You Don't Have To Say You Love Me
Title: You Don't Have To Say You Love Me
Rating: R - no actual smut but descriptions of after 'the act'.
Characters: Mainly Jack, but all the other team members as well
Summary: "You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand. You don't have to stay forever, I will understand" - Jack and his team
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't own them. Am just playing.
Betas: ash and Aimee: Thank you guys!
Comments make me very happy!
“You don’t have to say you love me…”
The Hub was humming with life. Laughter echoed off the walls, mingling with Myfanwy’s squawk. Footsteps sounded on the metal walkway. From high above the main floor, Jack Harkness surveys his kingdom.
He’d sacrificed a lot to get to this point. The saying ‘blood, sweat and tears’ covered only half of it. He’d seen this place go through so many changes, advancing through century after century, well ahead of the outside world but changing nonetheless. He’d seen life and death bargaining for souls in here, the love and the loss standing side by side, war and (relative) peace fighting for this stronghold. People had come and gone, almost in the blink of an eye, and Jack Harkness remained the constant within an ever-changing world.
After so long on Earth, Jack knew he had developed ties to certain places. Those ties were safe: buildings lasted, and if they didn’t, well what were brick and mortar anyway? But, while Jack Harkness loved life with a passion, loving those with that life, really loving the living, was still the hardest part.
In some respects, loving the dead was easier: they would no longer disappoint him, nor would he have to wait for the day they would leave him and dump him back into the cold darkness of loneliness. He doesn’t let this thought linger for long; it is, in essence, not a happy place to wander.
The problem lay in those people who were alive. They always demand, they expect and they hope for too much. Damn, and they give their love so freely, but at what price for a man that lives forever? Jack knows that so many people have loved him. That’s what makes it hard for him to love them back. From the moment they meet he knows that either he will leave, or they will. If they know about his…curse and choose to stay anyway, then they will eventually leave him in death. If they don’t know, well, then he has to leave them. One of them always has to leave in the end. The continuing, never-ending circle hurts every time. There are times he thinks he has learnt his lesson, for he hardens his heart and walks away before it’s too late. But sooner or later someone sneaks in under his defences and into his affections. And then the whole cycle will start again. But what choice does he have?
Pushing these dark tortures away, he finds himself looking down at his team. A warm smile spreads across Jack’s sad features. Owen is singing loudly and out of tune down in the med bay, digging happily through the innards of the latest alien to fall victim to the Rift. Gwen sat at the top of the steps, under the arch alternating between watching Owen’s embarrassing dance moves and organizing a huge pile of papers. Her back resting against the arch and legs out wide, she laughs freely as Owen incorporates a spin into his song and dance routine before diving back into the alien in time to the beat.
Each nursing a mug of coffee, Ianto and Tosh are sitting at a nearby computer bank while Tosh tests the young man on his mainframe and system knowledge. They smile happily at each other.
Jack knows he’s a sucker. It is in this small group of people who have wormed, wiggled and beaten a path to his heart that he realizes defeat. Each of them has become a significant part of his life in their own way. Without them he’d be less of the man he is now.
But Jack knows he is still a coward.
He’ll never say the words. He’ll never tell them he loves them.
“…just be close at hand.”
The two men walked with hurried footsteps along the slowly emptying pavement. One of the men walked with aggression, as if trying to out-pace some demon in his thoughts, the other walked serenely at his side, keeping pace easily. Jack and Ianto were heading back to the Hub after an afternoon of boring, but unavoidable meetings. Knowing what mood Jack would be like following these meetings, Ianto had insisted on leaving the SUV at the rest of the teams’ disposal, and he persuaded the Captain that fresh air would be beneficial. Now he was walking quietly beside his Captain as Jack stormed along muttering about incompetence and imbeciles. The rant continued about taking things higher up the chain, if that’s what they wanted. When Jack got himself wound up like this there was very little that would stop him. Even Ianto found it hard to get through to him.
After so much life, so much experience, Jack became easily frustrated when his path was blocked by officials and ministers and the like. Very few people ignorant of Jack’s history trusted him in these matters. Each believed fully that they knew what was best. Ianto could understand Jack’s mood, even if he didn’t like it. The man must have faced situation after situation where Torchwood’s work was hindered because of ‘political tape’. Seeing people hurt in these situations would only have fuelled Jack’s frustration at the Government’s reticence to allow Torchwood jurisdiction.
