Cold Feet
Lets talk this over,
It's not like we're dead.
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging…
In a city so dead.
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread.
You were all the things I thought I knew…
And I thought we could be.
You were everything, everything,
that I wanted.
We were meant to be, supposed to be,
But we lost it.
All of our memories so close to me
Just fade away…
All this time you were pretending…
So much for my happy ending.
I feel as if I’ve been holding my breath since that fateful night on October the 3rd and that only now for the first time I can actually breathe. I put all my energy, heart and soul into that relationship even though it was unsalvageable. It didn’t matter how much exertion I was putting in to save it…. because he was pulling away with as much force and simultaneously willing it to fail.
We ended it for the Final time. To say that it ran its natural course would be an understatement. I insisted on flogging a dead horse and this was futile so it only prolonged the inevitable and left us both miserable and spent. I was afraid of losing D and for some deranged reason I had felt like I couldn’t even breathe or function without him. But this was just in my head. I’ll THRIVE without that tension damn it! This is so, so, SO good. I can’t express how relieved I am… like I’m in this new positive zone. Sure I’m going to have to grieve a bit. I’m now human after all and I’ve been hurt a lot… it just sucks to know that you’ve given everything you can and it wasn’t enough… but at the same time I’m proud that I have nothing that I regret not having tried or said or done that could’ve altered anything (in terms of fixing us). For the first time in my life I revealed all of my feelings (even though they went unreturned) and I’ll be all right. I have more passion for my work than anything in the world and that gets me through everything.
He hung up on me and that was it! When I'd really needed him. I was inconsolable and lost. I wondered up and down Avenue A in a frenzy. It was after 1 am when I left Brett’s 33rd birthday festivities at Lucy’s (after we all had gotten back from seeing “Evil Dead: the musical” w. Formika). I had been feeling festive and thought I’d like to call D to suggest we get a drink (as well as to remind him of our appointment the next morning…) So much was at stake! But when he answered his phone it was with an instigating “What do you want?”… I guess he wanted me to know that he was in a “dark mood.” Like that would justify his rudeness somehow. Whatever.
He said he needed to talk. That he’d still go through with it but that he needed time (even though a week ago he was the one who had suggested we rush things.) When I panicked he chastised me, telling me not to “whine.” I freaked out. The beginning of the end. He said he was just postponing our date and that I had nothing without him. He was right about that obviously.
nothing was resolved as usual and he still didn’t want to see me. said that I’d have to accept this because he just doesn’t want to see Anyone, period. It wasn’t about me. I was apparently selfish. So selfish for wanting to see my lover and for being needy and girly and desperate. He sarcastically said that “obviously” there must be a problem with HIM if he wasn’t uber attracted to me,...right. Because EVERYONE has to be. It was mean. All I was saying was that since we’d been mutually physically attracted to each other in the past… and since we’ve fucking dated intensely on and off over a year… that this was hardly some far off and ridiculous idea!
Well it was a nasty fight but we’ve definitely had worse. I didn’t say one thing that I didn’t fully mean (except maybe that one inane circular argument I’d made about him being lucky to have me…which had to have been a result of the wine and fatigue or maybe just my own desperation) I have no silly dreams of spending my life with D like he pompously assumed! My God, I have gotten bored many times… but I had believed in us enough to want to work THROUGH these lackluster moments. He couldn’t give me what I wanted! Couldn’t! He’s incapable! That’s a painful conclusion to come to!
I made it clear that yes, I did love him but that it had just donned on me that the person I THOUGHT he was didn’t actually exist. It was my fault because I’d endowed him with this troubled, mysterious, tortured genius angsty thing. I’d needed him so much and I could never ever get close enough to him. To me he was Roger and I was Mimi. I’m just too dramatic! when we fought I’d hear the mirrored lyrics from “Another Day” and always naively thought that if we’d just follow Jonathon Larson’s simple mottos like “No Day But Today” than we’d be all right. I wish we could have.
