gleetastic
"Furt" Recap for PS:
So this isn't terribly amusing, since 1) Glee is already a comedy, mocking it is sometimes redundant 2) PS didn't see the first season mostly, so a lot of it really is explanatory, rather than lulzy. And if you plan on watching Glee at all, this spoils things that you really DO NOT WANT to see here. But there are fun .gifs courtesy of fight_the_sky, so. At your discretion.
Previously on Glee (so that you know what continuity has been deemed worthy of relevancy this episode):
1) Kurt and Finn set the bar for polarizing the fandom because every time they interact they’re both being douchenozzles and which of them is more at fault becomes a circus of blame. Kurt had a crush on Finn, who is straight, so naturally he humiliated Rachel and set up his dad with Finn’s mom because that will definitely make him like you, dude; Finn dealt with this by using a homophobic slur that got him kicked out of the Hummel house. Kurt didn’t tell Finn that Burt was in the hospital; Finn yelled at Kurt for not taking the time to tell him that Burt was in the hospital just because, you know, HIS DAD IS IN THE HOSPITAL, maybe a little distracting. Kurt tried to sing a duet with Sam even though it’d get Sam made fun of and maybe make him quit glee club; Finn emotionally blackmailed him out of it because they ~live in a homophobic world.~ (Kurt is, I feel I should emphasize, totally over this crush, and Finn knows it.)
Also Karofsky continues to step up the death threat/flirtation vibe.
2) Sam and Quinn are dating. Apparently this does not make them boyfriend and girlfriend, but they’re dating. Or not. Whatever, they’ve been on dates.
3) Sue used to date Rod Remington, but it turns out he’s pretty much like a grown-up Puck - cheats because “I’m a dude. I have NEEDS.” So she dumped his ass. Exclusive is the only way she does it.
Teaser:
A giddy Kurt is being dragged down the hall by his dad and Carole, Finn’s mom.
(My mom: What is on his head?
Me: I ask myself this question every week.)
The trio corners Finn at his locker, where he worries that they may be staging an intervention. Kurt dismisses this possibility, as if it is it’s for both them, and ain’t no one intervening on Kurt Hummel. Carole and Burt manage, between the two of them, to squeal out the good news: they’re engaged!
Kurt dissolves into paroxysms of joy; Finn is a little less gleeful. Possibly especially since Burt just proposed a few seconds ago here, at school, because that’s “where Kurt introduced us.” You know, when he introduced them so that he could get into Finn’s pants. Burt assures him that they’re getting a new house, so he doesn’t have to bunk with Kurt this time. Carole asks that Finn be happy for her; he says he is and does genuinely mean it. Right up until they’re having a family hug when a group of jocks walk by; Finn flinches the hell out of that one because someone might think he’s gay, omg end of the world.
Kurt instantly takes over the wedding planning. He has a trunk of wedding magazines stashed under his bed. Like porn. “I’m thinking of a russet and cognac theme - those are colors, Finn, fall wedding colors…”
Burt is concerned mainly with the band, because he plans on boogeying down with Carole. Kurt has the perfect plan: Nude Erections, seriously why is Lea Michelle the only one who can pronounce this New Directions. “Long story short - you’re having a glee wedding!”
AND SCENE.
Act One:
Sue Sylvester is sending out invitations. Why?
After “Sue’s Corner”, in the latest edition of which she congratulates the homeless on being “urban campers,” Rod announces on the air that he is marrying Angela, his co-anchor and the woman Sue caught him cheating on her with. “Not to worry, ladies - it’s an open marriage.” Sue is incensed that he dare to humiliate her in this way; people know they dated! Rob points out that “You can’t tame the tiger. You’ve read my tattoos.” Angela informs Sue that she will die alone.
Aw hell to the naw. Sue signs onto eDesperate and finds that there is only one match for Sue Sylvester, and that fine person is… Sue Freakin’ Sylvester. She is now merrily setting stamps to envelopes inviting you to the marriage of Sue Sylvester and Sue Sylvester. Thanks, eDesperate.
Meanwhile, in the weight room: Sam is lifting despite his injured shoulder, which he received in the third episode, apparently was not a concern in the fifth, but is now an issue again in the eighth. Finn is concerned, anyway. Sam means no disrespect, but he wants to get the QB position back from Finn; he really wants to be popular. Finn didn’t think he cared about that stuff, so apparently he hasn’t met Sam and has spent the last two years with his head in a hole, because seriously, Finn, what is this entire show about? Finn also doesn’t think that being QB will guarantee Sam’s popularity, especially since he can’t get head cheerleader Quinn to be his girlfriend. Sam essentially says, “Dude, I love you, but I am going to get your job and your ex-girlfriend. Peace out.”
