(no subject)
This year I wrote a stream of conciousness story for my mom... And yes, I wrote it on mothers day. I live life on the edge man.
I warn you, it's crazy. And fairly unedited since I gave it to her an hour after I wrote it, thus there may be tonnes of grammar and typo crap.
“Holy crap!” Dan swore as he discovered it was 12 o’clock on mother’s day.
“It’s a good thing I bought a card in advance.” He was feeling quite proud, getting things done in advance and all. Actually he was surprised he was able to find time to get a card since the week was packed with musical and bomb threats… Wait, did he get a card?
“Holy crap, again!” Dan swore as he realized he was just making crap up, he never got a card.
Ok, no need to panic; all he needed to do was make a card. All he needed was a bit of glitter glue, some macaroni and possibly African conflict diamonds and he would be in the clear. He scuttled around his room collecting his three gallon drum of glitter glue and satchel of diamonds he had collected from his adventures with Sean Connery and Harrison Ford. Those were the days. With brightly coloured construction paper and crayola safety scissors at the ready he was prepared to make the hell out of this card.
“Wait,” Dan pondered, “Where’s the macaroni?”
In a franticly hilarious dash to the kitchen Dan made for the crappy pasta shapes. But it was after being stopped by a conviently placed counter that he relized…
”Crap! We don’t have any macaroni. These aren’t any good without macaroni.” Dan said as he chucked the valuable diamonds out the window.
Oh what was he to do, on the one day he was supposed to appreciate the hell out of his mother.
“Well she did say not to get anything…”
Just then Mr. T smashed through the patio doors in a flurry of mother-loving justice.
“I pity the foo who don’t appreciate their mother,” T began, “Don’t go talking down on your mother, she’s not here, and if it weren’t for her you wouldn’t be here either. Treat yo mother right, foo.”
And as suddenly as he had came Mr. T activated his rocket boots and shattered through the skylight.
“Paul’s gonna kill me…” Dan mused as he stood amongst the rubble that was his living room, “But the 80’s TV icon is right, I can’t give up on my mother.”
Hoping there would be time to clean up the big black man’s mess when he got back, Dan did a ninja backflip off the deck, soon landing gracefully on his feet in the driveway. He had promised the master he would only use his ninja skills for fighting the forces of evil and defending his mother’s honor, so he was still good.
Dashing down the Bedford highway, fueled only by love and ninjitsu, Dan needed to find out a way to show his mom he loved her… Without money or macaroni of course, it’s common knowledge that Dan is broke and we already went over the macaroni bit. Jeeze, weren’t you listening?
But what could he do? It was Sunday so most of Nova Scotia was in Church or sitting on their asses… Damn Sunday shopping plebiscite, why couldn’t this province be more progressive? Then he had an idea…
Reciting the ancient ninja chant, Dan actived his ninja vanish and was downtown in a matter of seconds.
Alas, duty called. The nefarious villain Dr. Cram was holding Myra Freeman, Gordon Freeman and Morgan Freeman hostage with his new by-law ray.
“Help us Dan!” The local representative of the queen, videogame character and academy award winning actor cried.
“Sweet mother of crap!” Dan yelled as he ninja leapt to the Metro Center where I neglected to mention all this crap was happening. The villain turned to the flying Dan Ninja and let loose a blast of his by-law ray.
Unfortunately for Dan, Dr. Cram was a extremely good shot, and without his boxers of protection +1 Dan was powerless against the Dr’s invention. After being tagged he was tackled by three hefty men in suits, who informed him he was in violation of by-law 6844035-B3 stating that there will be no Ninjitsu on Mothers day.
“Damn.” Our now powerless hero stated, “How the crap am I gonna save all those Freemeneses now?”
But he remember the motivational words of his guardian and mentor Paul Migley.
“Shut up, Coronation Street is on.” The ghostly voice echoed through his mind.
“Right,” Our hero groaned, “That was totally useless.”
Dan tried desperately to find someone else to inspire him at the last possible moment. Tim? No, too much of a skinny emo kid. Gail? Eeeeh, Who’d want to be inspired to live like her. Glen?
Dan laughed uncontrollably, “Phibbit, Glen. That’s a hoot.”
Somewhere in Toronto Glen Roach felt a pang of unspeakable sadness. But then Joan left for work.
Ok, there had to be someone. How was he ever gonna make his mother feel appreciated if he couldn’t even stop a villain’s evil plan… Wait… His mother!
Empowered by the thought of motherly love Dan was granted the gift of magic powers… Magic sign powers. Using his newfound abilities Dan materialized a gigantic sign advertising the Art Gallery of Bedford and held it over the city.
“Noooo” Dr. Cram yelled as his by-law rays bounced harmlessly against the majesty of the sign, “It’s far too big! You’ve gone over your limitations! YOUR SQUARE FOOTAGE LIMITATIONS! THE LIMITATIONS!”
And he flew off in the direction of Jim Meggan’s house and exploded. No decent human beings were hurt.