Ianto could feel the tension in Jack’s body as they walked side by side. His fists were clenched and his eyes were stormy. Ianto sighed, and subtly, as if by accident, let his hand brush against Jack’s as they swung.
There was little change in the man.
Ianto knew that Jack took a lot upon himself. Flat Holm was just one example of Jack Harkness caring for the people of Cardiff, without anyone else’s knowledge. Whether or not Jack would ever admit it, Ianto figured that by now Cardiff was Jack’s home, at least for the moment. Living in one place for over 130 years would be enough for anyone to make ties. Ianto knew Jack felt responsible, because he felt it too.
They were the first line of defence in Cardiff, and the last as well. As always it was up to them to protect this city from the Rift. Oh, U.N.I.T might help, but they had other responsibilities to attend to. Ultimately, it was the Rift verses Torchwood. And when the Government got in the way of that fight, tying Torchwood’s collective hands behind their backs, oh boy, could things go wrong.
Ianto slid a sidelong glance at Jack. He was still tense and muttering, though his pace has slowed. Eyes forward once more, and maintaining the current silence, Ianto let his hand brush once more against Jack’s.
There was a little change in the man.
Dusk was falling over Cardiff. Up above them a few stars were winking into sight. A small, sad smile pulled at Ianto’s lips. The stars in the heavens above always made him think of Jack. Every time he saw them, he thought of Jack, out there travelling, finding adventure, fighting, loving and just living. Sometimes he wondered if his lover would ever return there. Sometime he looked at Jack and all he could see was a lost little boy, looking for a way home. Of course, the rest of the time Jack looked like he owned the place. He liked to think of Jack, back up there where he belonged. Even if it did makes his heart break. The thought of Earth without a Jack, the thought of Cardiff without his Jack…
One more glance at Jack revealed that the muttering had stopped and his pace had slowed. But Jack was still tense; his movements as he walked were betraying his frustration. Sighing softer this time, Ianto brushed his hand once more against Jack’s, hoping that he would somehow ease his Captain’s soul, before turning his mind to the Hub and the list of jobs waiting for him.
By the time they were crossing the Plass, Ianto was fully lost in his mundane thoughts. People were milling about, walking in pairs and groups towards the many restaurants and bars to begin their evenings. Water flowed down the tower, sparkling in the changing lights. Just as he was considering whether it would be more time-efficient to clean the water pool at the base of the tower before ordering food or after, Ianto felt a large warm hand grasp his firmly, squeeze it reassuringly. Turning his head towards Jack, he found all traces of frustration gone from the face he knew so well. Jack eye’s sparkled in the light and the grin that was spread across his face warmed Ianto from the inside. He glanced down at their clasped hands before returning Jack’s smile and raising an eyebrow in question.
All Jack said was “Thank you”.
“For what?”
“For knowing how to soothe me. For being close. And for helping me.” Jack raised their clasped hands in front of them and kissed the back of Ianto’s before letting them drop back down as he said, “For this”.
“You don’t have to stay forever…”
The soft light from Jack’s office wound its way down the bolt-hole to land on two bodies, naked and breathing hard in the near darkness. Trails of sweat were cooling on their skin, but neither felt the cold. The heat and smell of sex filled the tiny space, making it feel close. Both men were drifting on their own cloud of pleasure, only partly aware of each other and their surroundings. Private thoughts filled their minds completely, as they only can during the all-encompassing post-coital bliss.
As he began to float back down to reality Jack’s fingers lightly drifted over Ianto’s hipbone, stroking the cooling skin. A smile crept over his face and a happy ‘Mmmm’ of contentment murmured in his chest, the soft sound vibrating through him. There was a moment of shifting before the two men settled in a more comfortable position; Jack sprawled across Ianto, his head resting on the young man’s chest.
“That was good.” Ianto could hear the satisfied grin in Jack’s voice.