In search of attaining this most worthy aim, Sam goes back to the goddamn astronomy classroom, seriously what is it with these mobiles getting the glee kids all hot and bothered, with Quinn. He gets down on one knee and, I swear to god, PROPOSES. Well, kind of. He wants to marry her someday; for now, he’s offering a promise ring, to symbolize his oath to be the best goddamn boyfriend she could ever want, because they should be the stars of McKinley. Quinn closes the ring-box and gives him a maybe.
And in the hallway: Kurt’s locker is now an altar not only to Blaine, but also to all things marital.
(And Mercedes and April Rhodes, oh bb you so cute.)
Finn wants a chance to show his support for the couple, and is appealing to the one in charge of, seriously, everything. Kurt has the perfect idea: after Finn walks his mom down the aisle and reads his speech, which Kurt will write “although you are free to suggest overall themes,” Finn may have a mother/son dance to kick things off. Finn balks, because he’s an awful dancer, but then realizes this will make him look cool and studly if he can pull it off. Dancing with your mom: studly?
Kurt: Totally.
Finn thanks him and meanders off.
Kurt takes the little cake-topper couple out of his locker - to carry around, I don’t even know man, inspiration? - and closes the door.
Karofsky is standing there.
I can’t even… describe this, it’s all down to Colfer and Adler’s acting. Karofsky just stands there and it’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen, I couldn’t breathe for the duration of this scene. Kurt says he doesn’t want Karofsky near him; Karofsky kind of smiles and puts a finger on Kurt’s chest. He moves his hand and takes the topper, goes, “Can I have this? Thanks,” and walks away.
Will, standing over by some other students, sees Kurt’s face and goes over, asks if Kurt’s okay. Kurt says no; Will ushers him to the principal’s office.
President Principal Sue can’t do anything unless they can prove that Karofsky deliberately hurt Kurt. She’s sorry, but appears to think that bullying is pretty much a rite of passage and will make Kurt stronger in the long run. Kurt’s sick of being scared. He can’t concentrate, he doesn’t feel like part of the school. Will is pissed that Sue won’t do more. She promises to expel Karofsky in two seconds flat if Kurt gets hurt, but until then, sucks to be him. Will gives up on Sue’s better nature; Kurt makes one last appeal - he’s also sick of being called “Lady,” which is bullying. Sue “thought that was [his] name.” She allows him to choose his own nickname from a list as an apology. Kurt goes with “Porcelain.” Sue is disappointed, as she wanted “Tickle Me Dough Face.”
Act Two:
In the choir room: Rachel is staging an intervention, since someone had to this episode. She has called upon Brittany, Tina, and Quinn because all four of them have football team boyfriends who can band together to defend Kurt. Tina agrees that the situation calls for extra help - they’re used to teasing, but “something about sexual harassment what Karofsky is doing is so much worse.” They are, however, all distracted by the crucial issues of whether Brittany is in fact dating Artie (“Deal with it.”) and whether Quinn is in fact dating Sam (she says she’s not. Continuity has no place here, I don’t even). Quinn also objects to Rachel setting the feminist movement back fifty years with this ~have our men handle the problem~ approach. Rachel points out that they need muscle to face a guy like Karofsky. Quinn isn’t into fighting violence with violence, either. Rachel insists that’s not the plan; they just need numbers.
Santana comes in, wanting to know why she was left out of the glee girls meeting. Rachel promptly backtracks - they apparently need specifically guy numbers; this is a meeting for girls with boyfriends. Santana says that she’s dating Puck. Quinn, probably still pissed at Santana over their head cheerleader competition, splits hairs with, “You’re getting naked with Puck.” Ah, yes, slutshaming, a fine feminist tradition. Anyway , Tina adds, Puck can’t help as he’s on probation. Santana is dismissed with a threat to Rachel, who goes back to their need to defend Kurt from bullying. You know, bullying. Not unakin to what they just did to Santana. The girls do, at least, look convinced.
(Rachel is still wearing the Finn necklace. Oh, baby, why you gotta be so cute about your boys when I’m pissed at you about Santana.)