“Thank you Dan,” Morgan Freeman’s majestic stage voice rang out, “Perhaps I can give you a free trip to my Caribbean estate.”
“Or a crowbar!” Gordon added.
”Or thousands of dollars of taxpayers money funneled to your bank account.” Myra rounded the offers out with a cheap shot at the government.
“No my friends,” Dan mentioned as ran from the scene, “I need to find a cheap and easy gift for my mom.”
“That’s one dedicated son, she should be proud of him.” Morgan Freeman said. You hear that, Morgan Freeman said that about me, motherfucking Morgan Freeman.
With that Dan returned to his idea for a gift. Which was… Which was… Goddamnit! I knew I should have written it down. Ok, cut to Peter Kelly’s office and we’ll deal from there.
“Thank you Dan Rodgers,” The mayor of Th’ Fax began, “Our supercity owes you quite a debt getting rid of that evil doctor. We no longer have to worry about assholes setting up dental practices across the street from fine establishments.”
”Cool, why don’t you buy a painting?”
“Because I’m a tool.” Mayor Kelly retorted, “But I will give you the key to the city and the Coast has written an article on you.”
So Dan left with the oversized novelty key in hands and the knowledge that his story would never be known since he was competing against Dan Savage’s article on nymphomaniac supermodels. But you win some and lose some.
Dan was dejected though; he had no gift, no money and no ninja powers. Mr. T was gonna be pissed.
Luckily it was time for another convenient cameo.
Alex Trebec just happened to be walking down the street with his good friend the Ken Jennings.
“What’s got you so down son?” The Jeopardy host asked our hero.
“What is a shitty mothers day.” Dan replied.
“Correct.” Alex responded quickly.
“I’ll take ways to get out of this mess for 1000 Alex.”
“This entertaining use of your talents allows you to show your mother you love her without spending a dime.” Alex read from a cue-card that appeared from nowhere.
“What is a nonsensical story!” Ken buzzed in before Dan could comment about how stupid this has become.
But no matter how upset Dan was he couldn’t argue with the fact Ken was right. Hell, Ken was always right, except when it comes to blue-collar jobs. Then he’s screwed.
Dan used the one time teleport setting on the key to the city to warp his way back to his room without anybody noticing he was gone.
“Excellent,” He said as he began to write down the exciting events that transpired as you were watching a movie.
Oh, and Stephen Hawkings’ black hole research in the Bedford basin caused a time rift that cleaned up Mr. T’s mess. That’s why that’s not there.
THE END!
I warn you, it's crazy. And fairly unedited since I gave it to her an hour after I wrote it, thus there may be tonnes of grammar and typo crap.
“Holy crap!” Dan swore as he discovered it was 12 o’clock on mother’s day.
“It’s a good thing I bought a card in advance.” He was feeling quite proud, getting things done in advance and all. Actually he was surprised he was able to find time to get a card since the week was packed with musical and bomb threats… Wait, did he get a card?
“Holy crap, again!” Dan swore as he realized he was just making crap up, he never got a card.
Ok, no need to panic; all he needed to do was make a card. All he needed was a bit of glitter glue, some macaroni and possibly African conflict diamonds and he would be in the clear. He scuttled around his room collecting his three gallon drum of glitter glue and satchel of diamonds he had collected from his adventures with Sean Connery and Harrison Ford. Those were the days. With brightly coloured construction paper and crayola safety scissors at the ready he was prepared to make the hell out of this card.
“Wait,” Dan pondered, “Where’s the macaroni?”
In a franticly hilarious dash to the kitchen Dan made for the crappy pasta shapes. But it was after being stopped by a conviently placed counter that he relized…
”Crap! We don’t have any macaroni. These aren’t any good without macaroni.” Dan said as he chucked the valuable diamonds out the window.
Oh what was he to do, on the one day he was supposed to appreciate the hell out of his mother.
“Well she did say not to get anything…”
Just then Mr. T smashed through the patio doors in a flurry of mother-loving justice.
“I pity the foo who don’t appreciate their mother,” T began, “Don’t go talking down on your mother, she’s not here, and if it weren’t for her you wouldn’t be here either. Treat yo mother right, foo.”
And as suddenly as he had came Mr. T activated his rocket boots and shattered through the skylight.
“Paul’s gonna kill me…” Dan mused as he stood amongst the rubble that was his living room, “But the 80’s TV icon is right, I can’t give up on my mother.”
Hoping there would be time to clean up the big black man’s mess when he got back, Dan did a ninja backflip off the deck, soon landing gracefully on his feet in the driveway. He had promised the master he would only use his ninja skills for fighting the forces of evil and defending his mother’s honor, so he was still good.
Dashing down the Bedford highway, fueled only by love and ninjitsu, Dan needed to find out a way to show his mom he loved her… Without money or macaroni of course, it’s common knowledge that Dan is broke and we already went over the macaroni bit. Jeeze, weren’t you listening?
