I think my world just turned up-side-down or something but I'm not sure
I feel like I'm three years old again laying in bed on Christmas Eve ... Little Rachel stares out the fogged-up window next to her in her Lake Odessa home and she watches as the Christmas lights wreathing her neighbor's, Aunt Adelina's, house wink at her over and over and over, reflecting off the pure snowbanks. Her heart skips a beat at the slightest sound in the living room next door and she twitches under her covers, hugging Baba tight against her cheek. Rolling over in bed she feels like the night will never end, but she wants so badly for it to be Christmas. The excitement, the expectations, the possibilities ...
The only difference this time, is there is also a great deal of fear. Not really the bad kind of fear, just the kind I always get when I look at the future. Anxiousness. Because I don't know where this will take me ... I don't know if everything will be alright.
The same set of words keeps playing itself over and over and over in my head like blinking bright Christmas lights, as if I can't quite believe it and I have to rewind and play, rewind and play until I am convinced. Is it possible? It seems so ironic that just a month ago I had fully, fully convinced myself there was absolutely no way I would ever hear the words that are now repeating themselves like a broken record in my mind.
This 18-year-old who feels just 3 tonight needs to get to sleep ... but it's like Christmas Eve ... and I'm light-headed, my stomach is all fluttery, my heart keeps skipping beats, and I nearly hyperventilated just a few minutes ago ... Why is this considered a good thing when it sounds like I need to see a doctor? And yet I can't stop smiling.
My mind is most definitely over-doing this ... It's not that big of a deal ... I think maybe my subconscious is just so happy that it was right all along and finally it's going to get a chance to get its way.
And in the background that terrible little fear whispers for me not to get my hopes up.