Hail LJ full of grace...
It's funny because the nature of my paper journal is about private musings and being an anger/frustration/depression outlet, but when I post my thoughts online they seem forced because I'm too aware that someone else might read it and pass judgement. All my life I've struggled with being too concerned with other people's opinions. I've tried to be strong and opinionated but it really doesn't take much to crush me and then I retreat into a shell of self-loathing. I was in a disastrous relationship five years ago where I was manipulated and controlled by a manic depressive. Sometimes I hate myself so much for letting it go on so long. But when you are subject to emotional tyranny, and cut off from the usual forms of support like family and friends, it's sometimes too difficult to create any sort of autonomous existence. I finally was able to go through with the break up because I physically removed myself from the situation by running home to Alaska. When I returned to California I had to get a restraining order and everything, but at least I know I will never let myself be so controlled again. So I guess what I'm saying is that I don't write in my journal much because I'm afraid. It sounds silly, I know. The whole LJ forum seems to be about making connections. I started one because I wanted to commune with other people who were interested in and passionate about China and learning Mandarin. But I haven't posted much, and judging by the total non-response to my shameless mention of my birthday in the previous post, I'm just not connecting. Oh well. Maybe it was all the talk about mental illness. But I have to decide for myself what I want my journal to be. I think I would write in it more if I just treated it as a chronicle of my day-to-day existence. Just wrote a line or two every day. I’ve never had a journal or a blog or a website before. When we go back to China or try out Taiwan, I’d love to start a real website. I’ve said before that I survive my dreary work days by reading other peoples’ China blogs. I tend to like blogs written by women the best because I can relate to their experiences in a more personal way, but I have to say that http://www.shanghaidiaries.com/ by Dan Washburn is one of the best websites by a waiguoren living in China. He is currently embarked on “The Trip”, a fascinating travel itinerary consisting of mostly non-touristy destinations where he stays with friends and contacts he’s made. He is an amazing writer and he writes about his travels in a way that is entertaining and yet never fails to move me and force me to think. Check it out if you have the time, it’s so worth it. Well that’s all for now. Bless me LJ for I have sinned, I hereby resolve to be a better and more frequent journal writer. Amen.