But what could he do? It was Sunday so most of Nova Scotia was in Church or sitting on their asses… Damn Sunday shopping plebiscite, why couldn’t this province be more progressive? Then he had an idea…
Reciting the ancient ninja chant, Dan actived his ninja vanish and was downtown in a matter of seconds.
Alas, duty called. The nefarious villain Dr. Cram was holding Myra Freeman, Gordon Freeman and Morgan Freeman hostage with his new by-law ray.
“Help us Dan!” The local representative of the queen, videogame character and academy award winning actor cried.
“Sweet mother of crap!” Dan yelled as he ninja leapt to the Metro Center where I neglected to mention all this crap was happening. The villain turned to the flying Dan Ninja and let loose a blast of his by-law ray.
Unfortunately for Dan, Dr. Cram was a extremely good shot, and without his boxers of protection +1 Dan was powerless against the Dr’s invention. After being tagged he was tackled by three hefty men in suits, who informed him he was in violation of by-law 6844035-B3 stating that there will be no Ninjitsu on Mothers day.
“Damn.” Our now powerless hero stated, “How the crap am I gonna save all those Freemeneses now?”
But he remember the motivational words of his guardian and mentor Paul Migley.
“Shut up, Coronation Street is on.” The ghostly voice echoed through his mind.
“Right,” Our hero groaned, “That was totally useless.”
Dan tried desperately to find someone else to inspire him at the last possible moment. Tim? No, too much of a skinny emo kid. Gail? Eeeeh, Who’d want to be inspired to live like her. Glen?
Dan laughed uncontrollably, “Phibbit, Glen. That’s a hoot.”
Somewhere in Toronto Glen Roach felt a pang of unspeakable sadness. But then Joan left for work.
Ok, there had to be someone. How was he ever gonna make his mother feel appreciated if he couldn’t even stop a villain’s evil plan… Wait… His mother!
Empowered by the thought of motherly love Dan was granted the gift of magic powers… Magic sign powers. Using his newfound abilities Dan materialized a gigantic sign advertising the Art Gallery of Bedford and held it over the city.
“Noooo” Dr. Cram yelled as his by-law rays bounced harmlessly against the majesty of the sign, “It’s far too big! You’ve gone over your limitations! YOUR SQUARE FOOTAGE LIMITATIONS! THE LIMITATIONS!”
And he flew off in the direction of Jim Meggan’s house and exploded. No decent human beings were hurt.
“Thank you Dan,” Morgan Freeman’s majestic stage voice rang out, “Perhaps I can give you a free trip to my Caribbean estate.”
“Or a crowbar!” Gordon added.
”Or thousands of dollars of taxpayers money funneled to your bank account.” Myra rounded the offers out with a cheap shot at the government.
“No my friends,” Dan mentioned as ran from the scene, “I need to find a cheap and easy gift for my mom.”
“That’s one dedicated son, she should be proud of him.” Morgan Freeman said. You hear that, Morgan Freeman said that about me, motherfucking Morgan Freeman.
With that Dan returned to his idea for a gift. Which was… Which was… Goddamnit! I knew I should have written it down. Ok, cut to Peter Kelly’s office and we’ll deal from there.
“Thank you Dan Rodgers,” The mayor of Th’ Fax began, “Our supercity owes you quite a debt getting rid of that evil doctor. We no longer have to worry about assholes setting up dental practices across the street from fine establishments.”
”Cool, why don’t you buy a painting?”
“Because I’m a tool.” Mayor Kelly retorted, “But I will give you the key to the city and the Coast has written an article on you.”
So Dan left with the oversized novelty key in hands and the knowledge that his story would never be known since he was competing against Dan Savage’s article on nymphomaniac supermodels. But you win some and lose some.
Dan was dejected though; he had no gift, no money and no ninja powers. Mr. T was gonna be pissed.
Luckily it was time for another convenient cameo.
Alex Trebec just happened to be walking down the street with his good friend the Ken Jennings.
“What’s got you so down son?” The Jeopardy host asked our hero.
“What is a shitty mothers day.” Dan replied.
“Correct.” Alex responded quickly.
“I’ll take ways to get out of this mess for 1000 Alex.”
“This entertaining use of your talents allows you to show your mother you love her without spending a dime.” Alex read from a cue-card that appeared from nowhere.
“What is a nonsensical story!” Ken buzzed in before Dan could comment about how stupid this has become.
But no matter how upset Dan was he couldn’t argue with the fact Ken was right. Hell, Ken was always right, except when it comes to blue-collar jobs. Then he’s screwed.
Dan used the one time teleport setting on the key to the city to warp his way back to his room without anybody noticing he was gone.
“Excellent,” He said as he began to write down the exciting events that transpired as you were watching a movie.
Oh, and Stephen Hawkings’ black hole research in the Bedford basin caused a time rift that cleaned up Mr. T’s mess. That’s why that’s not there.
THE END!