Sue Sylvester has just fired her wedding planner, who was unequipped for a wedding at which both parties and the officiator are all one and the same, when her mother Doris walks in. Doris “Carol Burnett” Sylvester. HALE TO THE YEAH. Doris insults the wedding planner (“I bet a lot of people say you look mannish, but I think it’s perfectly acceptable for a woman to be handsome”) and calls Sue “Suzie,” which does not fly. She apologizes for not having shown up in the last three years, but Nazi-hunting is time-consuming business. She’s caught the last one, though, and wants to be back in her daughters’ lives. She thinks the wedding is ridiculous (Sue’s given up on love, after all those times Doris stood up for her chance to grow into her looks! Which Doris still thinks she might do!) but wants to be involved. She could walk Sue down the aisle? “No, I’m doing that.” Well, fine - then Doris will sing.
In the hallway some more: Finn is not standing up to Karofsky about this. K-Money (who before today was only on the hockey team, whatever continuity) plays right guard, which basically means that if he’s pissed at Finn, Finn will lose games and then lose QB. He’d like to help, but he can’t. Rachel is shattered that football means more to him than his stepbrother. “I’ve never been so disappointed in you.” Finn’s people-pleasing heart is broken.
In the locker room: Artie and Mike - ARTIE AND MIKE - tell Karofsky that he is, starting now, to lay the hell off Kurt.
(On the couch at home: Alice passes out from the adorable sex appeal. I can’t even.)
Locker room: Karofsky decks Mike, knocking him into Artie. Mike is helping Artie back into his chair (a man who wants to be on good terms with his girl’s ex; goddamn fan me some more) when Sam leaps in to defend them. Puck stands around looking physically pained as Sam and K-Money trade blows until Beiste breaks them up.
Act Three:
Choir room: Brittany and Quinn are v. turned on by their boys’ courage. Tina is fussing over Mike, turned on or not. Santana wants to know where Finn was; Rachel defends Finn in his “I just wasn’t in the locker room yet, how was I supposed to know” defense. Mercedes is not buying that shit; Finn should have led the charge. Kurt asks that everyone lay off Finn; it’s not his problem. It’s not any of their problem, really, but he does appreciate what they did - especially Sam.
“Yeah,” chimes in Mike, “you were the epitome of a leader.”
Finn, salt for that wound?
Will comes in, wants to know what went down. It’s explained, but no one wants to go to Sue - I guess three on one might be hard to get K-Money expelled for, to be fair. Will plants himself with a comforting hand on Kurt’s shoulder, while Kurt distracts himself with a wedding binder the size of a small dog, and suggests that they get going on the wedding dance.
Auditorium: Doris and Sue sing a duet , for which Doris is late.
In a word: Sue feels abandoned and Doris is kind of a bitch.
Choir room: “Thank you both for coming to the Kurt Hummel Dance Seminar.” Kurt is going to teach Burt and Finn some mad dance moves. Kurt and Burt are adorable at each other for a while.
Then it comes Finn’s turn; he wants to close the door before he dances with Kurt. Kurt is baffled; Finn danced in front of a thousand people at regionals. Finn sighs and takes Kurt’s hand - whereupon Karofsky appears in the door.
Burt Hummel sees. Burt Hummel does not like.
Finn: Tell him, Kurt. Tell him or I will.
Kurt admits to the shoving and slushies. Burt insists there’s more; Kurt gives up the death threat. Finn pauses, shocked, but then the both of them have to run after Burt, who’s taken off after K-Money and pinned him to the wall, suggesting essentially that he try picking on someone his own size. His boys pull him off, citing his illness. Burt would like to know where Finn’s been in all of this, in our ongoing lobby to hold Finn responsible for things that adults should be taking care of.
Sue’s office: A dressed-up, sans-letter-jacket Karofsky is horrified, just horrified, that Kurt would tell these vicious lies. Kurt awkwardly maneuvers between telling the truth and not telling the whole truth, i. e. this fucker planted a wet one on him. Karofsky visibly sighs with relief - and thanks Kurt by suggesting that maybe he’s lying because of his deep, burning desire to get into Karofsky’s pants. K-Money’s dad, Paul, is not buying it; Dave (Karofsky) has been acting out lately, been different. (DAVE KAROFSKY used to be an As and Bs student. Um.)
Sue expels K-Money, suggesting he go to the school board if he thinks this is unfair, but for right now, get the hell off her campus.
Act Four:
Finn is getting ready for the wedding with Santana’s help; he can’t tie a tie. Even a clip-on.
Santana suggests that he revive his flagging social status by owning up to the fact that he slept with her last year. Finn finally comes around to this episode’s round of My Relationships Are More Important than My Status in High School and refuses, because that would hurt Rachel, who has recently come clean to him about how she lied - she never had sex with Jesse. This is better, she says, because now they’ll have their first time together, when they’re ready.