“Very good,” he replied. Although his hand rose of its own accord to stroke Jack’s head, his eyes were open and staring at the ceiling. This was always the strange bit. The easiness that encompassed their togetherness during sex always seemed to slowly drain from the room after the deed was done, or so Ianto felt. It was so easy to just kiss Jack, to touch him, stroke him, to bring him to his knees with desire even. But talking to him afterwards was not the same as their daily banter during work. They even flirted but that was a given these days. But that sort of talk seemed…false after intimacy. And Ianto just didn’t know how to talk to Jack as a lover. Where on earth was he meant to start? And so this after-sex ritual had been born. They would lie here, not really talking. Jack would lie on top of him, always on top of him. Ianto wondered about that. He’d always figured he’d end up being the one cradled. That was just a Jack sort of thing, wasn’t it? He wanted to want to protect people and keep them safe. But no, it was Ianto who ended up holding Jack. Jack’s weight would bear down on him. Sometimes he wondered if he should read anything into that…
The silence in the small room started to stretch. Taking a breath, Ianto pushed himself up onto his elbows, causing Jack to slide down his chest. Fighting against the sensation of Jack’s hair tickling his stomach, Ianto wiggled out from underneath Jack.
Jack knew the routine. It didn’t mean he liked it. As Ianto tried to rise Jack let his weight fall fully onto him. He let Ianto struggle for a brief moment and then gave up and rolled to the side, allowing Ianto to slide out of bed. The young man disappeared towards the bathroom. Jack listened to the tap running for a minute, thinking.
This happened every time. They’d have amazing sex and then Ianto took his leave. Jack knew they’d been through some tough times, stretching their…whatever it was, to the limits. But he thought they were doing good for the moment. It felt almost right. That is, until Ianto left. The feeling was unsettling. It made the act of making love feel shameful to Jack, like it was something Ianto was embarrassed about. But then Ianto would come into work the next day and act like nothing changed by being flirty and happy and normal.
He watched as Ianto padded back into the room. Jack’s eyes wandered appreciatively over his naked form as Ianto bent to pick up his suit, sliding his legs into the boxers and then the trousers. Jack sat himself up, cross-legged on his bed, thinking quickly. This whole game they played seemed crooked. It needed to be dealt with.
Jack clenched his hands in his lap briefly before taking a deep breath. Leaning back against the cold wall he spoke.
“Ianto.”
Ianto carried on belting up his trousers.
“Ianto.” Jack’s tone brooked no disobedience. Ianto looked up at him, his hands stilling at his waist.
“Stay?” Jack asked, quietly.
Ianto took a quick, sharp gasping breath and his hands twisted to rest on his hips. Part of Jack could not help thinking how glorious he looked, dark trousers slung low on his hips, hair mussed, the light from up above casting one side of him in shadow. The rest of Jack’s mind was, for once, focused on the main issue at hand. This would decide the direction they would both take from here on in, whether together or separate. Jack found himself silently begging Ianto to decide their fate; he hadn’t realised how much he wanted the boy until he gave him the choice of walking away.
“Jack…” Ianto’s eyes flickered around the room before his gaze landed on the floor. “I need to go and change. The others…If I come in tomorrow in the same clothes. Besides, you don’t…you can’t…I’ve got to - ”
“Ianto,” Jack breathed again, cutting across Ianto’s rambling. “Just stay.”
This time it wasn’t a question. But Jack could still see the hesitation and the defiance in Ianto’s posture. He held out his hand and waited until Ianto looked at him.
“Stay with me. Not forever. Just stay with me tonight.” Jack let a hopeful smile pull at his lips. “Please?”
~*~
Ianto stayed the night.
“…I will understand.”
“I couldn’t save him.”
The words are breathed as she turns to look at him. Her eyes are filled with pain, and it rocks Jack to the core to see it. He can hear the self-disappointment in her voice. He looks away in shock, giving his breaking heart time, before looking back at her.
“Toshiko,” he whispers. He tried to put everything he wants to say into that one anguished sigh. But he knows he fails. His arms gather the bleeding woman, his first recruit, and his first believer, into his arms. Gwen’s frantic words melt into the background as he looks at her. She stares back with such emotion, such intent he can almost hear her speaking to him.
“I failed him.”
“No, you didn’t, my love.”
“And he’ll die, in pain and agony. But he won’t know this. He won’t have to bear knowing that I am gone too.”
“He loved you.”
