(no subject)
I spent my only off day this week drinking coffee, looking at jobs I am not qualified enough for, recording a cover of a song I will never share and crying in the middle of a hot day, while taking breaks to sit on my porch, re-reading, "The History of Love."
I also did fun things like get lost on my way home from trivia, a place I frequent more than my parent's house. I enjoyed time with my friends but I've got a case of the sad's tonight, and I'm sober, chain-smoking, crying in the middle of the morning, with the birds and my friend asleep in my bed. Feeling terrible, emotional and displaced triumphs over any good feeling I have felt today.
I went to a wedding and I drank too much because the boy I'm always half-way on-and-off-with was there. I knew he was going to be there. He spent the night with me last week and I asked him if he was going and he said yes. I did not know he was going with a date, some girl he didn't even bother introducing me to. Jenna would tell me when she would catch him looking at me, but I didn't care. We are at our mutual friend's wedding, a friend we have known for almost ten years, and we didn't even attend the wedding together. Of course, yes, I didn't ask him to go with me either and maybe I brought a date too, but give me a fucking break.
I looked pretty. I felt like a hundred dollars. I smelled really nice. I wore my hair in a braid. And I drank, drank, drank.
Jared and I came home, Scott fell asleep, Jenna went to Dan's and Jared and I went night riding in his black stick shift car, I don't know the names of cars, and we sped so fucking fast and I think he was just as heart-broken as I was because he likes Jenna a lot but she has met someone who she really likes a lot too. We went to the Local in our fancy wedding clothes and we shared three Jamie and Gingers.
We left. Aimlessly driving on Moreland, speeding, and we ended up going to the boy's house. We are all mutual friends. I need him to think of me just as I am right now, and not some broken piece of human who gives pieces away to all the wrong people in this familiar territory. In all my drunken glory, it was a great idea. I sat in Robert's room, made him play me Little Bird by Dr. Dog and tried to sing songs I don't know the words to and marveled at his record collection and played with his dog and then Jared and Robert left and I went to the boy's room and I let myself into his bed, uninvited, in my black dress, ripped tights, and kissed him. He kissed me once or twice and rolled over. He didn't want me there and there was no other place I wanted to be at that moment. I went outside and smoked a cigarette, probably furious at the world. I don't know. I remember leaving angry. I woke up in my dress, in my makeup, to Scott telling me goodbye.
I can imagine this all in my head, sober, piecing the night together and I feel embarrassed and terrible and I want to hide away in a different zip code because I know the only way I can ever be done with him is to not be around him. It's so embarrassing to love someone who deserves so little of your admiration. It's really disgusting and I feel so desperate for someone who I am better off without.
I've written the same story so many times in this journal. Cried so many times over this scenario. I break everything off and then we miss each other and then we are back and square one and I find myself in the same sad place I always come back to. Maybe I just enjoy being miserable. Maybe I make him just as miserable as he makes me. Maybe that's why we always come back to one another. Maybe something is better than nothing even when the something is a nothing in itself.
I'm 26 years old, almost 27. I refuse to sit back and perpetually feel sorry for myself because I choose to love someone who I am better off without. I know all the advice to take and I hear it all the time from everyone who knows "us" and I'll be damned if I am going spend anymore wasted time on him.