Something Else...
I forget that I have this page. It is my second page after all, the one that 'those people' aren't on. The one where I don't feel like I have to watch what I say because it might offend someone. Not that I really do that much anyway. I get myself into a lot of trouble for refusing to compromise what I have to say and how I feel about certin things. Still, I am a little more leinant that I normally would be with my words.
I went to work last night and the words "working for naught" seem to reverberate through my head still. It lingers into the morning and makes me feel like a complete loser. I guess I should feel content that I haven't lowered myself to the standards of the smack addicts and whores, but I see the fistfulls of money they are carting home and I wonder to myself "what if". I don't guess any amount of necesity is going to make me sway myself into that position though, or I would have done it way before now.
Still, I feel like an infantile incompitent. Somehow over the course I have always managed to pay my bills, but not this time :( This time just ins't working out the way I had planned. I know that I don't really work as often as I should, but it is a huge mental chore for me to dress up and pretend to smile and like people who are fantasizing about fucking me or tyring to put their hands on me. Someone asked me last night... "What are the chances of me getting you out of this place?" I smiled politely, which I am required to do and said "slim to none."
That is my polite respone to idiocy. I can't very well do what I would like to do and take my shoe off and beat him over the head with it. Too many illegial acts there for my taste. I can honestly say I've never been one to want to spend time in jail. I was in the army for a minute. I'm sure it's pretty much the same, only they don't trust the convicts with guns and explosives.
I keep thinking that maybe it's because I am getting old, this lack of desire or motivation to create fantasy worlds for other people. I just want to sit here in my home and create things for myself, things like art, writing, clothes, happiness. It's the money that is always there, the bills always needing to be paid, the food needing to be bought, the gas needing to be put in the car, a trip once in a while. It sinks to this level of deep inner-thoughtfulness and conteplation as to only be explained to the outside world as sadness. Though, it isn't really sadness that echoes those words. It is more an infinate knowledge that it never ends. Perhaps that in turn creates sadness.
Still, life hasn't been going all bad lately. I got married and I have a nice new home. Well, it isn't mine, but I'm renting it. It's all the same to me. I am occuping the space with her. She is the soft glowing light through the storm of my thoughts. I would be lost, adrift, without her. She thinks that I am the tough one, but it isn't me. It has always been her. She is strong of character and of love. She makes me stop and think, and it's how I know I love her so completely and deeply.
My 'so called friends' for the most part have all seemed to be showing me their true natures lately. It's disheartening to know that people will tell themselves lies and accept things that normally would be incomprehensible and vile to them for sex. Once someone knows or thinks that they will get sex from someone, that person suddenly can do no wrong in their eyes. Blinded by Sex. Maybe that is a disease of the mind that researchers should be looking into. Honestly, how can you overlook the nastiness and underhandedness of someone just because they've promised to sleep with you? It is painful to watch and so I've taken myself out of the loop so to say.
What it boils down too is: if you don't agree with all the things that your friends do they get upset and acuse you of being mean and taking sides in matters. I guess here comes my moral delima again, because if I have a problem with something that someone has done I tend to speak my mind about it rather than hide from how I feel and pretend the world goes onw working the way they want it to. I have learned in the past few yeas that a person is most chastized for speaking the truth and that is why so many people lie with every breath. It is sad too, because they don't just lie to other people, but they lie to themselves as well. They say, well just doing this will be fine and I won't feel like a whore the next day, but they do. Then, they find ways to numb the horror of their own selfindulgence and lies by taking drugs. Some people opt for the perscription ones, others for the illegial kind. It's the legal people that really make my stomach turn. It's the ones who think convince themeselves that they are only doing bad things because they aren't right and need to be medicated. They get medicated and they still do bad things which they then blame on the medication.
Blah
I went to work last night and the words "working for naught" seem to reverberate through my head still. It lingers into the morning and makes me feel like a complete loser. I guess I should feel content that I haven't lowered myself to the standards of the smack addicts and whores, but I see the fistfulls of money they are carting home and I wonder to myself "what if". I don't guess any amount of necesity is going to make me sway myself into that position though, or I would have done it way before now.
Still, I feel like an infantile incompitent. Somehow over the course I have always managed to pay my bills, but not this time :( This time just ins't working out the way I had planned. I know that I don't really work as often as I should, but it is a huge mental chore for me to dress up and pretend to smile and like people who are fantasizing about fucking me or tyring to put their hands on me. Someone asked me last night... "What are the chances of me getting you out of this place?" I smiled politely, which I am required to do and said "slim to none."
That is my polite respone to idiocy. I can't very well do what I would like to do and take my shoe off and beat him over the head with it. Too many illegial acts there for my taste. I can honestly say I've never been one to want to spend time in jail. I was in the army for a minute. I'm sure it's pretty much the same, only they don't trust the convicts with guns and explosives.
I keep thinking that maybe it's because I am getting old, this lack of desire or motivation to create fantasy worlds for other people. I just want to sit here in my home and create things for myself, things like art, writing, clothes, happiness. It's the money that is always there, the bills always needing to be paid, the food needing to be bought, the gas needing to be put in the car, a trip once in a while. It sinks to this level of deep inner-thoughtfulness and conteplation as to only be explained to the outside world as sadness. Though, it isn't really sadness that echoes those words. It is more an infinate knowledge that it never ends. Perhaps that in turn creates sadness.
Still, life hasn't been going all bad lately. I got married and I have a nice new home. Well, it isn't mine, but I'm renting it. It's all the same to me. I am occuping the space with her. She is the soft glowing light through the storm of my thoughts. I would be lost, adrift, without her. She thinks that I am the tough one, but it isn't me. It has always been her. She is strong of character and of love. She makes me stop and think, and it's how I know I love her so completely and deeply.
My 'so called friends' for the most part have all seemed to be showing me their true natures lately. It's disheartening to know that people will tell themselves lies and accept things that normally would be incomprehensible and vile to them for sex. Once someone knows or thinks that they will get sex from someone, that person suddenly can do no wrong in their eyes. Blinded by Sex. Maybe that is a disease of the mind that researchers should be looking into. Honestly, how can you overlook the nastiness and underhandedness of someone just because they've promised to sleep with you? It is painful to watch and so I've taken myself out of the loop so to say.
What it boils down too is: if you don't agree with all the things that your friends do they get upset and acuse you of being mean and taking sides in matters. I guess here comes my moral delima again, because if I have a problem with something that someone has done I tend to speak my mind about it rather than hide from how I feel and pretend the world goes onw working the way they want it to. I have learned in the past few yeas that a person is most chastized for speaking the truth and that is why so many people lie with every breath. It is sad too, because they don't just lie to other people, but they lie to themselves as well. They say, well just doing this will be fine and I won't feel like a whore the next day, but they do. Then, they find ways to numb the horror of their own selfindulgence and lies by taking drugs. Some people opt for the perscription ones, others for the illegial kind. It's the legal people that really make my stomach turn. It's the ones who think convince themeselves that they are only doing bad things because they aren't right and need to be medicated. They get medicated and they still do bad things which they then blame on the medication.
Blah