Santana threatens to tell Rachel herself - then they’d break up and she and Finn could see each other, right?
(Adi’s heart: *breaks*
(This is so plainly because she’s on the outs with Brittany, and thus has no emotional stability in her life. COME ON, SANTANA, ADMIT THAT YOU WANT TO MAKE LADYBABIES WITH BRITT AND THIS PAIN CAN END.)
Rachel comes in. She wants to know what they’re doing - fair enough; she knows that Finn dated Santana, and in fact broke up with her once just so he could date Santana. “Nothing,” says Santana, and leaves. Shit ain’t over yet, y’all.
Rachel wants to know if Finn thinks she looks pretty. He tells her, v. sincerely, that she looks amazing. And also that he loves her. OH SHIT Y’ALL, THIS IS ABOUT TO GO SO WRONG. BAD FEELING.
The wedding: THEY SING. They also party down the aisle, Burt and Carole included. It’s the goddamn sweetest thing, I can’t even. Dorky parental dancing ftw.
There’s no prayer, since Kurt didn’t want anyone to fall asleep.
Burt and Carole are going to take this speech thing on themselves. They manage to make the speeches about their entire family, rather than just themselves. Essentially:
Carole: We are four people becoming a family.
(Adi: *dissolves into tears*)
Act Five:
Will sings . Burt and Carole dance. It is hilarious and adorable. Kurt approves.
Then Will introduces Finn, who toasts his mom and says that couples in glee club get nicknames - he and Racel are Finchel (Rachel: yay!), Rachel and Puck were Puckleberry (Rachel : l’awkward). And today, a new union is born - Furt. “You and me, man - we’re brothers from another mother. And quite frankly, no one’s taught me as much about what it means to be a man as you.” He’s sorry he hasn’t been there for Kurt the way he should, but from now on, no matter what, he’s got Kurt’s back. And he’s had glee club put together a number in Kurt’s honor, and Kurt will be dancing it with him.
They sing some more. Kurt’s FACE, MY HEART.
They dance, they hug, they dance with their parents, then with Rachel and Mercedes. Everything is adorable and heartbreaking, especially “You know, you know, you know I’d never ever ask you to change/ If perfect’s what you’re searching for then just stay the same…”
(Kurt asked Finn for help with K-Money sophomore year; Finn suggested that Kurt stop being so flamboyant and try to fit in. For him finally to have come around, I just… FFFFFFFF TEARS, TEARS EVERYWHERE, I KNEW THEY COULD DO IT.)
Act Six:
Sue is seriously doing this.
The cake-topper is of TWO SUE SYLVESTERS. Doris crashes the rehearsal with her desire to be a little more central in this “bizarre” wedding. Sue says no. Mummy Dearest is a bully and she’s not Sue and Jean’s family anymore.
Doris: What about my song?
Sue: You’re welcome to sing “The Sound of Silence” in your hotel room right now.
Jean thinks Sue looks beautiful in her dress.
Hallway romance update: Quinn has accepted Sam’s offer. She’s got his ring on. (She broke into his locker and stole it. As you do.) They are ON BOARD, BITCHES.
Principal’s office: K-Money is being let back in. The school board doesn’t see fit to expel him; he’s been verbally warned and that’s it. Kurt says he can’t go back to being terrified all the time.
Sue isn’t going to stand for this either. Most bullies have been bullied themselves, and she for one doesn’t flatter herself that this behavior can change - she should know. She’s resigned as principal in protest and will be patrolling the halls. Also this office smells funny and she wants her old one back.
Kurt resigns himself to terror. Burt and Carole would like to talk to him about something first.
Choir room: Will is excited. It’s time to get ready for sectionals! They’re next week! Oh hai Kurt, I have a solo for you!
Kurt has an announcement to make first. He’s very grateful for what everyone did at the wedding, especially Finn. It’s great to know he has such good friends and a true brother. That does make leaving very hard, but K-Money’ll be back tomorrow. So Kurt won’t. He’s going to Blaine’s Academy for the Criminally Sexy Dalton.
Everyone is very upset. Rachel is devastated that he might be competing against them come sectionals. Finn and Mercedes are just devastated. Kurt holds up to Finn’s interrogation but can’t even answer Mercedes; he just shakes his head and books it.
Fridge logic: Wait, who did Karofsky spend sophomore year harassing even more than Kurt? Um, Finn.
