This that short short short story I wrote about a while back. I submitted it to a place, but it got rejected. It needs improvement. It's kind of depressing. Tell me what you think
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i like the story. i like the images that it elicits in my mind. the light seems really important. this is the longest story i've read by you.
so here are my thoughts on the writing:
in the first paragraph i wasn't sure what time he was waking up until i got to that they couldn't close the door at night. i had a different image in my head until then. i was thinking 2 or 3 in the afternoon. that made it slightly confusing. you could do that by changing "or some similar hour" to something that makes the reader know that you are talking 2 or 3 in the morning when it is all dark and miserable to be awake.
"Even that, though, only took up a few moments, so to further pass the time, he might turn on his side and consider the back of the man who was sleeping in the bed next to his." isn't this a run-on? it is tricky to read. i get what you mean, but it's like a tongue twister in my brain.
is the other mans race important to the story? if it is then the main characters race is also important and could be mentioned. if not, then why say it? let everyone envision their own version of the characters as they relate the story to their own lives.
there are two typos in the last paragraph. i think. thought = though? he without even knowing = without even knowing
Hmm... yes. I'll have to look at that run on sentence. I tend to write these things in a rush, and ideas get jumbled together pretty easily. Plus typos galore
The man's race isn't important at all, really. I think I know why I put it in there, but it's not nescessary.
so here are my thoughts on the writing:
in the first paragraph i wasn't sure what time he was waking up until i got to that they couldn't close the door at night. i had a different image in my head until then. i was thinking 2 or 3 in the afternoon. that made it slightly confusing. you could do that by changing "or some similar hour" to something that makes the reader know that you are talking 2 or 3 in the morning when it is all dark and miserable to be awake.
"Even that, though, only took up a few moments, so to further pass the time, he might turn on his side and consider the back of the man who was sleeping in the bed next to his." isn't this a run-on? it is tricky to read. i get what you mean, but it's like a tongue twister in my brain.
is the other mans race important to the story? if it is then the main characters race is also important and could be mentioned. if not, then why say it? let everyone envision their own version of the characters as they relate the story to their own lives.
there are two typos in the last paragraph. i think. thought = though? he without even knowing = without even knowing
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The man's race isn't important at all, really. I think I know why I put it in there, but it's not nescessary.
These are good thoughts, thanks
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