(no subject)
i didnt enjoy today. not at all really. nothing seems towork out the way I want it to. yes.. i like to get what i want sometimes. just.. once every two moths or something .especially when it comes to that. on one hand its.. ' i understand wheere your coming from' but ion the other hand its 'fuck you.. how bout looking at from my perspective?" fuck. tired of having to go an hour going.. then an hour going back home because of this fear that will inevitably happen anyway.
lets make one thing clear. i do not mind taking my time to see someone i love with all my heart. but i do it causei want to. i do it cause she wants me to. i dont do it cause THEY give me no other choice to!! yes. its my decsion.
for those of you who even read my journal.. id like to clarify that i love Sophia Biondi. i sure as hell do. i know what love is. i know what love feels like. i know the diffenrence between liking, loving and lusting after a person. we talk on the phone at least 5 times a week at nght. on msn any chance i get and we have a healthy relationship in all aspects of what a relationship is. we talk about more than just out feelings aabout eachother.. we talk about many topics and we arent afraid to say what we think and feel aout things. we have pet names for eachother. we tease eachother. we know how one another feels. im not along for any ride. im not doing anything because its easy, or because i want something out of it. im not interested in a fling, or anything relating to a connection thats temporary with a person. fuck anyone who says or thinks otherwise. and if you do.. quite frankly, i couldnt give a shit about what you think.
i love her because she makes me smile even when im pissed of or utterly sad, much like today. thousgh today.. it got the best of me.. she smiled.. and i couldnt help but frown even further since i knew i couldnt caress her cheek and hold her close and kiss her lips for fear of her hesistation due to other entities floating around. am i being resonable. no. i admit it. as far as me, and her, alone goes.. a parent would say fuck no. though when theres a worry about PROXIMITY to aloneness.. in this case... RDP and my house... then theres an issue here im not happy with. and im sorry to know.. that my love isnt happy with either.
i leave her house so often it feels like idont belong. im not leaving cause i need to anymore... im leaving cause im not wanted. im a senstive guy. i know that. so im liely taking this to heart. but consider it for a momment. perhaps you'll see where im coming from.
a talk today served nothing really. i was being smiled at and 'agreed' with but the position is the same and all i felt like after the fact was like a complete idiot.. baring my soul only to be told that i just dont get it cause im too young (stupid) to really understand anything thats going on. so when i told you when you asked was a happy with the result. i said. ya. i guess. im happy it didnt turn into a flat out rejection.. but its like talking to my mom and the importnace she places on having my room cleaned. its all placation on both ends... and you give up becuse you just want to lay down to sleep.
what tops it is this idea that i am now a problem in their household. i am not the boyfriend anymore. im the newly adopted child they cant repremand so they can only bitch and compalin and bad mouth when im not around. i dont feel welcome in that house anymore. i dont care if they ask you a million times how im doing and if im coming over. i dont feel like im really wanted, but im endured and being making the best out of. bad sentance but its been a long day.
Andrew's Mind
Wake up
Shower
Bus
Metro
Walk
Her House
Hair
Her House
Park
Park2
Bus
Par3
My House
Dinner
Coffee
Goodbye My Baby
Reality
Wake up
Shower
Bus
Metro
Walk
Her House
Hair
Her House
...
high emtions
a talk
sun tan
McD
Her House
I Leave.. once again.. i leave
im working at GUESS now and it passes right by her house when on the bus.
i dont like leaving. i want her to leave sometimes. i want to be the one sayin have a nice trip. be safe. im thinking of you. i talk to you soon. why? BECAUSE! because i dont want to spend a day with her only having to take that long walk back to the metro. icant describe the feeling i get. its really hard. it feels like ill never see her again. it feels like i did something wrong and am being punished for it. but.. we can't always get what we want right?
im done with this. but not really. its late and i can keep talking. but i forgot what i was gonna type.. got lost in my own thoughts.
Good Night All
Im alright. ill deal with it. i want to. i need to. i love her. and id do anything for her.
PS: Condolences to a friend's uncle who passed.
lets make one thing clear. i do not mind taking my time to see someone i love with all my heart. but i do it causei want to. i do it cause she wants me to. i dont do it cause THEY give me no other choice to!! yes. its my decsion.
for those of you who even read my journal.. id like to clarify that i love Sophia Biondi. i sure as hell do. i know what love is. i know what love feels like. i know the diffenrence between liking, loving and lusting after a person. we talk on the phone at least 5 times a week at nght. on msn any chance i get and we have a healthy relationship in all aspects of what a relationship is. we talk about more than just out feelings aabout eachother.. we talk about many topics and we arent afraid to say what we think and feel aout things. we have pet names for eachother. we tease eachother. we know how one another feels. im not along for any ride. im not doing anything because its easy, or because i want something out of it. im not interested in a fling, or anything relating to a connection thats temporary with a person. fuck anyone who says or thinks otherwise. and if you do.. quite frankly, i couldnt give a shit about what you think.
i love her because she makes me smile even when im pissed of or utterly sad, much like today. thousgh today.. it got the best of me.. she smiled.. and i couldnt help but frown even further since i knew i couldnt caress her cheek and hold her close and kiss her lips for fear of her hesistation due to other entities floating around. am i being resonable. no. i admit it. as far as me, and her, alone goes.. a parent would say fuck no. though when theres a worry about PROXIMITY to aloneness.. in this case... RDP and my house... then theres an issue here im not happy with. and im sorry to know.. that my love isnt happy with either.
i leave her house so often it feels like idont belong. im not leaving cause i need to anymore... im leaving cause im not wanted. im a senstive guy. i know that. so im liely taking this to heart. but consider it for a momment. perhaps you'll see where im coming from.
a talk today served nothing really. i was being smiled at and 'agreed' with but the position is the same and all i felt like after the fact was like a complete idiot.. baring my soul only to be told that i just dont get it cause im too young (stupid) to really understand anything thats going on. so when i told you when you asked was a happy with the result. i said. ya. i guess. im happy it didnt turn into a flat out rejection.. but its like talking to my mom and the importnace she places on having my room cleaned. its all placation on both ends... and you give up becuse you just want to lay down to sleep.
what tops it is this idea that i am now a problem in their household. i am not the boyfriend anymore. im the newly adopted child they cant repremand so they can only bitch and compalin and bad mouth when im not around. i dont feel welcome in that house anymore. i dont care if they ask you a million times how im doing and if im coming over. i dont feel like im really wanted, but im endured and being making the best out of. bad sentance but its been a long day.
Andrew's Mind
Wake up
Shower
Bus
Metro
Walk
Her House
Hair
Her House
Park
Park2
Bus
Par3
My House
Dinner
Coffee
Goodbye My Baby
Reality
Wake up
Shower
Bus
Metro
Walk
Her House
Hair
Her House
...
high emtions
a talk
sun tan
McD
Her House
I Leave.. once again.. i leave
im working at GUESS now and it passes right by her house when on the bus.
i dont like leaving. i want her to leave sometimes. i want to be the one sayin have a nice trip. be safe. im thinking of you. i talk to you soon. why? BECAUSE! because i dont want to spend a day with her only having to take that long walk back to the metro. icant describe the feeling i get. its really hard. it feels like ill never see her again. it feels like i did something wrong and am being punished for it. but.. we can't always get what we want right?
im done with this. but not really. its late and i can keep talking. but i forgot what i was gonna type.. got lost in my own thoughts.
Good Night All
Im alright. ill deal with it. i want to. i need to. i love her. and id do anything for her.
PS: Condolences to a friend's uncle who passed.