Have fun tomorrow in school, boys.
So this isn't terribly amusing, since 1) Glee is already a comedy, mocking it is sometimes redundant 2) PS didn't see the first season mostly, so a lot of it really is explanatory, rather than lulzy. And if you plan on watching Glee at all, this spoils things that you really DO NOT WANT to see here. But there are fun .gifs courtesy of fight_the_sky, so. At your discretion.
Previously on Glee (so that you know what continuity has been deemed worthy of relevancy this episode):
1) Kurt and Finn set the bar for polarizing the fandom because every time they interact they’re both being douchenozzles and which of them is more at fault becomes a circus of blame. Kurt had a crush on Finn, who is straight, so naturally he humiliated Rachel and set up his dad with Finn’s mom because that will definitely make him like you, dude; Finn dealt with this by using a homophobic slur that got him kicked out of the Hummel house. Kurt didn’t tell Finn that Burt was in the hospital; Finn yelled at Kurt for not taking the time to tell him that Burt was in the hospital just because, you know, HIS DAD IS IN THE HOSPITAL, maybe a little distracting. Kurt tried to sing a duet with Sam even though it’d get Sam made fun of and maybe make him quit glee club; Finn emotionally blackmailed him out of it because they ~live in a homophobic world.~ (Kurt is, I feel I should emphasize, totally over this crush, and Finn knows it.)
Also Karofsky continues to step up the death threat/flirtation vibe.
2) Sam and Quinn are dating. Apparently this does not make them boyfriend and girlfriend, but they’re dating. Or not. Whatever, they’ve been on dates.
3) Sue used to date Rod Remington, but it turns out he’s pretty much like a grown-up Puck - cheats because “I’m a dude. I have NEEDS.” So she dumped his ass. Exclusive is the only way she does it.
Teaser:
A giddy Kurt is being dragged down the hall by his dad and Carole, Finn’s mom.
(My mom: What is on his head?
Me: I ask myself this question every week.)
The trio corners Finn at his locker, where he worries that they may be staging an intervention. Kurt dismisses this possibility, as if it is it’s for both them, and ain’t no one intervening on Kurt Hummel. Carole and Burt manage, between the two of them, to squeal out the good news: they’re engaged!
Kurt dissolves into paroxysms of joy; Finn is a little less gleeful. Possibly especially since Burt just proposed a few seconds ago here, at school, because that’s “where Kurt introduced us.” You know, when he introduced them so that he could get into Finn’s pants. Burt assures him that they’re getting a new house, so he doesn’t have to bunk with Kurt this time. Carole asks that Finn be happy for her; he says he is and does genuinely mean it. Right up until they’re having a family hug when a group of jocks walk by; Finn flinches the hell out of that one because someone might think he’s gay, omg end of the world.
Kurt instantly takes over the wedding planning. He has a trunk of wedding magazines stashed under his bed. Like porn. “I’m thinking of a russet and cognac theme - those are colors, Finn, fall wedding colors…”
Burt is concerned mainly with the band, because he plans on boogeying down with Carole. Kurt has the perfect plan: Nude Erections, seriously why is Lea Michelle the only one who can pronounce this New Directions. “Long story short - you’re having a glee wedding!”
AND SCENE.
Act One:
Sue Sylvester is sending out invitations. Why?
After “Sue’s Corner”, in the latest edition of which she congratulates the homeless on being “urban campers,” Rod announces on the air that he is marrying Angela, his co-anchor and the woman Sue caught him cheating on her with. “Not to worry, ladies - it’s an open marriage.” Sue is incensed that he dare to humiliate her in this way; people know they dated! Rob points out that “You can’t tame the tiger. You’ve read my tattoos.” Angela informs Sue that she will die alone.
Aw hell to the naw. Sue signs onto eDesperate and finds that there is only one match for Sue Sylvester, and that fine person is… Sue Freakin’ Sylvester. She is now merrily setting stamps to envelopes inviting you to the marriage of Sue Sylvester and Sue Sylvester. Thanks, eDesperate.
Meanwhile, in the weight room: Sam is lifting despite his injured shoulder, which he received in the third episode, apparently was not a concern in the fifth, but is now an issue again in the eighth. Finn is concerned, anyway. Sam means no disrespect, but he wants to get the QB position back from Finn; he really wants to be popular. Finn didn’t think he cared about that stuff, so apparently he hasn’t met Sam and has spent the last two years with his head in a hole, because seriously, Finn, what is this entire show about? Finn also doesn’t think that being QB will guarantee Sam’s popularity, especially since he can’t get head cheerleader Quinn to be his girlfriend. Sam essentially says, “Dude, I love you, but I am going to get your job and your ex-girlfriend. Peace out.”