Fine, your laughing and saying I’m a naïve fucking little actress girl… but my intentions were pure so you can’t fault me for my idealism! You can’t. I so desperately wanted this to work but then on Tuesday night it donned on me that it COULDN’T. Because once I’d actually vocalized to D that he was just a regular, conflicted, 20 year-old NORMAL human who wasn’t any more or less special than anyone ELSE than in the world… well then the spell had been broken. I hadn’t been so delusional. He HAD been that person to me as long as I had so fully believed it… resulting in him actually BECOMING that person when we were together. That was what made it all so orgasmically beautiful when things were good between us…. That was what I had had fought kicking and screaming to keep. This was the most influential all encompassing relationship I’ve ever had in my life and I’ll never regret any of it. But once this was in the air between us, it became impossible and silly. I saw him for the first time as how most of the rest of the world (excluding the inverse crew and the rest of his troubled disciples…which I had previously been a proud and dependent member!) must accurately see him as. I became completely dissillusioned and some how immidiately started to get over him on the spot. There could be no greater turn off.
Then I was free to leave. He pointed out that he had never actually claimed to be any of those things and that I had just been fantasizing. But now that the fantasy was dead, he no longer owned me in any way.
After he hung up with his trademark apathetic “whatever” I felt lower than ever before. I wondered into a dark bar, collapsed and ordered a rum and coke. Sat at the bar and cried hysterically into my drink. The tears intensified and I didn’t even try to conceal them or make excuses or anything. Everyone stared at the poor brokenhearted redhead and I was alone and miserable. Well directly after I’d chugged my drink , the man next to me asked in a kindly manner what could have possibly upset me like that… but once I looked up to answer the bartender lady caught my eye. Shit, she knew I was underage. I thought I’d die of humiliation when she asked me for some i.d. so I just made up some lame excuse and ran off into the night. It was kind of tragic but part of the icky healing process I guess.
But only a couple minutes later a guy on the street asked me if he could cheer me up by getting a drink. I made polite conversation and left shortly after my long island iced tea appeared. He was very sweet and I won’t forget his kindness. By now it was really late and I stumbled back to Lucy’s and luckily Brett was still there. I love my roommates.
Now a a bit of time has passed and I have a slightly better perspective on this whole thing. Yesterday I saw Flannel Pajamas (which cheered me up ahaha) and I did a lot of writing and thinking things through over peppermint hot chocolate in B & N.
Now I feel healthy and ready to take on the world again. Where had this girl gone?
Justin has been nursing my wounds and that’s precisely what I need right now. What’s with me and showmances? Obviously this is a rebound but he’s a great guy too. He’s appealing and lighthearted and refreshing. Nothing like D. NOTHING! yet I’ll have no problem remaining cool & unattached which is necessary. I need the reassurance that I’m not the failure… not the problem… that someone out there finds me attractive. this temporary thing is just what I needed.
My work on Camino Real has never been better… Stephan is pleased and Fred gave me a rare compliment by telling me that he enjoyed watching my work yesterday. The show is at 7 pm on Sunday, December 3rd at the Makor/Steinhart center. 35 W. 67th street off of Columbus. The cast is beautiful and it should be an entertaining evening.
I left david a final message… (and a bitter text, but that’s neither here nor there. I have reason to be bitter) stating the obvious, that we shouldn’t contact each other until after Christmas (not that he’d call anyway aha) and that even if ________should happen… well we wouldn’t date. once he returns my call (I'm not holding my breath)than I'll never have to think about any of this again. Finis.
He could never make me happy and this is how it was meant to be. I guess I can return the birthday gifts to Virgin. The ones he never cared about enough to pick-up. I need the money. I can now resume smelling like candy and surviving on non-foods and being my old Waif self. I’m free to go to LA if I wish in the end of January…or London. New York City will always have my soul and I pray to God that I’ll be able to stay here.
I hope D and I can remain friends even though we both hate each other right now. we’re obviously incompatible in the romantic sense. poison. This isn’t news to anyone who’s followed my journals. We’ve been through a LOT together and This Thing was supposed to be done out of friendship anyway…
I will never ever forget him… but I’ve also moved on. At last.
You've got your dumb friends,
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult,
But so are they
But they don't know me…
Do they even know you ?
All the things you hide from me…
All the shit that you do
All this time you were pretending…
So much for my happy ending.
