tonight
i wish someone was there to hold me.
that my depression wasn't so awful & destructive.
i wish my mind was as beautiful a place as my heart.
i wish i could remember how it felt to be sexual before the rape.
i wish Stripe would have loved me mire than Paul & she was here and we were safe, like only two lesbians can be.
i wish i spoke. i go many days without speaking a word.
my fear embarrasses me.
my hope does too.
new ventures, dreams, thoughts create a landslide and i fall apart again.
i wish i knew who i was.
i wish my ex husband would die.
i miss my daughter.
i feel empty, alone and the only pleasure i get is smoking cigarettes and reading away the thoughts.
i feel like i will never get truly better.
that this hollow place is my destiny.
that i deserved it.