In search of attaining this most worthy aim, Sam goes back to the goddamn astronomy classroom, seriously what is it with these mobiles getting the glee kids all hot and bothered, with Quinn. He gets down on one knee and, I swear to god, PROPOSES. Well, kind of. He wants to marry her someday; for now, he’s offering a promise ring, to symbolize his oath to be the best goddamn boyfriend she could ever want, because they should be the stars of McKinley. Quinn closes the ring-box and gives him a maybe.
And in the hallway: Kurt’s locker is now an altar not only to Blaine, but also to all things marital.
(And Mercedes and April Rhodes, oh bb you so cute.)
Finn wants a chance to show his support for the couple, and is appealing to the one in charge of, seriously, everything. Kurt has the perfect idea: after Finn walks his mom down the aisle and reads his speech, which Kurt will write “although you are free to suggest overall themes,” Finn may have a mother/son dance to kick things off. Finn balks, because he’s an awful dancer, but then realizes this will make him look cool and studly if he can pull it off. Dancing with your mom: studly?
Kurt: Totally.
Finn thanks him and meanders off.
Kurt takes the little cake-topper couple out of his locker - to carry around, I don’t even know man, inspiration? - and closes the door.
Karofsky is standing there.
I can’t even… describe this, it’s all down to Colfer and Adler’s acting. Karofsky just stands there and it’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen, I couldn’t breathe for the duration of this scene. Kurt says he doesn’t want Karofsky near him; Karofsky kind of smiles and puts a finger on Kurt’s chest. He moves his hand and takes the topper, goes, “Can I have this? Thanks,” and walks away.
Will, standing over by some other students, sees Kurt’s face and goes over, asks if Kurt’s okay. Kurt says no; Will ushers him to the principal’s office.
President Principal Sue can’t do anything unless they can prove that Karofsky deliberately hurt Kurt. She’s sorry, but appears to think that bullying is pretty much a rite of passage and will make Kurt stronger in the long run. Kurt’s sick of being scared. He can’t concentrate, he doesn’t feel like part of the school. Will is pissed that Sue won’t do more. She promises to expel Karofsky in two seconds flat if Kurt gets hurt, but until then, sucks to be him. Will gives up on Sue’s better nature; Kurt makes one last appeal - he’s also sick of being called “Lady,” which is bullying. Sue “thought that was [his] name.” She allows him to choose his own nickname from a list as an apology. Kurt goes with “Porcelain.” Sue is disappointed, as she wanted “Tickle Me Dough Face.”
Act Two:
In the choir room: Rachel is staging an intervention, since someone had to this episode. She has called upon Brittany, Tina, and Quinn because all four of them have football team boyfriends who can band together to defend Kurt. Tina agrees that the situation calls for extra help - they’re used to teasing, but “something about sexual harassment what Karofsky is doing is so much worse.” They are, however, all distracted by the crucial issues of whether Brittany is in fact dating Artie (“Deal with it.”) and whether Quinn is in fact dating Sam (she says she’s not. Continuity has no place here, I don’t even). Quinn also objects to Rachel setting the feminist movement back fifty years with this ~have our men handle the problem~ approach. Rachel points out that they need muscle to face a guy like Karofsky. Quinn isn’t into fighting violence with violence, either. Rachel insists that’s not the plan; they just need numbers.
Santana comes in, wanting to know why she was left out of the glee girls meeting. Rachel promptly backtracks - they apparently need specifically guy numbers; this is a meeting for girls with boyfriends. Santana says that she’s dating Puck. Quinn, probably still pissed at Santana over their head cheerleader competition, splits hairs with, “You’re getting naked with Puck.” Ah, yes, slutshaming, a fine feminist tradition. Anyway , Tina adds, Puck can’t help as he’s on probation. Santana is dismissed with a threat to Rachel, who goes back to their need to defend Kurt from bullying. You know, bullying. Not unakin to what they just did to Santana. The girls do, at least, look convinced.
(Rachel is still wearing the Finn necklace. Oh, baby, why you gotta be so cute about your boys when I’m pissed at you about Santana.)