“Maybe. I loved him. It doesn’t matter now. It’s over.”
“I know.”
“Thank you, for saving me. It’s been good...”
“Please hold on, Tosh.”
“I can’t. He’s gone. I can’t stay, it’s too hard.”
“…I know.”
“Please, Jack…I love you…let me go.”
“It’s okay, love. I understand.”
As the light faded from her eyes, Jack felt a new hole rip in his soul. He knew. Everything she felt, the pain, the heartache. The thought of living without that one person is what it is like to be truly alone, empty, as pointless existence. One she had avoided. One he had to live through for the rest of his days.
“I know…I understand.”
~*~
Their eyes meet. Jack can see the disbelief and guilt splashed across Owens’s face as they make their way slowly towards each other. Jack thought he would have to search for some sign of Owens’s feelings, that the doctor would hide himself away as usual. But it is clear for everyone to see, that Owen regrets his rash decision made in the heat of the moment, that he regrets his weakness in the face of temptation. That is all Jack needs to know. They stop and for a moment everything else fades as the two men look at each other.
“I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry.”
“I know.”
“I was weak…it was so real…I just want, just need…”
“I know, Owen.”
“…I need to be loved. Someone, anyone.”
“I know. I understand. And I love you.”
“I’m…”
“I forgive you.”
And for only the second time Jack is witness as Owen falls apart. Sobs wrack the young man’s body as Jack pulls him in close, soothing him. He doesn’t feel angry or betrayal by Owens’s actions. He is maybe the only person alive who understands the man Owen has become. He can see the harsh, sarcastic exterior for what it is: nothing more than a mask, a protection, and a shield from life. He knows how it feels. After all, Jack has his own shields from life, his own mask that he wears. He and Owen have much in common.
“I know. I understand.”
~*~
“I wouldn’t know anything different.”
“I would.”
They stood close, both defiant. Jack looked into Gwen’s eyes, those eyes that showed him such emotion. They showed her heart and her soul, her very passion. They reflected her anger, the raw fear and bitter confusion. As he looked into her eyes he could almost hear her begging and demanding in the same breath.
“I won’t do it. Oh, God, please don’t make me. I wouldn’t know any different, but how does that make it better? Don’t let me go, Jack. Don’t push me away…I love him.”
“I know you do.”
“I can’t lose you, Jack. I can’t lose this.”
“I know, Gwen.”
“I have to make it good, me and Rhys. I have to make us work. The lying is breaking us. It’s breaking me. I’m changing; Jack, and I don’t like it. Help me change back.”
“I know. I’ll do what you need me to do. I understand.”
“Give Rhys my love. And I will see you tomorrow.”
The tension leaves Gwen with his words. He sees a glimpse of something in her eyes just before she spins away and out of the Hub. Maybe it’s regret. Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe, just maybe it is understanding. Maybe she does know…
“I know…I understand.”
~*~
From up above, Jack watched as the cog gate rolled back, the lights flashed and the gates grated open. Ianto Jones entered the Hub. Pale and thin, his usual armor was in place, the somber black suit as pressed as always. Jack watched, grim faced, as the young man walked into the spotlight that flooded the floor. Their eyes met as Ianto came to a stop. Jack looked deep and, once again, saw the depths of the man’s grief and guilt. Despite his wariness regarding the young man, Jack could not help but be moved at the thought that one so young already knew such pain.
The two men looked at each other.
“It hurts.”
“I know.”
“It hurts so much. Like each part of me is being ripped away. I am being torn into a million pieces and soon I’ll be nothing.”
“I know.”
“But I deserve it. What I did…I’m so confused; I don’t know what to feel. What’s right? This is my penance. I know how I pay for it…I have to carry on.
“I know. Show me, Ianto. Show me that, somewhere deep inside, you are sorry. Show me that you are worth fighting for.”
“I have to carry on. Let me carry on, Jack.”
“I know. I understand.”
Jack nodded. He knew. Maybe not everything - there was a lot more he needed to learn about Ianto Jones, about all his team - but he knew what was important. He had to give Ianto a chance. If he didn’t, who would?
Ianto’s replying nod was hesitant. He knew he had to prove something. He had to prove himself to Jack. And he knew Jack understood this.
