I don't know.
So... Unlike any other journal I've ever had, not only did I not find a really funky or at least pretty layout to use, but I haven't given anyone the rundown on my childhood or life before now. Which I suppose is because I'm pretty well over it. For the most part I try not to let that sort of thing effect me anymore. I have spent way too much time crying about my past and all the lies in my life. Now, instead, I simply deal with what is now and try to live in a lie-free enviroment. Because I prefer the truth to sugar coated bullshit.
Which means I have to explain a little something before anyone will really understand exactly why what happened yesterday upset me so much. Because being the big fucking pothead that I am, I wouldn't give a DAMN about someone buying a bag and rolling someone else a joint. Right?
Well wrong in this situation.
My mother...is an addict. She was a crack head for much of my life, and I was raised by my grandparents because of it. She went to treatment, and I went to live with her at ten. She relapsed when I was around fifteen and I dropped out of school during her relapse to take care of the children she'd adopted just before relapsing.
She went to treatment again. It was a short lived relapse. I think the extra kids and such made her realize she couldn't live that life anymore. Anyways. After that stint in treatment, she won't drink, anything, at all ever. She won't even go into a bar and have ONE beer with friends. No matter what. She tells the doctors that she is alergic to codine. And hasn't touched a joint or a bowl of pot since the FIRST time she went to treatment. Because it makes her crave the pipe and going back to that. Oh and while she was an addict she and I butted heads. I had an attitude and a grudge. And she was pretty much emotionally abusive and manipulative and controling. A therepist has since described her as narsacistic and childish.
None of that is what I want to talk about or what was upset about.
I am codependant on my mom. Very much so.
She has been stressed out because there are nine people living in her house and three of us are adults, four including her. But only one is working (In defence my boyfriend who lives here has worked all week this week and starts a regular job monday. And my sister is in college. And as you all know I just pushed one out. LOL) But at any rate in the last year, my grandpa, her father has died, her dog had to be put to sleep, her husband left her, and her good friend commited suicide. So she has been super stressed. And yesterday she found out, that despite him saying the contrary, he was/is seeing a young woman. (my mom and him have a pretty big age difference as is. That he always claimed never bothered him.) And he's been telling my mom he wants to come home and that he loves her and all that sugary bullshit. But he took his twenty-year old, suburban asian girlfriend to las-vegas for christmas, on my mom and his time share!! So yesterday tension and stress hit a peak and I thought she was gonna snap soon as it is because she's been talking about the past again and when she does that things get bad for a while.Not to mention my niece is living with us and being a fucking terror.
So I have been KILLING myself trying to keep the house clean, and the kids in line and whatever. While trying to ignore my opertunist sister and her funky shitty ass attitude and her always being in my goddamn food (which REALLY drives me insane.). All on top of caring for my two week old daughter and healing from giving birth (my cooter still hurts. In fact I can't stand long enough to change the baby at the changing table because my cooter hurts too bad!). AND dealing with this crushing post-partum depression. (Mind...that the only symptom I don't have from it is the trouble bonding with the baby. I love adore and am facinated with her. she's amazing.)
I miss the hospital. I felt secure and safe and stress free. I slept better in the hospital then I have in years. And I haven't had a day since I was about six that I haven't been overflowed with a billion anxiety ridden thoughts. Until I was in the hospital with the baby. I didn't have to worry about anything but was still indipendant. There was structure, which I really thrive off of. And since I've been home I wished I had stayed a day or two longer. They were leaving it up to me I guess. But I was eager to get out of the hospital. I didn't realize things would go back to being exactly as stressfull and bullshitty as it was before I was in the hospital. The boyfriend ...turned off like a light. Where he was almost completely supportive and caring and helpful and sweet in the hospital. When we got home...it was just like before with him doing his shit and worring more about himself and such then me and the baby. Don't get me wrong. I am very fortunate with how much he helps and is attentive and loves his daughter. But at the same time he has gone back to being rather insensative and misunderstanding a lot of what is going on with me or what I say.
And...so yesterday during my moms peak, because she found all the shit about her husband out because of an anonymous letter sent to her (the second she's gotten.) about her husband. My boyfriend...gets me to call my cousin for a dub. And I do. Thinking that tomorrow he'd wanna go to my dads or sprouts so that he can do it there. He comes home and I'm trying to lug all the baby shit I had in the livingroom (I take the bassonet the nursing pilow nose sucker gas drops blanket and nuk) as well as my laptop and my charger. And my mom calls upstairs (she'd been hiding from my shitty sister downstairs licking her wounds as is understandible.) and asks to talk to Jeremy. And I'm going in the room and he's finishing rolling a joint. (I had been in the room once before mind you and told him to sprey because it REAKED in the room of pot. To which he nodded and said yeah I will.) Well while I'm dragging shit in, he says to my mom, while stumbling on his words "Yeah...uh. I'm finishing that now." So I shut the door and look at him funny....and ask if that's for my mom. And...it was.
I was so upset... I didn't know what to do. My moms attitude today is better so I'm not....so worried about her. But I'm so pissed off that he did that.. I am so hurt. I don't know how he thought that was a good idea when she was this stressed in the first place. Couldn't he have just told her he couldn't find it? And how dare he make me her enabler again. (When I went to her graduation from treatment the second time...she said I had been her enabler. Because I picked up slack at home when she dropped it.) And do you know what that fucker told me? "Well you know she told me it was that or...something else" like it was supposed to make it all fucking better. And when I ranted that how dare he make that (her potential and in my opinion in my panic inevitable relapse) MY fault by not calling himself. And making me call he said "that doesn't make it your fault" I said oh what the fuck ever Jeremy. And he didn't really talk anymore after that. All night. I asked him to get the baby a bottle and before he went to work I asked him to cange the baby. He said some other things to me but then left without telling me he loved me. But I'm still upset with him so I didn't really care.