Sue Sylvester has just fired her wedding planner, who was unequipped for a wedding at which both parties and the officiator are all one and the same, when her mother Doris walks in. Doris “Carol Burnett” Sylvester. HALE TO THE YEAH. Doris insults the wedding planner (“I bet a lot of people say you look mannish, but I think it’s perfectly acceptable for a woman to be handsome”) and calls Sue “Suzie,” which does not fly. She apologizes for not having shown up in the last three years, but Nazi-hunting is time-consuming business. She’s caught the last one, though, and wants to be back in her daughters’ lives. She thinks the wedding is ridiculous (Sue’s given up on love, after all those times Doris stood up for her chance to grow into her looks! Which Doris still thinks she might do!) but wants to be involved. She could walk Sue down the aisle? “No, I’m doing that.” Well, fine - then Doris will sing.
In the hallway some more: Finn is not standing up to Karofsky about this. K-Money (who before today was only on the hockey team, whatever continuity) plays right guard, which basically means that if he’s pissed at Finn, Finn will lose games and then lose QB. He’d like to help, but he can’t. Rachel is shattered that football means more to him than his stepbrother. “I’ve never been so disappointed in you.” Finn’s people-pleasing heart is broken.
In the locker room: Artie and Mike - ARTIE AND MIKE - tell Karofsky that he is, starting now, to lay the hell off Kurt.
(On the couch at home: Alice passes out from the adorable sex appeal. I can’t even.)
Locker room: Karofsky decks Mike, knocking him into Artie. Mike is helping Artie back into his chair (a man who wants to be on good terms with his girl’s ex; goddamn fan me some more) when Sam leaps in to defend them. Puck stands around looking physically pained as Sam and K-Money trade blows until Beiste breaks them up.
Act Three:
Choir room: Brittany and Quinn are v. turned on by their boys’ courage. Tina is fussing over Mike, turned on or not. Santana wants to know where Finn was; Rachel defends Finn in his “I just wasn’t in the locker room yet, how was I supposed to know” defense. Mercedes is not buying that shit; Finn should have led the charge. Kurt asks that everyone lay off Finn; it’s not his problem. It’s not any of their problem, really, but he does appreciate what they did - especially Sam.
“Yeah,” chimes in Mike, “you were the epitome of a leader.”
Finn, salt for that wound?
Will comes in, wants to know what went down. It’s explained, but no one wants to go to Sue - I guess three on one might be hard to get K-Money expelled for, to be fair. Will plants himself with a comforting hand on Kurt’s shoulder, while Kurt distracts himself with a wedding binder the size of a small dog, and suggests that they get going on the wedding dance.
Auditorium: Doris and Sue sing a duet , for which Doris is late.
In a word: Sue feels abandoned and Doris is kind of a bitch.
Choir room: “Thank you both for coming to the Kurt Hummel Dance Seminar.” Kurt is going to teach Burt and Finn some mad dance moves. Kurt and Burt are adorable at each other for a while.
Then it comes Finn’s turn; he wants to close the door before he dances with Kurt. Kurt is baffled; Finn danced in front of a thousand people at regionals. Finn sighs and takes Kurt’s hand - whereupon Karofsky appears in the door.
Burt Hummel sees. Burt Hummel does not like.
Finn: Tell him, Kurt. Tell him or I will.
Kurt admits to the shoving and slushies. Burt insists there’s more; Kurt gives up the death threat. Finn pauses, shocked, but then the both of them have to run after Burt, who’s taken off after K-Money and pinned him to the wall, suggesting essentially that he try picking on someone his own size. His boys pull him off, citing his illness. Burt would like to know where Finn’s been in all of this, in our ongoing lobby to hold Finn responsible for things that adults should be taking care of.
Sue’s office: A dressed-up, sans-letter-jacket Karofsky is horrified, just horrified, that Kurt would tell these vicious lies. Kurt awkwardly maneuvers between telling the truth and not telling the whole truth, i. e. this fucker planted a wet one on him. Karofsky visibly sighs with relief - and thanks Kurt by suggesting that maybe he’s lying because of his deep, burning desire to get into Karofsky’s pants. K-Money’s dad, Paul, is not buying it; Dave (Karofsky) has been acting out lately, been different. (DAVE KAROFSKY used to be an As and Bs student. Um.)
Sue expels K-Money, suggesting he go to the school board if he thinks this is unfair, but for right now, get the hell off her campus.
Act Four:
Finn is getting ready for the wedding with Santana’s help; he can’t tie a tie. Even a clip-on.
Santana suggests that he revive his flagging social status by owning up to the fact that he slept with her last year. Finn finally comes around to this episode’s round of My Relationships Are More Important than My Status in High School and refuses, because that would hurt Rachel, who has recently come clean to him about how she lied - she never had sex with Jesse. This is better, she says, because now they’ll have their first time together, when they’re ready.