“I know... I understand.”
The End
Rating: R - no actual smut but descriptions of after 'the act'.
Characters: Mainly Jack, but all the other team members as well
Summary: "You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand. You don't have to stay forever, I will understand" - Jack and his team
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't own them. Am just playing.
Betas: ash and Aimee: Thank you guys!
Comments make me very happy!
“You don’t have to say you love me…”
The Hub was humming with life. Laughter echoed off the walls, mingling with Myfanwy’s squawk. Footsteps sounded on the metal walkway. From high above the main floor, Jack Harkness surveys his kingdom.
He’d sacrificed a lot to get to this point. The saying ‘blood, sweat and tears’ covered only half of it. He’d seen this place go through so many changes, advancing through century after century, well ahead of the outside world but changing nonetheless. He’d seen life and death bargaining for souls in here, the love and the loss standing side by side, war and (relative) peace fighting for this stronghold. People had come and gone, almost in the blink of an eye, and Jack Harkness remained the constant within an ever-changing world.
After so long on Earth, Jack knew he had developed ties to certain places. Those ties were safe: buildings lasted, and if they didn’t, well what were brick and mortar anyway? But, while Jack Harkness loved life with a passion, loving those with that life, really loving the living, was still the hardest part.
In some respects, loving the dead was easier: they would no longer disappoint him, nor would he have to wait for the day they would leave him and dump him back into the cold darkness of loneliness. He doesn’t let this thought linger for long; it is, in essence, not a happy place to wander.
The problem lay in those people who were alive. They always demand, they expect and they hope for too much. Damn, and they give their love so freely, but at what price for a man that lives forever? Jack knows that so many people have loved him. That’s what makes it hard for him to love them back. From the moment they meet he knows that either he will leave, or they will. If they know about his…curse and choose to stay anyway, then they will eventually leave him in death. If they don’t know, well, then he has to leave them. One of them always has to leave in the end. The continuing, never-ending circle hurts every time. There are times he thinks he has learnt his lesson, for he hardens his heart and walks away before it’s too late. But sooner or later someone sneaks in under his defences and into his affections. And then the whole cycle will start again. But what choice does he have?
Pushing these dark tortures away, he finds himself looking down at his team. A warm smile spreads across Jack’s sad features. Owen is singing loudly and out of tune down in the med bay, digging happily through the innards of the latest alien to fall victim to the Rift. Gwen sat at the top of the steps, under the arch alternating between watching Owen’s embarrassing dance moves and organizing a huge pile of papers. Her back resting against the arch and legs out wide, she laughs freely as Owen incorporates a spin into his song and dance routine before diving back into the alien in time to the beat.
Each nursing a mug of coffee, Ianto and Tosh are sitting at a nearby computer bank while Tosh tests the young man on his mainframe and system knowledge. They smile happily at each other.
Jack knows he’s a sucker. It is in this small group of people who have wormed, wiggled and beaten a path to his heart that he realizes defeat. Each of them has become a significant part of his life in their own way. Without them he’d be less of the man he is now.
But Jack knows he is still a coward.
He’ll never say the words. He’ll never tell them he loves them.
“…just be close at hand.”
The two men walked with hurried footsteps along the slowly emptying pavement. One of the men walked with aggression, as if trying to out-pace some demon in his thoughts, the other walked serenely at his side, keeping pace easily. Jack and Ianto were heading back to the Hub after an afternoon of boring, but unavoidable meetings. Knowing what mood Jack would be like following these meetings, Ianto had insisted on leaving the SUV at the rest of the teams’ disposal, and he persuaded the Captain that fresh air would be beneficial. Now he was walking quietly beside his Captain as Jack stormed along muttering about incompetence and imbeciles. The rant continued about taking things higher up the chain, if that’s what they wanted. When Jack got himself wound up like this there was very little that would stop him. Even Ianto found it hard to get through to him.
After so much life, so much experience, Jack became easily frustrated when his path was blocked by officials and ministers and the like. Very few people ignorant of Jack’s history trusted him in these matters. Each believed fully that they knew what was best. Ianto could understand Jack’s mood, even if he didn’t like it. The man must have faced situation after situation where Torchwood’s work was hindered because of ‘political tape’. Seeing people hurt in these situations would only have fuelled Jack’s frustration at the Government’s reticence to allow Torchwood jurisdiction.
