forever unhappy.
I'm lucky....
That the only one I have to worry about you neglecting is me.
Your a wonderful father. And if I want to live...like my grandmother...You'll be a wonderful husband too. Yanno, work and provide monitary support.
But completely void emotionally and unfun to be around after work...
Beggers can't be chosers though right? And never look a gift-horse in the mouth and all that jazz.
I guess when I think about it I really am juuust like her... Ungreatful and never happy.
When he's not working my problems are financial. We have good times and I love him to death but the stress about no money and suchness, weighs too heavy on my anxiety ridden little head and I become a nervous bitch.
WHen he's working, he gets into work mode and that's all he seems to care about, work and himself. Or at least before the baby. Now it's work the baby and himself. Left at the wayside I am again.
I used to worry that all he wanted me for was babies...I know he wants to marry me. But part of me felt like, that hinged on my having his child. And in fact while watching a movie the other day, I think it was Casino.. He commented that the gangster in the movie was smart for impregnanting the woman before he married her. I laughed and asked why he thought that was smart. And he said because it meant he was sure to have a child from her.... THat made me really uncomfortible.
But... My daughter is amazing. I can't believe I grew a person in my belly. I can't believe I produced...life. I can't believe how light (getting darker) and beautiful she is. I can't believe how tolorible I find her cry. I can't believe how much in love with her I am. And I can't believe how much more it made me feel like I need Jeremy, but likewise can't believe how much more it made me love him too... I feel so many good things lately even though the bad feelings that stick me up, are still there.. They often take backseat to my amazement. I can't wait to have our own place where I can do art with my daughter when she gets older. I want to decorate the whole house with pictures we make togather. I want to teach her to help in the kitchen. So the three of us can create meals togather and so the two of us can suprise daddy. I read to her already but have so many more wonderful books to introduce her to. I have been reading silence of the lambs (Just cus it's what I Was reading before she came.) and native american folk-lore (because I want her to know plenty about her native culture. I suppose I will find some mexican stuff to teach her too since her dad is more mexican then I realized before. he's 9/16th native and 8/16th mexican. And his tribe is Comanche so they're southern natives and look like mexicans anyways. LOL)
My daughter is the light in the darkness that keeps me plodding through it. I find it hard to find joy or enjoyment in anything aside from her. I don't like people. I like my mom. My dad. My baby. Sometimes I like Jeremy. Sometimes I hate his stinking guts. And most of my friends? THe whole oh...two I have/had? Get mad cus I can't just run over and hang out for them to play video games anymore. Or because things are a little difficult for me to handle right now. So I don't want to be around him and his merry-go-round of drama that HE causes. Anyways it's not like I had friends in a real sence first. It's not like anyone gets it...they don't understand. Jeremy... I -thought- did at one point. But he has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't really get it at all. HE gets pieces, that at all comment wasn't fair. I hate when i get childish. God.
Maybe I really am just like my grandmother.
the ever unhappy princess.
Everything in the world and nothing makes her happy.
That the only one I have to worry about you neglecting is me.
Your a wonderful father. And if I want to live...like my grandmother...You'll be a wonderful husband too. Yanno, work and provide monitary support.
But completely void emotionally and unfun to be around after work...
Beggers can't be chosers though right? And never look a gift-horse in the mouth and all that jazz.
I guess when I think about it I really am juuust like her... Ungreatful and never happy.
When he's not working my problems are financial. We have good times and I love him to death but the stress about no money and suchness, weighs too heavy on my anxiety ridden little head and I become a nervous bitch.
WHen he's working, he gets into work mode and that's all he seems to care about, work and himself. Or at least before the baby. Now it's work the baby and himself. Left at the wayside I am again.
I used to worry that all he wanted me for was babies...I know he wants to marry me. But part of me felt like, that hinged on my having his child. And in fact while watching a movie the other day, I think it was Casino.. He commented that the gangster in the movie was smart for impregnanting the woman before he married her. I laughed and asked why he thought that was smart. And he said because it meant he was sure to have a child from her.... THat made me really uncomfortible.
But... My daughter is amazing. I can't believe I grew a person in my belly. I can't believe I produced...life. I can't believe how light (getting darker) and beautiful she is. I can't believe how tolorible I find her cry. I can't believe how much in love with her I am. And I can't believe how much more it made me feel like I need Jeremy, but likewise can't believe how much more it made me love him too... I feel so many good things lately even though the bad feelings that stick me up, are still there.. They often take backseat to my amazement. I can't wait to have our own place where I can do art with my daughter when she gets older. I want to decorate the whole house with pictures we make togather. I want to teach her to help in the kitchen. So the three of us can create meals togather and so the two of us can suprise daddy. I read to her already but have so many more wonderful books to introduce her to. I have been reading silence of the lambs (Just cus it's what I Was reading before she came.) and native american folk-lore (because I want her to know plenty about her native culture. I suppose I will find some mexican stuff to teach her too since her dad is more mexican then I realized before. he's 9/16th native and 8/16th mexican. And his tribe is Comanche so they're southern natives and look like mexicans anyways. LOL)
My daughter is the light in the darkness that keeps me plodding through it. I find it hard to find joy or enjoyment in anything aside from her. I don't like people. I like my mom. My dad. My baby. Sometimes I like Jeremy. Sometimes I hate his stinking guts. And most of my friends? THe whole oh...two I have/had? Get mad cus I can't just run over and hang out for them to play video games anymore. Or because things are a little difficult for me to handle right now. So I don't want to be around him and his merry-go-round of drama that HE causes. Anyways it's not like I had friends in a real sence first. It's not like anyone gets it...they don't understand. Jeremy... I -thought- did at one point. But he has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't really get it at all. HE gets pieces, that at all comment wasn't fair. I hate when i get childish. God.
Maybe I really am just like my grandmother.
the ever unhappy princess.
Everything in the world and nothing makes her happy.