It's not like we're dead.
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging…
In a city so dead.
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread.
You were all the things I thought I knew…
And I thought we could be.
You were everything, everything,
that I wanted.
We were meant to be, supposed to be,
But we lost it.
All of our memories so close to me
Just fade away…
All this time you were pretending…
So much for my happy ending.
I feel as if I’ve been holding my breath since that fateful night on October the 3rd and that only now for the first time I can actually breathe. I put all my energy, heart and soul into that relationship even though it was unsalvageable. It didn’t matter how much exertion I was putting in to save it…. because he was pulling away with as much force and simultaneously willing it to fail.
We ended it for the Final time. To say that it ran its natural course would be an understatement. I insisted on flogging a dead horse and this was futile so it only prolonged the inevitable and left us both miserable and spent. I was afraid of losing D and for some deranged reason I had felt like I couldn’t even breathe or function without him. But this was just in my head. I’ll THRIVE without that tension damn it! This is so, so, SO good. I can’t express how relieved I am… like I’m in this new positive zone. Sure I’m going to have to grieve a bit. I’m now human after all and I’ve been hurt a lot… it just sucks to know that you’ve given everything you can and it wasn’t enough… but at the same time I’m proud that I have nothing that I regret not having tried or said or done that could’ve altered anything (in terms of fixing us). For the first time in my life I revealed all of my feelings (even though they went unreturned) and I’ll be all right. I have more passion for my work than anything in the world and that gets me through everything.
He hung up on me and that was it! When I'd really needed him. I was inconsolable and lost. I wondered up and down Avenue A in a frenzy. It was after 1 am when I left Brett’s 33rd birthday festivities at Lucy’s (after we all had gotten back from seeing “Evil Dead: the musical” w. Formika). I had been feeling festive and thought I’d like to call D to suggest we get a drink (as well as to remind him of our appointment the next morning…) So much was at stake! But when he answered his phone it was with an instigating “What do you want?”… I guess he wanted me to know that he was in a “dark mood.” Like that would justify his rudeness somehow. Whatever.
He said he needed to talk. That he’d still go through with it but that he needed time (even though a week ago he was the one who had suggested we rush things.) When I panicked he chastised me, telling me not to “whine.” I freaked out. The beginning of the end. He said he was just postponing our date and that I had nothing without him. He was right about that obviously.
nothing was resolved as usual and he still didn’t want to see me. said that I’d have to accept this because he just doesn’t want to see Anyone, period. It wasn’t about me. I was apparently selfish. So selfish for wanting to see my lover and for being needy and girly and desperate. He sarcastically said that “obviously” there must be a problem with HIM if he wasn’t uber attracted to me,...right. Because EVERYONE has to be. It was mean. All I was saying was that since we’d been mutually physically attracted to each other in the past… and since we’ve fucking dated intensely on and off over a year… that this was hardly some far off and ridiculous idea!
Well it was a nasty fight but we’ve definitely had worse. I didn’t say one thing that I didn’t fully mean (except maybe that one inane circular argument I’d made about him being lucky to have me…which had to have been a result of the wine and fatigue or maybe just my own desperation) I have no silly dreams of spending my life with D like he pompously assumed! My God, I have gotten bored many times… but I had believed in us enough to want to work THROUGH these lackluster moments. He couldn’t give me what I wanted! Couldn’t! He’s incapable! That’s a painful conclusion to come to!
I made it clear that yes, I did love him but that it had just donned on me that the person I THOUGHT he was didn’t actually exist. It was my fault because I’d endowed him with this troubled, mysterious, tortured genius angsty thing. I’d needed him so much and I could never ever get close enough to him. To me he was Roger and I was Mimi. I’m just too dramatic! when we fought I’d hear the mirrored lyrics from “Another Day” and always naively thought that if we’d just follow Jonathon Larson’s simple mottos like “No Day But Today” than we’d be all right. I wish we could have.