Ianto could feel the tension in Jack’s body as they walked side by side. His fists were clenched and his eyes were stormy. Ianto sighed, and subtly, as if by accident, let his hand brush against Jack’s as they swung.
There was little change in the man.
Ianto knew that Jack took a lot upon himself. Flat Holm was just one example of Jack Harkness caring for the people of Cardiff, without anyone else’s knowledge. Whether or not Jack would ever admit it, Ianto figured that by now Cardiff was Jack’s home, at least for the moment. Living in one place for over 130 years would be enough for anyone to make ties. Ianto knew Jack felt responsible, because he felt it too.
They were the first line of defence in Cardiff, and the last as well. As always it was up to them to protect this city from the Rift. Oh, U.N.I.T might help, but they had other responsibilities to attend to. Ultimately, it was the Rift verses Torchwood. And when the Government got in the way of that fight, tying Torchwood’s collective hands behind their backs, oh boy, could things go wrong.
Ianto slid a sidelong glance at Jack. He was still tense and muttering, though his pace has slowed. Eyes forward once more, and maintaining the current silence, Ianto let his hand brush once more against Jack’s.
There was a little change in the man.
Dusk was falling over Cardiff. Up above them a few stars were winking into sight. A small, sad smile pulled at Ianto’s lips. The stars in the heavens above always made him think of Jack. Every time he saw them, he thought of Jack, out there travelling, finding adventure, fighting, loving and just living. Sometimes he wondered if his lover would ever return there. Sometime he looked at Jack and all he could see was a lost little boy, looking for a way home. Of course, the rest of the time Jack looked like he owned the place. He liked to think of Jack, back up there where he belonged. Even if it did makes his heart break. The thought of Earth without a Jack, the thought of Cardiff without his Jack…
One more glance at Jack revealed that the muttering had stopped and his pace had slowed. But Jack was still tense; his movements as he walked were betraying his frustration. Sighing softer this time, Ianto brushed his hand once more against Jack’s, hoping that he would somehow ease his Captain’s soul, before turning his mind to the Hub and the list of jobs waiting for him.
By the time they were crossing the Plass, Ianto was fully lost in his mundane thoughts. People were milling about, walking in pairs and groups towards the many restaurants and bars to begin their evenings. Water flowed down the tower, sparkling in the changing lights. Just as he was considering whether it would be more time-efficient to clean the water pool at the base of the tower before ordering food or after, Ianto felt a large warm hand grasp his firmly, squeeze it reassuringly. Turning his head towards Jack, he found all traces of frustration gone from the face he knew so well. Jack eye’s sparkled in the light and the grin that was spread across his face warmed Ianto from the inside. He glanced down at their clasped hands before returning Jack’s smile and raising an eyebrow in question.
All Jack said was “Thank you”.
“For what?”
“For knowing how to soothe me. For being close. And for helping me.” Jack raised their clasped hands in front of them and kissed the back of Ianto’s before letting them drop back down as he said, “For this”.
“You don’t have to stay forever…”
The soft light from Jack’s office wound its way down the bolt-hole to land on two bodies, naked and breathing hard in the near darkness. Trails of sweat were cooling on their skin, but neither felt the cold. The heat and smell of sex filled the tiny space, making it feel close. Both men were drifting on their own cloud of pleasure, only partly aware of each other and their surroundings. Private thoughts filled their minds completely, as they only can during the all-encompassing post-coital bliss.
As he began to float back down to reality Jack’s fingers lightly drifted over Ianto’s hipbone, stroking the cooling skin. A smile crept over his face and a happy ‘Mmmm’ of contentment murmured in his chest, the soft sound vibrating through him. There was a moment of shifting before the two men settled in a more comfortable position; Jack sprawled across Ianto, his head resting on the young man’s chest.
“That was good.” Ianto could hear the satisfied grin in Jack’s voice.
