleven tomorrow then. Thanks, Rachel!"
So now I have an interview at Appletree, and when Mom came home from work she told me that they'll probably hire me right away and want me working within a week or so. She thinks that one of the girls is quitting and they need someone to replace her immediately, and probably full-time right off the bat. Apparently that morning, even before Cynthia came in with my application, Meagan (the director), who had just gotten done with another interview for the opening position, had asked Mom if I was serious about working there, and wanted to know if she could hire me right away because, (and I quote) "I would rather have family working here than bringing in some stranger." So. My competition is smoked because of Mom and Cynthia lol. They haven't even interviewed me yet, and the director already wants to hire me rather than that other girl or anyone else she doesn't "know."
One of the main reasons I haven't wanted to work at Appletree is because Mom and both my sisters before me have already worked there or are working there still. They're all great with kids and with people, and their reputation proceeds me. I'm just another Lewis, and people are going to expect from me the same expertise and skill as Mom, Becca, and Cynthia have all demonstrated. Plus, I already live with them, do I really have to work with them too? I love independence and I kind of crave it. I would love to go out there and do my own thing. But ... thinking about it now ... those reasons don't seem very valid. The main reason (that I'm simply not very good with children) can easily change, as it did before (I used to be excellent with children, and lost it somewhere along the way, fairly recently, so I should be able to regain it with the same ease), and the silly reason of being overshadowed by my family's reputation must simply be conquered by my ambition in making a reputation for myself. The reason of being independent and different from my family is old news: I can't help it if I am a Lewis, and I shouldn't be fighting it so hard. I've wasted enough of my life trying to prove that I'm an individual and not a youngest unit, I might as well get over it, and simply prove the fact to myself. What do other people's opinions matter anyway? Besides Joey's, of course, but he already sees me as set apart.
Plus, I have realized a new argument, in FAVOR of working at Appletree with Mom and Cynthia. Lately, I have been getting further and further from my family, and I have become somewhat disillusioned with their company. I figured this was fine, because I plan on getting married in the semi-near future, and then I can be away from them anyway. But then I realized, I don't want to loose them entirely - they're my family and they're important to me. And if I don't click with them NOW while I live with them, I'll just loose touch with them even more later, when we're away from each other. So, working with them could be an extremely good thing. Just like working with Dad to get my black belt in Arnis, to be his assistant teacher at Monday night classes, and to learn guitar from him, has helped me get along with him better and be on more friendly terms with him now. Relationships all require you to put time and effort into them. I often think that if I simply don't have to see someone as often, I'll have more patience for them and get along with them better. This is semi true, as exhibited in my relationship with Becca (we used to butt heads a lot, but now we get along better than we ever have before), but if taken too far, you can simply start getting even MORE touchy, frustrated, and disconnected with each other.
So. All in all, the conclusion is: Appletree could be very good.
To top all that off, Dad called up the Rockford High School Drivers Testing thingy, and I now have an appointed test: the 26th of this month. So ... in 17 days, I might be getting my license! Good timing too, because Mom and Dad are leaving for Brazil in May, and will be gone for two weeks, during which time, Cynthia and I shall have to fend for ourselves. It would be very helpful if we had transportation while we "fended".
In other news (yes, I know, this post is certainly lengthy enough without other news, just bare with me), I am immensely happy with my life right now. Especially with my relationships. I think Joey and I have taken a first step in a really, really good direction, and I have a good feeling about where we're headed. I hate to say it, but I'm almost glad we don't get to see each other every day, because the weekends have been so amazing and special for the simple reason that they hold a privilege I don't get during the week. Of course, I still long for those days when we saw each other constantly, and wish I could have them back again, and I still wish we could spend all our possible time together ... but at the same time, I realize this is best, and it's a really good thing for us right now, I think.
I was pretty annoyed with Cynthia for quite a while recently, and then just a few days ago I realized how immature, foolish, and useless it was. For one thing, how can you be annoyed with someone for simply being who they are? I was annoyed with her character, her thought patterns, her behavior - many of the basic and unchangeable parts of her personality. And so I came to the conclusion that I didn't need to talk to Cynthia about it as I had really wanted to do: I didn't need to lecture her and explain to her how screwed up she was and how she needed to change. In fact, the problem wasn't her at all - it was me. She is who she is, and if I am bothered by that, it's my problem to deal with, not something I can shove onto her. Being annoyed at her wasn't going to change the way she was acting, it was just going to make her start acting even more that way. Instead, I should change the way I perceive her and act towards her, and I should CHOOSE daily not to let her character bug me. It's been working really well, and I've been happier about it. Okay ... so I still REALLY don't want her getting any ideas about John and it still REALLY bugs me when she talks of him constantly as if he were her best friend in the world though she barely knows him, but I've chosen not to worry about it, and I've chosen not to get mad at her over something she hasn't even recognized that she's doing.
My parents have been annoying me less too. It helps that Dad and I have found enough in common between Arnis and guitar, and he's content with how hard I'm working at furthering my life so he's not constantly harping on me anymore to get a job and help support the family along with everyone else, and it helps that Mom and I have been talking more often - even though most of it is just random chit-chat about life. But most importantly, it is MY choice to love them, MY choice to respect them, MY choice to be patient, and MY choice to have faith in their wisdom and good character, that has allowed me to see that what bugged me before is actually quite acceptable, and maybe even beneficial.
And, I think, what has really made this entire post possible and true, including my advancements in the job and license field and including my advancements in relationships and simply as a person, is the fact that I have been seeking God. Christian rhetoric, yes. Allow me to explain. In every relationship you have, you must both pursue each other in order to make it work. Whether you're friends, family, or romantic, it has to be two sided and it has to be a priority to you. So, I might say, if I am trying to get closer to Joey, that I am "seeking" after him, in other words, pursuing him. The same is true with God. He is ALWAYS pursuing us. You may not know it, see it, realize it, feel it, etc., but he seeks after you twenty-four seven. But that's not enough for you to get close to him, because it has to be mutual, just like every single relationship we have. So, I have been pursuing Him back, to the best of my abilities right now. I've been praying for God to fill me with His desires and His thoughts, and to help me to focus on His interests and on Him, and He's helped me do what, normally, humans are incapable of: seeing the bigger picture, focusing on the good, looking at others instead of themselves, emulating Christ in how they act, think, and feel, and loving the way God loves.
There's no way I can explain it, so I won't try, but trust me, every hardship the world could possibly throw at you is completely worth it when you are following God's ways and you have the focus that only He can give you. Putting Him above all else and living His way instead of our way is the most satisfying, fulfilling, amazing thing you can possibly do with your life.
Now that I have taken up a couple hours of my day, and likely plenty of minutes from yours, I will be going. God bless!
~Rowan~