Fine, your laughing and saying I’m a naïve fucking little actress girl… but my intentions were pure so you can’t fault me for my idealism! You can’t. I so desperately wanted this to work but then on Tuesday night it donned on me that it COULDN’T. Because once I’d actually vocalized to D that he was just a regular, conflicted, 20 year-old NORMAL human who wasn’t any more or less special than anyone ELSE than in the world… well then the spell had been broken. I hadn’t been so delusional. He HAD been that person to me as long as I had so fully believed it… resulting in him actually BECOMING that person when we were together. That was what made it all so orgasmically beautiful when things were good between us…. That was what I had had fought kicking and screaming to keep. This was the most influential all encompassing relationship I’ve ever had in my life and I’ll never regret any of it. But once this was in the air between us, it became impossible and silly. I saw him for the first time as how most of the rest of the world (excluding the inverse crew and the rest of his troubled disciples…which I had previously been a proud and dependent member!) must accurately see him as. I became completely dissillusioned and some how immidiately started to get over him on the spot. There could be no greater turn off.
Then I was free to leave. He pointed out that he had never actually claimed to be any of those things and that I had just been fantasizing. But now that the fantasy was dead, he no longer owned me in any way.
After he hung up with his trademark apathetic “whatever” I felt lower than ever before. I wondered into a dark bar, collapsed and ordered a rum and coke. Sat at the bar and cried hysterically into my drink. The tears intensified and I didn’t even try to conceal them or make excuses or anything. Everyone stared at the poor brokenhearted redhead and I was alone and miserable. Well directly after I’d chugged my drink , the man next to me asked in a kindly manner what could have possibly upset me like that… but once I looked up to answer the bartender lady caught my eye. Shit, she knew I was underage. I thought I’d die of humiliation when she asked me for some i.d. so I just made up some lame excuse and ran off into the night. It was kind of tragic but part of the icky healing process I guess.
But only a couple minutes later a guy on the street asked me if he could cheer me up by getting a drink. I made polite conversation and left shortly after my long island iced tea appeared. He was very sweet and I won’t forget his kindness. By now it was really late and I stumbled back to Lucy’s and luckily Brett was still there. I love my roommates.
Now a a bit of time has passed and I have a slightly better perspective on this whole thing. Yesterday I saw Flannel Pajamas (which cheered me up ahaha) and I did a lot of writing and thinking things through over peppermint hot chocolate in B & N.
Now I feel healthy and ready to take on the world again. Where had this girl gone?
Justin has been nursing my wounds and that’s precisely what I need right now. What’s with me and showmances? Obviously this is a rebound but he’s a great guy too. He’s appealing and lighthearted and refreshing. Nothing like D. NOTHING! yet I’ll have no problem remaining cool & unattached which is necessary. I need the reassurance that I’m not the failure… not the problem… that someone out there finds me attractive. this temporary thing is just what I needed.
My work on Camino Real has never been better… Stephan is pleased and Fred gave me a rare compliment by telling me that he enjoyed watching my work yesterday. The show is at 7 pm on Sunday, December 3rd at the Makor/Steinhart center. 35 W. 67th street off of Columbus. The cast is beautiful and it should be an entertaining evening.
I left david a final message… (and a bitter text, but that’s neither here nor there. I have reason to be bitter) stating the obvious, that we shouldn’t contact each other until after Christmas (not that he’d call anyway aha) and that even if ________should happen… well we wouldn’t date. once he returns my call (I'm not holding my breath)than I'll never have to think about any of this again. Finis.
He could never make me happy and this is how it was meant to be. I guess I can return the birthday gifts to Virgin. The ones he never cared about enough to pick-up. I need the money. I can now resume smelling like candy and surviving on non-foods and being my old Waif self. I’m free to go to LA if I wish in the end of January…or London. New York City will always have my soul and I pray to God that I’ll be able to stay here.
I hope D and I can remain friends even though we both hate each other right now. we’re obviously incompatible in the romantic sense. poison. This isn’t news to anyone who’s followed my journals. We’ve been through a LOT together and This Thing was supposed to be done out of friendship anyway…
I will never ever forget him… but I’ve also moved on. At last.
You've got your dumb friends,
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult,
But so are they
But they don't know me…
Do they even know you ?
All the things you hide from me…
All the shit that you do
All this time you were pretending…
So much for my happy ending.