“Very good,” he replied. Although his hand rose of its own accord to stroke Jack’s head, his eyes were open and staring at the ceiling. This was always the strange bit. The easiness that encompassed their togetherness during sex always seemed to slowly drain from the room after the deed was done, or so Ianto felt. It was so easy to just kiss Jack, to touch him, stroke him, to bring him to his knees with desire even. But talking to him afterwards was not the same as their daily banter during work. They even flirted but that was a given these days. But that sort of talk seemed…false after intimacy. And Ianto just didn’t know how to talk to Jack as a lover. Where on earth was he meant to start? And so this after-sex ritual had been born. They would lie here, not really talking. Jack would lie on top of him, always on top of him. Ianto wondered about that. He’d always figured he’d end up being the one cradled. That was just a Jack sort of thing, wasn’t it? He wanted to want to protect people and keep them safe. But no, it was Ianto who ended up holding Jack. Jack’s weight would bear down on him. Sometimes he wondered if he should read anything into that…
The silence in the small room started to stretch. Taking a breath, Ianto pushed himself up onto his elbows, causing Jack to slide down his chest. Fighting against the sensation of Jack’s hair tickling his stomach, Ianto wiggled out from underneath Jack.
Jack knew the routine. It didn’t mean he liked it. As Ianto tried to rise Jack let his weight fall fully onto him. He let Ianto struggle for a brief moment and then gave up and rolled to the side, allowing Ianto to slide out of bed. The young man disappeared towards the bathroom. Jack listened to the tap running for a minute, thinking.
This happened every time. They’d have amazing sex and then Ianto took his leave. Jack knew they’d been through some tough times, stretching their…whatever it was, to the limits. But he thought they were doing good for the moment. It felt almost right. That is, until Ianto left. The feeling was unsettling. It made the act of making love feel shameful to Jack, like it was something Ianto was embarrassed about. But then Ianto would come into work the next day and act like nothing changed by being flirty and happy and normal.
He watched as Ianto padded back into the room. Jack’s eyes wandered appreciatively over his naked form as Ianto bent to pick up his suit, sliding his legs into the boxers and then the trousers. Jack sat himself up, cross-legged on his bed, thinking quickly. This whole game they played seemed crooked. It needed to be dealt with.
Jack clenched his hands in his lap briefly before taking a deep breath. Leaning back against the cold wall he spoke.
“Ianto.”
Ianto carried on belting up his trousers.
“Ianto.” Jack’s tone brooked no disobedience. Ianto looked up at him, his hands stilling at his waist.
“Stay?” Jack asked, quietly.
Ianto took a quick, sharp gasping breath and his hands twisted to rest on his hips. Part of Jack could not help thinking how glorious he looked, dark trousers slung low on his hips, hair mussed, the light from up above casting one side of him in shadow. The rest of Jack’s mind was, for once, focused on the main issue at hand. This would decide the direction they would both take from here on in, whether together or separate. Jack found himself silently begging Ianto to decide their fate; he hadn’t realised how much he wanted the boy until he gave him the choice of walking away.
“Jack…” Ianto’s eyes flickered around the room before his gaze landed on the floor. “I need to go and change. The others…If I come in tomorrow in the same clothes. Besides, you don’t…you can’t…I’ve got to - ”
“Ianto,” Jack breathed again, cutting across Ianto’s rambling. “Just stay.”
This time it wasn’t a question. But Jack could still see the hesitation and the defiance in Ianto’s posture. He held out his hand and waited until Ianto looked at him.
“Stay with me. Not forever. Just stay with me tonight.” Jack let a hopeful smile pull at his lips. “Please?”
~*~
Ianto stayed the night.
“…I will understand.”
“I couldn’t save him.”
The words are breathed as she turns to look at him. Her eyes are filled with pain, and it rocks Jack to the core to see it. He can hear the self-disappointment in her voice. He looks away in shock, giving his breaking heart time, before looking back at her.
“Toshiko,” he whispers. He tried to put everything he wants to say into that one anguished sigh. But he knows he fails. His arms gather the bleeding woman, his first recruit, and his first believer, into his arms. Gwen’s frantic words melt into the background as he looks at her. She stares back with such emotion, such intent he can almost hear her speaking to him.
“I failed him.”
“No, you didn’t, my love.”
“And he’ll die, in pain and agony. But he won’t know this. He won’t have to bear knowing that I am gone too.”
“He loved you.”
