Oct 04, 2013 12:16
“Although anxiety is part of life, never let it control you.”
― Paulo Coelho, Manuscript Found in Accra
It is true I have let much of my anxiety control me. What do I do if it all falls apart? I How do I get it right? i am talking right now with a French woman who has lived here for 17 years and works in litigation for Walmart. she's brilliant and lovely... And advises me, save everything. Save your money. Don't worry about this American dream. Live small, travel, save and plan for the future. But live now. Don't go into a big life and expect your wanderlust to dissolve. These are words of a stranger. Can you imagine? Like someone reading the book of me over coffee and random chance.
I am so terrified of getting married. i have the biggest crush on a professor from Iran. I want to touch his face and feel smothered by his dark eyes. i have not allowed myself to feel vulnerable in years. To really FEEL I'm overwhelmed. That's so sad. But I feel I am older, and saggier and not many men, without my clothes would want me. Plus, depression is awful at times. But maybe, i think, maybe it is because i am not happy. Maybe I am sad because it isn't right to be married, to be with him... to live in this picket fence lifestyle.
I just hang out at coffee shops really, talk and try to connect. Not deep long connections, but getting to know people that are for whatever reason brought to my path. that is the biggest thrill i get from my day. I want to be free from all entrapments. I do not feel there are things in life that trap me, of course. my Pedro dog, Paisley... these are good. But I struggle so much lately with the duty of wife. With three puppies who are all needy and do not have a yard to play in. But i can see my friends coming to visit. i can see Paul in the garden. I can see us holding and comforting one another. Sharing muffins and watching TV and going to Target. but the secrets I see in my mind.
so naughty. So complex. between wanting to bone the fuck out of Professor Iran and kiss every other lesbian i meet- i am not sure what the fuck i do? My lust is saturating my imagination right now. I am sure that i can at one point, really grow up and become a good wholesome girl, but then i think why the FUCK would i want that? What is my dream? MY American dream? i am so many people in one sack of flesh. A big tithed, lusty Italian Choctaw who needs, craves attention and fancy things in life- but i am also a demure and sexually submissive slut caught in the web of a Domme persona, which my husband to be certainly betted on. But that side, the dominant side, is waning lately and i resent him for wanting me to be that. i want him to be stronger, to say no to me. i was warned, oh eric, i know how you warned me.
I am just chaos right now. I cannot settle on what I want long term. I don't even want to. I just would like to feel flesh to flesh and live in that romantic dream for a while.
some people are different every month. i am one of those people.
i have adventures. I take new themes\ i create art and study and invest in culture.
Paul wants to work and come home and go to concerts, but mainly- do the same things in the same house, with the same person.
that scares the shit out of me.