I am still upset as hell with him. And I am not sure what to do or how to feel. But fuck would I like to smoke a blunt.
Which means I have to explain a little something before anyone will really understand exactly why what happened yesterday upset me so much. Because being the big fucking pothead that I am, I wouldn't give a DAMN about someone buying a bag and rolling someone else a joint. Right?
Well wrong in this situation.
My mother...is an addict. She was a crack head for much of my life, and I was raised by my grandparents because of it. She went to treatment, and I went to live with her at ten. She relapsed when I was around fifteen and I dropped out of school during her relapse to take care of the children she'd adopted just before relapsing.
She went to treatment again. It was a short lived relapse. I think the extra kids and such made her realize she couldn't live that life anymore. Anyways. After that stint in treatment, she won't drink, anything, at all ever. She won't even go into a bar and have ONE beer with friends. No matter what. She tells the doctors that she is alergic to codine. And hasn't touched a joint or a bowl of pot since the FIRST time she went to treatment. Because it makes her crave the pipe and going back to that. Oh and while she was an addict she and I butted heads. I had an attitude and a grudge. And she was pretty much emotionally abusive and manipulative and controling. A therepist has since described her as narsacistic and childish.
None of that is what I want to talk about or what was upset about.
I am codependant on my mom. Very much so.
She has been stressed out because there are nine people living in her house and three of us are adults, four including her. But only one is working (In defence my boyfriend who lives here has worked all week this week and starts a regular job monday. And my sister is in college. And as you all know I just pushed one out. LOL) But at any rate in the last year, my grandpa, her father has died, her dog had to be put to sleep, her husband left her, and her good friend commited suicide. So she has been super stressed. And yesterday she found out, that despite him saying the contrary, he was/is seeing a young woman. (my mom and him have a pretty big age difference as is. That he always claimed never bothered him.) And he's been telling my mom he wants to come home and that he loves her and all that sugary bullshit. But he took his twenty-year old, suburban asian girlfriend to las-vegas for christmas, on my mom and his time share!! So yesterday tension and stress hit a peak and I thought she was gonna snap soon as it is because she's been talking about the past again and when she does that things get bad for a while.Not to mention my niece is living with us and being a fucking terror.
So I have been KILLING myself trying to keep the house clean, and the kids in line and whatever. While trying to ignore my opertunist sister and her funky shitty ass attitude and her always being in my goddamn food (which REALLY drives me insane.). All on top of caring for my two week old daughter and healing from giving birth (my cooter still hurts. In fact I can't stand long enough to change the baby at the changing table because my cooter hurts too bad!). AND dealing with this crushing post-partum depression. (Mind...that the only symptom I don't have from it is the trouble bonding with the baby. I love adore and am facinated with her. she's amazing.)
I miss the hospital. I felt secure and safe and stress free. I slept better in the hospital then I have in years. And I haven't had a day since I was about six that I haven't been overflowed with a billion anxiety ridden thoughts. Until I was in the hospital with the baby. I didn't have to worry about anything but was still indipendant. There was structure, which I really thrive off of. And since I've been home I wished I had stayed a day or two longer. They were leaving it up to me I guess. But I was eager to get out of the hospital. I didn't realize things would go back to being exactly as stressfull and bullshitty as it was before I was in the hospital. The boyfriend ...turned off like a light. Where he was almost completely supportive and caring and helpful and sweet in the hospital. When we got home...it was just like before with him doing his shit and worring more about himself and such then me and the baby. Don't get me wrong. I am very fortunate with how much he helps and is attentive and loves his daughter. But at the same time he has gone back to being rather insensative and misunderstanding a lot of what is going on with me or what I say.
And...so yesterday during my moms peak, because she found all the shit about her husband out because of an anonymous letter sent to her (the second she's gotten.) about her husband. My boyfriend...gets me to call my cousin for a dub. And I do. Thinking that tomorrow he'd wanna go to my dads or sprouts so that he can do it there. He comes home and I'm trying to lug all the baby shit I had in the livingroom (I take the bassonet the nursing pilow nose sucker gas drops blanket and nuk) as well as my laptop and my charger. And my mom calls upstairs (she'd been hiding from my shitty sister downstairs licking her wounds as is understandible.) and asks to talk to Jeremy. And I'm going in the room and he's finishing rolling a joint. (I had been in the room once before mind you and told him to sprey because it REAKED in the room of pot. To which he nodded and said yeah I will.) Well while I'm dragging shit in, he says to my mom, while stumbling on his words "Yeah...uh. I'm finishing that now." So I shut the door and look at him funny....and ask if that's for my mom. And...it was.
I was so upset... I didn't know what to do. My moms attitude today is better so I'm not....so worried about her. But I'm so pissed off that he did that.. I am so hurt. I don't know how he thought that was a good idea when she was this stressed in the first place. Couldn't he have just told her he couldn't find it? And how dare he make me her enabler again. (When I went to her graduation from treatment the second time...she said I had been her enabler. Because I picked up slack at home when she dropped it.) And do you know what that fucker told me? "Well you know she told me it was that or...something else" like it was supposed to make it all fucking better. And when I ranted that how dare he make that (her potential and in my opinion in my panic inevitable relapse) MY fault by not calling himself. And making me call he said "that doesn't make it your fault" I said oh what the fuck ever Jeremy. And he didn't really talk anymore after that. All night. I asked him to get the baby a bottle and before he went to work I asked him to cange the baby. He said some other things to me but then left without telling me he loved me. But I'm still upset with him so I didn't really care.
I am still upset as hell with him. And I am not sure what to do or how to feel. But fuck would I like to smoke a blunt.