“Maybe. I loved him. It doesn’t matter now. It’s over.”
“I know.”
“Thank you, for saving me. It’s been good...”
“Please hold on, Tosh.”
“I can’t. He’s gone. I can’t stay, it’s too hard.”
“…I know.”
“Please, Jack…I love you…let me go.”
“It’s okay, love. I understand.”
As the light faded from her eyes, Jack felt a new hole rip in his soul. He knew. Everything she felt, the pain, the heartache. The thought of living without that one person is what it is like to be truly alone, empty, as pointless existence. One she had avoided. One he had to live through for the rest of his days.
“I know…I understand.”
~*~
Their eyes meet. Jack can see the disbelief and guilt splashed across Owens’s face as they make their way slowly towards each other. Jack thought he would have to search for some sign of Owens’s feelings, that the doctor would hide himself away as usual. But it is clear for everyone to see, that Owen regrets his rash decision made in the heat of the moment, that he regrets his weakness in the face of temptation. That is all Jack needs to know. They stop and for a moment everything else fades as the two men look at each other.
“I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry.”
“I know.”
“I was weak…it was so real…I just want, just need…”
“I know, Owen.”
“…I need to be loved. Someone, anyone.”
“I know. I understand. And I love you.”
“I’m…”
“I forgive you.”
And for only the second time Jack is witness as Owen falls apart. Sobs wrack the young man’s body as Jack pulls him in close, soothing him. He doesn’t feel angry or betrayal by Owens’s actions. He is maybe the only person alive who understands the man Owen has become. He can see the harsh, sarcastic exterior for what it is: nothing more than a mask, a protection, and a shield from life. He knows how it feels. After all, Jack has his own shields from life, his own mask that he wears. He and Owen have much in common.
“I know. I understand.”
~*~
“I wouldn’t know anything different.”
“I would.”
They stood close, both defiant. Jack looked into Gwen’s eyes, those eyes that showed him such emotion. They showed her heart and her soul, her very passion. They reflected her anger, the raw fear and bitter confusion. As he looked into her eyes he could almost hear her begging and demanding in the same breath.
“I won’t do it. Oh, God, please don’t make me. I wouldn’t know any different, but how does that make it better? Don’t let me go, Jack. Don’t push me away…I love him.”
“I know you do.”
“I can’t lose you, Jack. I can’t lose this.”
“I know, Gwen.”
“I have to make it good, me and Rhys. I have to make us work. The lying is breaking us. It’s breaking me. I’m changing; Jack, and I don’t like it. Help me change back.”
“I know. I’ll do what you need me to do. I understand.”
“Give Rhys my love. And I will see you tomorrow.”
The tension leaves Gwen with his words. He sees a glimpse of something in her eyes just before she spins away and out of the Hub. Maybe it’s regret. Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe, just maybe it is understanding. Maybe she does know…
“I know…I understand.”
~*~
From up above, Jack watched as the cog gate rolled back, the lights flashed and the gates grated open. Ianto Jones entered the Hub. Pale and thin, his usual armor was in place, the somber black suit as pressed as always. Jack watched, grim faced, as the young man walked into the spotlight that flooded the floor. Their eyes met as Ianto came to a stop. Jack looked deep and, once again, saw the depths of the man’s grief and guilt. Despite his wariness regarding the young man, Jack could not help but be moved at the thought that one so young already knew such pain.
The two men looked at each other.
“It hurts.”
“I know.”
“It hurts so much. Like each part of me is being ripped away. I am being torn into a million pieces and soon I’ll be nothing.”
“I know.”
“But I deserve it. What I did…I’m so confused; I don’t know what to feel. What’s right? This is my penance. I know how I pay for it…I have to carry on.
“I know. Show me, Ianto. Show me that, somewhere deep inside, you are sorry. Show me that you are worth fighting for.”
“I have to carry on. Let me carry on, Jack.”
“I know. I understand.”
Jack nodded. He knew. Maybe not everything - there was a lot more he needed to learn about Ianto Jones, about all his team - but he knew what was important. He had to give Ianto a chance. If he didn’t, who would?
Ianto’s replying nod was hesitant. He knew he had to prove something. He had to prove himself to Jack. And he knew Jack understood this.
“I know... I understand.”
The End