Santana threatens to tell Rachel herself - then they’d break up and she and Finn could see each other, right?
(Adi’s heart: *breaks*
(This is so plainly because she’s on the outs with Brittany, and thus has no emotional stability in her life. COME ON, SANTANA, ADMIT THAT YOU WANT TO MAKE LADYBABIES WITH BRITT AND THIS PAIN CAN END.)
Rachel comes in. She wants to know what they’re doing - fair enough; she knows that Finn dated Santana, and in fact broke up with her once just so he could date Santana. “Nothing,” says Santana, and leaves. Shit ain’t over yet, y’all.
Rachel wants to know if Finn thinks she looks pretty. He tells her, v. sincerely, that she looks amazing. And also that he loves her. OH SHIT Y’ALL, THIS IS ABOUT TO GO SO WRONG. BAD FEELING.
The wedding: THEY SING. They also party down the aisle, Burt and Carole included. It’s the goddamn sweetest thing, I can’t even. Dorky parental dancing ftw.
There’s no prayer, since Kurt didn’t want anyone to fall asleep.
Burt and Carole are going to take this speech thing on themselves. They manage to make the speeches about their entire family, rather than just themselves. Essentially:
Carole: We are four people becoming a family.
(Adi: *dissolves into tears*)
Act Five:
Will sings . Burt and Carole dance. It is hilarious and adorable. Kurt approves.
Then Will introduces Finn, who toasts his mom and says that couples in glee club get nicknames - he and Racel are Finchel (Rachel: yay!), Rachel and Puck were Puckleberry (Rachel : l’awkward). And today, a new union is born - Furt. “You and me, man - we’re brothers from another mother. And quite frankly, no one’s taught me as much about what it means to be a man as you.” He’s sorry he hasn’t been there for Kurt the way he should, but from now on, no matter what, he’s got Kurt’s back. And he’s had glee club put together a number in Kurt’s honor, and Kurt will be dancing it with him.
They sing some more. Kurt’s FACE, MY HEART.
They dance, they hug, they dance with their parents, then with Rachel and Mercedes. Everything is adorable and heartbreaking, especially “You know, you know, you know I’d never ever ask you to change/ If perfect’s what you’re searching for then just stay the same…”
(Kurt asked Finn for help with K-Money sophomore year; Finn suggested that Kurt stop being so flamboyant and try to fit in. For him finally to have come around, I just… FFFFFFFF TEARS, TEARS EVERYWHERE, I KNEW THEY COULD DO IT.)
Act Six:
Sue is seriously doing this.
The cake-topper is of TWO SUE SYLVESTERS. Doris crashes the rehearsal with her desire to be a little more central in this “bizarre” wedding. Sue says no. Mummy Dearest is a bully and she’s not Sue and Jean’s family anymore.
Doris: What about my song?
Sue: You’re welcome to sing “The Sound of Silence” in your hotel room right now.
Jean thinks Sue looks beautiful in her dress.
Hallway romance update: Quinn has accepted Sam’s offer. She’s got his ring on. (She broke into his locker and stole it. As you do.) They are ON BOARD, BITCHES.
Principal’s office: K-Money is being let back in. The school board doesn’t see fit to expel him; he’s been verbally warned and that’s it. Kurt says he can’t go back to being terrified all the time.
Sue isn’t going to stand for this either. Most bullies have been bullied themselves, and she for one doesn’t flatter herself that this behavior can change - she should know. She’s resigned as principal in protest and will be patrolling the halls. Also this office smells funny and she wants her old one back.
Kurt resigns himself to terror. Burt and Carole would like to talk to him about something first.
Choir room: Will is excited. It’s time to get ready for sectionals! They’re next week! Oh hai Kurt, I have a solo for you!
Kurt has an announcement to make first. He’s very grateful for what everyone did at the wedding, especially Finn. It’s great to know he has such good friends and a true brother. That does make leaving very hard, but K-Money’ll be back tomorrow. So Kurt won’t. He’s going to Blaine’s Academy for the Criminally Sexy Dalton.
Everyone is very upset. Rachel is devastated that he might be competing against them come sectionals. Finn and Mercedes are just devastated. Kurt holds up to Finn’s interrogation but can’t even answer Mercedes; he just shakes his head and books it.
Fridge logic: Wait, who did Karofsky spend sophomore year harassing even more than Kurt? Um, Finn.
Have fun tomorrow in school, boys.